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Susp, that person that texted you, that you hardly ever talk to? Possibly Ex and this person were together and since he hadn't gotten any responses from you he set the acquaintence up to see if you'd respond to them. Such games!

As to his statement that he doesn't understand Why? Either nothing you've said has sunk in, or he's escalating the attempts to get you to break NC. So, he's either that insensitive and lacks the ability for introspection, or he plays emotional and mind games. He's a loser, either way.

F.T.G!

[This message edited by alphakitte at 12:25 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

I just got the results of my physical today and I sooooo want to throw it in his face!! My numbers were great. Perfectly healthy on all accounts. God it is so hard not to shove that in his face.

Anyway I read some texts right when we were ending things at the begging of April. I wanted to post- I'm starting in the middle or Id be posting pages worth - we are talking about his health hang ups with me.

Him

It is important that you understand. You were intent on pushing me away and saying its either a yes or a no. While I understand the urgency and reason for trying to push it, I don't understand how without understanding what I'm saying and how it relates to our relationship you can make a determination and assumptions. Don't you want me to be happy the same as yourself? Or do you hate me that much

Me

No it's the fact that idont make you happy as I am. If that's the case ill never satisfy you

Him

Not true. If you said to yourself, you know what, I do value what he's saying and I want to do things that would make both of us happy, then we are getting somewhere. I would do the same for you. If you said to me Wxbf this is really important to me and I really hope you hear me out and listen because I would be happy if you did these things, I would listen and make every effort to meet you half way.

Me

I asked you to stop yelling and communicate with me more and that never happened. I sent you countless emails about your yelling, silent treatments, spending time with me. Validating my feelings. Putting me first. I told you countless times and you just ignored it

Then I list out the things I will change for him and my grievances. Too long to post

Him in response to that

Maybe because I thought you were ignoring me? I'm sorry if I ignored those things. I wasn't trying to ignore them, and I'm not making excuses for why I may have, but maybe I thought that since you didn't seem interested in my views it gave me a feeling of the same

Him again

Do you realize that in all that you said, you mostly mention what I need to do for you? You say, I'll greet you when you come home with a hug and kiss (his request) and cook twice a month (his request again), and be mindful of how you compliment me. Then say I'll give you the benefit of the doubt more. Other than that, everything else is what I need to do, for you...

Me

I've been asking for this for years. You've been saying the health thing as a way to shift the blame off yourself for my compliants. You have a temper problem, you have poor communication skills poor boundaries and never even once admitted them or tried to fix them.

I told you I was SCARED and INTIMIDATED by you and you brushed it off

Him

Like I said, bring on the hate. I can take it

Him

Yea, because I'm such an abusive boyfriend. Smh

Me

If you even care to read my emails from the years you'd see I was saying the same thing. Only because I said those things did you start with the health issues.

Me again

Mentally yes you are

Him

Ok great thanks

Me

You can listen or not . It's your future happiness at stake

Him

I would say the same things to my family

Me

I doubt you'd yell at them for not eating their steak. Or messing up a pan

Him

Who the hell are you to tell me about my future happiness? Given what you have written the past few days you could give two shits. I should have figured that a long time ago

Me

Or not keeping the door open. Or smacking my food.

Him

Actually, I would absolutely and have said something about all those things if they did that. Without a doubt!!

Me

Or going to the bathroom too much in Mexico. Or not being thankful enough

Him

Yup, all of it

Me

Yes you would say something maybe. But much kinder and with much more dignity and respect

Him

You take what I'm saying as mean and disrespectful. I would have said it the same exact way, no difference. You don't know me

Me

Would you say they are superficial for having plastic surgery while you are starting at yourself in the mirror

Him

Haha, you called me superficial for looking in the mirror. As much time as you and every other woman looks at themselves in the mirror, I'm called superficial for digging at my pimples. Yea that makes sense

Him again

If you're in the throwing mud stage of the breakup then save it. I don't want to get into a back and forth. I have not and will not sling mud and call you names like you have been doing to me. If it makes you feel better, then go right ahead. I can take it like I said. But if you want to drag me into an all out fight its not going to happen. I have been nothing but sad and depressed and wanting to talk all this out. You're intent on wishing me a life of evil. Calling me names, and airing out dirty laundry. Wishing that something "doesn't " happen to me or a loved one in the future because I may regret my actions from the past. What kind of person says those things? Not the Susp I know. When the real Susp comes back, let me know. She is much more loving and would never say some of the things I have been reading. I've only wanted to work through things

Me

I'm not slinging mud. I'm trying to help you understand. But that's not happening. You will understand in your next relationship. After the honeymoon period is over.I am not wishing any ill towards you you took that the wrong way. I just meant that life throws you curve balls and you can't predict what happens. Maybe you won't regret this. Who am I to say.

