SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can someone tell me why I still have love for him? He has hurt me, dones things to me and I see him and still love this man.

Is is because I really don't know all the sordid details of the affair. I didn't have emails or text between them. I only have the ad on adultfriendfinder.com and what he TT out to me. In many ways I protected myself from the actual facts.

Why would it devastate me if he married another? I am an educated, beautiful woman who makes a good living. I could easily find someone else.

Why do I still want my WH? My family could rip him apart. Me, I dont feel anger or resentment toward him at all.

Did I forgive him?

You have spent 23 years besides this man. Of course you will love him, you have a lifetime of memories beside him and you have children. Love is not a switch that you turn on and off. It takes time to deal with the pain and hurt he caused. Only you can answer if you have forgiven him. For myself, I can say I love the person I thought he was. But that is not the reality of the situation. When I found out the details of his multiple affairs I realized that he was one man at home and another in the street. So the man I thought he was is just an illusion. And I have to admit that I was in love with a fantasy man.

About finding someone else, its not that easy. There was a thread a couple of days ago about this, and the reality is that you can't just replace someone like that. You need to heal from such a horrible event in order to be able to give and get a healthy and loving relationship if that is your desire. Keep your head up. Believe me, adultfriendfinder girls don't hold a candle over you. Like you said, your beautiful, smart and can take care of yourself and you loved him sincerely. Don't feel bad about doing what you promised to do when you married him. Just take it slow and let time heal all wounds... ((torn2bits))

People always question why I can be so negative towards ow and yet, still try to find good in stbxwh. To put it simply, ow means nothing to me and I owe her even less.

On the other hand, I still love the man I married and I love the part of him that I see in our childrens faces. I don't like the person he has become and I certainly don't respect any of the choices he has made over the last 2 1/2 years+. But, we do have 4 children together and we will forever linked by them as we parent them and watch them grow. That is something ow will never share with him and that is something I'll never share with anyone else. After 14 years of marriage, I can't just "turn off" everything we meant to each other and did together. I don't hate stbxwh and I know a part of me will always love the part of him that I married...no matter the hurt, destruction, lies, etc.

These last couple of years were a true roller coaster from hell, but I continued to fight for my family. Then, stbxh turned and started to truly believe I was the cause of all the bad in his life. At that moment I realized, I may still love him, but he, in no way, loves himself. So, as much damage as he's caused me, I came out of this better than he has. He may have ow, but I like myself and love my life with my children.

Allow yourself your feellings. Take time before you try to find someone new. Keep moving forward and find the person you know yourself to be. Then, when the time is right...let yourself love again.

You did not fall in love with him overnight, so you can't just fall out of love with him overnight. It will take time to become indifferent. It is hard to spend so many years with a WS and turn your feelings off. You shared so many things with this man for so many years. Unlike the WS, the BS can't compartmentalize their feelings because they are not broken like the WS. You are in love with the man you thought he was and not the man he really is now. It is a long hard road to that realization. Once you have had time to process everything you will lose some of the rose-colored glasses mentality. You may never get to a point of actually hating him, but you will get to a point that you will see him for what he really is. Then you will get to a point that what he does or doesn't do is of no concern to you. Indifference takes time. (((HUGS)))

Here is the thing, I was extremely sick and on meds today. We had to go to mediation and I couldnt drive on the meds. I had noone to drive so WH drove me, picked up coffee for me on his way and paid for lunch during mediation, bought me an icecream.

Also, I had a kid meeting that nite and he paid for dinner for me and the kids, drove me to the meeting and stayed there until it was over so he could drive me home. He is setting up MC and he told the mediator that he doesn't want a divorce.

I also know in my gut that he is not with the OW and hasn't been for a while.

Terrible!

They sure do know exactly which mask to put on. It is enormously confusing when you see glimpses o the man you love/loved.

You need to detach hun or you'll be stuck in this place indefinitely.

You're in love with and missing/mourning the man you though he was - not the man that he is.

You're being sucked right back in. Him being with OW or not is not relevant. If it wasn't her it would be spmeone else. Please protect yourself. NC, like yesterday.

I feel like your treading dangerously close to "better the devil you know".

Many of us go on "gut" feelings around here. I can say that it isn't always right- so even if your gut feeling is that he is not with ow, it doesn't make it true.

Not saying it isn't true, but you sound like you are not 100% sure about D. If you are not, what would you need to stay in the marriage? What would make you continue with the D?

Sometimes we have to go through all the crap to find what we really want. I don't know your story, but if you are not sure then figure out what it would take and start there.

Ok scratch that! Just read your profile and can see this is a world class Dooosh.

Definitely divorce this ass.

The feelings, like others have said, don't just turn off for us. We have all the fond memories of when our WS was a normal flipping human, before they were twisted into a complete jag off.

You have to remember WHY this is happening and how horribly he is/has treated you. Stay strong.

Is it maybe because he is your children's father?

I still have some love for my xwh as he is the father of my children. But I am not in love with him. He is not the same man I fell in love with. And he keeps doing stuff that is horrible to me and his children,showing his true colours, which I couldn't see before.

Maybe you still have hope rather then love, that things will change between you both?

You are probably right that I have hope. I never wanted to be divorced, I don't want to raise my kids from 2 separate homes, etc. etc.

I have given him my minimum requirements for stopping the D. He is taking steps to fulfill those requirements now.

WH is now realizing that I am willing to go thru with the D. I didn't think that I would but, I am not stopping it unless I get my rqmnts.

The horrible thing is that I have not seen any of this behavior from him in the last year. I mean none of this.

This is why I asked if the fog is lifting for him because he realizes that I am not messing around here.

I am being pulled in many different directions.

Its a risk. There are no guarantees. My kids saw me with him yesterday saying thank you and good by to him. I gave him a hug in the car and he kissed me on the cheek.

At this point, I am waiting to see if he shows me anything different. I need to know this is not about the enormous amount of child support he is paying me and the requirement he needs to give me half of all because of our long marriage.

Our WS create a potential difference, an imbalance in our lives. The equation is gone. BS has an empty space, the feeling of being left alone. Once that void is filled with a better person BS will not love WS as it is today.

So it is natural for the BS to want WS back, even though we know they have acted wrong and caused us enormous pain.

That said, often we tend to be attracted to people who don't care for us. We want them to care, get their attention. We might not show it, but, still wonder.

Oh, I too wanted FWW back. I told her that. But since she had her basket full of OM she couldn't accommodate me. I do not want her anymore because I'm sure I'll find someone faaaaaaar better than her to fill the void. That expectation keeps me going, positively.

The horrible thing is that I have not seen any of this behavior from him in the last year. I mean none of this.

I need to know this is not about the enormous amount of child support he is paying me and the requirement he needs to give me half of all because of our long marriage.

I think the first quote answers your question. "Reality" gives them a big dose of regret temporarily - not remorse.

Hope crippled me so I didn't protect myself. Please don't let him continue to manipulate you.

It is not that I can't get anyone else or think that I can't. Since I took my rings off, men are coming out of the woodwork. One keeps asking me to dinner, but I keep saying no.

What I need to know is what is the line when you know if what they are doing is sincere or not.

In the D, the mediator and my lawyer told me I am going to get everything that I want. Its not that.