SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been sitting here reading so many similar painful situations and am heartbroken to see there are so many people going thru what I am. I always heard about these things happening to others but never ever expected it to be me. I think thats what hardest of all to accept. It seems so out of character for my husband to have done what he has done but obviously my judgement has been wrong. Its tome to take off thw rosey coloured glasses and deal the hand i have been dealt. How exactly om not too sure. This is so fresh - it has been 6 days since discovery.

So here's my story.....we started a new business which would take my husband out of town often. It was successful to start and he was passionate about it and I was supportive of him and what needed to be done.

Our business had its issues - our sex life deminished - he claimed it was stress so I gave him the space and didnt push him. Apart from the sex we worked as a team - enoyed eachothers company, did things together and were united in our family.

I had hints along the way about things being wrong. He was going places and doing things that didnt match up.

When our business was going down there were alligations that he was having affairs. I asked him to be honest and just tell me if there was. I said we would work thru things no matter what, but I just needed to know the truth. He swore there was nothing. That the allegations were just that - allegations - and without any proof of what they claim, whoch no one came forward with, then in his eyes it was just talk. I believed him but I sensed something else was going on - so I put him under survellience.

On Monday I got the call that he was in a brothel. He obviously needed the proof that I knew - So what did I do?? I drove out there, found his car in the hidden brothel car park, unlocked it....no I didnt drive it off, but I got inside rolled down the windows and waited for his arrival.

Well I can tell you he walked to the car with a smile - obviously had a good time- and when he saw me was in shock - almost like defeat hit him.

The prostitute didnt see me but called out to him to let him know when again and he mumbled something and when he saw me I said - did you answer the lady when or do you want me to go talk to her? I then asked him whats going on or does he want me to go inside and ask her. He said sex.

He got in the car and apologised for what he had done and has been doing. I told hom I want to know how long and couldnt believe the response - 5-6 years!

Not only that he has been going mainly to 30 minute massages that end in a hand job.

The worst is he has been seeing someone he connected with thru business ventures overseas when he travelled and having sex with her too. He claims it was 4-5 times. He says he gave her some business and she threw herself at him in geatitude so he took it. He flew her to his place of business in another city for a 2 day romp. He claims it wasnt an affair bur rather just sex. He felt nothing for her but for the sex.

He claimed the stress on our lives has been intense and its not about the sex rather about something in his head that triggers. It calms or numbs him from the issues for the half hour he is there. He cant explain it only that its mechanical. He claimed he didnt want our marriage to end. He would do anything to make it right. he kept apologising,

I said I wasnt sure what I felt - but I did know he has lost my trust and respect completely. The biggest is the fact that this subject has been on the table before and he lied to me then. He needed to be caught in the act for things to be talked about..

He says he will do anything. So I said I dont know what and if I want but at the moment this is what I need:-

. we go to get tested for stds coz he has now put me at risk with his screwing around

. we go to councelling immediately - something he has always been against.

. i wont tell the children (we have 4 teens) yet but want to see a psychologist first

. he will go for blood test tomorrow also to check for any chemical imbalance - he is overweight and is medicated with high cholestrol

. he stops acting crazy with me and the kids - he has been very hard to be around lately and kids have been calling it midlife crisis

. tomorrow he gets a hair cut - he has been looking like a hobo for ages and growing his hair like some madman.

That was all i could think of at the moment before I talked to a psychologist.

I know many will say get rid of him - he is a liar and a cheat. The problem is we have been together for 25 years and have 4 children. He is someone I have so much fun with - we enjoy eachothers company, we laugh together, go out places together, but whether this is salvigable I just dont know.

I have spoken on the phone to professionals and they say 30% of marriages survive infidelity. The question is do I want to or will I be able to live with the idea that he has lied to me big time here. Will seeing a psychologist help him.

I really think he wanted to be caught coz he said that now that I know he will be able to stop. Something isnt ticking right up there.

We went to see a psychologist and she basically said there is no magic wand to fix this. This is something that will take a long time because he has completely betrayed me. He needs to realise that and if he is seriously remorseful he will need to work at it for the rest of his life.

As for how i feel - i am so numb. I. cant believe he has done this.

We have watched our many friends break up but no one has had this scenario. I feel sick to my stomach.

So thats where Im at. I am in complete and utter shock at the whole thing and feel I am in a nightmare and just want to wake up from it.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Hi honey

I'm so sorry. I really am.