Me again

Contrary to what you think I want the best for you. I have said a prayer that god will bring you peace and everything you want out of life. You are a good person. And I hope your inner turmoil subsides over time. You will have a happy future and will find the woman of your dreams.

If you really wanted me to understand where you were coming from you would have made sure I did. I understand that you gave up and i do not fault you for that. There was probably way more too why you didn't want to marry besides that and you didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Him

I wanted to make you understand. Your stubbornness didn't allow me to explain a thing. You thought I wanted a trial period. I said no such thing. I wanted a promise to make your best effort to understand something that is important to me. Nothing more than a promise. You only wanted to curse me

Then a lot of uninteresting stuff then him again

I'm mad at myself for not pushing this earlier. I'm mad at myself for everything I have done to cause you mistrust. I'm mad at myself for letting you down, and letting myself down in the same breath. I'm mad at myself for many things.

Me

I'm sorry for trying to force a relationship you didn't want

Him

No, it's not how I felt about it all. Maybe some of it. I felt misunderstood at times. Like you didn't take me seriously. And always feeling like when I say something you think I'm being a parent

You didn't force anything. I wanted our relationship and still do. I know what kind of girls there are out there, and none of them hold a candle to you. I do realize this, very much so

I'm so sad about all of this. Everything you have said to me the past few days has been devastating. I know you're speaking in anger, so I try to take it with a grain of salt. But it still hurts. I tell myself I deserve it and just take it. I wish I could take back so many things. Rewind time and do it over again. Not that easy

Me

Something just occurred to me. When we spoke, and I gave you the floor. I didn't interrupt. I let you say everyhing you wanted to say . At the end I said are you done? You said yes. Why now is it that I don't understand ?

Him

I don't know? From what you're reciting back to me you think I wanted a trial period. I was looking for a promise to see and understand my point of view more than you have in the past

Ok that's all for now.

Edited bc I double posted accidentally

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:37 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Continued from last post

Him

I'm asking for you to listen to me and what I'm saying. I'll give you the specifics. Don't be negative about it

Me

Whatever you have to say is not an excuse for being disrespectful and mean

Him

I'm not being disrespectful or mean, what are you talking about

Me

You have been many times in the past. I've emailed you countless times about it

Him

Why are of doing this to yourself and us. What good is reading old emails going to do for you? Nothing!!!you need to delete all that stuff. It's like the plague

And like you haven't been is disrespectful to me??? That's the pot calling the kettle black

Me

Yes but you didn't plead and beg and send me countless emails and texts asking me not to. So clearly didn't affect you as much and if you're saying i did it as much as you you're lying to yourself . When I did it I was defending myself. It is not in my nature to be mean

When we got back from cabo you didn't send me an email outlining every time I got angry with you and how it make you feel and how you were ready to end things (I did)

You didn't care that I was crying all the time and losing my mind trying to make you happy

You probably didn't even read the emails

It's all about you and what I can do to make you happy. But what about me? Do I not matter? Go back and read them they are heartbreaking

Him

No it didn't affect me as much because I would drop it. I have a short memory of that type it stuff because its not worth harping over. If you said something that offended me, a couple days later I wouldn't even remember it

Not its not all about me. That's the same thing I said to you this morning. In your hotel message you were asking for all things for yourself. Not what you would do for me

Then he had his revelation that he wanted to propose after I sent him that sappy text about how ill compare everyone to him. The next day i asked...

I have a very serious question to ask you and I'm texting it so you have time to think about your answer.

You haven't wanted marriage thus far , what is changing your mind?

