SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know how to write this without it being so long. I'm hurt and have a million emotions that I want to get out and I've been married nine years so my story is long.

The short version is that I'm a nice guy. I grew up in a family that hated each other and a father who didn't even try to hide that he was sleeping around and I resolved myself as a kid to be better.

I met my wife in college, married her very quickly and set about to be the best man any woman could hope for. I share my feelings, I ask about hers and I don't stray from a conversation about the state of our relationship.

Over nine years I learned a lot about my wife that she willingly omitted during the dating process for fear of losing me (She got around A LOT and with people I knew) The hurt from that wasn't the number but the lying. Then she wasn't sure of her sexuality but instead of talking about it, I kept finding gay porn on my computer. It took five years for her to finally tell me and I didn't care.

I guess the guilt of keeping that stuff a secret caused her to lose confidence in herself, plus she gained a considerable amount of weight, but even then I was still telling her she was gorgeous and begging her to believe me when I said I didn't care about all that other stuff.

So nine years later, here we are. I'm a stay at home dad because that's what she wanted. I assume all the duties of a house-husband even though it feels very crappy. And I honestly believe our marriage is the envy of her friends.

Last month we went out on a date where she told me that she was happier and more confident than ever and the best was ahead of us. I agreed.

Two weeks later she's giving me the cold shoulder and distant. I'm begging to be let in on what's wrong and I get nothing. Then she gets super possessive of her phone and I get suspicious. With all of our issues, we have never been mean to one another. We don't even yell during arguments.

So I checked her email and learned that she had a secret account. I check that and I find a ton of emails from that week between her and some guy. I go to Facebook and figure out that it's a dude she dated in high school.

Here's where the story gets long, so I have to shorten somehow. It will seem weird, but...

In just three weeks, she went from innocently sending him a Christmas Hello on Facebook to (as of this past Friday) sending him naked pictures, pics of her underwear that day, long descriptive emails about her sexual fantasies with him and details of how she most recently masturbated to thoughts of him.

She's allowed him to throw me under a bus because he's hearing all of the low self esteem and rather than acknowledging her past and all we've done to work through it, she's make it sound like I don't care about her. He tells her that my investigating into her past and trying to help her resolve things is really just an underhanded way to make her feel bad about herself and that my staying at home with my daughter (her decision, not mine) is just me being lazy and wanting to live off her. She fails to acknowledge the two years she couldn't find a job and I worked a 40 hour a week day job and a 30 hour a week night job to make ends meet.

Then she's now having a role play with him where she calls him Master and he gives her assignments for her "coaching and enrichment." Part of it is getting rid of me and my controlling ways. So hence the cold shoulder. Then she was to strengthen their relationship by wearing lingerie around me, getting me worked up and punishing me by not having sex with me. Instead she was to wait til after I went to bed disappointed and masturbate to thoughts of him and then send him detailed emails about it.

The final straw was her saying that she no longer loved me, she puts his face on my body when we have sex, wanted to be with him no matter what it took and was planning to come down to see him for birthday in a few months. I was under the impression it was a "girls weekend away." And finally, she decided to leave me and our two year old daughter to be with him.

I woke her up and confronted her. No tears, no sadness, she looked ready to curse me out and said that I was manipulative, conniving and all of this stuff I'd already read him say about me. I brought up several examples to the contrary that made her eventually take it all back, but still insist that Fate/The Stars/WHATEVER wanted the two of them to be together and that she loved him and not me. I asked about our daughter and she acknowledged it was a horrible thing to do, but she still didn't care and wanted to be with him. All of this in just three weeks, I reminded her. And she said, sometimes it happens that fast.

I left, she called later that night crying hysterically and begging me to come back. She told me she made a huge mistake, I was her world, blah blah blah. And I forced her to tell me what happened after I left.

She called him, told him the news and he made a complete 180. Told her she read too much into their online fantasy and that he never would've let her ruin her marriage and that he wasn't leaving his girlfriend of two years and that she needed fight to get me back.