Remember you are not alone. There are thousands of us here to support you. WE will do what we can.

You said you have been reading. That's great. Like most of us I suppose you had very little knowledge fo the horrible world of infidelity before you came here. But with time we all learn about it and reading is an important thing to do at this time.

I am in Oz and it is only about 7.45pm here. Many memebers in the states are in bed but I know you will have lots of help in the morning.

Where to start???

I guess the best thing is to go with the things that I was advised to do when I first arrived.

1. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!!! Never ever!!! Stop wondering what you could have done better so he wouldn't have done what he did. There is nothing. NOTHING. He has problems which are nothing to do with you.

2. Don't let him make excuses. There are none. Whatever was wrong in his life was never going to get fixed by cheating.

3. Copy/paste the first post on this thread into word. Print it. Give it to him and make him read it in front of you. Insist. Read it or pack his bags!!!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

4. Eat, sleep (with meds if necessary), drink lots of water etc. I know you have probably read that but it is so important.

5. Don't have any sexual contact until you have both been tested.

Stay strong sweetie. You will survive. You have no idea how hard it will be. But you will.

HUGS

Laura

I admire your strength in hiring someone and in catching him in the act. It isn't an easy thing to do.

And, your psychologist is right. This is the type of thing that takes a lifetime to get over.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with trying to work things out. I'm trying to do that with my H. When I decided to R, I had no idea (absolutely none) how very hard it was going to be. My H did R very haphazardly, especially in the beginning, as he truly didn't 'get it.'

I know it'll be easy to think that a chemical imbalance of some kind is to blame for this. That's baloney. He's to blame - for all of it. And, he's got to fix it - all of it.

A few things you need to add to your list --

- Complete transparency. He doesn't go anywhere, with anybody, unless you go with him or know about it.

- Complete access to his emails, credit card bills, etc.

- A timeline of events. You are going to need to know everything - and I'm willing to bet that he only told you enough, just enough, to appease you at that moment.

On that last point, the odds are that he's still lying to you. I know it is hard to believe that there could be more - but I'll bet money there is. I exposed the first A to my H -- told him to tell me the truth NOW. A month later, I uncovered the second one and had to expose that one to him too. It severely damaged our R - in ways that I still don't completely understand. Our MC said a timeline and absolute truth was essential - and it wasn't until he did that that I could start to move on, even if it was just a little.

Also, get yourself to a lawyer. I know you want to R, but you should know whether your state is an at-fault state and what your rights are.

Many, many hugs - you will need them in the months to come.

You don't have to make a decision on any of this right now. And whatever decision you do make, you also can change. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Step one needs to be protecting your physical health. Please get yourself to your doctor and ask for EVERY STD test (blood, urine, and swab) and demand that he be tested as well, along with demanding that HIS test results are revealed directly to you with the doctor. It's going to suck to have to explain to the doctor but they've heard it before and it won't come as a shock to anyone in the medical profession. No unprotected sex with him, period, of any type. There are many here who've contracted STDs from their WS, and one that contracted HIV from their WS. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Oh, I am so sorry. (((Hugs))) This is devastating. My SAWH also used prostitutes. It is a vile, disgusting reality to come to terms with. Please check out www.sexhelp.com to see if your WH is possibly a sex addict. That he was doing this because of "stress" is a huge red flag for sex addiction.

Hope you are taking care of yourself. Eating, drinking water, resting and a little exercise. It is a mind blowing rollercoaster dealing with multiple acts of infidelity, with multiple partners. There are others on this site that have dealt with the same.

He swore there was nothing. That the allegations were just that - allegations - and without any proof of what they claim, which no one came forward with, then in his eyes it was just talk

Who was making these prior allegations and how did you hear about them?

I said we would work thru things no matter what, but I just needed to know the truth.

I would like to offer a friendly caution on this. Be very, very careful when saying that you'll work thru things no matter what. Right now, you really don't have any clue *what* you are dealing with. Something more along the lines of *I'm willing to work WITH YOU to attempt to repair this damage, but you'll have to do your part. And that starts with telling me the complete truth.* I say this because you are going to need a whole lot more than *just* the truth to work thru things. It is going to take a serious commitment from him in order to work this out....you aren't going to be able to do it all on your own.

I fear that you have only seen the tip of the iceburg, so be prepared for this situation to get worse before it gets better.

its not about the sex rather about something in his head that triggers. It calms or numbs him from the issues for the half hour he is there.

