SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondering how other people have handled things like prom costs. My stbx says they're covered with child support. Sorry if this question has been asked already...

Unless you have agreed in a agreement that he will pay for 1/2 or any of the extracurricular, I believe in eyes of the court it would be considered under child support. ugh. Hate that because there are soooo many miscellaneous things that will pop up over a childs life time. That is one. if he is a douche and digging in the heals, then let him and try to enjoy all the fanfare and support the prom yourself. Douche will poison the specialness by resisting to participate financially. Don't let that happen.

CS is supposed to just cover basica necessities. If your D is not final, I would definitely put in your agreement that you have to split extra things like trips, sports, etc.

Also? Refusing to chip in for your kid's prom is a total dick move. If he does not help out he should not be allowed to hang around for photos and stuff.

Related Question: If a WS won't pay for 1/2 of extracurriculars like prom, sports, clubs, camps (and they're only refusing to pay because they are an asshole, not because they can't afford it), but the BS can't afford to make these things happen without that extra financial addition, what do you tell the child(ren)? Aside from "I can't afford it", do you tell them why they don't get to do things or go places? This is assuming they ask, or maybe even if they pointedly ask if the WS is helping to pay.

Assuming it is not in the agreement (cause gee I wouldn't have thought of it). And assuming you incur all of the cost - I'd be sure to take lots of pictures. Then, if he wants one - "Sure: that'll be $150.00"

NG- Based on what I have seen happen in years past, I think it's good to have a frank (if age appropriate) talk with kids about money. And do it before the WS has a chance to fill the kids heads with bullshit.

I can't tell you how many times I have seen people post about how their exes lie to kids and say things about how "mommy is taking all my money" or "mommy should be able to do that because I pay her child support"- when they know full well they are paying a pittance (if they are even bothering to pay).

If you're still in the *writing it up stage, ask for everything - up to and including Grad School. Proms, pictures, Orthodontist, camp... Grab one of those what it costs to raise a kid lists, and build from there.

For the class trip, book fair, all the other *unplanned* expenses - talk to the school. There is a PTA/Teacher's Sunshine/District Something Fund.

If the school knows a family is struggling, they can frequently find the cost of those things.

The parts that suck are

- you become a professional fundraiser for your kid

- You end up taking the other parent to court for the reimbursements.

I am the devil's advocate on this one. I do not agree that CS is to pay only for "basics" and if it was, it would be a lower percentage of the income than it is (in most cases).

When my H's DD lived with us, he paid for all her dresses and extra curricular stuff. If she was at her mother's on the weekend, her mother paid for minor stuff they did together, etc.

When his DDs lived with their mother, she paid for all their dresses and prom expenses, etc. from CS. If she would have asked for money for that I will fully admit I would have been livid on the behalf of my H and he would have been even angrier, though if he thought for a second this would mean she "could not go to the prom" he would have found a way to get her the dress.

It is usually not a matter of the kid not being able to go to the prom, but a matter of the parents fighting (unnecessarily) over money and having a power struggle over "who is right."

I paid for all such things for my kids and never would have dreamed for asking my XH for additional help for something like a prom dress, beyond the CS he already paid. I know he would have been angry and quite frankly, I do understand why in that case, especially if it is a dress beyond what either parent should be affording. (Proms these days are out of hand). I believe parents should teach their kids to scale back, or earn money for their own extras including a prom dress.

Second hand stores and other local stores sell very nice prom dresses at reasonable prices if one wants to set the mind to finding a more affordable option.

I know as a woman, my opinion is in the minority. I doubt many divorced men are reading this, whose wives got physical custody and receive CS, but if they are, I'd be willing to bet most would agree with my position.

As someone who paid CS for years, I agree it's a dick move to refuse to help out with big events.

But the reciprocal side is that if he contributes 50% to the prom fund, he should get 50% of the decision-making on questions of financing the prom (i.e., his voice carries just as much weight in whether to hire a limo, how much the budget is for the dress, etc.)

My ex is of the understanding that his CS should pay for everything in the world (including me providing pillows for the kids while they are at HIS house as well as sending stocking his house with toiletries for them [ie deo, etc]).

Therefore...he has not pitched in for help with homecoming attire, etc. I have zilch expectations for prom nor graduation hoopla either.

Guess it all depends on the parents and what you can agree too. You can always ask and if your ex says "nope"....you get to own it all.

