SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have found that it is better and necessary to act in a calm rational manner, regardless of how fucked up what she does is. She has made several allegations to me and others that I am verbally and emotionally abusive so I refuse to give her cause to continue making them.

Talking to her reasonably and pointing out all the ways this relationship is not healthy in regard to her own mental state and her issues that I am aware is pointless.

She was EA with this guy previous to me leaving her, and although we had agreed to explore whether or not the marriage was salvageable. My condition was that EA would have to end to even start discussion. She refused, I had enough of her serial cheating and left. He found out we were still intimate thanks to me. After I left she asked for my advice about doing something that the thought of made her sick to even think about. (sorry repeat from my earlier post). Well she finally told me he said she would have to sleep with another woman to prove her worthiness. I pointed out how unhealthy it all was and would she really compromise herself and her dignity like that. Shortly after she agreed that it was wrong, she was sickened by it and ended it and would never meet him in person. Well we see where she's at now.

I will not address it with her, but it is being addressed.

Do you know the OM?

Wondering if he is also military.

[This message edited by healingtree at 7:55 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Im sorry MikeR. This is awful.

This goes beyond some sex fetish. His requests are abusive. Controlling who she see's and what she wears is listed as abuse on Domestic Abuse websites.

Honestly, I feel she is so far in the relationship, if faced with dishonorable discharged, she probably wont react to that as she should.

I also question where her accusations of your abusing her are not from this scum bag. His way of getting everyone around her out of the picture.

I see you say things are being "addressed". Praying things work out for the best.

Everyone needs to quit focusing on the list. As long as both adults are consenting there is no problem. However there are children involved in a filthy house and there are probably more things going on. That is not okay.

If 2 people agree to play 50 Shades of Grey that's one thing. Involving children is quite another.

As a member ..

I agree the list is the least of your concerns. The kids need out of there and you as the only parent in this situation who can see that, need to do something about it.

He's grooming her to be his sex slave. It's 50 Shades, played out in real life.

There was a poster who said child services wont remove the kids and Im afraid she is right. I agree MikeR needs to do it but from what he is saying, Im reading between the lines that he is addressing the situation. Or rather the situation is being addressed.

I agree that we live in a free society and consenting adults are permitted to do whatever freaky shit they want to do to get their jollies.

I am concerned that there will be children in the home when their mother is being controlled (abused) in this manner. How f'd up will the kids be when they see that their mother cannot even eat what she desires without permission from her "master", a man who isn't even her husband/their father? Think of the damage to their minds seeing her rush to make the every two hour contact. Think of seeing her reduced to not even being able to select her own clothing.

The children need to be removed from the home.

When OM told her she would need to sleep with another woman to prove her worthiness it was obvious she was deeply struggling and anguished over it, even not knowing details I could tell this. She was troubled enough to confide in me, of all people what he had asked. She had talked to a few close friends about it and they agreed it was fucked up and unhealthy. Figured coming from others she would get the message.

Part of back story. This EA started online and she was sending him nude pics within a week. My instincts were pinging, not because she was having another EA, already knew, they were telling me something wasn't right with this guy.

My instincts are off the chart, I don't think this is two consenting adults role playing. I think this list is real and that's what this fucker expects.

I have gone against my instincts too many times over the past two years and each time they were right.

I am handling this!!

I hear you, Mike. I believe you are handling this. I am so deeply concerned for you, your kids, and even your wife.

Nature,

I too have concern for my stbxw. I have detached from her emotionally, have filed for divorce and only talk to her about the children and any joint financial stuff (dentist, dr's)yet it is hard to watch this down ward spiral.

She was a very bright woman, I was proud of what she had accomplished and saw that she had a very bright future in the military. She won't/refuses to see that all of the shit she has done in the past two years is going to bite her in the ass and that bright future is going to come crashing down around her.

I know I can't fix her, nor do I have the desire. Tried for two years to help her help herself. I'm in this life now for me and my kids.

I will do whatever I need to, to protect them and shield them from this train-wreck.

He's grooming her to be his sex slave

Mike - I don't want to put this out there because just typing it makes me cringe. But I have to. I don't know the ages and genders of your children, but if you have daughters, who is to say that one of his "requests" would be to give your daughter her first sexual experience?

I know this from experience from a very dear friend of mine. He was the same way with his wife (he was a stepfather do her daughter, aged 13) - one of his "demands" was that she offer her DD to him if she truly loved him. And that it would be best for her to learn about sex from him. This went on until she left for college and she reported him and he is in prison. But her scars are permanent.

Again, sorry to be so blunt. I know you are handling this and you have your children's best interests in your heart.

Sending you strength...

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 8:32 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

I will not address it with her, but it is being addressed.

You are right, it probably shouldn't come from you.

Handling it carefully and rationally is the right thing to do.

Good luck.

