SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Am at former marital home visiting my kids before I depart overseas for work. Went into office, I did ask first, to print off some documents and list was there sitting on the desk in plain view for anyone to see, including my kids if they go in there.

Damn, ask the cops to meet you there now!

How old are your children? (just wondering)

When do you leave the country?

I agree that CS should be called. Is there anyway you can postpone your trip so that the children don't end up in foster care?

I apologize if any of my answers are vague, just keeping my cards close to my chest in the event she is following along or anything. Few things happened over past few weeks that gives me reason to believe she is tracking. Had an email hacked and all documents deleted, only thing in that account was evidence of her affairs (she's in the military and she certainly doesn't want any of that to come to light), and then the other day my computer crashed, which was working just fine the night previous.

Anyhow, I have a tween and to teenagers in the house as well as my grandbaby.

Dude, I hope you have a safety deposit box that is in your name only. Start printing or photocopying all evidence, including screen shots. You keep originals in the safety deposit box, you give a copy to your atty, you think about another set a family member or friend keeps, and even think about storing something electronically in an account only YOU can access. You force that parenting evaluation, too. Your atty needs to be ON this to protect your kids.

The house is filthy and there are children there? Screw the list, those conditions are horrible.

She can have her dom/sub relationship as long as she's consenting but those conditions are unacceptable for children or any living being. Report her ASAP and put an end to this dangerous nonsense.

Wow........

This is sick.

And this is why I personally do not understand the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Gray book etc.

IMHO legitimizing S&M sexual behavior leads to abuse of women.

I will never understand why a woman would be turned on by a man hitting her, spanking her, tying her up etc.

But...I guess if they are consenting adults there is nothing anyone can say or do.

However, you have young children to protect.

This sounds like a very toxic and dangerous environment.

Please seek out the advice of an attorney and a child psychologist.

Your children should not be anywhere near this OM!

Email account was only one of many of my repositories for my information.

You're going overseas, but can put into action a police and/or CPS investigation before you go.

You can't leave without doing SOMETHING.

Tweens/teens/infants in a filthy 50 Shades of Grey environment is ...well, enough to keep me from going overseas.

I am NOT blaming you--I know that you may have NO leeway in terms of leaving. But if you do, please postpone at least until you can ensure your kids' safety.

If it's for a job? Well, your kids and grandbaby are more important.

If it's for the military, there has to be SOMEONE who can make it possible for you to remain here long enough to handle this dangerous situation or deal with it in your stead.

This is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

And doing nothing because you're afraid your wife will find out you TURNED HER IN FOR NEGLECTING HER CHILDREN is wrong, too. Who cares what she hacks? The safety of children is at stake.

Do the right thing.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:07 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

If she's in the military then inform her superiors.

Have you told your attorney? What actions have you taken?

I agree you should report her to her superiors, career be damned. All military personnel know that having an affair in the first place is putting their career in jeopardy.

Since she's in the military, by all means inform her commander. Also tell him/her of the condition of the home. I just learned from my H (former military) that the condition of the homes of military personnel fall under the commander's purview. Why? Because it's part of the person's readiness. As a member of the military, she is essentially owned by the US government. *Anything* that affects her is their business. If the OM doesn't like it, tough. And my guess is, he won't because her oath will trump what he wants. At least it should if she really wants her career. If not then she'll lose everything, get a dishonorable discharge, lose her pension and all benefits, etc. If that happens, I'd almost bet the OM throws her under the bus.

I'm sorry, your situation is beyond f*cked up. Take care of yourself and get those kids to a safe place.

ETA: H recommends you Google the UCMJ to get a better handle on what your WW could be letting herself in for. My H read some of it to me and at the very least, his "requirement" that she check in every two hours would affect the performance of her duties. THAT is something the military would assuredly take issue with.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 6:26 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

The reality is 50 shades only streamlined S&M. If it is between consenting adults, CPS is highly unlikely to do anything. The series simply romanticized a sexual fetish. Strange but realistically not causing your children harm. I would speak with your wife about making better choices and being more discreet in her activities based on the age of your children. Teens are very observant when they choose to be.

I would encourage you to call for the state of the home but once again, they will probably not remove the children from the home...simply enforce a clean up. Unfortunately it is a very frustrating to deal with CPS. Your children aren't small... Do they have an issue with the living situation? Do they contribute to cleaning, etc? Certainly not entirely their responsibility but part of being a family and they are old enough to help.

[This message edited by Irolnyatbest at 6:06 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

You have to make the children a top priority immediately. Call child protective services and speak with the police to make sure they know who the OM is in the event anything should happen to the children. Take pictures, gather all the data you can. Then, get those kids out of that toxic situation as soon as you can.

I agree, it is effed up that she wants to live a life like this. But leaving the list out for the kids to see is wrong beyond comprehension.