Our decree does have him paying for half of sports so he does do that (kicking and screaming).

Lesson for anyone still working on their agreements - address all that stuff including school trips, etc. It all adds up!

CS is meant to cover all expenses, but if you're able to co-parent together, you can usually navigate any exceptional expenses.

At first my kids' dad paid a smaller amount of CS with the agreement to pay half of extra-curriculars, etc. But I didn't like that, because I felt like I had to constantly ask him for money, as well as justify what it was for.

Eventually, when we amended, I requested we go up to the appropriate percentage, and stated I would then cover all extra-curriculars. It felt so much better to not have to ask him for $$$.

Legally, I think that extraneous costs have to be written into the divorce decree. On a personal level, I probably let the ex get away with a lot of extras that I shouldn't have. On the other hand, I got to host birthday parties and proms and graduation parties like I wanted. The ex pays less than I do for rent, doesn't buy the kids anything but low-level trinkets, and in the past 4 years has contributed $600 toward Christmas. Which amounts to $150 above child support per year, which is laughable. The out-of-pocket expense for our daughter's ankle-foot orthotics has been variable from $300 to $600, which I have to pay every year. "Scaling back" is not an option, nor is it a power struggle. And I definitely would not be "livid" to "being forced" to buy my kid an outfit for prom. I'm very fortunate to have an extended family who like celebrations and believe in extras, but that's just us. I see my cousins every Friday and my parents every Sunday. The ex used to say that nobody in my family could run away from home; one of us would find them before the police would!

[This message edited by veritas at 10:48 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Whatever's written into *your court orders* is how it works for your situation.

If expenses, circumstances, or anything changes; there's the option to modify.

There are wonderful, generous families out there who help out; there are less cooperative circumstances where it doesn't happen.

If you never ask; you won't get anything at all.

The absolute worst that can happen is you hear "No"

Well we do not have a signed agreement yet. We did the whole mediation route and got stalled at issues like college expenses. He does pay the full amount of child support, but its not above and beyond what I'm allowed by law. We are at the point now that I really just want everything to be done, so I've suggested to him that we finish the final issues through our lawyers. He has suggested we both sit in front of the same lawyer to work things out. I'm not sure if this would be any different from mediation and I don't think it's in my best interest. Proms can be expensive. I consider it an extra ordinary expense. I would never stop him from coming over to see her before the prom, but its just irritating. He has said that his lawyer told him that if he's paying full support --again, not above and beyond the law, he shouldn't have to contribute to anything else including sports expenses etc.

Is that the norm?

He has said that his lawyer told him that if he's paying full support --again, not above and beyond the law, he shouldn't have to contribute to anything else including sports expenses etc.

Is that the norm?

I don't know if it's the norm, but it is what my STBX's lawyer seems to have told him. He says that he won't pay for anything extra, not even back-to-school clothes or anything. He knows damn well that the amount he was forced to pay me for "family support" isn't enough to pay the bills, he knows I don't have a job, but he still laughs at me & refuses to chip in. Our son has holes in his shoes & his toes are poking out? Too bad, Son, go tell your mother. Our kids get hungry when they're out with STBX on a long-outing? Too bad, Kids, it's your mother's job to feed you, wait until you get home to eat. Our daughter needs glasses? Our son needs braces? That's what the money he pays me each month is for. Right? Even though it doesn't cover the food bill so I can't feed my kids breakfast any longer, I should be able to magically have it multiply into thousands extra to cover glasses & braces.

His lawyer also has blamed me for not paying STBX's share of the mutual divorce expenses.

We split extracurriculars, though we haven't made it to prom yet!

As WAL said, however - if he contributes, he gets a say. You can't just hand him a bill for half of whatever you and the child decided was appropriate.

It's easier for things like sports - there are usually set fees. For something like Prom, or camp, or whatever - I think the two parents and the child need to decide on a budget together.

I know some of my friends went hog wild at prom, but I just bought a dress, my friends did my hair for me, and I drove my own car. There are so many variations between that and stretch hummer limo with designer dress and hotel suite, that the parents and child need to negotiate a total budget, what is included in that budget, and who pays for what.

An example: I wouldn't pay for a limo, I would think it was ridiculous. If for some reason their father thought they needed one, they and him could split the cost...because I wouldn't pay a dime towards it. Another example would be deciding that I would split the cost of a dress $200 or under...if the dress cost $250, then I'd still only give $100.

