SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

22yrs married. Great relationship. She basically didn't tell me she was not getting her needs fulfilled with me not making a good income (self employed). So after having a job she hated she stored resentment and blew up into an affair. Of course this explanation is me putting the pieces together and trying to make some sense out of it.

After Dday, the A, the NC, the after math, she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to come back to being my wife. I've tried, I've kept the torch, fought, shutting down the business and getting a full time job and still, nothing.

I miss who my wife used to be. It is as if a spirit has taken her over and she is someone else now. The things she did, the things she said, the lies and now not happy being my wife. Once upon a time she was honored to be my wife, to carry my last name and to build this marriage together.

:(

Of course you miss her. You miss the woman that you married, the woman who bore your children, who you shared your life with. The years that your kids drove you crazy, the happiness when one of you did well. All of those memories with someone that you depended on, lived with, loved with, and who had your back. How could you not miss her? Especially when someone who looks like her, sounds like her, hell, smells like her is still there.

But not.

You keep looking at this visual memory and the feelings and history replay in your mind. And then she shatters that wonderful soundtrack. And suddenly, there's someone else looking out through those familiar eyes who gives you nothing but pain, indifference, hurt. Her mouth spews forth words that you never thought you would ever hear from her. It is like she's possessed, and the person that you knew, is dead.

I am so sorry.

Skan - Other than physical pain, I know no other pain so deep and horrible.

I've been married well over 20 years myself. The ties are deeply rooted. I am slowly learning that there is a difference between who my wife was and my perception of who she was. My d-day was just a little over 2 years ago, and my perception has become more aligned with who she was.

I loved her like no other. She was the apple of my eye in every way. I didn't think I could ever see her in any other light. But, I have to own my failings and the persona I created in place of her. That high regard is starting to dwindle. I do not wish her any ill will, but I just don't think of her like I used to. I will always love her, but its just different now.

I think it is one of those things that just takes time with various different stages, including denial for me. Its a shock to the system that is hard to accept after so many years. Its like learning to live with a sunrise in the west.

No matter what happens, I hope you find peace with it.

Same here. I hate what she has done and morphed into, I hate her post D-Day actions and total lack of respect, I hate that all the hard work and years of sacrifice for a great future are gone, I hate my family is now broken, and how I became so disposable after 22 years too...

I miss my wife too, not the near monster that replaced her. Sad face indeed, and such a crappy time in our lives... Sure, it was not perfect, but there was always hope, and now that is completely shattered too, and we feel so broken and hopeless...

Sorry to be such a downer. I've been so sad lately germane to your topic, I can't even cry if that makes sense? Side hugs 2M2Q

2m2q, I'm sorry you are feeling this. I know that feeling all too well where I see flashes of the man I loved for so long, the one who I thought loved me unconditionally.

You are right, seems like some strange entity took over his body and actions. Last time I talked to him he said he doesn't like talking to me because he feels guilty and sad. Dah....

I'm trying to turn my mental recording to say he doesn't care about you anymore and look to the future with an open mind and heart without him. Really sucks

Peace.

I'm mourning my dead husband too friend. It's painful to see this imposter walking around in his skin.

I'm accepting the great guy I loved, married and created a family with only existed in my head. I loved who he could have been, what it could have been. Not what it was.

She didn't cheat because of anything you did. I had the worst husband on the planet these last 5 years and I was still faithful.

((2M2Q)) you're in limbo hell - it almost broke me. Don't stay in limbo too long OK? It's damaging and devastating.

Don't lose yourself - your future is out there waiting for you to grab it.

She didn't cheat because of anything you did. I had the worst husband on the planet these last 5 years and I was still faithful.

Firstly. The above is so true. She chose to have an A and it was because she felt entitled to and not because of your job status.

Instead of bending over backwards for her ( in getting a new job etc ) to -in some way -make her love you again why not try self love?

You deserve better than this and as soon as you realise this you will know you could take on 3 jobs but she'd still be the same broken woman.

She should be bending over backwards to win you back actually.

She should be bending over backwards to win you back actually.

I wish to God this would be the case. I wish. I wish..I wish.

But instead I'm a zombie sometimes walking around dazed.

Sometimes you just gotta let go. As was said it wasnt your job or income. It wasnt anything you did that made her cheat. She made that decision all on her own. Its only natural to mourn a loss. And thats exactly what your doing. So cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell. Feel every ounce of pain that this entails. You will come out a better person. As for your WW, her journey is just beginning. And I can tell you its not going to be a good one. She will have to find out on her own that the grass is not greener. When a person cheats and has no remorse they throw ayway their integrity, dignity and morals. They become vile people who may in the short term appear to have it all. But after awhile their true colors bleed through. And good people do not want them around. She will be stuck in a hell of her own creation. With no one to comiserate with except like minded folks. Its a sad tale that happens all too often.

