SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. We are still having a REALLY hard time. My BH has been in a state of depression for our entire R. DDay was 3 years ago. You can read my entire story in my profile.

Since DDay I have "coersed" my BH into going to MC, he doesnt't and has never gone for IC, aside from the few visits he had with our MC alone, when she wanted to see him privately. I am going IC, he has met my IC as well for one session a few weeks ago. My IC suggested an IC for him, he says he will go, but then as the time goes on he NEVER acts on it.

I have read all the books, I have been yelled at, ignored, been in that "fake" going thru the happy motions with my BH when he keeps me at a distance. I have been pulled in close to him when he is feeling a bit better and then at the drop of a hat he pushes me away emotionally again. Yes I do this because he I hurt him terribly, and he deserves someone who will stand by him and do whatever he needs at the moment. I have tried to encourage our MC to continue, but we have not gone on a consistant basis EVER. We have not gone at all in about 6 months. I have given him books to read, I have shown him time and time again this wonderful website, but nothing. He does not do it. So here I sit, hands tied, working on myself constantly, but him falling apart and me not being able to help him is killing me.

Yesterday he was at work, did not hear from him at all. So i texted him, he wrote back "not happy". So of course I asked y, what happened? He wrote that he was reading his book and there was a very bad chapter, and that he would let me read it when he got home. So, it doesn't take a genius for me to know what it was about.

He got home, he had to run back out on errands, he left the book with me. I looked at it. The book is very descriptive, talks about his and his wifes history, highschool sweethearts love of his life, how they completed each other...then to the day he walked into his bedroom and found his wife being F'd (yes in those words) by HIS boss. And it gets very descriptive...so I stopped reading. I knew where it was going, but my heart and stomach could not handle getting myself that upset. I am sure it got into REALLY graphic words. What I have known FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS my BH has been envisioning already.

So we had dinner with the kids, we hugged held hands as we often do, he put his hand on my back at dinner etc.

While we were cleaning up, he came over to the sink, I hugged him, and he told me that he "is broken". His words exactly.

Later he mentioned the book again. I told him exactly what I had read and it would upset me and I am working so hard on myself, to go back there with a FICTION BOOK, doesn't seem to serve any purpose. He got annoyed and told me to forget it.

I am asking what I should do. HE IS SO DEPRESSED IT IS TERRIFYING ME!!!...he won't go to a psychiatrist for medication. He won't do IC. What am I supposed to do. He cried HYSTERICALLY again last night. I held him and cried too. Then we fell asleep. It seems he is crying more and more at night now. I guess I'm just looking for what I should do, when it feels like he won't help himself.

Thank you so much for reading

Later he mentioned the book again. I told him exactly what I had read and it would upset me and I am working so hard on myself, to go back there with a FICTION BOOK, doesn't seem to serve any purpose. He got annoyed and told me to forget it.

This was not a good thing to say to him. The fiction book is his reality. He needs empathy in that aspect. Not telling him it serves no purpose. That is not fiction for him..it is true for him.

My wife was cautious of me and somewhat disconnected from me for 3 years and a half.

He is broken and will be for a looong time. Keep encouraging him to go to counseling. he does need to talk this out.

RSEB - I guess I'm just looking for what I should do, when it feels like he won't help himself.

First of all, I want to say Hello and give you a virtual hug as it really seems like you need one. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to fix your life, right after I fix my own. Sad to say, we both know that there is no magic wand; there is only a lot of hard work through reading, understanding, empathy, acceptance and finding some level of peace. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction for your own healing but your BS is having difficulties coping.

Trytoforgive - As remorseful WS's, it is hard to know when let go of the reins and know that they truly are responsible for their healing, as well. We can stop the bleeding, but we can't give them the will to live, KWIM?

My affair was also a long tern one and I think that when our spouses see that sort of long tern connection with the AP, it truly makes them feel that the marriage was and is destroyed. Hard for us to claim this was just a one-time affair, when in actual fact, they spanned years. Add to the fact that your is a madhatters relationship and I think it’s understandable that your marriage is still in crisis.

It sounds like your BS has not been able to come to terms with the affair and perhaps, has never come to terms with his own affair either. Regardless, his efforts at R seem minimal. Not unlike how a foggy WS has difficulty making the decision to go NC, I think that sometimes our spouses are also torn between D and R on a hourly, daily and monthly basis. They may settle for the status quo because they are not sure what direction they really truly want.

You need to make a decision. Can you live with this in your life forever? Is this what you want in a marriage? Can you settle for this relationship? If you can, then I guess, all you have to do is hang tight and continue on with this mess you call a marriage.

But if you don’t want this and if your gut screams run, then go. So take a page out of the BS manual and draw a line in the sand. You need to man up and tell him up front, I can’t take this and either things change or I am out of here. Cajoling isn’t helping and tears are useless. You have to take a stand for yourself.

