SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sienna,

At what point in your life did you learn to just be quiet and not speak up for yourself? Was it before you met your H?

Yes it was before I met my husband, I was 15. It actually started out by me being strong would you believe! I felt the need to toughen up and just swallow my feelings so I could be strong and listen more carefully so I could help and I suppose it was harder than I thought, I ended up spending a lot of time in my own head, if you know what I mean. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone, I felt it would make it worse or upset people or upset me more, like they might dwell on it.

I didn't realise it would then lead to me getting confused when I try to speak and that horrible choking feeling. It's got steadily worse, I used to be quite noisy.

When I met my husband at 17/18 I wasn't half as quiet as I am now and it irritates him. I can talk about art or music or amazing dresses. I just can't get too deep or it all starts going wrong.

Why did you feel a need to toughen up? Did you feel that there was something wrong with the way you were prior to that?

No, I was fine before it was just because something happened and I felt I should be strong and supportive

This something that happened, it seems as if it was a turning point for you in your life. Have you ever talked about it with anyone?

There's not a lot to say, it's just that my coping method at the time was all wrong. I've dug myself a hole and now I'm stuck

The same thing happened to me Sienna. All of the coping mechanisms I learned to cope with horrible childhood did not serve me well at all in my marriage and I ended up here. The good news is, is that there is hope. But you have to want to try to change that coping mechanism that is not working for you anymore. I know how scary that is, believe me. And there are others here that understand that as well. UO for one. When we learn a negative coping skill as a child, there are usually traumatic reasons for it.

There are people here that have walked your path, we are here to help, to support. We know how hard this is. We also know that you can do this.

[This message edited by tired girl at 7:29 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Yes, thank you. It'll be alright in time

You said "my husband is not a monster". I don't think he's a monster. Same reason I don't think you or my husband are a monster for cheating. He probably has his on demons, just like you, that has made him the way he is. You know the saying, hurt people hurt people.

So our calling him an "abuser" is not about making him a monster or judging him. It's just stating the facts. Just like we are not marking you as a despicable human being for your actions. We see the pain behind the actions. Both of you. But you need to acknowledge reality and stop justifying and denying so that both of you can start healing. IC is a good place to start. If he's not willing to go now, maybe he'll agree later.

Your marriage can survive and become stronger and better. But you both need to do the work.

Hugs.