Him

I had a revelation that it really doesn't get any better than us. All of this nonsense we are going through, is just that...nonsense. You're the love of my life and its time we move on to the next chapter together

Me

What about the screaming and getting super mad at me for little things? Or because I didn't "listen" or I make some kind of mistake. Will your reaction to those things change or is that something I would have to deal with?

Him

I know you're at your tax meeting. Hope all is going well

Me

I don't want to sour things by asking uncomfortable questions but I need to think about them and I need you to think about them

Him

I don't know how to answer that. I will make every effort to make you happy and every effort to not let the little things matter so much. You know I'm stubborn, we are very alike in that regard. But we both have to give in on that and I will be the first to admit I need to let some things go

Me

Ok bc I don't want to spend the rest of my life worried ill piss you off.

Him

Everyone makes mistakes. And we should listen to each other and respect each other. After all we are in this together

And I don't want you to live your life worrying about that. That's not a way to live

Did you have other things you wanted to talk about? Reason being is I was going to go the gym for lil

Him

Morning, please let me know you're ok. I haven't heard from you

Me

Morning I am ok: I went to get taxes done, spray tan, work out and then went to bed. You never responded to my texts so I guessed you just spent a long time at gym. Turned phone off and tv on and laid in bed. Hope you have a good day

Him

Why do you turn your phone off? Do you get calls at night?

Then uninteresting stuff and then the gym incident happened

Me

I'm so disappointed you've changed your mind and aren't "the surest you've ever been" about marrying me. I don't know how to tell you just how bad that makes me feel. I woke up this morning and I was dreaming about you, silly dream but you were in it. And it took me about 5 mins to realize everyhing that's going on. I know you don't intend to make me feel bad by wanting more time. But it kills me that you still need it to be sure . I really don't think we were meant for each other. And seeing or hanging out or talking to you would just make things harder . I hope you find that person that makes you so sure you want walk down the aisle fast enough. I pray that happens for me too

And that was basically when I went dark.

Haven't heard from him since the 4 am text. Maybe he is dating someone new. Wish I could say the same....

Haven't heard from him since the 4 am text. Maybe he is dating someone new. Wish I could say the same....

With great affection, dating really is the last thing you should be thinking about right now. You still seem quite hung up on NPDX. I totally understand, but it stops when you say it does. How can you move forward if you're seeking out information (including old conversations) with him?

Who cares what he's doing on a weekend night? Find fabulous things that you can do with friends.

The book "Getting Past Your Breakup" was really helpful for me.

If you were to start dating right now, it's likely you'd end up with someone else who was bad news, because someone who's got their act together will recognize that you're not quite ready for a relationship yet. You will be, but someone who is decent, who is worthy of you, will want you to be your best self.

Work on finding that best self -- find new interests, friends, hobbies, etc. Make a fun, interesting life for yourself and someday, not too far in the future, you will find an amazing partner and be so happy that you left this craziness behind.

Huge hugs. I know it's tough, but you really can't move forward if you're stuck in the past.

Hi SI'ers - it's been a while since I posted and just wanted to give an update.

Nothing has changed. He has not reached out to me since the 4 am sappy text on May 11. I have not reached out to him at all - not a peep since April 6.

He knows I mean business so he's leaving me alone. (my assumption)

As for how I'm doing....well it's been almost 3 months and I thought I'd be further along in my healing. I still think of him daily. Sometimes I have to really pump myself up to stay mad and remind myself of the bad times.

It seems the more time goes by, the more the bad times fade into the background and the good times are left in the forefront. I second guess myself (but that is nothing new, he made me do that for 4 years so I am an expert at that) and my decisions about life.

I am angry at myself for not being further along. Which perpetuates my stagnation (for lack of a better term) so it's almost a vicious cycle. The only thing I can hold on to is - I left in a classy way, and I have stayed the course for almost 3 months.

Fingers crossed the next 3 months are easier.

But I AM alive and healthy.

Oh and I'm only crying once or twice a week instead of daily/hourly. So there IS some type of progress, though it seems almost insignificant.

I am seeing an IC weekly still and she's great. Gets it. Was in an emotionally abusive relationship herself (for 10 yrs) - so it is great to have validation. No one in my personal life understands fully what I went through and what I am going through. Not that I blame them, it took me just shy of 4 yeras to figure it out myself.