Unagie - Our BS's that are willing to try R still love us and want to be with us but in the long run the A may be too much and will ultimately be a deal breaker no matter how much they try to still want to be with you, no matter how much you change. The hope comes from the fact that either way you will learn from this and learn to live, laugh, love and enjoy life in this new reality. You will learn more about yourself on this journey then you ever thought possible and you will need all of it to be able to enjoy life again. It's hard right now and seems like it's impossible but please believe that it will get better.

HUFI

BH here. I was broken as well by what my WW did and I was down for a long time. I wanted to open up to my wife and when I did she couldn't handle it. She let me talk but slowly backed away because my pain hurt her more than she could handle I guess. We were fine as long as we didn't have deep discussions but when I needed to really talk she couldn't handle it.

Later he mentioned the book again. I told him exactly what I had read and it would upset me and I am working so hard on myself, to go back there with a FICTION BOOK, doesn't seem to serve any purpose. He got annoyed and told me to forget it.

IMO, there will be other opportunities but you missed this one where your husband was reaching out to you. To YOU it didn't serve a purpose to go back there but it sounds like your H is still there in his head. He needs to process it and this was an opportunity for you to sit and listen which would help. So reading it in that book was a big deal to him. It brought up bad feelings and he was upset but he reached out to you or more accurately responded to you reaching out to him after you realized he was upset. It may take some time but this will happen again. If your H wants to talk about the details or some other trigger that made him react just be there for him. It may be old territory for you but it's still brand new for him even after 3 years sicne he hasn't dealt with it. If he continues and see that you are still there for him to discuss as needed then you can start trying to get him to see the counelor again.

To me this is a good sign. The book triggered him, you reached out, and he did start to talk. Yes it was a negative emotion for him but we have to process those as well in order to heal.

The discussion will likely turn into a discussion about what you did, how he felt, or questions about what happened versus what was in the book or something along those lines. Even if he doesn't realize it he would at least have been processing some of what's going on in his head.

He told you he was broken and the book he was reading got him to a point where he wanted to discuss something. That is good.

A BS can be in a FOG as well. I was for 1.5 years. We can't stay in it forever. At some point the walls come crashing in on us and if your H told you he was broken and has been crying alot more lately, it sounds like his walls are starting to come down.

Now is the time to be there for him. He has to fix himself but you can help by being supportive and listening and talking to him no matter the subject and how painful it it. And yes if he hasn't dealt with this for 3 years then once he does open up it will be likely be like Dday all over again in his mind because he never dealt with it. He will be at square 1 while you may be on square 15.

Speaking just from my experience when you don't deal with stuff eventually you can't take it anymore and the reality of your situation comes back with a vengeance and you have to deal. It happened to me and the trigger for me to fix myself was my WW saying she was quitting on the M. I had to face reality then and it sucked hard but I did it by myself. Your H still has you there doing the right things to fix yourself and being supportive when he does come around.

You can't heal him but you can help him along the way. Your husband did reach out to you this time and you missed it. There will be other times and you can be there for him then. Once he starts talking you can suggest counseling or suggest certain chapters in some of the books you read to help him digest what he is feeling at the moment. He may not read them at that time but eventually he will. I wish you and your husband the best. It really does get worse before it gets better. He will have to deal with his emotions eventually. It's your decision as well as to whether you want to R so if you choose to continue to stay then just be there for him. Eventually he will have to face what happened and deal with it.

ETA: I just read Hufi-Pufi's post. I didn't see the Madhatter reference. I am not sure how that dynamic works in relationships so please take and leave whatever does and does not apply to your situation from my post. I still wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:27 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]

This was not a good thing to say to him. The fiction book is his reality. He needs empathy in that aspect. Not telling him it serves no purpose. That is not fiction for him..it is true for him.

Floridaredman, thank you for your response and insight. I told him I would read it, but like I said the book was EXTREMELY graphic, which trust me, I KNOW my BH has been running those exact thoughts of me and MOM in his head over and over. When we do talk about the A I realize my BH being a man is ALL about the sex, while in reality for me it was about the attention and validation from MOM. In reality during the six years of my A, we had sexual contact 12 times. The first 2 years consisted of the first kiss and then one attempt at a hotel which was interupted when MOM's wife called and we both got scared and left. Yes I know my BH has questions, GRAPHIC questions, which I have answered honestly and in detail as much as I can remember, I have even tried to put myself back in that hotel room to remember more to help him, but that is also VERY hurtful for me when I see the tears my BH cries and how far I have come on MY journey. I have answered all of his questions, what position? was there oral? how long did he last? is he bigger then me? did you orgasm? Truth is, I never have been or will I ever be a highly sexual person. When I answer him honestly, he thinks I am lying. He asked if I orgasmed, I told him no, but I made MOM "think" I did. The response I get to that is, well that is just as bad.

