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my wife and i have resumed making love....its not hbonding...its not intense..for long periods..

nothing in the mornings...afternoons or early evenings..

always according to her "rules"

i ask to make love..and its typically 1-3 nights later before she approves and it happens.

now this week....we made love on NY eve and i asked again Friday night..and was told "tomorrow" night which was Saturday...last hight and it did happen

But here is the bigger issues:

1) she never take off her night shirt..ever

2) i cant touch her breasts at all if i do, i get the arm brush-back

3) no oral sex whatsoever...me on her or her on me

4)No emotional cuddling after making love..refuses to talk about any feelings or emotions...although i do talk and tell her what i am feeling etc and i do cuddle with her...but after about 5 min. she tells me she got a hot flash and is too hot now..so I move back to my side of the bed so to say. she never cuddles with me with her arm or leg over me.

5)No long forplay timeframe..only about 3-4 minutes...I would like a longer time of kissing and touching and becoming closer as we should etc....

6) she never initiates making love..i have to ask

she is completely naked every day when we get ready for work..i see her entire body naked.. but when we make love, she has to keep her sleep shirt on

I will talk to our counselor about this in my IC this week. IC & CC the same

Everytime i talk to WW about this she says its her issue its not me and she needs to work this out in "IC" before it can be resloved

She told me last night that in talking about my emotions to her after we made love, she thinks i have taken up the "Female role" which i told her immediateely that was very hurtful and she also immediately apologized for saying that.

Can anyone offer any insight as to that is going on in that head of hers?

perhaps as a wayward wife some of my friends at SI can help me understand....???

me: BS-58

her: WW -57

married : 25 yrs

known each other -28yrs

LTA- 6-7 yrs (PA & EA) former boss (also married)

D- 23 yrs old -no longer at home

D day 3-13-12

confront day with WW: late April 2012

lies and TT ..for months..true NC. mid June -2012 ...initiated by her

1st making love:10-18-12 (on 25th anniv cruise)

i outed her to AP's wife in April 2012.

Status: in R but its been rollercoaster..and these sexual hangups are holding back a true emotional connection for us

edited for spelling

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 9:02 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]

..sorry..hsbi..only one word comes to mind..

'frigid'.. she's not enjoying much of anything here..

..your efforts and requests are being trivialized and minimized and just about ignored..

..no love, no sex = no relationship..

..flashing her naked body around in the morning is just plain teasing.. unless she is just so detatched from you emotionally that she really doesn't give a shit 'HOW' you feel.

..as long as she makes the rules ... and you go by them.. you're kinda S>O>L>.

..my fWW is giving me her everything.. especially in the bedroom..

..you are being used here..manipulated and demeaned..

..take charge of your needs.. OR.. you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated..

..so much..too much disrespect ..she sounds 'checked out'..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:43 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

Is there any history of sexual abuse as a child with your wife? I mean it could be other things, but that kind of rigidity and rule making around sex really makes me think there might be.

I don't see selfishness in that list, I see fear.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 12:48 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

..do you have the details of her intimate behaviour with her boss?

..did she keep her nightshirt on with him, cuddle with him, give him oral, get oral from him, make him follow all her rules????

those answers may provide some clues to the dynamics of what wasand now is going on here.

..again, so sorry you are here.. no fun dealing with this shit at our 'advanced' age

smy

Maybe it's just menopause, she is 57 and probably smack in the middle of it. Look up the symptoms, loss of desire is one of them...

What was sex like prior to and during the affair?

I see possible prior abuse as well. And just because she never told you doesn't mean it's not there.

As an aside, I have read your past posts. Gently, there is a difference between staying married and reconciling. Nothing in any of your posts suggests you and she are in R. She is simply staying married to you. Is that really what you want? If your sex life was "normal" prior to or even during the affair but so drastically changed now, I believe her heart is not with you.

My reply may be TMI, but I will be honest with you.

With my FWH I still struggle with intimacy with him. I can have sex with him, but not overly enjoyable for me. I want it over pretty quick.

She is distancing herself from intimacy. Her gown is acting as a barrier to keep you at distance. I also do not care for my FWH to touch my breasts or to participate in oral sex either way. Once again, because it brings too much intimacy and pain for me. I do not like foreplay....same reasons.

I am not sure why she has this fear of intimacy, but I would lay money on it. She may have unresolved guilt or feelings for OM. My FWH see's me naked, but it is not the same as intimate touching. We do sleep without night clothes, but personally, I struggle with that level of intimacy. While I am the BW, I would say your WW is avoiding the intimacy too.

I would say in the IC/CC the issue of how to create intimacy needs to be discussed. Intimacy does not have to be sexual, but certainly impacts sexuality.

I hope you both can work this out.

I can't help but wonder if her OP was her boss whether there was some form of understated yet clear coercion and power play at play in the A, and that her shame about that may be a factor here. Sexual abuse sounds very plausible - whether it be an earlier abuse that allowed her boss's 'use' of her, or possibly casting couch obligations of the working relationship with her boss.

Oh my gosh I am so frustrated for you. You need to get the info on how the was with OM. I don't understand having to ask for sex. With my husband and myself it just happens. A few times during the affair I did turn him I wasn't in the mood because he was a drinker and that turned me off. How was sex during the affair?

Thank you to all my friends @

SI that responded. WW came from a very strick family.

Her first marriage included infidelity by her husband and reason for her D.

My wife is a control freak and manages everything ..in fact she does this mgmt. To the extremes.

She was the aggressor in the A.

She apologized multiple times for her bad judgement re the A in our talk yesterday.

I have seen relaxing in her since we started making love again this past Oct.

No lights at all... now light can. Be on. Her movements are more animated than in the beginning but still very restricted.

Only 2 positons so far too. Sex was great before A..less the 5 yrs. No sex

i feel like an idiot for allowing her to not to have sex with me for all those yrs..always had an excuse and would say..we will work on this later.

I discovered A... she did not tell me.

I. hope i answered all your questions. If i missed one...i am sorry

Thank you again all my SI friends

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 12:43 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Do you have the whole truth? Can the two of you discuss intimate things not having to do with sex? Is she swallowed up by guilt and grief that she is mentally paralyzed? Does she expect to go back to the way things were instead of making your marriage better and stronger ? I think this is way of distancing herself from any relationship with you. After all this time, you deserve better from her. Is she in IC? What is she doing to help herself?

Sorry for all the questions but this sounds way bigger than a simple answer.

It sounds like a lot of what I did, hurtsobadinside.

I am the BS, but I built up walls and was detaching from my WH. I love sex, but I don't enjoy being treated like a blow up doll and that is the way my FWH treated me for years. My "rules" got more and more restrictive over the years.

Also, I have highly sensitive nipples, not in a good way. It is very hard for me to let my FWH enjoy my breasts, well, the breasts okay, but the nipples. The only way I can describe the feeling is along the lines of that noise of "fingernails scraping on a chalkboard".

I feel she is distancing herself from you, just from the way I behaved, I could be wrong. I agree with brkn_heartd about the intimacy issues.