People like this DO escalate. It takes more and more outrageous stuff to turn them on. I know whereof I speak in this. I dated a man who tried very hard to get me to be what this man wants your STBXW to be. He'd read "The Story of O"; I hadn't. The early stuff was fun. Then he tried to get me to do something I found revolting. And I told him to get stuffed.

Such people (and they're usually male) are so dangerous. They give their "love" and "approval", then when you're hooked, they coldly take it away unless you do what they want. People who have little self-esteem can get hooked on the love and approval, and desire it above all else. One infamous murderer here in Ontario hooked his wife into drugging her baby sister and giving her to him for his birthday gift (she died when she choked on her own vomit from the alcohol & drugs they'd used on her), then went on to abduct and kill two other teenage girls before being caught. That can be the lengths "groomed" women will go to to keep the love and approval of these warped personalities. In the process they become warped themselves. (Not saying that your STBXW's guy will go to such lengths, but honestly, it doesn't sound good if he's already asking her to sleep with another woman.) That your STBXW told you about her AP's request is a good sign. It shows she is not yet entirely under his spell. Maybe she can be saved, but it's not up to you to do the saving. She has to save herself. You can concentrate on saving your children.

Please get the kids out of that house. This sounds very disturbing. I am so afraid that he's going to want one of your children. Your STBXW doesn't sound as if she's in the position to even try to stop him. Report him! At the least, talk to your children, (each one alone) and find out if he's ever touched them, made your ex do 'weird' things in front of them, made sexual comments about them or simply forced your ex to prioritize him over them. I honestly believe your children are in serious danger.

Childhood sexual abuse does happen...every day. It's not far fetched that he is grooming your WW to turn them over to him. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I beg you to not let this happen. The memory of their childhood will be scarred for their entire lives.

That list is some seriously fucked up shit. And I'm not talking in a delusional WS way. I'm talking sinister and psychopathic. And evil.

^^^ This ^^^

This is a sick, scary animal.

That list is something pulled off of or compiled from the internet, from the fiction section of some BDSM site. Not gonna be judgemental about people who want to do the BDSM thing and know what they are doing, but this list is strictly amatuer hour fantasy stuff. That makes it very dangerous.

t/j

One infamous murderer here in Ontario hooked his wife

She was just as bad as he was, she only got a deal in court because people thought it was a controlling abuser with a poor frail victim wife. Some of the info that has come out since indicates that she may have actually encouraged him to be worse than his own sickness would have lead to on its own.

I have found that it is better and necessary to act in a calm rational manner, regardless of how fucked up what she does is.

This is the exact right stance to take with your WW. Calm and rational to her face....while doing what needs to be done in the meantime. I'm glad that this situation is being handled by you in a rational manner.

she asked for my advice about doing something that the thought of made her sick to even think about.

I have no problem with individuals that engage in any type of sexual activities as long as they are both consenting and fully aware of what they are doing and what the *rules* are. Oh, and as long as no *innocent* 3rd parties serve as collateral damage. Different strokes for different folks. At the same time, though...I'm not getting the impression that Mike's WW knows what she's gotten herself into and this OM seems extremely dangerous to me. The fact that she made the statement that I quoted above is a testament to that. This BDSM relationship, if that is what it is, does not sound truly consensual on her part. And THAT? I have a huge issue with....especially when there are children in the picture. This situation has the potential to end up in a horrific manner.

Wait! Did I just read this correctly from a different post of yours.

You are leaving to go overseas for a YEAR?!?

Can you postpone this?

Are you going to do something to protect your children?

Is this why you don't want to mess up her employment?

Please think long and hard about this before leaving them alone in this situation for a year. When you come back, you may not recognize those kids anymore. Tread cautiously.

Please protect your children. One night when my FWH and I went to MC a man and his 3 sons were there finishing up. The boys were between 3 and 10. They were acting out and father allowed MC to give us background to alleve our shock and concern for kids. Background is kids were acting out sexually with each other and molested kids at school. When questioned they blamed their father. He was arrested and his rights revoked. He kept insisting he was innocent. No one believed him until the boys were finally placed by the state under a new IC which was our MC.

During IC with kids it finally came out that their mother was doing devious sex acts with a man IN FRONT of the kids. She gave him access to the boys and was doing drugs. They were told by their mother to blame the father to authorities when the school intervened. Thing is the parents were married and the father had no clue what his wife was doing while he was at work. He was stunned and devastated to be accused. No one would believe him that he was innocent. If it hadn't have been for the state getting the kids under the right IC the truth wouldn't have come out for years. These kids are seriously messed up and are not safe around each other or other children. They were sexually abused and witnessed their mother and this man in disgusting sex acts.

The father is now exonerated and has custody of the kids. These boys may never be fully healed from their ordeal. Please do not allow this sick man access to y our children. Call the authorities and your lawyer. She is not willing to protect herself from this man so what makes you think she will protect your children?