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Curious do (single) OW ever feel any guilt or remorse when they knowingly have an A with a married man?

OW in our case orchestrated the whole thing....

Just wondering if they even care about the devestation/chaos they leave behind?

[This message edited by tooloyal at 9:43 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

I find it hard to believe the OW 'orchestrated the whole thing'. To paraphrase what I read here somwhere once 'What, did you trip over a foot stool with a full erection and accidentally fall into her vagina?'.

Sure, the OW may have pursued him but he let himself be pursued and never put the brakes on. If it's being painted as 'all her fault' then you're being played. It takes two to tango and he needs to own that, not blame the other person. He's married to you and I assume he didn't have amnesia during the affair so he knew what he was getting into and he knew what he was doing.

And he chose to do it.

My OW hated me and was jealous of me from the start. In her demented little world view, it was my fault that WH strayed, because I couldn't make him happy.

She used to tell WH that he should leave me because she felt so sorry for me, and that she could not stand that he was humiliating me, but that was a ploy to make herself look like some benevolent person. She just wanted him to leave me, for any reason. She hates me to this day.

The OW in my case was just recently divorced when she went after my WH. She got his # from a " friend" of my WH who told her my H and I weren't doing very good. She started texting him. I found out later that she was a BS in her M, and her WH left her for OW. So she had to of known the hurt she would be causing going after a MM. I called her after I found out about the PA and she said some pretty awful things to me. No she wasn't remorseful, she is a sick delusiona skank! She thought my WH was going to leave me for her, she used her 11 year old D during the A, she was trying to get her to want a relationship with my WH and had her texting him too. She was manipulating her own D and I'm sure causing her psychological problems too!

Some OW/OM are remorseful, some are not. Some WS are remorseful, some are not.

We see that here in these forums.

My concern is that your focus is on the OW and not on your WH. I understand the fixation, really I do. But the real work begins when you turn the spotlight on his behaviors and on healing yourself and the marriage.

My closest friend was an OW when she was in her very early 20's and divorcing her H - she got married right out of HS to escape her homelife. We've talked about it some, at the time she wasn't remorseful and really didn't think much about the fact that he was married. For her she just liked the sex, there wasn't any promise of a relationship with the MM. But now in her late 30's and married with children, she's pretty horrified at what she did.

I don't think a SIngle person can comprehend the chaos. I also believe most people are so self consumed that until it negatively effects them, they don't see the wrong. All OW, especially single ones, suck. Single OP do not feel the consequences of their actions.

In my case, I wouldn't say the OW felt guilt or remourse, but possibly stupid. Not so much for having relations with a MM, but for being used and dumped by a MM and having people know.

In my case, the OW WAS a BS-- so honestly, I am dumbfounded as to how she could be any part of helping my WH do this to his family.

In our case, my WH was at least the second married man the AP had an A with. So, no, I don't think that the AP knows the meaning of remorse. The AP is so self-absorbed in its victimization story that there is no room to consider the impact of its choices.

For me, the OW divorced her H because he was unfaithful. Then she hooks up with my WH, knowing full well he was married but of course our M was on the rocks and he needed a friend... Now that WH and I are supposedly R, Im not sure what the exchuse is. But from the begining, they'd both talk to each other about how guilty they felt, but they kept on screwing around anyway. Apparently if you say that you feel bad about something, that makes it ok to do.

So does she feel any guilt? Not right now she doesnt. Once I get my ducks in a row and he shows up on her doorstep needing a place to stay, she might. For a few minutes. But really, I dont care what she thinks or feels. She wants WH so bad, she can have him. Let her find out the truth for herself. Still dont get how she thinks he's such a great guy when she KNOWS he's a liar and a cheater.

In my situation, I didn't know that "my boyfriend" was married.

I was HORRIFIED when I found out. I was very remorseful.

All OW, especially single ones, suck. Single OP do not feel the consequences of their actions.

You realize there are single OP on this site who are deeply remorseful, right?

I can only speak for the OW in my case--she pursued my FWH (he didn't resist too much, so that doesn't take him off the hook AT ALL), left her H and expected my FWH to leave me. After several years of harassing him to leave (only to be told that it wasn't going to happen), she gave him an ultimatum to leave "or else". He chose "or else", which ended with her on my doorstep, telling me all about it. When FWH told her that was possibly the most cruel thing he had ever known anybody to do, her only response was "Why are you only concerned about your W, what about me?"

She often told him that he had ruined her life, even though every decision she made was made by her alone and with the knowledge that FWH would not leave us. She could not accept that.

There are people in this world who cannot accept that any problems they have in their life might be self-inflicted. Everything is always someone else's fault. OW is one of those people. She had no guilt or remorse about her actions. Her only regret is that it didn't work out the way she wanted it to.