There is truth in this statement. But there's a whole lot more to this. He was engaged in a PA with someone that he actually knows. He has frequented prostitutes and massage parlors. And those are only the things that you know of right now. But keep in mind that he wasn't on *auto-pilot* or in some trance-like state. All of this cheating involved many, many steps in between the initial thought entering his mind to consummation, kwim? I think that your WH is a very good candidate for an evaluation for sexual addiction.

You don't have to make any moves right now, one way or the other. It's not a bad idea to allow yourself time to process what you have learned.

And....nice work on being pro-active and hiring a PI! Smart, smart move on your part. And it also took a lot of courage for you to confront him in the parking lot. You have a lot of strength within yourself. That will serve you well in the days to come.

{{{hugs}}}

Firstly I would like to thank you all for your seriously heartfelt comments. I actually dont know how people could possibly go thru something like this without support.

To my fellow Aussie "Laura28" thank you for your list. I went straight to that site you suggested - printed the pages off and gave them to him to read. After he did I asked him what did he get out of it and he said that it explained what I am going thru due to his actions and he is really sorry. The thing is that he has never been one to express his emotions. Without giving excuses - he came from an extremely dysfunctional family. He rarely says I love u or compliments me which is something the psychologist picked up in the first session.

He is keen to heal though. He has paid her something like 20 sessions upfront - his idea. He wants help to stop what hes doing. He keeps saying now that he can stop what he was doing because hes exposed. Its sounds like with me he can do it - on his own he couldnt.

I guess the hardest on my part is feeling that he did this because I wasnt enough for him. He says he doesnt believe thats why. That he loves me and doesnt want us over. That he caused this completely and that I am not at fault at all.

"Wheelsup" - thank u too for your honesty. U have mentioned complete transparency and That was what he said he gave me in the first few days.

I made him go thru every place and how he did it and what he asked for and the timings etc etc. intricate details of what they gave him, why he chose them, the differences between taking a hooker and a massage parlour with happy endings. I made him drive me to one and i walked right up with him and asked them how much - they refused to give info and he walked away completely humiliated. He kept asking why do i want to hear and do all this as he says it will hurt me more. My answer is because everything this far is a lie and now I need to hear the truth. As for hurt - nothing can hurt me more than what I am already feeling now and not to be concerned of my hurt coz he did t ever in the last 5-6 years.

He tells me everywhere he goes now. He takes me with him. He is helping more around the house And better with the kids.

As for the lawyer - I went to one prior to my exposing him. I went to check that my assets are safe, what sort of payout I would have to give him since we have been together over 20 years. I then went and changed my will. No matter what - right now I have to protect my children and not him. My theory is that if they want to look after him in life with what I give them then thats their choice but mine is to give them all that they deserve in life. And yes he could contest it - but that would mean fighting his children and then being completely alone for the rest of his days.

'EasyDoesIt' - that was the first thing I did when I exposed him. I went to a sexually transmitted disease clinic with him to be checked. He took 5 minutes - I took an hour. His guilt time waiting outside was incredible which. i felt so good about - any further pain I can cause him for his actions are good. Our results come in tomorrow and I pray all is ok. He says he always used condoms. I told him thats not always enough.

'Missymumma' - OMG! I dont know whats worse - if he had an affair or these bloody prostitutes!!! I made him count how many and he says about 30!!!! WTF??!!! When I think of it I want to puke!!

I did something crazy - I started looking for male escorts and erotic massages for me thinking if he can why shouldnt I. I looked at what they do how much etc etc. i doubt I could actually go thru with it. Did u also go thru these motions?

'Gonnabe2016' - with the fall of our business the former staff were angry and started to throw stories that he had girlfriends in each town he visited. He swears he did not have girl friends - everything was paid for. (Like it makes it better! Lol!) he believes it loss of their job and events that happened with closure is what caused them lashing out and that if anything the only thing if they stalked him was to see a prostitute cone to the hotel for him but he doesnt think so. Nobody came forward with anything - only said they would expose him - its over a year now.

