SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First I wills start by saying that every wayward "affairs down" because they had an affair with someone who was willing to be an OP. That's not an upward direction no matter what the person looks like, how successful his/her career, how respected in the community, or any of the other benchmarks used to determine the worth of a person.

I also believe that a WS affairs down in that they lower themselves - their morals, their values, their self-worth.

There is not way to "affair up." Ever.

But I have to say that the threads that focus on how unattractive the OP is ... well, they're insulting to me.

Why? Because I'm not thin, I'm not tiny, I'm not super pretty, I'm not young, I'm not a "girly girl" ... I am fat, I wear my hair really short, I don't wear a lot of make up because I just don't like it, I have a deep voice (sometimes mistaken for a man on the phone), I don't dress "well" because I'm either in nursing scrubs or wearing jeans and t-shirts, I have rosacea so my face often looks red, bumpy and blotchy ... In the looks category I am no prize winner. I'm just not. It is what it is.

So I am - physically speaking what a lot of you describe your OPs as being. And then you say, "OMG that's her. Ewwwwww. How could my H have affaired down that badly. She's a troll."

So I guess if I'm a BW that fits into that physical category of not attractive ... What? Marrying me was marrying down? I somehow should have expected my husband to cheat? Should it make me feel better that some of his mistresses were more attractive than me?

I get that it makes you feel better to trash anything about the OP that you can. Particularly in the early days when you're still newly hurting and when you hit the anger phase.

I just wanted to point out though that there are BSs out there who may fit your descriptions of the OPs.

When you reduce the issue of affairing down to just looks we miss the bigger picture.

Affairs aren't about looks so much as they are about filling a void in one's life - usually with whatever is most handy and willing to be involved.

And I can promise you ... Having an OP who is more attractive than you are doesn't for one minute make you feel better about having been cheated on.

At no time did I ever say, "Oh wow. He cheated. This is devastating. But at least he cheated up in the looks department."

I am with you in the looks dept currently.

Funny thing is that my H cheated when I was young, thin and pretty, and choose to stop when I am old, fat and frumpy.

So, yes, I have proof that looks have nothing to do with it.

(((((SouthernGal)))))

I think it really is just how some process this, personally I have never understood OP bashing of any kind, but there are many things I don't understand about how others process.

Grace

(((SG)))

I understand

((((SG))))

Yes, I know what you mean. (btw, I am somewhere between 'not bad' and 'pretty good' in the looks dept)

How CAN cheating be about looks - think of all the models/movie stars/super good-looking people that have been cheated on. So yeah, it really is NOT about looks.

However, 'looks' is sometimes something to latch on to - it can give people a 'way' to 'understand' about the cheating. A false way, to be sure, but maybe for some reducing it to looks allows them to think that they can control it ('If I would just do xyz - wear makeup, dye hair, whatever - then s/he wouldn't have cheated/won't cheat in the future'), or, alternatively, to understand the (what to us is) incomprehensible, a way to stop asking yourself 'why' all the time ('Of course s/he cheated, I mean look at me compared to AP').

When it comes down to it, it just doesn't matter if you look like a horse or an alien or a supermodel - your spouse chose YOU, and then betrayed you. That hurts, no matter what the comparative looks of the parties involved.

Sure, trashing APs can be 'fun', a way to vent, etc, and may give some temporary relief from the infidelity shit sandwich. But ultimately, as you know, infidelity is more about the WS's issues and coping mechanisms (or lack of) than about anything else.

((((SG))))

I am sorry your feelings have been hurt by the way some of us feel about the AP looks.

It would not matter if the OW had just won a beauty contest, she would still be ugly to me. I am sure I would see ugly in a beautiful appearance. You are right. It is what is inside when they lower down to be the OW. The inside of the OW is a dark, hollow place that has no one better than a cheating married man to share their intimate life with. Yes, in our case she is a sociopath that eventually gets left by every one she gets close to. Her personality of a predator is similar to a pedophile. She knows how to groom a man to do exactly what she wants and they never see it coming. She scares the hell out of me.

I just have never seen it being about the OP at all. It is completely about the brokenness of my spouse. And it was about my brokenness. Not about my OP.

I wish "pretty" and "ugly" didn't exist. That the world was like that movie Shallow Hal and our souls were reflected in our appearance, so everyone could see the true person and not the lie.

