SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I went to the doctor today to get an anti-depressant script filled. I am 38 and have always had a low level depression and negative outlook on life. I tried Paxil in 2002 and it never did a thing for me, although I also regularly drank beer at that time.

Anyway, my WS is also a patient in that office and had previously seen my doctor, disclosing the affair and her suicide attempt. In speaking with the doctor today, she attempted to comfort me, telling me that I have to remember that none of this was my fault, that I was unable to affect it in anyway, and that any emotions short of violence were appropriate given the situation. At one point, she said that it is possible that my wife and I may not be able to get past this. She was just commenting on the possibilities. Hearing that made me feel very devastated however, in that I would like to think that R is possible and likely.

I recognize that the details of the affair and aftermath are significant enough to potentitally end this relationship. That said, I do not want that. I still love her despite of all this and I am very much emotionally dependant on her. It's scary, the idea of her being out in the world without me and vice versa.

How much logic should be applied to R? WS is tremendously remourseful and wants very much for the marriage to work. That said, we have always been highly incompatible- our arguments over the years have been constant. In order for us to make it, we would need to emerge from this as different people, with previously unaddressed issues rectified. BTW- it has been one month since DDay.

For my M, the A made it a giant conflict. Everything sucked because of all the energy that was drained for the A. In your case, since the your M was one giant A, were there ANY positives to glean from your relationship prior to her A?

I feel that there were many positives over the years. We were together for a decade before this happened and were essentially married without the ring- we lived together, shared finances, vacationed, everything.

It may be of value to consider that I never wanted to marry anyone, based on my dissalusionment with the social concept. In speaking with my WS, I've learned that she developed considerable resentment towards me as a result of this. I know that I cannot blame myself for causing this, but I do acknowledge that I have showed her tremendous disrespect over the years, and I fear that I may have not considered the impact of that in her thought process.

Can a person and a marriage change for the better out of something like this?

My WH and I are working hard on reconciliation and we are both becoming better people, better lovers, better communicators, etc. It has been horribly painful at times, but I am hopeful that in the end it will be worth all of this effort.

When my WH had a LTA for 3 years and pulled away from me, I worked harder in my business and also disengaged from him. In the book "Not Just Friends", Dr. Glass talks about opening windows and closing doors. I think as my husband closed the window on our marriage and opened it on his AP, I also detached from him. (He accepts total responsibility and is very remorseful).

This man standing before me is a different man than the one who had an A for 3 years. He is actively addressing his issues in IC and MC. He is engaged with me, present in all that we do and very loving. I want to give him a chance so that I can have not just a good marriage, but a GREAT one.

I told my WH that I would not make a decision for 6 months and I am at 4 months now. Staying is becoming easier as time passes and I see the changes my WH has been making.

mpd,

Everything I have seen in the posts that you write points to the fact that you need to work on your own healing and do your own work. Even in this post you admit that you are emotionally dependent on her. This is not a good thing and will not bring about a healthy relationship. In several of your post I have seen you call her mentally ill. I find this very distasteful. Find out why you feel the need to do this.

She has said you have disrespected her, or that she felt that way. If you feel this is the truth, find out why you felt the need to handle the relationship this way.

Bottom line, work on you. Nothing will get better until the two of you fix yourselves. A marriage cannot have a successful R with two broken people.

You will need to work on you and she will need to work on her. Then work on the marriage. Can you have a better relationship than you had pre A ? Yes. I have seen it happen many times here. It takes work from both people to do it.

It seems both of you need to work on communicating with each other. You can discuss things without arguing like you did pre A . It depends on how you say things and the tone you use when doing so.

Thanks everyone. In response to why I have referred to WS as mentally ill, it is based on the significance of the A (she befriended the wife of the AP and became deeply devoted to her and her two kids, while having sex with the husband), as well as a formal diagnosis of Bipolar II made by two separate psychiatrists. I did not mean that statement in poor taste or in any way to be hurtful. I am trying to understand how she was able to do this. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks again.

A person who has Bipolar disorder has many difficult issues to face. Hopefully, you can assist your WS in getting medicated so the symptoms can be addressed and the healing can begin.

Stay strong! There is are groups out there run by the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill (NAMI) that could be helpful in providing information on dealing with individuals with Bipolar. Staying on medication and avoiding self medication with alcohol is a big one.

This is definitely not about you!

mpb197,

You are the only one who can answer that question. Everyone here and listen and offer help. But we don't have to live with your decision, you do.