After having read some of their old messages/emails, I'm quite certain my H's main AP felt no guilt during the A. She chose to believe he was unhappy with me and it would have been a kindness to both of us for him to "be true to himself" and leave me. He claims she pushed him to fix things if he loved me, but that's not what I read and it's likely any pressure she put on him to "fix things" was really a demand for him to make a choice between the two of us. She was unmarried, but supposedly engaged, although I doubt that was true. Now that she's had more than a year of NC to think about their A, maybe she realizes the other Facebook women she'd questioned him about were exactly what she'd suspected--other APs--and now feels remorse for being just another desperate and gullible OW. I doubt it. The human impulse is to protect ourselves so I'm sure she's fashioned some story making him the poor husband who had to go outside the marriage to find any happiness and her the loving soulmate who could have saved him if he'd only chosen her.

The good news? After more than a year of NC (if you don't count her fishing attempts), most days I don't even care what she thinks. That wasn't true a few months ago, so I guess I am healing. Honestly, at this moment, I hope she has learned something from the experience and has grown from it. I hope she focuses on doing good things rather focusing on her guilt. But the morning's early and who knows how I'll feel about her in an hour or two.

After reading through loads of emails and FB messages I don't think most of the OW felt anything at all. The current one felt 'guilty' but it didn't stop her from carrying on. Well, she got what she wanted: a serial cheater who tells her she's special and not like the rest. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but she still has a middle aged serial cheater on her hands. Good luck to her.

And honestly, I have to say it again, it doesn't matter who 'started' it. The fact is that our spouses chose the affair/s. They're responsible for their actions and not helpless victims of some conniving affair partner.

I find it hard to believe the OW 'orchestrated the whole thing'.

While I agree that it would rare, if ever the OW orchestrated it all with no cooperation from the WS, I do believe that some of them are WORSE than the MM they pursue. In my case, the Whore purposely went after him when he was out of his mind with grief after the deaths of his mother and DD.

My H never "blameshifted" this or told me she was more to blame. It would be me that blames her more, not him.

He is extremely remorseful and has learned from his mistakes. He also knows that it would not matter who pursued who if there was a "next time" I would simply and quickly divorce him. Just because I have forgiven him does not mean he has ever gotten a free pass from me for his part in this.

I think it is obvious that either a man or woman who cheats can be remorseful, but the OW from my case is not and I know there are a lot of them like her out there. She also left her H, apparently believing my H would leave me and shack up with her and be her new meal ticket. When that didn't work out the way she hoped, she went skulking back to her H (the back up meal ticket). It didn't stop her from continuing to pursue and try to break up my M. She is a filthy good for nothing whore.

XH is now with OW...she got what she wanted. She totally does not feel as if she did anything wrong. I think though that come some time the fog will lift, reality will set in and she will realize he isn't all that great of a prize. I think when she sees how truly selfish he is in moments of true need she might wake up and realize the wrong she did. Right now they are still in la la land. Right now she is still believing everything he told her about what a horrible person I am.

Unlikely in my case since she is still with my Ex...(and was found in bed with her boss by my ex)..she maintains a pattern of cheating and recklessness.(including FELONY tax evasion and fraud for which she is still on parole)

Most recently she told her young daughter about the nature of my children's conception (IVF- DONOR eggs)..her daughter announced the information to my daughter before I had a chance to share this joyful miracle with my children....gutting my children (momentarily...until I could explain the beauty of it)

She had the nerve to defend herself and take no responsibility for the bomb she allowed to drop on my (still) innocent children...

guilty? Remorseful? she (and ex) would have to have a soul to feel anything remotely close to guilt or remorse.

It is hard to fathom that such a waste of humanity is allowed to exist.

I don't know what the OWs were thinking in my case. OW1 was a remorseless user, a skank who slept with her former boss and was infatuated with him even when he kicked her out and married. My WH became her substitute sugar-daddy. He claims they didn't have sex, but if that's true that would be because she didn't want him -just flirted and dangled the possibility for his time, money, attention, dates,

help and endless phone calls. - he would have jumped at the chance. Still don't know for sure on that one. As far as I know she's back with former marrried boss. No regret. She bragged at AA during the A about seeing a MM. Laughed when the fat hit the fan. Cow.

MOW2 was unhappy in her M and Planning to D her husband ( he didn't know that) WH was "nice" to her at the massage parlor so she supposedly offered him a free happy ending. His appetite was already whetted with OW1, so he was ripe. She flattered him; he jumped in penis first. This was an exit A for her - She decided she wanted my husband instead of her own. She was so "hurt" when he didn't "protect" her on D-day. Broke NC, and I just found out yesterday she is again seeing my STBX. Remorseful, not in the least. It's all about what she wants. And now she has it. Good luck to her!

It wouldn't matter to me if she was remorseful or felt guilty--the pain remains the same. He was looking for a temporary escape from real life, she was looking for someone to fill a void in her insecure little self--bingo a match made in heaven. She pretended to be divorced in hopes that he would rescue her out of her pathetic life--a year after our d-day she was already involved in affair #2 and this time she hit pay dirt because the new man was able to give her the exit out of her marriage she was looking for all along. If it wasn't her it honestly would have been someone else--there are lots of people out there looking for someone to fill a void--remorseful or feelings of guilt on the OWs behalf won't ease your pain. Just do your best to focus on healing you, your marriage and moving forward.