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OK now ( member #14459) posted at 11:11 PM on Saturday, April 13th, 2013
The irony of all this, which I am sure you already appreciate, is that you have to maintain a loving affectionate relationship, full of validation, even though you would prefer to be angry and hostile as a reflection of your pain.
Either that or drive you wife into the arms of another OM. Just doesn't seem fair does it. Apply the 180, sleep in another bedroom, no affection and she would probably eventually leave.
Thats why I think you're doing a good job rebuilding your marriage and laying off talking so much about the betrayal. Just don't slowly revert back to the bad relationship and you will be OK.
You have to live with the images of her with the OM; she has to live with her unfaithful wife status, reduced trust and the permanent stain she has visited on the marriage. Also the undermining of her christian principles. You are probably better off.
isadora ( member #29130) posted at 12:06 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
I'm going to disagree. Tdr will not drive his WW into another A by talking about it. He doesn't have that kind of power. She chooses to remain faithful or she chooses to cheat.
He needs to put his own needs first now and if that means getting angry then so be it.
Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and 2DSs
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
idiot85 ( member #38934) posted at 12:13 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
ha I agree with isadora again- if it's even possible to drive her into the other bloke's arms- what are you doing? You definitely need to do what you need to do to help you right now- it's clear you're hurting badly so you need to concentrate on you instead.
[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:13 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]
BH-32 (me)
WW-31
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
tdreampol (original poster new member #38933) posted at 12:57 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
No, I am not at all worried about driving her in to the arms of another. And after all this, if she wants to go i will let her. My plan is to work on myself, help both of us heal. Work on our marriage. Tell her I don't want to her to leave, in other words let her know I love her. But never begging or anything like that. If she still want's and A or another man, then i'm out. One chance at R is what is given. I can't do another. This is all very clear to her, and she is very thankful for the chance. But no, she will never go back to the AP, I have no doubt of that. Not even a relapse. and yes, I will never treat her badly or be cruel. But I will put myself and our kids first for a long time.
[This message edited by tdreampol at 7:15 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]
tdreampol (original poster new member #38933) posted at 3:52 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
so hurray, looks like I am triggering like crazy tonight and get the movies. so exciting!
the stop sign thing works for the small ones, but not the really bad ones. any advice?? :(
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 7:01 AM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
If she's truly remorseful, talk it out. If she's sleeping, wake her. Her CHOICE to start all this. Dealing with the fallout is merely one of the consequences.
Strength
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
isadora ( member #29130) posted at 12:02 PM on Sunday, April 14th, 2013
No there is no way to stop all triggers, you have to ride them out and just not fight them. Talking it out helps
Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and 2DSs
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
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