She told me she knew it was a mistake after I left, but I checked her phone later that night and found that she sent him a text saying she really wanted him and not me, but if she couldn't have him she'd try to get me back.

So now she wants counseling. At first she was adamant that they could still be "Just friends" and I told her absolutely not. I told her I had no intention to work it out because this is insane and stupid that it could happen this fast with someone you haven't seen in 10 years.

Now I get a bunch of convincing tears and apologies and her saying she's willing to do whatever it takes, but yet they're still friends on Facebook. She's done nothing to cut him off and I checked her internet history and yesterday she googled, "I cheated, want husband back but want to still be friends with lover."

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I do love her. We've had pleasant conversations since then, and I don't hate her. But I will never trust her. I've been through too much with her. I've supported her at times when I really should've just left and at the first sign of someone else and her "finally" loving herself, she runs to someone else and is willing to give up our daughter for a guy she barely knows.

We've had sex twice since then, all the while I'm telling her that it's not love. I'm horny, I'm angry and you look good and I feel like I've been waiting 10 years for you to have this confidence, but I don't want you and we shouldn't do this at all.

It's like the good guy is dead inside of me. She used me and played me, so why not do the same?

When she's not home, I'm crying and hurt and can barely function. When she's here, sometimes I'm honest and telling her how hurt I am, other times I'm playing the "I will survive" anthem in my head.

I have no money really, no close family and nowhere to go. I can't even get another apartment because I don't have a job. I'm just lost, confused and I feel broken. I'm sorry this is so long, but it's my fifth time trying to write it. Just too much emotion and pain.

Hi, welcome to SI, and please remember, nice guys do not always finish last. Hell, my husband was the proverbial nice guy, and he cheated.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner?

There is a great book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, your wife MUST read it, it will give her a better understand of her boundaries and how she CANNOT remain friends with this guy.

I'm sorry she is making you feel like you are second best, remember NOTHING you did cause her to cheat...nothing. As a rule, once an affair begins, many waywards re-write marital history, I think it gives them some type of justification for their selfish and despicable actions.

Get yourself into counseling asap....a good counselor who will not try to minimize her actions or your feelings.

There is something inside of her that made her feel entitled to "feeling good." What is she doing to convince you that she will never, ever go down this path again.

Infidelity causes trauma, you are feeling like your heart has been ripped right out of your chest....it will get better with time, lots of it, consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to move through this hell.

Also understand there is NEVER any justification for an affair, ever, not her self-esteem or her weight gain or anything she may have been feeling. There were other options.

My concern is that she didn't give a hoot about leaving her daughter...not good, I'd suggest you meet with an attorney, not to file but to protect yourself and your daughter financially just in case.

Stay with us, there are some great threads for newbies, scroll down a page or two in this forum, each has a bullseye icon on the left hand side.

I'm so sorry, my heart breaks for all newbies here.

Hey man,

You have a unbelievable and tragic story.

But it is like so many others, where a WS does some crack cocaine and then becomes unrecognizable.

As Annb suggested above, hang with us.

My initial impressions:

1. Why in God's name are YOU considering moving out? If anyone is to move out it should be her. Offer her the chance to stay if she maintain firm No Contact with the OM; otherwise she moves out. Tell her she can go be with the OM. or whoever.

2. She will be seriously confused for a while, even if she is to come out of it and be remorseful and reconcile.

3. Others will chime in I am sure, but besides no contact, she should be fully transparent and honest: all access to emails, phone, computer, whatever.

Don't obsess over her "feeling" right now. You need to create a controlled climate without OM involved where you can both get counseling, etc. and build upon the honesty and transparency. After some time those feelings can then go away. And then you can work on rebuilding M and she can work on herself.

My overall advice: it will get better no matter what happens. Create and enforce your boundaries.

AND DO NOT MOVE OUT. SHE CAN.

You should never be plan "B".