Trust me, I know how great the odds are stacked up against fWW and myself. Infidelity with a WS is more likely to end an M than a WH. Mine was a 15 year LTA, even more likely to end in D. I ready only 4% of M last when there was sex in your bed. Hell our MC said the couple with the longest A was 7 years, half of fWW.

But you know what, I don't care. We might not make it, but it won't be from not trying! Maybe it's the competitive part of me, but dammit I want to win this fight!

You do have to work on yourself and she has to work on herself; however, you have to work on building a marriage, which to me it doesn't sound like YOU every really had. Joint finance and vacations do not make a marriage.

YOU need to be a partner. It's more than just a piece of paper!!

It's ok that you fight with your spouse. Honestly, when you find your match, you often do fight because you clash more often. No one wants to be with someone who is just like they are, right? Where you are weak, your partner is strong and where she is weak, you are strong. Maybe there are things that you are both good at and then you get to pick who does what.

Put aside your pride for one minute (while you read the rest of my posting). Put aside the hurt of the A. Trust me when I tell you that I know exactly what it feels like (read my profile or PM me). Right now, I am not talking about infidelity or reconciliation. I am talking about your “disillusionment with the social concept.” I know this may seem harsh but ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Shacking up with someone is better than joining yourself legally and spiritually to? Promising to love someone above all others? Promising to put her 1st before everyone else (I understand she made these promises too and did not keep them but again, I am not taking about that right now).

You see, I ask you this because if you believe this about marriage than you would believe that R could work. Yes, there are other ways R can work. But if you believe that she is your match than you would know there was no other option than to make it work. If she is willing to put in the effort necessary and so are you then you can be successful. It will not be easy but nothing worthwhile really ever is.

[This message edited by Tesa at 3:14 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Bikingguy- best wishes on your R.

Tesa- thanks for the input. Regarding your statement on my feelings about the social concept of marriage, I feel strongly that two people do not need a legal marriage to be otherwise committed, loving and faithful to one another. I was just as committed to the relationship before marriage as I have been during it. I recognize that our society frowns on couples that remain unmarried. However, I don't see anying unadmirable with those that choose to commit without formal acknowledgement from the government.

Using terms like 'shacking up' to describe this is dismisive, and referencing spirituality is not appropriate, as plenty of agnostics can have loving relationships as well. You can promise to love and honor another without formal recognition from a courthouse.

All that said, I appreciate the amount of work that will be necessary on both ends, although I'm sure that I am also underestimating it. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

[This message edited by mpb1974 at 6:10 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

Sorry - lots of questions. I don't understand your sitch at all.

I am very much emotionally dependant on her. It's scary, the idea of her being out in the world without me and vice versa.

Being emotionally dependant - does that mean you feel you can't live without her? That sounds a little scary to me.

Why does her being without you scare you? Isn't that her problem?

How come you got M if you oppose the institution? How come you got M if you're 'incompatible? How come you want to stay together, despite your incompatibility?

Whether or not reconciliation is possible depends on two things, only one of which you can control.

The first thing recovery depends on is your wife's willingness to get as healthy as she can. Is she really willing to do whatever it takes to over come the BP diagnosis? Take her meds? Do therapy? Change her behaviors?

The second thing reconciliation depends on is what your boundaries are. Are you willing to live with a mentally ill person that actively choses NOT to get the proper help she needs? What are the behaviors associated with Bipolar II that you are not willing to deal with?

As someone else suggested, learn everything you can about BP II. Get yourself to a NAMI support group. Figure out what you can and cannot live with.

While my husband is not mentally ill, he is a recovering addict. One month out, I was not sure that we were going to make it. One month was not enough time for me to judge whether or not his new behaviors would stick. It took me 18 months before I decided maybe we would be able to reconcile. And, as it turns out, we are one of the fortunate few.

While my H worked on himself, I worked on myself and made my boundaries. I do not have to tolerate whatever bad behavior my husband decides to dish out.

Now, if you say to yourself, "But IRN, I'm going to stay with her no matter what the consequences are," then I would politely suggest you start seeing an IC that specializes in partners of BP II folks. I'm no stranger to dysfunction. One of my parents is mentally ill and actively chose not to seek help. I married an addict. Now that I am emotionally healthy myself, there's no WAY I would ever put myself in a dysfunctional relationship ON PURPOSE. I just won't do it. I can't deal with that kind of stress and chaos anymore. And, honestly, I deserve more than that.

Emotionally/mentally healthy people do NOT choose to stay in dysfunctional situations.

"Being emotionally dependant - does that mean you feel you can't live without her? That sounds a little scary to me."

