SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been a believer all my life. I am the only outsider ever hired at my current job in the almost 75 year history of the company. It came with strong prayer. It was the perfect job for raising my daughter as a single Dad. Before that I was at another job for one year. I had looked on the home page for that company two- three times a week and yet it was a popup due to a computer glitch we had on our computer that alerted me to the hiring fair. It literally came from no where. I know it rains on the just as well as the unjust but I am really struggling right now. Tomorrow my daugher and I go to our monthly volunteer duty at the homeless shelter. I spent 10 years voulunteering in the inner city school even though my kids were enrolled in the suburbs. I pray every night. I see relatives not taking care of their kids, cheating on their spouses and etc. I find myself wondering why I could not have had a better life? Always just wanted to have a wife, kids and a decent home. Never wanted to be a CEO. Anbody else in this boat?

No, I can't really say that this has affected my faith. God didn't turn his back on me. My FWH made the decision to commit A he's the one that turned his back on me. Have you read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Rabbi Harold Kushner? It might be helpful to you. (((hugs)))

Thanks Skan, yes I read it a long time ago. Part of waht hurts is I tried to forgive her and she left after a few years. Also would have never met her if I had not almost died {long story}. I prayed to live and told God if he sent someone for me I did not care if she had kids or not. I had dated a woman with kids once and it did not work. We would have NEVER met had I not got sick. Still trying to figure this one out.

Yes, it has. I read this a couple of months ago and this is how I feel right now about my faith.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?

~ Epicurus

eta: I am sorry you are struggling right now kenny. (((kenny)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:57 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

I am sorry that you are hurting.

My answer is no. This is not the only thing that the Lord has carried me through. It certainly isn't the worst.

This is actually the 4th tragedy of this sort in my life; the very first time was when I was a young child. If I didn't have God then I would not be here telling you this.

This is how I KNOW that I will come out of this ok no matter what and so will you. Sounds like who have been blessed with some things already...ability to have a child, loving someone and having a fulfilling career.

When life pushes you down, you get back up and walk.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 8:03 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Actually I don't know how I would be getting through this without my faith in God. With so much pain and so much uncertainty involved in this, all I can do is surrender everything to Him. Many, many, MANY times I called out to God and asked "why" and begged Him to make the pain easier. This is the toughest transition yet in my life and it has made me focus more on my spiritual life because it's the only comfort there is at times. I believe something wonderful for myself and my children is going to come out of the terrible things their father (and my stbx) has done.

(((kenny55)))

Yeah ;( I don't have the same feelings as you but I have struggled with my faith for sure. When facing my brain and spinal surgeries a few years ago I had feelings similar to yours. I LIVED in the book of Job for months. Maybe try that? ((((Hugs)))) sorry you are in pain ;(

God didn't turn his back on me.

Me neither. He finished everything perfectly.

I'd like to think I'm in His good books.

I regularly help people and children. When I was "setup" by exW and OM He made me do all the right things and gave me success at every step.

I asked Him for help, and honestly, I asked Him to do it in return. I was desperate.

I cried in front of Him like someone had passed away. At work when I was thinking about this in a meeting I wrote on scribble pad "please help me" . Kind of a written application.

He helped and How!

E.g.

This was before D day, but , after I got the A outing call from OBS.

I had hired a PI on a Monday. Work was scheduled to start on Wednesday. On Tuesday evening one of my friends called me and wanted to meet me and check on me for support. I was not in a mood because of the A. I reluctantly said OK.

We decided to meet at a restaurant nearby. I drove to the rendezvous and was waiting for him in the parking lot. There was cop car in the lot as well with a cop in it sipping on ice tea I guess. Exchanged pleasantries with him.

Guess what happened?

ExW and OM drove in. Saw me and the cop car. At the same priceless moment, the cop chose to get out of the car as if to check on OM. the entire scene looked like I had called in the cops as i knew xW and OM were going to be there.

They took the closest exit. I too saw them but didnt make it obvious and noted down the car registration.

exW was supposed to be at office, or so she told me.

My friend joined me and we had a good laugh enough to make others at the restaurant suspect that I was high on substance. My friend confessed that he had seen me laugh after a loooong time.

I return home after picking my DS from pre-school. Her door is shut. I open the door w/o knocking and find her crying profusely. I ask her why she is crying and get the door slammed on my face with anger. She is irritated that I'm in her space. I don't confront her still. She is on the phone with OM. I pretend I don't know anything.

Next day, I call up PI in the afternoon and tell him they might go underground as I suspect they have come to now I have seen them together. I start enquiring if the surveillance can be postponed. I was cut off mid conversation by PI.