She want's you back but doesn't want to give up the OM. WRONG.

It's NC or else.

As for no money or place to go, if you D, then she would have to pay you alimony and since you've been raising your daughter then you'll probably get custody and child support.

Your WW has lots more to loose than you do.

I am reading your post and getting so angry for you. Your WW is a broken selfish and fucked up person. Period. Did you allow her to treat you this way? Nice guys sometimes do. But you bear no responsibility for her actions. Personally I would kick her ass to the curb no matter how much you love her. Sometimes love is not reciprocated and that's that. Your story kills me. I feel for you. You deserve much better. Remember that users will use those who are easy to use. Consult a lawyer to see what your legal options are. I'd say its time to not be a nice guy. Sorry for your pain.

I am reading your post and getting so angry for you. Your WW is a broken selfish and fucked up person. Period. Did you allow her to treat you this way? Nice guys sometimes do. But you bear no responsibility for her actions. Personally I would kick her ass to the curb no matter how much you love her. Sometimes love is not reciprocated and that's that. Your story kills me. I feel for you. You deserve much better. Remember that users will use those who are easy to use. Consult a lawyer to see what your legal options are. I'd say its time to not be a nice guy. Sorry for your pain.

Yep, time to stop being a nice guy. Write down your requirements for R and enforce them. Keep snooping she'll try to contact him again.

Don't stop being a nice guy, just be clear on boundaries.

The overriding question should be " who sexually abused your wife when she was a child?"

Lying, hiding, promiscuity, uncertain sexual orientation, cheating, low self esteem, sexually abusing a partner (you), abandoning her child....your wife has been sexually abused.

She is not recovering.

You and your child are at risk.

Before you can even begin to save the marriage, she needs serious IC.

I'm truly sorry you are here, and as a fellow nice guy who joined the same club not too long ago, welcome to the club nobody ever wanted to join.

It sounds like you mean a lot to your WW. You keep a house, provide stability, and give her all of your love. Unfortunately, she wants to screw someone else. She is going to cake eat until you put your foot down. Sexual abuse and/or abandonment from her caregivers likely play a roll in this. Unless she tackles these very serious problems, you can expect a recurring theme: lie, betrayal, good behavior til you let your guard down, then more lies and betrayal. Find out how best to monitor her. Leave no stones unturned, and never reveal how you know what you know, or anything more specific than you have to.

I am so sorry for you, but married or separated, you will get through this. I wish you all the strength you need to overcome.

Thank You, everyone. I'm trying to keep it together. Yesterday I was happy for most of the day. Today I'm just bitter and angry.

I still check her emails (it's become a habit) and her friends think I'm wrong for telling my friends about it and asking them for support. "Childish and insensitive," they say. She also feels slighted because I keep referring to the future as "If I stay" and have alternating mood swings.

It seems like it's getting harder as the days go on.

If she knows you're looking at her emails you need another way to snoop - like a VAR.

ETA: if you're insensitive because you're talking about the A how insensitive is the one who had the A? Boohoo I say.

[This message edited by nuance at 10:33 PM, January 25th (Friday)]

Screw what her friends thing. You have to do what you need to do to get through the day.

If you need to tell your friends so you have a support system do that! Don't leave the house. All the advice that is told to BW needs to be told to BH. Go to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Check your state to see if you qualify for aid and try your best for your daughter.

Eat

Drink

Breathe.

Rest

I am six months out and feel like crap. You will have good days and bad days. I am so sorry you are going threw this. And I am sorry your WW if so selfish.

Hey Brother! I understand your pain. I obviously have no advice because I am going through the same pain. It is difficult to sort through all of the pain and emotions of blatant decent from someone who wants their cake and wants to eat it too! Hang in there. I have, and I am hoping that the rainbow gets a little clearer. God bless!

I feel for you brah.

My FWW tried to remain "friends" with the other OM until I became an azzhole and told her, you will do A, B, and C, or you can pack your sh#t and get out.

Time for hardball amigo.