As for the affair which i call it and he says yes he knows her but it was like a prostitute. He claims there were no feelings. It was just sex. He says that she started it. Get this! He was doing some business overseas and he met her - she was divorced and struggling so he gave her stock to sell on his behalf for her to make some money. They had gone out for dinner at his hotel and after she said can i just go to your room to the loo so he said yes. When she came out she was naked and said she wants to repay him for helping her. He was already using hookers then so it came easy. He said what he did with her was like prostitution. She did not stay it was pure sex. I said but u took her to another country - that was arranged - u planned a bonk in Europe with her. He said yes he did - it was planned from home - he paid for her ticket but she was going to go for her work to get stock and she stayed in his room 2 nights. He had no meals with her and didnt go anywhere with her. He was with our staff the whole time. She had a key to his room and came and went. He had sex with her once on the second night as he was jet lagged the first. What can I say....?!!

Anyway - everyday is another one. He claims he is fully exposed. We have another psych session today. Blood results tomorrow. A long path ahead which I dont know which way is going yet. I am a logical person but this has totally blown me away.

Thanks again for all that have read my story and given me their support. As sad as I am for all of you and myself it is so comforting to know I am not alone.

MBx

(((MimiBlue)))

2 years ago yesterday I found out my husband had been going to massage parlors. I was devastated. He was very remorseful and I think that was his rock bottom, admitting that to me. We began the road to rebuilding "us" and today I can tell you that our relationship is the strongest it has ever been. There has been extreme pain for me along this road but I am so glad I did not give up. We will be married 30 years this year and have love and passion that neither of us knew could be at this level.

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this.

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 5:56 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Your husband seems to have behaviors of a sex addiction. It isn't your fault. It has nothing to do with you. Something is wrong in his head.

Have you looked at the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts thread in the I Can Relate forum? You might find it helpful.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478056

My husband has done damage similar to that of yours. I can't explain how hard it is to be married to a possible sex addict. As with alcoholism and drug abuse, there is a real risk of relapse.

You are doing great protecting yourself. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I am sorry you find yourself here. As it has been said already, you do not have to make any decisions now. Give yourself time...it may take 1-2 years before you decide. There are times I still wonder if my FWH A was a dealbreaker or not. But yet, we still try to R.

I think sometimes people do want to get caught....or they get so careless because they havent' been caught. That is how I caught my FWH.

While you are working through this, keep your guard up some while he works to regain any ounce of trust he can regain. It may take a lot of trust for you to let him go to the store alone. Take trust in very small measures and know it takes a very long time.

R takes 3-5 years. I am on the 5 year plan, but it is getting there. Right now, take care of yourself. There is a lost of collective wisdom on SI. Post as you need it. We are here for you.

You are a strong and forgiving woman. I hope you make it through the lows with your head up.

I also hope he can get through his problems with the help he is seemingly getting and receptive to recieving. Best of luck to you in the coming months.

Mimi,

I have some information for you that may bring you some sense of peace. I am sorry for your pain, I can unfortunately understand what your going through.

There is a very unique twist to your situation though, one that should make you feel better about yourself.

your H is 100% a sex addict. How do I know, I use to be one, and am also married.

There are a couple of things you as a W should realize.

First, no matter how beautiful you are, no matter how supportive, loving, giving you are, it has little effect on what he does, or even how he feels about you.

A sex addict can truly 100% love his wife, not want to do things, and still be powerless to stop his actions. There is a typical "funnel" that happens in the mind of a sex addict, starting on the big end, there is wife, love, sex drive, and everything else, the things a sex addict thinks about. as the hormones and brain patterns increase, the funnel gets smaller, and at the end everything else is just moved out, only thinking about sex is left, no thought of consequences or remorse is there to stop them.

Lying, also a truly honest Sex addict, can be honest in all areas of his life, except that one, it is a secret that should be protected, if discovered, would mean the end of feeding the addiction, as well as other pains. it must be guarded at all costs.

also, sex addicts usually don't realize they are one.

It takes very serious efforts and years of trial, re training the brain, and support to actually get over it.

Like i said, i "use" to be a sex addict, and overcoming it was extremely difficult, years of work, but it never goes away completely.