I get irritated when I hear variations of the message that your looks somehow reflect how you should be treated. You hear it all the time in songs. You're so beautiful, you deserve all the finer things, blah blah. Or, you're pretty/handsome, you don't have to put up with that treatment. Oh, ok. Because if you're NOT pretty or handsome, you DO deserve crap treatment?

I'm rambling. I can't think of any specific songs right now that back this up but I hear it all the time.

((southerngal))

this has been a difficult concept for me too. I am way too involved in the looks department of myself and my husbands APs.

I have been one on here who has trashed the AP's looks to what point? As TG said, it is about the brokenness of those involved, including myself.

People are entitled to feel & think & say what they want on here. You shouldn't bash what others write on here. We're all here to help & support each other.

People are entitled to feel & think & say what they want on here. You shouldn't bash what others write on here. We're all here to help & support each other.

Ahhhh so I am not supposed to have any ideas, thoughts, or feelings that run contrary to anyone else's opinion?

W/E

Of course u can have your own opinions like everyone else. Exactly why I didn't bash what u posted. Again we ALL have our own way of feeling. This is a difficult time for anyone who has found themselves here.

So I can have those opinions as long as I don't post about them?

I am not trying to be obtuse. I honestly cannot figure out the point of your post. Except that it seems to be saying that in your opinion my thoughts on the issue shouldn't be posted because you don't find them suitably supportive.

I also wasn't bashing anyone. I was giving a thought to ponder. If the AP is unworthy by virtue of their looks, where exactly does that leave the unattractive spouse?

Again I say ... Whatever.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 9:00 AM, November 16th (Friday)]

I totally understand, SG.

The OP in my sitch was younger and prettier than I am. However, her soul is black.

It's not about looks at all. It's about finding someone that is willing to be an OP and is willing to blow mass quantities of sunshine up the wayward's ass.

Alrighty then. No point of this posting back & forth. Either way if the OW was a beast or beauty queen it is what it is. Have your opinion & I will have mine. I'm in a bad spot right now & this is "whatever." Hope your road to healing is n

Sorry my post was cut off my son jumped on me!....I hope ur road to healing is not paved with too many bumps & u find strength to live ur life in the positive (someone wrote this to me so I figured to pass it on)

Heartbroken7110,

No one has done any bashing in this thread. People are allowed to feel how they feel and post to work those feelings out. Please allow them the freedom to do so.

I think everyone tries to be really supportive here.

However, assuming I hadn't posted pictures of myself in F&G and you guys had no idea what I looked like, I could post a picture of myself and a couple of my H's texting buddies, the girl he hooked up with last month, etc. I could say that my picture was one of the OWs. And that I was maybe Payroll girl. And everyone here would tell me how ugly my actual picture was, because you would think that was the pic of an OW and then you would tell me how pretty I am. Then if I could somehow erase your memories and shuffle the pics, giving you the right information on who's who, I'd get the same replies.

All this word salad to say, the looks don't matter. I've had people PM me links to an OW's facebook page, asking me, "Isn't she such a troll?!?!?" Well . . . usually it's just a normal-looking woman.

That's why I wish the world was like Shallow Hal.

I get what your saying sg..in fact I have seen descriptions of AP sometimes that made me think...ouchie. I used to be skinny, he didn't cheat on me then so my insecurities come out when I hear someone say the AP is fat. My ws AP happens to be very thin so its a touchy subject for me. I mean I'm not

500lbs but I don't look like I did before I pushed out 4 of his puppies KWIM..

Point taken and your right, just something to think about.

I feel the same. The OP is thinner and prettier than me. But I think that it is normal to look for whatever you can trash about the OP. Obviously a lack of conscience for one thing....Mine was willing to cheat on her H too.

But I have to say that the threads that focus on how unattractive the OP is

I am certainly not a newbie and I do post on the threads about the un-attractive OW in comparison to BW simply because in our case it really is true. I am girly and love to be and that is one of the things my H has always liked and still does. That he chose someone truly "manly" looking in my eyes and everyone around us still shocks me. I know many IRL folks (myself included for most of my adult life) that are overweight. How I feel about the looks of his OW does not reflect how I see other people. I know he chose her out of depression and "brokeness" and availability but I do still look at her and think ewwww.