The reply from PI was something I never expected.

PI: " sir, she is in his apartment as we speak. She dropped DS to school and took a cab to OM. They had coffee at a joint and are in the apartment. I am outside checking on them and will give you a timelined report in the evening"

I was dumbfounded and happy that PI had struck gold on the first day itself. I knew it was from God.

On d day, I told exW the cops were involved and keeping an eye on OM. That the cops know about my case.

OM was petrified.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Oh He is able to do all things.

He can finish off everything in a jiffy.

But, he wants us to prevent evil to the best of our abilities and then He does

what is not possible by us.

They had planned for almost an year, but, God reversed their plan in 5 months flat, including divorce.

They got nothing. Nothing.

This whole ordeal has made my faith stronger than anything else.

I stop here before I start sounding like Joyce Meyer.

kenny}}}} Those are side bro hugs man. I'm sorry you're questioning this. Please know that it is completely normal, even for someone as committed as you. Infidelity tends to make a BS question everything....

Was my M just a joke?

Did she ever really love me?

Has God forsaken me?

And on... And on... And on.

One of my favorite quotes is from Eckhart Tolle. It speaks to all these inaccurate thoughts we have and has helped me immensely. It goes:

"The ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.

Realize that the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the ego and so free of the mind. Once you do this, you will we see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you, because you have made room for love, for joy, for peace.."

Hope this can also bring you some peace.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 9:24 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

After his first affair- yes. After his second affair I asked God - WTH?? I've lost touch with God and I feel like a fraud in church....

I was an Atheist. (Do you capitalize that? Kind of seems pointless). I was a happy atheist, I have atheist friends and family despite growing up in a very conservative Christian home. Our religion was science and we schooled the kids in it; going to astronomy lectures and taking them to NASA/JPL/Deep Space stuff.

After DDay I realized that this was working fine for me but that my WH and probably kids needed that religious community. We ended up joining a local Reformed temple and I have never been so happy with it! Imagine me, happy with organized religion! We have all found something there and the temple members, Rabbi and Cantor have given a spiritual element to our lives that was missing.

Equally, I do not think I deserved the predicament I've been placed it/ somewhat like Job when I count up my cancer, my kids' near fatal illnesses and now infidelity, but here I am on Shabbot, getting something positive out of the rituals and beliefs that surround me. I don't ask much more of God than that. Hang in there Kenny!

It was a slap in my face when I figured out God took XWH out of my life for reasons. How could He ?? I loved this man for 30 yrs and he found someone else, then walked away. But God was right he didn't deserve me and never deserved my love, trust, or respect. XH is a coward, liar, and cheater.I deserved more and didn't even know what I was missing, do you deserve more than she is/was?

XH is full of evil and he won't change anytime in the near future, God knew this.

I pray every day for Him to give me the strength and wisdom to follow the path He wants me to take next to Him. Even when my flesh wants to go down another path.

Hugs, God will show you His way but it's never on our time. Remember ? Be patient and He will let you know His plan for you.

Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 10:56 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

My last ditch effort to get her to tell the truth, I pulled out a bible and made her swear on it. She put her hand on it and lied through her teeth. Religion for me fell apart in that instant. I've always had doubts before, but there is none whatsoever now. I don't believe in good and evil, and I don't believe in a deity.

Surprisingly, I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes.

If anything, I think this has made me stronger in my faith. STBX was willing to kind of listen and go along for the ride, but he was never a believer like me. I will choose my spouse wiser next time.

Last weekend, my son was baptized with his cousins. I cried my eyes out. He had done the workbook, met with the counselor at church, and was doing it for all the right reasons.

I think it's amazing you guys are volunteering at a homeless shelter. We volunteer monthly through the church by spending time with siblings of disabled children. You are doing something so wonderful for those people and your daughter. I'm sure you will reap the rewards as your daughter grows and you see how well you've raised her.

Lots of hugs to you.

A man once asked a monk if he was religious. The monk replied, "I'm not against religion but it's an inconvenience."

Perplexed, the man asked the monk to explain. This was his reply:

"One day I had diarrhea. I had to go every 15 minutes. But I had to teach a class 45 minutes away by bus and had no other transportation. So I decided to ask God to help. After all, I'm a monk and have strong faith."

"Once on the bus I prayed as hard as I could. But alas, no help. The diarrhea was already down in my anus. So I asked bus driver to stop and let me find a bathroom. He says 'No, I have a schedule.' Finally the bus driver relented and let me off the bus."