My BH has asked again and again for a paternity test, which I went and got. It is still sitting there. I told him I won't do it, because if it comes back that my BH IS the father (which he 100% is because MOM and I DID NOT have intercourse prior to my conceiving) then I don't want to hear that I changed the samples etc.

My point about the book is that I have lived through EVERY day with the guilt and hurt. I have tried to talk to him about it when he is down, but to read a book that is downright pornographic in describing what the Betrayed man saw when he opened the bedroom door was just enough to make me almost throw up. I get my BH envisions the same thing, but I couldn't bring myself to read it. This is the FIRST thing I have not done that he has asked of me in THREE years...and funny thing is, I am still sitting here feeling guilty about that too.

HUFI PUFI, thank you as well. Yes I realize I do have a choice here as well, but my biggest reason for posting is that I KNOW I cannot fix him, but I am fearful that he may not make it. That if I were to end it, he may end his life. Even prior to him finding out about my A, but when he knew I wanted a D, he swallowed a bunch of pills, and EVERYTHING within me tells me he would do something to himself again. He doesn't say it, or threaten me with it, but he won't deny it either when I say it. Yes, he still does feel that there is no life without me, but is this, what we are doing to each other REALLY living?

not sure if I am reading this right but you said,

This is the FIRST thing I have not done that he has asked of me in THREE years

But you also said

My BH has asked again and again for a paternity test, which I went and got. It is still sitting there. I told him I won't do it,

So is the paternity test or the book the first thing you haven't done?

Also and I know its a small thing, but us BH's pick up on small stupid things if you have said

because if it comes back that my BH IS the father

, shouldn't that say "When it comes back"? The if and the refusal for whatever reason would for me indicate that you had your doubts? So what if he thinks you swapped the samples at least you would have made the effort?

Sorry if i'm totally on the wrong track there, sounds like you are having a hard enough time as it is!

Mind Movies are some of the worst torture that BS feel. It is gut wrenching pain, IMO.

Not sure if you wanted a 2 x 4, but here goes...Take that PATERNITY TEST. Do it for him. Let him know that he is the father of your child. Wouldn't that bring him joy? Wouldn't that let him know that your were/are telling the truth.

Actions, my friend, actions speak louder than words.

Let me clarify about the paternity test. I DID buy the test for him, but I am afraid that WHEN it comes back that he is the father and if HE didn't do it by himself without any "tampering" by me, then he would STILL question it. I will gladly walk with him every step of the way, but as in the past three years, understandibly so, he will doubt my word. I just want us to have the results so he can finally be at rest, at least with this one topic.

As far as the book goes, I will indeed sit down tonight and read it, so that he can release and share and ask me anything he wants to. I didn't realize that it would help him so much. Completely overlooked and misunderstood on my part, but I will make it right.

RSEB,

the whole time i was reading this post, a quote was running through my head...

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

You may 'past' some of this stuff, your healing may be light years beyond your H's...but that healing serves you nothing if you cant remember where you came from.

Im glad you decided to read the chapter, i hope it helps you both in understanding each other.

also, i mentioned this before and i stand by it fully, you must respect his sovereignty in his decision/indecision to use the paternity test.

You dont have to understand it, or agree with it, just respect it.

stillovingher,

thank you for your words. when you write:

also, i mentioned this before and i stand by it fully, you must respect his sovereignty in his decision/indecision to use the paternity test.

You dont have to understand it, or agree with it, just respect it.

I do respect his choice, but what upsets me SO much is that he has mentioned getting a test done and that he "really needs to know", but now it is just sitting there. I feel he is crumbling inside and out. It is hard to live with that on a daily basis, but I am grateful that he still loves me and chooses to stand by me while we continue on. It is hard to know when to jump in, when to urge and gently nudge him or when to just keep quiet. Sometimes it feels like he is looking to start a fight, to say see you didn't do this, see you told me to do that..and then it all erupts in a fight about the A. So many have told me here, especially the BH, that I should encourage him to talk to someone, that he will self destruct. I am SO fearful of that. To know I brought him to his knees and he doesn't know how to get back up, it is SO hard to navigate and hurts my heart more then most will ever know.

i understand it must be difficult. But i believe this is something he must come to terms with on his own. It is about sooo much more than paternity.

As far as helping him up when he cant find his footing...

Do you come to him with humility and concern, or frustration?

RSEB.

My ex made a comment to my middle child last summer. I had a very reputable lab do the paternity tests. I paid extra to get the court approved one.

They would even come out to the house and his work. He refused and said he was just joking. Didn't matter. I did it. If at some time he wants to get his done the boys results will be there for comparison. They all had the same father...