He has suggested we both sit in front of the same lawyer to work things out.

Let me guess, his lawyer is willing to do this for you.

Extracurriculars can be included, and usually ARE (they are in mine). Standard language is somewhere along the lines of "50/50, with prior approval from both parents" or some such.

Now that said, I don't invoice my ex for every new piano lesson book, and he doesn't get me for every pair of cleats. We have settled into things a bit, and we each usually cover incidentals ourselves, but split larger costs (tournament or fees).

This should be separate from medical costs, which should be a straight 50/50 split after insurance coverage. There is usually language in there about their being 30 days to pay from the date party A sent the reciept to party B, and I usually just scan in the reciept and send an email, so I have a time and date stamp.

In my state the CS is a calculated number based on how much the state says it takes to raise a child per year. That number is then proportioned out based on income. It's an average number so for some situations the amount is too low, some it's just right, and some its more than enough. I don't know your particular circumstances but if his lawyer is saying to only pay his legal obligation and that's all your STBX is going to do then you may have to bite the bullet here until you can get your agreement ironed out. Sorry.

Different perspective here but...

I understand that as a parent we want to give everything we can to our kids. I totally get that. When I was in high school if I wanted to go to prom I paid for it. All of it. My single mother couldn't afford to pay or even help pay for most everything I wanted. It taught me a lot about self reliance. I think it's great you want to help with prom, and if you can more power to you. I also think this is an oportunity for child to learn how to support themselves and work for the things they want to do. Prom is not cheap. If they want to be included in on the decisions then they need to learn to be a part of the financial solution as well. Maybe not all but at least some. It may take some of the pressure off you and reduce the potential for conflict (which will end up on the kids eventually) with the EX. Not to mention teaching them that they can be responsible for their own wants and dreams, even if its not making them pay for all of it.

I also agree with WAL. If he can help it would be nice of him to. If he does he should have some say in how it all gets organized and payed for.

Either way I hope you are able to work this out and your child is able to have a good (and safe) time.

It's in my divorce decree that we split the cost of "extras" and among the items listed it says prom. Also class trips, sports, music, insurance for driving.

During mediation my Ex initially balked, but later HIS lawyer told him it was "standard". So we were able to agree.

To make it slightly more palatable, I suggested a deductible where I am responsible for the first $250 of "extras" for each child. This is patterned on my state's policy of $250 deductible on medical expenses before the NCP has to start kicking in.

I know circumstances and state laws vary. In my state CS is regressive, so as the NCP makes more, the percentage of income that goes to CS goes DOWN. My Ex makes six figures so his CS payment is not hurting him.

That reminds me, this afternoon, I have to take my "baby" shopping for rental tux.

I just wanted to add that prom should NOT be a ridiculous expense. I'm a HS teacher, and not only did I do my own prom on the cheap, but I know HS students over the years who also did prom very inexpensively. Some kids have fun with it-- they buy dresswear from thrift shops that costs them very little. A lot of them carpool in a friend's car, and then they go to the school's free post-prom celebration afterwards.

I got my gown at a consignment shop for FAR less than you'd pay for one full price, and my sister helped me with my hair. I bought my date a boutonneire, and our parents took pictures. My friends and I all piled into our buddy's Suburban, and although we did have to pay the price of the ticket (which included dinner), we went back to our friend's house afterwards and just hung out, eating snacks, listening to music, and playing pool. It was still a great night even though I didn't go in a limo, go somewhere fancy for dinner, have my nails and hair done at a salon, and didn't go somewhere afterwards that would've involved paying more money (like a club or a hotel room).

When the time comes, my kids are going to have to save their money if they want the pricier things for prom. I'm happy to help with the ticket cost, the corsage or boutonneire, and the tux or gown (within reason). After that? I'm not sure why many kids think that we need to treat proms like weddings, and I'm certainly not spending money on over-the-top expenses that are, frankly, unnecessary.

BTW, tired-- I'm not saying that you're planning on going overboard. I'm just giving you some examples of prom done cheaply, especially if money is tight, and you know that your ex won't help out.

tryingagain74,

Funny you mention those things. My son's friend made a suit out of duct tape for prom. Not because he couldn't afford a tux mind you, he did it because he thought it was cool. And it was