SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DH and I discuss this from time to time (he is also a BSO in a former relationship before we met) for the sake of discussion.

We both believe one isn't worse than the other, however he wishes in his case she just had an EA. It would have saved him the humiliating STD screens and the nail biting year of waiting for his HIV tests to come back negative. He's healthy but that experience left him scarred for life.

Mazola, EAs and PAs happen for the same reasons. The WS has poor boundaries and is able to justify and deny the harm they are doing. (This is for WS that do have the capability for empathy, but they shut it down.)

As soon as my WH's EA started, he drove a wedge between us. He could not be honest with himself about what he was doing--he had to protect himself and maintain his image as a good guy. So, he pushed me away with criticism, anger, withdrawal, anything so that he could separate and not have to feel any empathy with me. He became Pinocchio on crack, lying constantly to me, OW, and himself.

He compartmentalized so that he could see his life as two parallel universes. He convinced himself that what he did in one did not affect the other.

The PA was just a continuation of this mindset. Now, it seems like such an obvious line. Especially the sex. How could you not think of the wife you love before you stick your penis in another woman? But to WH, whatever he did was shielded from his conscience. From saying ILY to getting naked--nothing was going to activate his WTF meter. He had already turned off his awareness of me and his morals. No act, emotional or physical, was allowed to fully register.

I had a few online EA's before I ever had a PA. But it seems to me the PA is more betrayal than an online EA. So how can the feelings on both parts be the same.

So the EA's had some logistical problems with progressing to the point of genital proximity?

If genital proximity is the defining issue, then how do rape victims fit into the picture?

I'm a BH, and I have dealt with all 3 of the above named isssues.

The rape did not change a thing about how I felt about my STBXWW, some other issues to deal with when it happened, and a bad reaction to a prescription, but I always felt the same way about her, and it never came between us. It is completely irrelevant to the discussion.

The EA, it went on for a while, and was kinda one sided. Don't get me wrong, he was inappropriate, but the logistical barrier to genital proximity was his level of interest. It went on for quite a while before I found out, and I spent most of the time wondering what was wrong, what could I do to fix it, I even asked at one point why in my own living room I felt like a guest that had overstayed their welcome. I damn near killed myself (and probably shortened my life regardless) just trying to fix things, or at least figure out what was wrong so I could fix them. Then there was all that mopy pining crap when it ended, and the idiot friends of hers that thought it was so sad it did not work out... I created a huge barrier between us, long before I even knew about it. My guess is that barrier is also what enabled her later PA.

For the PA that came a few years later, my reaction was simple:

WTF?!! Really?!! Again? I'm out!

So tell me, which was worse?

BS here.

IMO there both bad.

In an EA you gave your heart and love, that you'd pledged to your BS, to another.

I a PA you allowed an AP to have what should have been your BS's alone. Not to mention the chance that you could have contracted an STD and passed it on.

Hey I get it. I know both are terrible and I am very sorry for both. I guess I didn't realize the strong feelings. But I do understand. BH and I are in MC and I am starting IC. I was not trying to say PA is bad and EA is not, I do understand that. And my BH and i have discussed this.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm a BS - my WH gave her his love. I wish he'd just stuck his dick in her and used her like the trash she is. I'm very lucky that he didn't do both. But the EA is completely devastating. Most PA's have that love component too so that's not better. A ONS seems easier to forgive, but I haven't walked in those shoes and I've felt the pain from BS's posting about ons's and it feels just as bad.. Really - when it comes down to it - we've been fucked over by the one person we trusted most in the world...and fucked over is fucked over - cant be just a little betrayed. You're betrayed or you're not.

NoraLee,

Please note this part of the Wayward forum description.

We ask that anyone participating be respectful and non-judgmental. Being disrespectful to the forum description will result in your losing access to this forum without warning.

Thanks,

AN

Please can we step away from the "women tend to feel EA's are worse and men tend to feel that PA's are worse" approach. It is just such a personal event, let each person describe their own response.

I am a BW and the revelation of the physical affair made me feel literally sick. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to get last. For 18 months my husband had sex with another woman. It is a visceral, awful pain.

All BS's are, as Nora, said dealing with betrayal.

First time venturing into the WS forum... I'm a BS.

For me, both EA and PA are equally bad. What was worse was the betrayal and the lies. I think I could have handled the situation a whole lot better if my WH had just come to and and said "I want out. I fell in love with someone else and I don't want to lie to you about it."

Truth and honesty. That would have been better, no matter how much it hurts.

There are so many threads trying to quantify or compare which "type of pain" is worse, or which type of A is worse.

First of all, the pain of betrayal is felt by the betrayed so I guess if you really want to make it up to the BS, one of the first steps would be to process the pain you have caused her, not try to determine for the both of you, how bad your actions were, or were not.

When it comes to even trying to discuss "how bad" an EA is, well in my book, some are worse than others. My H told the OW "ILY" and I know they discussed plans ot run off together, but he never had sex with her. For me that is the "worst" but it would be worse still, if he had sex with her too.

We started out as Just Friends (there was no initial attraction for me) and discussed things we shouldn't have (marriages).

That was already an EA.

I disagree with this view, and I especially disagree with it if something like this is going to be used to say that "An EA is just as bad as a PA" I have told my sisters and some female friends, and possibly even some males in the past, things about my M that I wish I didn't, but I don't think that meant I was having an EA with any of them.

I think it is wrong and a bad idea to discuss your marriage or problems in M with somebody of the opposite sex whom you COULD have some potential to someday be attracted to, but being wrong about something is not equivalent to identifying something an affair. Just my opinion.

Second of all, speaking of only my own thoughts and experience as a BS, I believe the absolute worst As are the ones that are EA and PA, and in reality, most As are that including at least the third one that you described.

And, two As (of any kind) are worse than one. And three are worse than 2.

So, given you have had three A's and at least one of them was the absolute worst kind possible (remember all from my view; I'm not trying to suggest anything about how any other BS might feel) I believe it highly unlikely I would give someone who did all that another chance. If you want to R with your BS then I think you should be feeling pretty fortunate if your BS even wants to consider it.

the absolute worst As are the ones that are EA and PA

Agree 100%! I wish to god I would have caught them in the act of kissing, instead of the act I did catch them in. I know for a fact that it would have been easier to deal with.

It wasn't the emotional or the PA that was bad, it was the time he spent doing whatever with these women, time he didn't spend on me. He complained about being busy at work all the time yet had time to have two affairs.

Mind boggling.

double post sorry

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:12 PM, March 4th (Monday)]