SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She tells me tonight (Sat)she has been having an affair for years with a friend of hers, and mine! She was with him as recent as last month. We have been married for 16 years and I think the affair has been going on for over ten years. This is a man I considers my friend, we went to his wedding and have spent time wih his wife and kids. She swears it's over and want to make our marriage work. Says she will answer any questions. With have three kids- which she swears are mine, so I have to think of them also. I considered our marriage to be OK, nothing like fake TV marriages but average. Apparently I was wrong! Not exactly sure why she told me now after all this time, and not sure I would believe her answer anyway. He did tell his wife so I wonder if it's just to make sure I found out from her.

Really not sure how to process this right now? I had to leave the house and am trying to process all this. Obviously there are several things I am angry about but the one that seems to sting the most of she seems to be going about stuff as if nothing has happened. She probably does not feel that way but that's how I feel. She gets to heal now that it is off her chest, while my roller coaster ride has just began.

Believe it or not, you are not alone.

Long term affairs (LTAs) are a different animal. My WW was involved with an old flame/work colleague for 2-3 years. We are trying to recover and reconcile.

In some of my posts I have speculated that LTAs are like parasites to an M. They are never conceived as replacing the M like some shorter ones that soon flame out.

I have benefited from the writings and ideas of the poster "trynhard" on this site.

As you begin to process, remember that during those many years you were living an authentic life. All the deception and torment and conflict was HER misery, not yours.

There are many people here that can empathize with what you are going through.

Also please join us at the long term affairs thread in the I Can Relate forum.

Welcome to SI, Bikingguy. I am sorry you have to be here, but I am happy you found us.

One of the most important things to do is take care of yourself. Make sure you eat, drink plenty of water and try to get some sleep.

Are you sure the BW (Betrayed Wife) of the MOM (Married Other Man) knows? If it is because your WW says so, I really wouldn't believe too much of what she is saying right now. Does she seem remorseful? How has she been towards you?

She does seem remorseful and wants to make it work. She wants to get back to when we were more open and affectionate. I do to, but I don't think it's fair to me to forgive her this quick. This sounds petty but we talked last night and it is possible that we may work past this and have a better marriage - sounds like a win win for her. She gets to cheat for year and still have a marriage. Today I went for a swim and has zero energy, she goes for a run and has her faster run. I realize its not healthy to "keep score" but I can't deny how I feel.

She may be acting as if nothing has happened because none of this is "new" to her, she has been living with this secret for years.

For you, it is all shockingly new. The first few days we are all pretty much in shock friend. Then it all starts sinking in.

You have had a double betrayal...your wife and your "friend".

Sit down and strap yourself in. Tight. Read up in the healing library and post whenever you need to.

Sorry you had to join us here.

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Please contact an attorney and find out you and your children's rights and how to protect yourself. Even if you don't divorce there is peace of mind and serenity in doing so.

I would contact the other man's wife and verify that she knows.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Take your time to figure out what you can and are able to live with.

I won't sugar coat things, but this roller coaster is a mother fucker. Reconcile or divorce it is going to be quite a bumpy ride and for quite some time. Regardless of what happens, you will be all right.

In the upper left hand corner is a link to the Healing Library. Start by reading the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses. Also, at the top of this forum is a great post from the SI Staff.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water.

Hang in there. We got your back.

Thanks. Is there a reference to what all the acronyms are?

With have three kids- which she swears are mine

You may need to do a paternity test to confirm. We've had a few cases here where it turns out the Other Man was the impregnator.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 9:57 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

In the Healing Library at the top of the page is a listing for most of the abbreviations members frequently use.

Yeah the abbreviations can seem pretty daunting. Sorry, but soon it will be second nature.

In the "Healing Library" when you click on it, there should be a few choices to click on and abbreviations should be one. Also, in the General forum at the top of the page there is pinned thread called "More Abbreviations".

How do you know the BW (Betrayed Wife) knows?

One thing you lost is the person you thought you knew. That's a real mountain to concur. You may realize you still love her, but hate what she has done.

So here's a question that may be instrumental in whether you try to Reconcile or not.... why did she tell you? Why now?

I've had many conversations with people about the difference between a Wayward Spouse coming clean of their own accord and the ones who got caught.