Yes I agree. Hence my statement "It's scary". I've been with her for over 13 years. I cannot imagine my life without her.

The idea of her being without me is scary because I cannot conceive of not being a part her life. Asking whether or not that is her problem seems like a useless comment to me. The point is I care about her deeply despite the A.

I got married because I ultimately understood how important it was to her and I wanted to fulfill that desire for her. I always wanted to be with her, I just saw no need to formally marry. I did not understand just how important marriage was to her, and she resented me for years for not proposing sooner.

I think a hard truth for me is that I cannot tolerate change and it would have been appropriate to recognize compatibility issues early on in the relationship. So much time has been invested however that I value our experiences together above any compatibility problems. This is a reason for staying together. Thanks for the feedback.

[This message edited by mpb1974 at 10:16 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

How much logic should be applied to R?

This is very difficult for me bc I am usually a very logical person. And my response to this has not been very logical. WH was not very good to me BEFORE this happened. This was pretty much the icing on the cake. Yet here I am. Deep down, I always believed in him and still do.

Not very logical. And it gives me fits.

heforgotme-

I feel the same way about this, which is part of why I posted the topic. You never imagine that you would have to make a decision on your future in this regard. You can hear stories of other people's lives and assume that you know what you would be willing to accept. Then it happens to you and you find yourself grasping at anything in order to make sense of the situation and convince yourself that your life has not been a lie and that the marriage is salvagable. People usually like to think that they are incapable of making bad bets. I did not marry two years ago with divorce in mind. I waited over ten years in order to be sure of things. In talking with my WS, that very waiting may have contributed to her decision to have an affair.

[This message edited by mpb1974 at 9:39 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

I have referred to WS as mentally ill, it is based on the significance of the A (she befriended the wife of the AP and became deeply devoted to her and her two kids, while having sex with the husband)

FWIW... My W did the same thing, except the OBS was her best friend of many years already. My W was growing closer to her friend during A, and was taking care of their kids, and had some weird delusions of polygamy, like we could all live happily together as one big family... even though the OBS and myself were oblivious to what she and the OM were doing in secret.

This doesn't make her mentally ill... delusioned... fucked up... many terms to describe her thought process at that time, but not mentally ill.

Sorry you're going through this, but trust me when I say it's nothing you or I can ever hope to comprehend.

Hi MPB :)

First, I hear what you are saying about being unable to imagine your life without her.

I don't think you mean you are "emotionally dependant" just that after all these years it's kinda hard to amputate a leg, right...?

Anyways.

Can a person and a marriage change for the better out of something like this?

This ^^^ my answer is yes. Completely. It has taken us about 5 years, but we have reconciled, we are happy and both of us are much healthier than before.

But this made me go hmmm...

You never imagine that you would have to make a decision on your future in this regard.

You are new into this shit storm....right now I would not make a decision to R. I would make a decision to get healthy. I would talk to your wife and see that she also has the same interest. The two of you both need to heal, and together as stronger, emotionally healthier people you are able to rebuild a better marriage.

I think initially you have to lose the illusion of "being in R" right now you are in shock and have suffered a trauma....walk slowly and take everything in. Turn over every rock. If you don't, the one rock you didn't turn over will hit you in the head as you are rushing to the finish line.

It's a long journey, but if it weren't for my husband's A we wouldn't have taken it....

Good luck !!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:17 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

karmahappens- thank you for your input. It gives me a sense of peace and hope to know that R is possible, even if I am no where near being able to initiate that process. It has only been a little over 4 weeks since I discovered all of this. As you said, I am still very much in pain and shock. Congratulations on your R success.

Man, Here are some of the things that make me go, 'Huh?'.

I cannot imagine my life without her.

Why do you write this? You don't have to imagine it. You lived it, until 13 years ago.

The idea of her being without me is scary because I cannot conceive of not being a part her life.

Please read that carefully. What you write is not at all about her – it’s about you. It’s important that you know you are 2 separate people.

Asking whether or not that is her problem seems like a useless comment to me.

Her being without you is entirely about her. If she’s without you, you’re out of the picture, yet you still think you’re there. I made the comment because I think your view of you, your W, and your relationship is 'off' and could benefit from confrontation.

I think a hard truth for me is that I cannot tolerate change....

That’s just absurd. For one thing, once you never knew your W existed. Now you do. Once you opposed M. Now you're married.

I just don't understand how you see yourself, but your view seems skewed pretty unusally and ineffectively.

Are you in IC? Have you read about the 180? Does any of it resonate positively with you?