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I would like to explain to my WS about the "timeline" is there a link or article that talks about how to write one?

I would like some info as well on timeline

I don't recall seeing a link or even a standard format anywhere. Depending on what happened, it could vary greatly.

It might look like an essay, with detailed explanations and dates and footnotes linking to emails. It might look like a grocery list with who, what and when, it might be just filling in a normal day planner for the year(s) of the affair with notes on the days whenever anything significant or memorable about the affair happened. In some cases it looks like a diary, only written after the fact.

The important thing is that it provides the information so you know what you are dealing with, and can place it in the context of other events in your life.

[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 5:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

In my sitch, he wrote the timeline more like a listing. He listed a general date (his transgressions spanned years, so I had to be satisfied with generalities), and some details. I asked that he not get too graphic as I didn't want the nitty gritty details. One thing I will say is to be prepared for the timeline to evolve. The major details should be consistent (i.e. number of affairs, approximate dates), but you should probably leave some room for things remembered. This doesn't mean that your spouse can list one affair spanning 2 months and then later add "oh and the 15 prostitutes", then later say "well, it was actually 3 affairs spanning 6 years and 27 prostitutes". Those big details should be in the timeline from the get-go. Smaller details like actual dates may take time to to remember.

Just like your WS undoubtedly rewrote the marital history to present him/herself as less of a bad guy, he/she will likely rewrite their affair history with the same goal.

Not "just" friends has a section on the timeline. Unfortunately I was so desperate to know it all that I wrote the timeline with him telling me details. This is not how it's supposed to be done but I was desperate to know everything ASAP.

Mine is several pages long and was an evolving thing. It started with the first sexting that I could document from his yahoo chat account. Very little space between those. They were simply the username and date. Then a few spaces in case I wanted to add some note later.

Once we hit an IRL AP I used a full sheet (and two sheets for the last MOW) for the ones that weren't ONS because I can add more notes as I found out more and then I could refer back to them when any new info came up and see if he was lying or trying to change his story. (He didn't but it was important to me to have this ability).

Separately from the timeline I have any emails/chats/etc that provide details of the A's themselves. For example I have recovered some emails between him and AP#1, AP#2, a woman he was trying to start something with but it didn't go farther then a few emails introducing them to each other, and emails from AP#8. I have facebook chat logs from AP#8. I have an email confirming AP#8 and his hotel reservations on OUR anniversary. Etc, etc. Oh, and any emails/text logs from correspondence that I have had with any of the AP's or potential AP's.

I also have several copies of all this information. I have copies on the computer but also paper copies hidden as well. I never want there to be a point where I don't have the evidence to prove all he did.

At some point I know it is unhealthy to keep this stuff but for now I don't look at it but I am NOT ready to destroy it.

If you have any other questions feel free to pm me and I will explain further. The biggest thing is for the timeline to be in a format that you can easily and fully understand what happened to you during your WS's A or A's. It is important that you get all the information that YOU want out of this time period and that is the goal of the timeline.

Thank you SO much. Initially I thought I wanted every minute detail. Now I'm not so sure. I read a few emails and it was more than I could handle at the time. I think I want to start at a high level of information and then decide what I need to drill down on. Right now I'm feeling so unbalanced that she knows my whole life and I know very little about her. I feel violated by her. Most of my questions are pointed to her. To me, it's providing a picture of who she is, and what she is/was to him. He's so remorseful and gets upset seeing me so upset.... It's a vicious cycle. I told him this morning that I was ready to set aside a time and just get it all out so we can move forward. He agreed. Initially he refused to talk at all about it, but after doing some reading and counseling he knows that's not ok and is now more than willing. I'm the one that's been holding back asking (even though I know I have questions that must be answered).

Thank you again for the great info.