Just something to consider as you sort things out. You don't have to have all the answers right now - heck, you don't have to have any. just take care of yourself and the kids, and take everything in baby steps. We're here for you. It hurts like hell but you're not alone.

(((Bikingguy)))

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Please see an atty right away to find out what your rights are in your state in case she is hoping you get mad and move out or flip out so she can call the police on you.

My Wayward Husband and the Other Woman were having sex for 3 months before the set me up to be her friend.

Also, I told my H he HAD to go to Marriage Counseling or we were done. He didn't go-- we are done. If he couldn't give me 1x a week for 1 hour to help ME and US fix this, then I didn't need him.

Really, think about it, how screwed up do you have to be that you would sleep with your husband's friend, then just politely tell your husband as casually as you would tell him that a library book is overdue.

Yep, I think they are up to something. PLEASE see an atty.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:32 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

She sais (of course after having sex one last time last month) that they realized it needed to end. They agreed not to have any contact and she offered to give me full access to email,text and such. Still not sure why she decided to tell me. She was able to hide it for 10-12 years! But she did say he told his wife. I do want to talk to his wife as she is in the same position and maybe it will help move forward.

Even though she sais it's over should I have her right one last communication as proof?

Sadly, I feel uniquely qualified to respond to this thread. My WH confessed his LTA of 7 years to me this summer. I was completely blindsided. Unlike you, I had to go through a few days of fence-sitting where WH was "deciding" between the OW and myself. Also, he didn't begin by telling me the full extent of the A -- I had to dig until I realized that it was of 7 years duration. In a way, this was good, because I don't know how I would have reacted if he'd started with this -- too much to handle. In any case, by day 2 or 3, he'd committed to me and our marriage.

As healingtree says, your WW has been living with this a long time. However, she probably hasn't thought a lot about what would happen after she owned up -- for her, that was doubtless the big hurdle. She doesn't realize that's just the start of a very, very long road.

You say you're upset because she's going on as if nothing had happened. You need to tell her that. She's had a lot of practice blocking out things (one thing you'll hear a lot about on the I Can Relate (ICR) section that focuses LTAs is "compartmentalization". In order to be able to live with their As, WSs (wayward spouses) tend to be very good at putting things into boxes -- A doesn't relate to B, no matter how much logic or common sense says they do. It's very, very hard for us normal folk to get this, but it is a genuine phenomenon. Typically it's something people develop in childhood to block out stuff they can't deal with.)

This may sound like mumbo-jumbo right now, but unfortunately it's part of trying to understand what and how this could have happened.

Like your wife, my WH just wanted to move on. He confessed his "mistake", committed to me and the family -- done, right? Uh, no. First, he had to "get" that the damage to me is permanent and long-lasting. Second, he had to get that it was now his job to help me heal. Third, he had to get that you don't just have an A (especially one as long-lasting as this) and "move on". Uh-uh, no way. This means MAJOR changes, bro. This means you have to own your shit and figure out how you can be so majorly fucked up as to do something as horrible and deceitful as this. What kind of messed-up fool is he? This is a sign of deep, deep fuck-up-edness.

The other component is that she owes you, man. During that time she was with the OM (other man), she was neglecting you. Sure, maybe she wasn't nasty or unpleasant (my WH was unfailingly kind), but she was diverting sexual and emotional energy that SHOULD have gone to her husband and kids toward this other person. This will inevitably affect the quality of the relationship she and you have. She will deny this, I bet, but it's true. My WH got increasingly entitled over the years and, I think, hardened his heart to me a bit and got used to not really thinking about my needs. He certainly didn't put much energy into sex, and rationalized it that I just wasn't that interested. Well, of course I wasn't that interested, given that I was doing the work around the house etc, (and resentful about it) and he wasn't exactly displaying much interest, either.

There are a lot of resources on this site and a number of books that your wife really, really needs to read. The "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" one is good. The various threads for WSs on here are excellent. (There's one about a drowning boat that is really good.)

But your wife needs to go for IC (individual counseling) to figure out how she could do such a fucked-up thing. And the two of you need to go to MC (marriage counseling) so that she can begin to understand the impact on you of all of this. I think my WH had been so used to sealing off responsibility for my feelings that it really helped to have another person validate my perspective. One of the best things a MC said to us (3 days post-DD! I work fast...) was that 99% of cheaters want to "move on" and 99% of betrayed spouses don't. You can't just "move on" and have a good post-A relationship.