You mentioned that he read a book that was fiction. His life was fiction. How would that be any different? You need to understand when someone finds out their entire reality was a lie it's like the Truman Show. That's a whole other betrayal to work through in itself.

A good SI friend and I were talking about this the other night. It's sometimes harder for some to get through then the actually cheating. Being made to feel you're crazy, searching for something not right, beating yourself up for it, then having the rug pulled out from under them. Fucking brutal.

I'm going to make a suggestion. Read the part he read. Now imagine it was him doing those things with someone else. Really feel it. You know how he touches you. Laughs with you. That special look, smile, silent communication across a room couples share. He's now doing all those things with someone else as well as you.

What do you feel? That can be a start for conversation points. I'd dismiss the fiction comments. He's all too familiar with fiction having lived it.

I think what UO is suggesting about the book may be EXACTLY what your H is wanting.

I asked that of SLHim on many occasions, to really visualize and deeply feel what i was seeing and feeling.

obviously i disagree with going ahead with the test though.

I think you should consider telling him that the test is available, it is his choice and you appreciate the difficult nature of what goes into that choice enough to respect his wishes and the time/care he is putting into making that decision.

FWIW, I would feel highly disrespected if SLHim went behind my back on this.

Hello everyone, in regard to the book and the graphicness of its detail, that is what I had the problem reading. I have lived everyday realizing that my BH has these images in his head. But get ready for TMI. The book talked about the characters wife haveing her finger up the OM ass, and how he was penetrating her etc. That is not something I want to read, A or no A. My BH has asked me exact graphic questions and I have answered. I have been able to imagine what it would feel like. I was the BS in this before we were married, yet living together. I too had these visions in my mind for a long long time, however my BH sees it as not counting because I could have to quote him "very easily walked away". I tell him but I didn't, I chose to stay because I loved him.

I am afraid of doing the pat test alone without him watching everything because in the beginning of our R, my H wanted to hurt the MOM. So we set up a fake conversation recording between me and the MOM as if we were still in the midst of the A. I did this for my BH feeling that it would show my loyalty to him. My BH played it for the MOM W. It didn't go all that much further, and I don't know what is going on with their M now, but after we did this, my BH asked if I had called MOM and warned him and set this whole thing up. How is that for turning everything around? I did what my BH wanted and then he turned it on me. That is why I will NOT do the test without him being there every step of the way. Next he will accuse me of meeting up with MOM and getting a sample from him and switching them.

That is what I am afraid of, not the outcome, because I did not have intercourse with anyone else before we concieved. I want my BH to feel better.

That is what I am afraid of, not the outcome, because I did not have intercourse with anyone else before we concieved. I want my BH to feel better

That's why I suggested the lab. There's no question, then.

Ok, so if you were the BS why did you get upset with the "fiction" book?

I'm also concluding, from my own experiences and from reading here having experienced the "other" side doesn't help much understanding others reactions and responses as it is so very individual.

I suggested you read that passage because that's what he's imagining. I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy it. He obviously didn't either but that is what he was thinking about and experiencing so visit his reality for a bit.

Just a suggestion

Why have you stayed for 3 years? How long do you intend to put your life and happiness on the back burner? Never heard of someone so happy in their M and just decide to have an A. Just asking the whys and how long do you endure before walking away. Is he stopping you from healing? Do you ever think you may be stopping him from healing? These are the same questions I ask myself. There must be a end before there is a new beginning...

How long do you intend to put your life and happiness on the back burner?

Maybe a thread jack. I'm honestly curious. How is working through the results of horrible choices with someone that was affected by those putting your life and happiness on the back burner?

Whether you leave or stay those choices have already been made. There will be fallout regardless and hard work to do no matter what.

I left. I'm still working through my choices. Even if the marriage was truly miserable the healing from that was a cake walk compared to what I pain I inflicted on myself.

If 3 years later and there has been no movement and you spent all the time trying to help,heal,support,encourage, love and show your bs how committed to the marriage, how sorry you are when does it become "us" again? How long does one pay for a horrible choice that they have repented for? Years?a life time? If the choice was already made because of the A, then what I am understanding is the WS should just walk away and call it quits?

Surviving, where do you get there is no movement?

Yes, there are still a lot of issues, but considering the length of the affair I'd say pretty understandable.

He's reaching out, and trying to dialog as well as turning toward RSEB. That is a fete in and of itself.

I don't see what RSEB is doing is "paying for" anything. She's trying to help her husband heal and working on building a healthy marriage.

It may not be possible but as long as they're both willing to try why would either walk away.

Walking away doesn't give the distance, necessarily, one may think it does. If dysfunction isn't fixed it goes along where you go.

t/j

If dysfunction isn't fixed it goes along where you go.

Some of the truest words ever spoken, IMO. Needs Hufi's clapping icon.

end t/j