Also, you may ask, why didnt he just want to have more sex with me? if you ask that, you dont understand what is going on in the mind of a sex addict. their whole fulfillment patterns are probably out of whack, you could have given him the best sex ever, and 3 hours later, a new experience may start the funnel again.

i am not a therapist, so i cant give you advice on what to do. but if i were to tell you something, it is a problem that can be overcome, but he has to be committed to it, accept it, and get professional help. he would have to be completely open to you, and be able to turn to you for help, and you cant judge him if he does. it is really the most difficult addiction in the world to break, even more than heroin, crack cocaine, etc. primarily because the drug is always in your body. during my recovery , at certain times i found chaste berry powder to be helpful, and really brought me over the hump to recovery.

so if i were you, if he does admit his problem, and actually wants to get help. i would just try to forget everything he has done, and support and help him through it, in this case there is truly something to blame, and you should not take any of it personally. if he doesn't want to admit it, then you have to make harder choices.

as for me, i have been faithful, and my wife is the one that ended up cheating on me, which devastated and destroyed me.

good luck, and wish you the best

Mimi,

I'm sorry you have to come to this site. My WH also used prostitutes. The count is now at 16, although I will never know for sure. When he first told me about it, the number was 50-100, then 30-40. It was only when he sat down and wrote out a timeline that he came up with the number I currently have, 16.

I would insist of a timeline, if I were you. He is going to resist, most likely, but I think it's an important step. Firstly, it will let you know what you're dealing with. Second, it is concrete proof in case you ever need it. It will also show you that he is willing to put in hard work to regain your trust. Lastly, it will make him sit down and really think about what he did. He will have to actually face it, rather than just gloss over it in his mind.

Counseling will be very important. My WH is not a SA, although many people suggested he was when I first joined the site. Whether or not your WH is, I don't know. It is probably best left to a professional to figure that out.

I'm so sorry. I am married to a sex addict and know how painful this is. I will tell you though that it took me catching him having an affair with a stripper for him to get the help he needed and I had been pushing for for 7 years. Getting caught may be the push he needs to come out of denial.

Someone else said the most important thing, do not ever blame yourself! Do not take on his shame - that is his to hold! I blamed myself for our marriage problems for 7 years. 2 years of therapy later I've concluded, though I wasn't perfect, I was a pretty damn good spouse and my husband doesn't deserve me. I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 months before finding out about his affair - (which I now understand is fairly common for spouses of sex addicts).

Take a look at the link in my signature. I wrote a great (long) article about the self-blame cycle. Learn all you can and never take the blame,(self or spousal imposed).

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing, don't think you could have done something to prevent it and try not to let this eat away at your self-worth.

I sent you a PM.

Hope you are OK.

Mimi,

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. Five years ago I could have literally written your story.

I'm so glad to hear that you are taking some very important steps to protect yourself and your children. I know you are confused and shattered. This is very normal. You can survive infidelity and you can thrive after it has impacted your life. Just keep taking care of you and I'd strongly suggest that you take over handling all of the money in the family. Give him an allowance. He has likely spent a small fortune on his activities.

Because of his use of prostitutes, I think it would also be very wise for him to be evaluated by a CSAT for sex addiction. You need to know for certain exactly what you are dealing with. This will help you in determining what course of action you will eventually take. Knowledge is power. Don't be afraid of it.

There is also a thread on sex addiction in the "I Can Relate" section. You might want to read some of the posts in there as well.

Again, I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. You don't deserve this and don't ever blame yourself for what he has done. He certainly has a problem and he needs to get hold of it. Hopefully he can. It is truly up to him.

Big hugs!!!

To add, sweetie, keep posting, please. This is crucial for you. You'll not find another place quite like this in terms of very wise and caring people who have literally walked in your shoes.

This, plus the support you will get here, will be very helpful to you in your own recovery from the devastation of what has happened.

I am sorry you find yourself here. I went through a similar situation. My XH was caught in an affair with a woman from another state...where he traveled to often. I want to caution you that your husband has been doing this for years without incidence. There is likely more to his story. This caught my attention:

with the fall of our business the former staff were angry and started to throw stories that he had girlfriends in each town he visited. He swears he did not have girl friends - everything was paid for. (Like it makes it better! Lol!) he believes it loss of their job and events that happened with closure is what caused them lashing out and that if anything the only thing if they stalked him was to see a prostitute cone to the hotel for him but he doesnt think so. Nobody came forward with anything - only said they would expose him - its over a year now.

This may have been said in anger, but people usually spit out the truth in anger. Maybe exaggerated, but definitely with the intent of hurting him. They most likely have not exposed because they do not want to hurt you. As it turned out, my XH was hooking up with strangers in bars, off Craigslist, etc all over the country. All his co-workers were aware and never said a word. Prostitutes and strangers far away typically are safer because they won't expose to the wife or they will never see them again.

He needs to work on himself before he can help you or the marriage. You need to focus on you and get the help you need so you can make choices that will benefit you, not harm you any further.

((hugs))