I've written all of this assuming that you're interested in reconciling (Ring). The usual advice on here is that you shouldn't make any quick decisions, because your feelings are going to go up and down -- wildly up and down -- and you don't want to do anything irrevocable in that time. But one of the hardest things about R is the question of whether you can live with this. Well, the first question is whether your WW will do the work it takes to R. Will she be able to help you heal? Will she take responsiblity for the pain she's caused you or will she downplay or avoid it? That's her side of it. But given that she's willing to do the work (and that's a BIG given), can YOU live with this? That's where I am right now and I totally relate to your point about her getting off scott-free. My WH (I should say FWH -- f meaning former, because I am 99.9% sure this is over), is getting a better job (he switched jobs to be away from the OW), higher pay, and a skinnier (thanks, infidelity diet), sexier (thanks, hysterical bonding HB) wife. Our relationship will hopefully be better than before. Not too bad, from his perspective?

Well, except that he has been depressed, had suicidal thoughts, has had to leave a job he loves, and feels like a shitty person. He's had to endure hours and hours of therapy, and the knowledge that he's deeply deeply wounded me. He's had to put up with hours of my crying, knowing that it's all his fault. He's had to look at our kids and think about how close he came to wounding them.

But there's still the question of whether you can live with this. But only you can answer that. And right now, there's no way you can tell. But it's good for you to know that it's ultimately your decision, and your right to do anything you damn well please that saves your sanity. Because your WW has just blown your sanity to smithereens. Once my WH committed to R, he started to push for assurances that I'd stay. He wanted to get me a new wedding ring, do a vow renewal, etc. He now knows that he's going to have to wait a while until I feel safe enough to commit again. Initially, he scoffed at the 2-5 year timeline for healing cited on this site. But now he understands that this is realistic. I hope your WW is able to undergo similar growth.

I hope all of this helps. Those early days were truly horrible. Please do keep posting. I am so sorry you're here.

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:31 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

Wow I underestimated the A. Married 16 years, it started about 14 years ago. I had to leave work as that is where I was when I determined the approximate start date and was not doing any good. Boss was great said take all the time you need and my work has an EAP program. I am at home with her, she works out of the house on Mondays and Wednesdays. She insists that she told me as she wants our marriage to work and could not live the lie anymore. However I do realize what I think it the real truth. I was contacting OM (other man?)to see as we are both thinking about doing a triathlon together. Since they decided to break off communication she thought it would be odd that he ignored my responses.

We do have MC tomorrow. She still thinks if we continue to be open we can get through it, but I don't think we have the tools to deal and will not move forward without it.

Why now?

Why after over 10 years?

Yes, you should talk to his BW. Even if it's just to make sure that the A is really over.

And I know it hurts, but you should get a DNA test done on your kids. You already know that she's lied to you about being faithful, so why should you believe her when she says they're yours.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 12:13 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

Binkingguy -- your WW is still in the early stages of not really getting how profound this is for you -- do not let her think that you guys can move forward without MC and IC for her. (My WH resisted it at first, too.) There's some stuff on the site re "conditions for R" and a post in JFO about "Before you reconcile..." read those. Ideally, have HER read those, too.

And be kind to yourself. Don't try to do anything or decided anything. Hell, make HER be kind to you. Don't let her push you into any commitments. I'd say it is a good sign that she confessed, even if it was based on a fear of your contact with the OM.

GL. ((((Bikingguy))))

you seriously need to talk to this OM's wife. you can't trust ANYTHING your wife says at this point. this is 10 years we're talkin' here.

for all you know, he hasn't told his wife yet and is blowing smoke up your ass.

[This message edited by simplePete at 1:40 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

I just heard back from the OM wife. She is willing to talk. Thanks for the suggestions about insuring that there be NC. Have to be honest when I read some of the other posts and that it had been years since their D day my initial reaction was "I don't want to be here that long". But it sertainly appears I will. Plus it is incouraging to know many of you have gone through this and are willing to help others like me. Thank you.

PS. I just realized that when I spell my last name on the phone I say his name. You know when you get to a certain letter like p's, d's, g's you say "as in...." Will need a new clarifying word. I can think of a few but the other person may not understand why I am cursing on the phone😄