And I would have never figured it out (or figured it out when it's too late) if it was not for you all.

So a BIG thank you to all who posted on my thread. Your help, time reading our back-and-forth dribble, and your words of wisdom were not in vain. I heeded everyone's advice and continue to do so - to this day.

But it aint easy.

Hope everyone is well...

Susp247

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 7:56 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

((((((suspi))))))))

I'm proud of you for not going back to what was familiar. For not settling.

Glad to see you.

Oh and I'm only crying once or twice a week instead of daily/hourly. So there IS some type of progress, though it seems almost insignificant.

I don't think that sounds insignificant.

Breakups are hard. They're hell. Hang in there; you're doing great.

Hi SIers,

I hope everyone is well....it's been months since I've come here.

I have updates.

I have not heard from him nor reached out to him in 5 months. I actually think he is dating someone. Which doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, I'm more jealous that its not me who's moved on and dating someone new. My life is pretty pathetic and don't get out much. I've cut a lot of friends out of my life bc of their lack of support. I was there for them during breakups but they were not good friends to me when I needed them the most.

So needless to say things have been hard losing a boyfriend and friends. I've tried to stay strong. I'm still seeing a therapist. And I've reached out to some recently single co workers who aren't in my age range but we've been keeping each other busy. So I am very thankful for that.

So to my update- last night I was out with my new friend/coworker and we saw my ex with his new girlfriend. He basically acted like she didn't exist and didn't walk in with her, but I've seen pics of her sitting on his lap so I know they are together. We left within 10 minutes, and I wasn't sure if he even saw me.

Then tonight I get this text from him (which confirms he did see me)-

Hi...would you be open to talking about a few things sometime soon?

To which I replied -

Hi I'm guessing this is about my stuff at your warehouse. Was planning on contacting you to schedule movers to pick my stuff up on Novemeber 2. Just confirmed this date last week. Will that work for you?

And his response was -

Not exactly about that. You're welcome to keep it there as long as you want. I feel unsatisfied with how things ended and thought maybe having the benefit of 5 months time would give some closure. There is a lot left unsaid after 4 yrs of togetherness

The advice I'm getting is to not respond bc he's trying to lure me back in. But then he speaks of "closure" (I didn't really understand that sentence ) so maybe he really wants to just clear the air and not have any bad blood.

Thoughts anyone?

Yep, he wants you not to think poorly of him. ALL about HIM, . . . AGAIN!

Give him crickets.

crickets

Doesn't matter why he's fishing, you're not biting.

ps - great to see you again.

I totally agree with the crickets.

And get your stuff out of hiz warehouse asap! If you have to be there take a person or two or three with you.

This guy is a doozie. He is abusive at least, has a God complex (walking ahead of his women as if he is not with them). Most definitely he is trying to lure you in again.

Once you remove your items, block his number and if he tries contacting you again file charges.

Only discuss confirming a date to get the remaining items you have in his storage space. If he tries to steer the conversation elsewhere, simply say you have nothing else to discuss with him other than making arrangements for movers to get your belongings.

Once that has been arranged and your items are back in your possession you have no reason to contact him, look him up on Facebook, or to talk to him about.

It's still all about him. Keep it about you and getting your things and even keep that dialog at a minimum.

1.You guys talked and emailed and talked some more about all your issues for months before you broke up. There's nothing unsaid. You know that. You knew that back in May when he was trying to lure you in and you were standing firm. You left it all out on the field, so to speak.

2. You guys have had closure - he's moved on and you don't think of him that much anymore.

3. You guys don't have bad blood - you just had a perfectly civil back and forth over text about the removal of your stuff from his property.

and 4. He has a girlfriend now. Emotional talks about "what went wrong between us" and "getting closure" is no longer appropriate for a person who is involved with someone else.

He was incredibly, abusively controlling and your indifference is his kryptonite. That's no longer your problem.

Get your stuff and finish healing and rebuilding. No contact, no soul suckage.

"X, the movers will be there to get my stuff on 11/2. You and I have nothing else to discuss."