Sounds like you've given her every chance to be honest. I think you can hold your head up high. Perhaps it's time to begin letting go?

Your job, your income, your actions...none of these excuse her actions. They were her choices...not yours. She is who she chooses to be. This is one guilt that has take me a while to overcome....but it is truth.

I also agree about missing who my wife once was. She was my best friend, and who she is now at times makes me question if any of it was real...if I was blind...or she changed. I think its a question many of us ask....and one which I still have not found the answer to.

Hang tough...you are only responsible for what you do...for your character and actions. Do what you know is right. Then deal with the rest. You cannot force someone else to be who you want them to be.

[This message edited by Newstart43 at 2:12 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

I also miss my husband. I tried to "find" him for over a year before I finally realized he was dead and never coming back.

The man I married and have loved for 21 years, share 3 kids with, a home/friends/family/a whole lifetime - he is gone.

It was really hard coming to that realization. REALLY hard. And even today, I still miss my husband. I really do. But I know deep in my heart that man won't be coming back to me.

Time to start letting go, for your own well being. It's not easy, there are ups and downs, but in the end letting go is the safest bet for your heart.

I think ultimately it comes down to fear. Why don't we just walk away from our spouses? Call it a day right after DDAY? Fear.

Fear of being lone. Fear of finances alone. Fear of hurting our children. Fear of rejection..etc.etc.

I wonder.

Is it possible that you miss who you thought your wife was? The person you believed her to be?

Sometimes I think that who my WW really is is the person who cheated on me. And the rest was a sort of act. Her acting out who she either wanted to be or her acting out who she thought I wanted her to be.

Is it possible that the true nature of our WS is revealed with their affair?

If this is true. Then what you are missing is a fiction. The person you wanted to be. The person you hoped she was.

I dont want to paint all WS with a wide brush. Most and maybe all WS are good people that had a defect.

With my WW I am wondering if her lie was in being the kind and faithful person I thought she was. And the truth is that she is a vindictive and mean spirited narcissist. So I am wondering this in my own relationship with my WW.

Razor - we all have a side to us that set free, there's no telling what can happen. In her defense, you have to balance how many years she was who she was, and how long the A was.

I can say for my WW, she misses being who she was. She says she feels like it's not her anymore. She's living in a shell that's empty and her former self is gong. Sad. :(

I can say for my WW, she misses being who she was. She says she feels like it's not her anymore. She's living in a shell that's empty and her former self is gong. Sad. :(

Ironic that is how most of us BSs feel.

monster said something similar. I see it a little differently. He liked his mask. His mask was comfortable. He felt good in his mask.

When I 'saw' him for who he really was his mask crumbled and felt completely and utterly lost.

Instead of rebuilding a new, healthy him he went about patching that old mask back together - desperate to save his false self image.

I've begun literally envisioning a cracked to pieces, sticky-taped together mask on his face when I see him now. I see him - I cannot unsee him.

I do still think there is a decent human being deep down inside there somewhere dying a thousand deaths over what he has done/is doing. But its locked away so tight it will never see the light of day.

That's what's sad for me. Their brokenness could be transformed into an authentic life. If only they had the courage. I know my girls would benefit.

I miss my wife too....its like seeing two personalities fighting for control of one body sometimes....

There are times when I see her clearly...she is humble...contrite...remorseful....

Then there are times when the thing has control....it it vicious...spiteful...totally detached....

There were times when I'm pretty sure she was ready to come home....then something would happen and she would withdraw again....

Let's just say that I haven't coped well with this hell...and I have done and said things along the way that I wish I could take back...

She is out of the fog...but she is still heavily invested;; in the rewrite of our marriage....and I just recently finally quit drinking...which was always; an issue for her...

I have to break out of limbo myself....which is hard to do without totally turning my back on her....

I'm trying to avoid a D....but unless she comes around with more than the occasional empty words...I may have no other choice....I simply cannot go on like this.

Paladin - wow...it's like we live parallel lives. My wife is going back and forth with the same shit.

what Razor and Palladin said.

I think my WW has always been who she is, what the A revealed.

I had blinders on the whole time. They were my own. I was in denial about my M. I knew 19 years ago that something was wrong.

But I was afraid, not so experienced in relationships, and not mature enough to know how to constructively engage and get help. My WW was a prize too. A beautiful, sexy woman, with her career as a physician just starting. I clung to the prize, never wanting to look beneath the veneer. I was afraid of what I'd see, afraid of being divorced so early, afraid of losing my 'prize'.

She left me in 1999 and we were separated for 8 months before getting back together. I never really knew why. I looked at the S then through the lens of my problems and not being an attractive man. That of course is only apart of the overall story which I am now starting to understand. My WW probably was in an EA then. I knew nothing about boundaries, needs for external validation, and fears of intimacy.

How in the f#*k do I find redemption?

Can I have the strength to just love this damaged woman as she is? And not dwell on the mistakes of the past, many of them mine.