I am going to tell you, flat out, that there is such a huge emphasis here on abandoning codependency that I think many lose sight of the forest for the trees.
EF started this post out with this:
I am not getting a sense of “fight” to make him stay. (the way I did before) I am just working towards respecting his choice and not hurt him any further. And still that makes me feel like I am not fighting for him. I am not sure I am able to explain properly. I end up feeling very insecure because my focus is not to make him stay “at any cost”.
That’s the reason I look for assurance from him that he knows that I DO care and love him.
I completely understand this emphasis as codependency can be a marriage killer. There is no argument there.
But moving away from codependency does not mean that one has to ignore the fundamental goal - a better, happier marriage. That is the goal in this case, is it not? I get the feeling that, in the effort to move EF toward a healthier place, it is implied that it's irrelevant if the cost of moving in that direction is the loss of her marriage.
The only way THAT works out is if you don't care if you're single. It's great to say, "I'm healing myself and I don't need anyone" as your marriage goes in the shitter. But if you want your marriage to recover, on a very basic principle, it needs to be fought for by the WS, and it needs to be wanted by the BS. Overcoming codependency and fighting for a marriage are not mutually exclusive ideals. I'm not sure why this site seems to give the impression that they're one and the same.
When I said in my posts that she and her husband "need each other to recover" I wasn't referencing their personal mental health. They don't need each other to be healthy people. Obviously. But if they WANT THEIR MARRIAGE TO RECOVER, then they cannot abandon each other in the face of reconciliation.
This means that she needs to fight for him - not because it's good or bad for HER - but because without it he might not come back into the relationship. This means that HE needs to begin the process of moving back toward her - not because it's good or bad for HIM but because she needs it.
I recognize that some here are going to scream foul at the hint of codependency but I absolutely feel that in order for reconciliation to occur, at some point, people need to move back toward each other. There has to be a recognition that the other person in the marriage needs you - not in the psychobabble world of "needing" as a reflection of your psyche - but in the basic, fundamental element of relationships.
It appears, to me, that her SO - having had 6+ months to digest what happened - needs to move toward her. Or not. He doesn't have to forgive, forget, or make any long term promises. But at this point he needs to make a decision as to whether or not there is a future and just how bright that future might be.
She NEEDS that - again, not in a codependent way but in a basic, functional relationship way. She NEEDS to know - is he in or is he out? It's important for her own healing and so that she can move forward with her life, with him or without him.
I hope that every one of us "needs" our spouses. In a healthy, loving, passionate way. If not, if that's called codependency, well... I will simply disagree as a happily recovering BS.
EF, you asked what you need to do to "fight for it." You have gotten a lot of feedback in regard to how you can heal as a person. And I agree with almost all of it. But as it relates to your relationship, my opinion is that you both need to move back toward each other in a way that is loving and honest - even if that means a conscious, concerted effort on both your parts to move forward.
I'm sure I'll get a strong share of flames over this but that's my recommendation.
Best of luck to you.