Then: *crickets*

I am soooooo tempted to send him a pic of his little whore sitting on his lap and say I don't ever want to be with someone who is capable of doing this. (He doesnt know i know about her) And you've proven yourself capable many times . You don't deserve me. He'll no I don't want to meet for coffee. Take your girlfriend out for coffee.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:38 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

I haven't been with another man since the day I met him (still to this day)! How many has he been with!? 10/20/50? Fucking asshole

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

The advice I'm getting is to not respond bc he's trying to lure me back in. But then he speaks of "closure" (I didn't really understand that sentence ) so maybe he really wants to just clear the air and not have any bad blood.

Thoughts anyone?

I think he knows exactly which buttons to push on you, and that any contact with him will snare you because you want to talk to him. You are being played.

I

haven't been with another man since the day I met him (still to this day)! How many has he been with!? 10/20/50? Fucking asshole

Ok, this is a really great example of why you should not contact him again. Go FULL CRICKETS.

He makes you feel like crap. Just the sight of him works you up and fills you with anger. You're now dwelling on him and how crappy a person he is instead of focusing on yourself.

This is why you can't "chat". Give him crickets and if you need extra motivation in a weak moment then just realize it's the worst thing you can do to a control freak. But really it's for you. Don't contact him because it's the best thing for YOU.

Just for posterity I wanted to post the rest of the convo. I have not responded

Me

Thanks for offering to let me keep my stuff there. I actually was going to donate it all to Salvation Army, except the bed and nightstand. I'm buying new living room furniture and don't need anything else except tiffs mattress and box spring. It's kind of a logistical nightmare that I'm not looking forward to.

On the part about closure, do you have questions for me or do you have things to say? I don't feel like I have anything left unsaid other than I have no ill feelings towards you, there's no bad blood. I wish only the best for you and hope you are happy now. I didn't want to end things so abruptly but that was the best way I knew how to move on in the least painful way. And i even told you a bunch of times, thats how i end relationships. i think its healthy to sever ties completely until there are no feelings left for each other. also You were dismissing or arguing every point I tried to make. we were just not good for each other. We were both miserable and I didn't see another option. Contrary to what some of your texts said over the last few months, I am not a vengeful person, I honestly thought I was doing right by both of us. It was hard, don't get me wrong. But it was easier than dragging it out and continuing to have conversations that went in circles. You don't have to explain anything to me, I understand I wasn't right for you and vice versa.

Oh and I really really appreciate everything you've done for me. So a sincere thank you

Him

I understand about the logistical nightmare which is why I said don't worry about how long it stays there. It's safe and not going anywhere until the time comes when you want to move it.

As for us, I have many questions and things to say. I'm glad to know that you don't have ill feelings, and neither do I, but I'm a little surprised to hear that you have nothing to say given the way things ended. Even though it was hard, I understood then (and do now) that the manner in which you acted was to make it the least painful way to move on for you (and as you said for us). And yes, you did say many times that's how you end your relationships. I don't necessarily disagree with your strategy, but I can't say that I have no feelings left for you. I agree that we were arguing, and had conversations that went in circles, and a generally unhealthy back and forth communication at the end. But I still felt we owed it to each other at some point to come together and have a more mature and peaceful discussion devoid of blaming, arguing, bickering, etc.

These past few months have been some of the most difficult times in my life. Maybe we weren't right for each other, but I still felt we were more right than wrong. At the very least, the most "right" relationship I have ever had. I've gone through countless emotions and a whirlwind roller coaster of feelings and thoughts of which I thought best to write down. And while I knew that these thoughts, letters, notes, reminders, journal, will probably never get read, it served as a way for me to vent and express myself. I would say that the healing is still a work in progress. Time does help even though the length of time for full recovery is still yet to be determined.

I do hope that you are happier now, and I also wish nothing but the best for you. You deserve it all. You don't have to thank me for what I've done for you. You've done just as much for me if not more. Showed me how deeply I'm capable of loving, and brought out my better qualities among many other things.

Maybe we can meet over coffee sometime to talk about some things. I know you said there isn't anything left unsaid but given the way things ended I find that hard to believe. I don't feel like i need to "explain" anything as you said, it's more of a perspective view discussion that may be beneficial for both of us