"I went to several houses, all said no. What should I do? I pulled my pants down, squatted on a lamp pole and went. But no toilet paper. What do I do? I used my underwear."

"I discovered paradise that day. It was taking a shit. I asked God to help but He said, 'No, you go shit instead!'. I was stupid testing God at a hard time."

"Temporary faith means nothing, temporary religion means nothing. Only action helps! I can do it, I will do it! Then you'll know something about religion."

Don't know if that's what you're looking for kenny55, but that's my take on your lamentation.

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 4:08 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

"all I can do is surrender everything to Him"

This is what I also learnt through my ordeal. Earnestly praying that I'm unable to deal with what's happening and surrendering all of my life to him, and asking that his will be done. Giving it all to him. There is peace in knowing he bears my burdens and is in control of the situation.

The other thing I discovered is that he moves in ways that were unexpected and sometimes unconventional. We see what is happening with our narrow vision, but he, with infinite wisdom, can see the big picture.

Don't lose heart kenny. You've seen his blessing in your life before with the provision of your job. Sometimes when it feels life is against you, these are the times he can use to get even closer to you.

My (lack of) faith is unchanged. I'm still agnostic.

It's my WW who is the active churchmember, and her AP is a minister (in a different denomination.)

So from my perspective, her affair just reinforced things for me.

Yes, it has.

I, too, was a believer my whole life.

However, after a rape in 2001, an NPD x that took me through a living hell legally with DS5, seeing a total broken court system, and of course my current 4yr relationship....

current relationship is with a man that was once married to a preacher's daughter. She's an insane nightmare, true evil being, uses religion as a form of emotional mind fucking for her kids, and then presents to the world that she's just this good little Christian girl that goes to church twice a week.

I've seen religion do so much more harm than good, that at this point, no, I'm no longer a believer. I wish instead more people would not have religion to use as a weapon. I wish people would consider humanity and the good of others, instead of feeling themselves justified to be total monsters because "God loves me". WTFE.

I can still see there are good Christians in the world, and I don't think down on them. I still wish there was some magical being in the sky at times that would take away my problems, but no, I realize, I'm on my own here in this world.

Hmmmm...

Catholic. Not a church going active Catholic. I do believe the principals and basics. I don't believe organized religion is the answer but I do believe in teaching kindness, goodness, etc.

Laughing right now because as I typed this my dog barked for a treat..yep, there's love, deep love, unconditional love. Through all the fears, tears, heartache, depression, and just SHIT. I have God right here in my doggies! They've helped me heal. Watching them watching me hurt helped me realize I had to be stronger each day. I would promise them that tomorrow we would go for a nice long walk. I would tell them I'm sorry for not being a better mom to them and myself.

I took so many long walks last fall. In the beautiful northeast of New England. What could be more beautiful? Maybe this spring? While walking I prayed and prayed for hours, days, weeks. I asked for forgivness. For being selfish. I was after all eating. I did still have a warm bed. Friends that struggled to listen to me again. I prayed and I prayed.

I'm not sure if there is a god or gods or celestial beings or ancestors watching over us. I DO know that my prayers are answered. Answered two-fold. Not when I want them answered, in fact almost never when I want them answered. But they are answered and I'm amazed when they are.

Maybe a butterfly will kiss me on the lips and then come back and sit on my shoulder. This really happened. While talking to my cousin about my pain. Maybe I'll find a marble to let me know I'm not alone. Maybe a sister I haven't talked to for years will send a painting I did 30 years ago so I can give it to my son on his birthday since I had no money and he and my daughter where traveling back and forth for hundreds of miles to bring my most prized possessions to me all in one day. Making 6 trips! Maybe the crocus will bloom today now that my cousin (another blessing) has helped me rake.

I feel he/she/them are not there for us to demand anything. Only question our own hearts and find answers there. My entire life has been filled with evil people. I have gotten better at weeding them out as I age. I had such a hard time realizing that people can and often are just plain mean and selfish. I still do. Look at what's been going on in my hometown of Boston. Is that God's doing? I don't think so.

The evil in Boston brought old friends into my life yesterday. Friends I wouldn't burden with my pain. Now I'm going to have a busy summer because that evil brought my friends to me after many years. I was sitting here so afraid and the phone rang.

Take what you will from this kenny, but, I think all of these people responding to you are your answer.

It didn't change my spiritual growth rate a bit. If anything, it my have increased my faith in God. I see all of God's principles playing out in the life of my XW and my children.

The one thing I will say is not to confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. They are not the same. You can forgive without reconciling.