I know it seems this way. I felt this way a lot and I'm a woman.

But I know this: nice guys/girls don't get anywhere playing nice when being cheated on. You really have to protect yourself and kids if you have them

The good guy inside you isn't dead. He's just been critically injured. Now the tough guy inside you needs to take control for a while and ruthlessly protect the good guy until the good guy can heal.

I"m serious about this. You need to find a little anger. You need to get a little pissed off.

Congratulations. You are your wife's backup plan. Her hopes and dreams of abandoning her children and husband didn't work out so she has come crawling back. Personally, I would throw her out of the house and make her live elsewhere for a while. And slap her with a divorce. She needs to learn that such behaviour is completely fucking unacceptable, and that is NOT going to happen if you let her back into your world without consequences. She needs not to come crawling back because she has no-where else to go, but because she recognises the tragedy she has caused, and understands the consequences of her action and is prepared to do anything to help you and your children heal.

I have to be honest, this...

The final straw was her saying that she no longer loved me, she puts his face on my body when we have sex

would be a deal breaker for me. Done. Dusted. However, if you want to reconcile with this person then that's your decision to make. Only you can decide if you can see something in her worth going through all the agony of reconciliation for. Only you can decide if you will one day, if she does all the right things, be able to trust her again. If not, then walk away. You AND your children deserve better. Children fare better in single parent families than homes trashed by infidelity, and they certainly don't need role models like her. I wonder how she thinks they would react if they were told mommy wanted to abandon them.

Right now you need to take control of your life. You've given her too much emotional power over you and look what she has done with it. So, if you want to try reconciling, you need to set some very clear ground rules.

1. You are dating. You expect her to win you back. and she's going to have a fucking fight on her hands

2. She registers on SI and posts daily. It is the best de-fogging exercise I have ever seen. the former waywards on here are the best mind bleach she will ever get. They stand for no bullshit.

3. She goes into immediate and consistent IC with someone who understands infidelity

4. Transparency. All usernames. All passwords. Phone accounts, email accounts, linkedin, foursquare and any other means of communicating with other humans. No. More. Secrets.

5. accountability. You know where she is at all times. If that plan needs to change, she tells you. You are going to doubt everything she says, so when you are afraid she will needs to prove where she is and who she is with.

6. She writes a timeline out. In as much detail as YOU want. Before she starts forgetting things. If you want to know something, she tells you.

7. No more lies. None. Nothing. If she will lie about small things, she will definitely lie about big things.

8. she commits to a period of reading every day. "How to help my spouse heal from my affair" is number one. "Not just friends" is number two.

9. She has an immediate and comprehensive STD Screen.

IF she refuses to commit to any of the following, give her divorce papers. It "might" wake her up. If she stops doing any of the above, give her divorce papers.

Remember, and remember well. You have EVERY reason to leave, and NO reason to stay. She needs to work continually at giving you reasons. You have been the victim of profound emotional abuse. She has endangered you and your children's lives by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted diseases. The woman you fell in love with is gone. The woman that is left is an emotionally abusive, selfish adulterer. Its time for you to wake up and see this, and time for her to wake up and do something about it.

That's what SHE has to do.

what YOU have to do is the following

1. Take care of yourself and your children. She WON'T. She's already tried to abandon them. Keep them out of this as much as you can but remember she brought this into your world not you

2. Eat, drink water, get some exercise, get some sleep. The next few weeks and months are going to be awful, whatever you do. You've had your trust, your self confidence and your self esteem shattered by the one person who swore to honour them. We're here to support you whatever happens in your marriage.

3. Don't rush into a decision if your wife is trying. If she is having a go at working, then give her some time, but don't allow her to wallow in misery. Take it from personal experience, you don't want to try and console your wife whilst she cries over another man. My soul is still scarred from that.

4. Is she DOESN'T try, then she is making your decision for you. divorce her and move on with your life.

5. find a good IC yourself. If you are only a few weeks in you haven't scratched the surface of how much damage she has caused you yet.