I wish you and your children the best.

Strange but realistically not causing your children harm.

Are you kidding me? Ummm, if his wife was stupid enough to leave that list out in the open, (and I would guess there is 99.9% chance they have already seen it) no telling what else the kids have been exposed to.

Someone on this site a year or so ago told some story about visiting some couple's home in which the H had the wife crawling around on the floor wearing a dog chain IN FRONT OF THE GUEST!!!

This is some seriously fucked up shit, and I would move heaven a earth to get my kids away from that lifestyle.

Extremely scary.

What comes to mind is:

1) Get the kids out of the house and get you and them to permanent safety.

2) Prepare for bad news down the line about her health. This man is abusive. Sounds like something terrifying right out of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. In fact, if you feel you can do this without it compromising your own emotional health (don't know if you're NC with her?), I might suggest gifting her that book.

3) Did I mention get yourself and the kids far away from him, to a safe place? Even if the OM doesn't hurt them directly, it can't be healthy seeing this kind of sick dynamic played out between their mother and the OM. Bad enough that she cheated on you and the kids, her family.

I'm so sorry, that is so messed up.

Yes my children are all of an age were they can clean up. Since I left her I have talked to them numerous times that they need to step up and do their chores after seeing the condition of the house week after week. They don't have a problem doing them, it usually just takes a reminder and then following up and making sure they did them. She doesn't do that. She has a problem with setting and enforcing boundaries. More times than not kids are pretty much left on their own as she is off to the bedroom on her computer making sure she's "available 24/7" or on the couch sleeping, and or on here phone texting him. So kids aren't held to their tasks and don't do them.

I am well versed in the UCMJ and have more than enough to prove adultery at least a couple times. The situation was different previously and I hadn't pursued any of it, not wanting to take away her livelihood and her ability to provide for my kids.

"The reality is 50 shades only streamlined S&M. If it is between consenting adults, CPS is highly unlikely to do anything. The series simply romanticized a sexual fetish. Strange but realistically not causing your children harm."

I'm sorry, but while lots of OM's "rules" were sexual, there were also many which were flat out isolating and abusive. For example, not making eye contact with other men, checking in with him every 2 hours and as soon as she wakes up every morning, asking his permission before she goes anywhere or does anything, and doing whatever he says because it's in her "best interest."

The whole sub/dom thing is one thing when couples enjoy it EXCLUSIVELY in the bedroom. But these rules, outside of the bedroom, are flat out abusive.

No, he might not be slapping the shit out of her in front of the kids, but are you honestly trying to tell me that it's not harmful for children to grow up in a home in which their mother is being controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused?!?!?!?!

Not to mention, it's not like this list was found in private e-mails, or by digging around under the mattress. This abusive rules list, which by the way contains some graphic sexual content that I would not approve of my children reading or seeing, was left OUT IN THE OPEN FOR ANYONE TO READ!!!

I'm not sure how old the kids in this situation are, but if any of them are older than 5, it is completely inappropriate. If CPS isn't doing anything about children growing up in abusive households where sexual contant is left out in the open for them to see and read...what the hell IS CPS doing?

As if that's not enough, the house is in a disgusting condition.

Call the police, notify her military commander, take pictures, and make copies to back up all evidence. Since you have to go out of town, make arrangements with family for them to watch the kids. I'm sorry, I wouldn't allow my kids to be in that enviornment for one single second.

How are you so calm and collected? I would have lost my mind by now. You're a hero mikeromeo!

Just reread OM's "rules" and I can see where at least two of them could come into direct conflict with the military. Such as requiring her to dress the way he wants. If she's on duty then she has to at least wear her BDUs. If the OM doesn't want her to who will she decide to obey?

Another one. Telling him where she'll be, who she'll be with and for how long. There could be a situation where she cannot comply. Depending on her MOS she may not be able to tell anyone outside those she'll be working with.

What if she's sent on assignment? Will she have to ask dirtbag's permission to go where she's been ordered to go?

This guy needs to learn that, by and large, the military does NOT take orders from civilians. I'm assuming OM isn't military as well. If he is, that adds a crapload more trouble to the situation.

At some point (I believe) your WW is going to have to make a choice: OM or the military.

I agree a call to CPS should be placed, if for no other reason than to have someone on notice that the living conditions are unhealthy. Unfortunately, neither the list or the filth are a good enough reason individually or jointly to get the kids removed from the home. They might be told to clean up the house, but the BDSM list will likely not be dealt with.

If they knew what they were doing within that lifestyle, they would not leave the list out for anyone to read, it would be a private affair, even if it was taken beyond the bedroom.

The BDSM lifestyle can be harmful to children, but it won't constitute removal from the home.

I'm sorry your kids are in that environment.