SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have come to a great place. We all know how you feel and what you are going through right now. Just take one day at a time, do not make any rash decisions, and take care of yourself and your children.

LTA's are really hard. It is not only the affair, but the emotional part of your marriage that was given to someone else for so long. Even if they didn't love the AP, they still shared your marriage with them. My WH also says he never loved OW, only gave her an engagement ring to shut her up, and continued the affair even after DDay#1 for another year.

You will go through many emotions over the next few months. Sadness, anger, resentment, denial, etc.. It is an emotional roller-coaster with many ups and downs. You will love her, hate her, want her, not want her, the list goes on and on.

You will also have to determine if she is regretful or remorseful. Regretful usually comes with getting caught and telling you they want to reconcile. Remorseful is shown through actions, not words. You can't trust her words or that she is being truthful to you now. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Only actions will tell you if she is truely remorseful. Even then it could be a lie. She has lied to you almost your whole marriage. Consistancy is the key. No rug sweeping, transparency, trying to find out what is broken in her to make her do this, concern for your feeling and triggers, helping you to heal. These are all actions that she needs to do in order to even begin to try and reconcile. If she can't do all this, then it is not true Reconcilation.

I wish you much luck. Keep posting and know we are all here to help. Take what you want and leave the rest. We are all thinking and praying for you and your children. (((HUG)))

Trust line

I like your tag line. When my kids say "that's not fair". I reply, you're right who ever said life was fair!

Thanks

14yrs of deception and sex with another man means your wife is capable of saying and doing anything. She has no grounds to stand on to expect you to trust her now. Make sure you tell her this. (and she better not have the nerve to get upset when you tell her this)

She had a systematic, planned, and deliberate affair behind your back for sex( does it really matter if she said there was no "love") Because her actions said she loved having sex with the OM.

Remember the affair she had has been justified and rationalized years ago in her mind. Thats why its easy for her to basically say:

"hey, I had a 14yr affair, its over now so lets work this out and stay married. and I'm sorry, please get over it."

what are her consequences for her actions? Did both of you get a STD test? Get a DNA test for the children regardless to show her the level of mistrust she has caused. Separate and protect your finances. concentrate on your children. Don't let her use sex to soften you up especially if there is no STD test taken.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 10:14 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

"Because her actions said she loved having sex with the OM"

Thats not true in the fing least bit......trust me...there are plenty of fWWs here that will debunk the shit out of that lil nugget of wisdom

On thing that bother me is she says it was never love - says those words were never said and his wife said the same - if we can believe them. Not trying to demise it but I do know that over the 14-15 years there were years with no contact. SO the million dollar question is what the hell let to it each time.

Quite possibly convenience. All of the preliminaries were out of the way with the first time, so it was much easier to rationalize as not changing anything. There are also a lot of decisions and actions that go into starting an affair that are not required to continue one. You don't just get bored, frustrated, horny, or whatever, one day and go out and have an affair. You ahve to make the decision to have an affair. You have to find a potential AP. You have to "negotiate" the actual act of having an affair, making sure that you are both interested. You have to trust that they are not going to turn into a bunny boiler and that they will keep the secret. These things are already taken care of with an existing AP. A few moments alone, a few words about the past, a quick "wanna do it again", and it can start up again.

Imagine if every time you had sex with your spouse involved as much effort to get started as the first time did. You might only have one child right now.

Yup, I'll back up aesir on this one. Convenience was a big factor for WH, I think. It was no huge romance. They also had fairly long periods of not meeting up. I even found some docs on the computer, indicating that he was helping her at various points to find jobs that would have taken her away from him -- one in Ohio, one in Baltimore. They didn't really communicate when they didn't see each other -- no gazillion texts in their case, no illicit phone calls. She really was his bit on the side.

"Because her actions said she loved having sex with the OM"

Thats not true in the fing least bit......trust me...there are plenty of fWWs here that will debunk the shit out of that lil nugget of wisdom

Actions Speak Louder Then Words....Period. they debunk it to minimize there actins. You believe it to minimize your triggers. Read his other post of the new messages he discovered on the computer.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 5:31 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

OMG 14yrs of cheating out of 16yrs marriage. Actually did you had a marriage for past 14yrs? She was having a parrallel marriage with her OM and you call him your friend. He was the biggest enemy you can ever have and treat him like that.

You know why she confessed, its not because they wanted to end it but because they were caught. She is remorseless and really a devil to do it for this long to a man like you.

But I dont get your response, If it was me I shouldnt have spent another second with her.

Why you need a MC when you didnt have a marriage?

The worst man on this planet docent deserve a marriage like this.

If you can forgive her for treating you like this for this long then........

Any way do the paternity test your(?) children have a right to know who is their biological father.

Her coldness and heartless behaviour shows what a piece of work she is.

I was talking about the general statement as a blanket statement....but in this case it may very well be valid.

She insists that she told me as she wants our marriage to work and could not live the lie anymore. However I do realize what I think it the real truth. I was contacting OM (other man?)to see as we are both thinking about doing a triathlon together. Since they decided to break off communication she thought it would be odd that he ignored my responses.

You appear to have developed listening skills that (you say) you didn't have before. And a vastly improved communication and environment. And the adrenalin of shock will be making you feel more alive than you may have felt for some time.

But I fear you are still shutting a large part of you down. And that is why IC would be very beneficial for you now. Absolutely not MC, in my opinion.

It's too early to work anything out except as a holding situation, as you now have to reassess and assimilate the impact of the last 14 years of your life.

Currently you appear to be more able to 'see' her side than consider your own feelings, motivations etc. Now is the time, the opportunity, to really 'get in touch with yourself' and for that a good IC is fairly essential, certainly in this case.

Consider the 180 as a tool for getting to know yourself; this does not necessarily mean turning your back on your WS, but rather focusing on a deeper relationship with yourself. It seems your WW is trying to save her skin, not necessarily her marriage, and it is all about her being in control - still. About time she started educating herself about both the implications and the root causes of infidelity, which are all to be found in her and her history. That's her job, not yours.

You don't seem to be feeling very much. Numbness can be a useful part of shock - BUT now feelings need to be let in. An IC can help with that.

I found out my wife, I now call her the woman I thought I knew, had a 14 year LTA. Had I not stumbled on a mountain of evidence, I'm quite sure I'd have never known. I will seek to know my rights but I am in the R camp at the moment. They always say don't stay in it for the kids but at this point, that is why. You will come to understand the issues your WW has, don't belong to you but only through MC, will you know your role and only through IC, will she understand what pushed her to make such awful choices. You will go through every emotion from intense need to love and hold her, to hating her and she did to you and your marriage, to self loathing and feeling like you are less of a person than what you are. All relationships have their issues to work through. What is disgusting is that one or the other chooses to seek remedy by becoming physically and emotionally attached to another. My WW maintained her A through our marriage, 4 children, even moving to another city. The thoughts of what, when and how are overwhelming and will take years to work through. Take a deep breath. It will get better. Eat, sleep and take care if YOU! I'm one month since my devastating DDay. I did not want to go on living. I've cried every single day and pray for sleep. There are good and bad days but you think about it 24/7. Time is the ultimate healer. Take care....best if luck.