6. DO NOT TRUST HER. Image you are watching a movie when you watch your wife. Now turn the sound off. watch her actions, not her words. Her actions tell you who she really is.

7. Don't get trapped into her world of crazy. Keep your head clear. Remember YOU were the one hurt, the one wronged. At times she will probably do everything she can to make you feel like YOU are the bad guy. You're not.

8. If the other person is married, you need to tell them immediately. They deserve to know the truth, and you will then have TWO people watching to make sure your partners do not get back together. Do this today.

and finally, remember this. None of this is your fault. None of it is the children's fault. None of it is the fault of the marriage. People do not have affairs because of what was missing in a marriage. They have affairs because of what is missing in THEM.

LH

Oh, and the nice guy in me is still there. He can still be gentle, caring and loving. But every time he feels too sorry for himself, or starts wanting to trust too much, the tough guy slaps him in the face. That's what infidelity does. It takes away the blind trust and replaces it with wide open eyes. It's still possible to be happy.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 12:49 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]

Please tell the OM's BSO. She deserves to know she's been cheated on. Don't tell your WW before you call the BSO,otherwise she will warn the OM and they will make you into some crazy jealous husband.

Call her,so you know you spoke to the right person. Email and facebook messages can and will be intercepted.

Any mother who can walk away from her child for ANYONE has serious issues.

You need to make yourself an action plan. The longer you spin your tires the more you will sink back into this mess.

This is a good post to read even though you're past discovery, it's got a lot of great steps condensed down:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

IMO your next step involves two things - a visit to a lawyer to discuss your legal options and her obligations should you divorce, and looking into finding work in order to make sure you can take care of yourself and your child.

Do not move out of your home before consulting a lawyer.

I also recommend telling the OM's girlfriend.

If you are going to R this is a good post to read:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Further, she needs to block him on every form of media and send him a NC letter.

Finally.. brother, you need to detach. You describe codependency, not being a nice guy. I grok the wanting to be better than where you came from, but you've hung too much of yourself on how you treat others. Treating others well is ideal but you need to treat yourself well also. I say that like it's easy to do, I know it isn't.

LH gave you a lot of good advice but just to hammer it in: DO NOT TRUST HER.

That takes a long time to earn back.

Also, you should prepare all the evidence you can for when you tell the OBS. Many things from web pages like facebook and email can be cut and paste into word documents, including the dates info. Text messages may require you to take a picture of the phone. Have all of this ready to offer her as proof, as she is not likely to believe this. You will also want this evidence package for yourself.

The apology you have received from your wife is panic, not remorse.

See a lawyer, know your rights. It doesn't look good.

NGFinishLast,

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I do love her. We've had pleasant conversations since then, and I don't hate her. But I will never trust her. I've been through too much with her.

You don't trust her and will never trust her? Would you still qualify "loving" her feeling like this? The basis of love IS trust. There is a saying I have heard,

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you - and hoping they don't."

Re-read what YOU wrote a few times and think about what YOU wrote. Think about what matters most in life. I will offer you this though: Don't pin your happiness in life on a person or thing - pin it on a goal you have in YOUR life. Such as raising a child to be a well-adjusted and emotionally-healthy adult by having her grow up watching you achieve yours. That is more important than trying to get along with or figure out someone whom would be better off being a guest on The Jerry Springer Show.

Ok, your a nice guy. So am I. So are many other men. You say it with an implication that there is a stigma of weakness associated with that.

No, there is not.

There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a fucking doormat.

Always be a nice guy - don't ever stop. Be nice to people. Be nice to women. Be nice to your children. Even be nice to your dysfunctional wayward wife.

But don't EVER let anyone walk all over you like she apparently has and is doing! You can be nice and still command respect. You can be nice and still demand boundaries.

You can be nice as fucking pie and NOT have to take this shit that you are taking now.

NICE DOES NOT MEAN WEAK.