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gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 2:49 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014
Is there any way that this thread can be added to the Healing Library? Or at least the two posts TIKY initially posted?
I've heard of Hoovering but this really hit home.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
Harriet ( member #34543) posted at 4:07 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014
I needed this today. 
D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12
NaiveAgain ( member #20849) posted at 1:19 PM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
I'm bumping this because I need to see this and let it sink in also. I was kind of wondering past few days if this is what is going on or not. I do think mine is sincere, but he is already getting tired of some of the new boundaries.
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.
UKgirl ( member #17062) posted at 12:13 PM on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014
Bumping - this is the first time I've read this.
Excellent article!! Thanks TIKY. 
Affair1: Dday 30/07/06 LTA: 5yrs ex-fiancee Affair2: Dday 04/09/20 9mths another XHSgf.Me/BS, still young. Him/WS, old. 4 grown boysHaving an affair because you are unhappy is like eating Ex-lax because you are hungry - unfound's mom
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 3:43 PM on Tuesday, May 27th, 2014
bump
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 3:26 PM on Sunday, September 21st, 2014
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
TheEdge ( member #44667) posted at 8:22 PM on Sunday, September 21st, 2014
Bump Bump Bump
Don't answer the door to that Kirby salesman!
Don't want it... don't need it… Can't afford it!!!
All the love gone bad turned my whole world to black.
Tattooed all I see. All that I am and all I'll ever be. - Pearl Jam - Black
sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, September 22nd, 2014
After the raging...now he's hoovering! I completely ignored it and went on discussing custody issues.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 3:29 PM, September 22nd (Monday)]
DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.
sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014
Wow, he's laying it on thick. Yesterday he bought the same food that I made for one of our first dates.
And the things out of his mouth:
"I love you. You're the best thing that every happened to me and it kills me that I've been the worst thing for you."
pulease.
I'm finding it difficult not to respond. I want to show my true feelings, but that would mean he'd be successful in pulling me in. I know he feeds off my negative emotions too. He's not doing this for me. I've asked him to keep any conversation to kids and finances. He's stepping over my boundaries. It's always about him.
DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.
TS68 ( member #40211) posted at 2:45 PM on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014
This showed up at the perfect time.
I am definitely being sucked back in. When he treats me well, sends little lovelies and brings me lattes, I feel guilty for not showing appreciation. But it is though he expects it! He wants me to act like "oh yes honey I forgot how wonderful you are. Let me take care of all your needs!! And forget all about the shit that has gone down!!"
When he behaves like this, I let my guard down and stop questioning. But as soon as I start using the VAR again, I realize nothing has really changed. He is still a lying manipulator.
Me: 48
Him: 50
Married 22 years too many
DS19, DS17, DD10
Divorced
Know your worth.
sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 3:46 PM on Saturday, September 27th, 2014
Me too TS68.
I feel like I'm losing the battle. And it's not because I'm being swept off my feet. I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable for having emotions (that I don't show in front of the kids), for having boundaries and for no longer acting submissive. He wants everything to be nice and pleasant. He wants to do things as a family even though I asked for a separation. He keeps doing 'nice' things and overstepping his boundaries. I'm expected to say thank you, I appreciate everything you do. His parents praise us for acting mature through all this. It's an image I have to maintain, apparently.
When I do give in and we talk about the relationship, he keeps asking "why are you attracted to men like me? Why do you do the things you do?" I blamed myself for all of our problems before DDay. Now I feel like he expects me to see myself as more damaged than I ever thought I was. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a terrible person. Like I must have asked for all this.
I feel like he'll never let me go and I'll be stuck forever.
I know I won't be, it just gets so tiring constantly battling him for my own soul and freedom.
I'm so tired. 
[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:47 AM, September 27th (Saturday)]
DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.
ThoughtIKnewYa (original poster member #18449) posted at 11:51 PM on Saturday, September 27th, 2014
It's an image I have to maintain, apparently.
Bingo!! It's nothing BUT an image- as JJ says down in I Can Relate (on the NPD thread), "There's no there, there." Work on refusing to speak to him about personal issues. It'll drive him nuts and he'll step up the hoovering, at first, but then he'll get bored of getting no reaction from you. I learned how to "flatline" my responses, so there's nothing to feed off of. In flatlining, you are reflecting back to the N the true nature of the N. They can't stand to look at THAT, so they'll look elsewhere.
sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 3:35 PM on Sunday, September 28th, 2014
The interesting thing is that for years, he complained about how his parents were all about maintaining an image.
I definitely need to work on not speaking about personal issues. Stick to kids and money. I like the idea of flatlining my responses.
DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.
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