SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're all right he should have told me 6 months ago. That's why this is a big deal. It's just not an all but automatic divorce for me like a new betrayal would be that's all I'm saying

It is OK for you to want to reconcile. Many very damaged marriages make it. It will certainly be difficult but not impossible. You do not have to make that decision now. You have time to see how this works.

I think you need to do more investigating. It is very important for you to know the truth. He needs to also openly confess. Usually there is very painful TT. Persist until you believe you have the whole story.

You mentioned you have a good career. Great! That will help you tremendously. My concern is you need to make him totally responsible for his financial obligations. You do not need to enable him or take on his consequences just because he seems needy. Those should all be his to own and manage. Also he needs to remember he has financial responsibilities for his own little son and you as a couple. You should not have to finance him so he can finance her and the OC.

He will likely mature more and become more responsible if he has to cope with his own consequences.

Yes, if that was years ago and he is being remorseful now and working on the marriage he is in a better position to try to save the marriage.

Blessings and love to you.

H2D

You need legal advice immediately. I'm saying this again because it's that important. You need legal advice. You need to protect yourself and your baby financially. Divorce him or not, you need to protect yourself and your baby financially.

Furthermore, you have unconvered an enormous lie, one which has been perpetrated against you for an extremely long time. It concerns me that you are so blithley shrugging off again & again, rather than face this hard truth and do some serious introspection. If *I* were disclosing to the group these kinds of discoveries and responding to people the way you are I'd be accused of minimizing, denying, rugsweeping, and a whole host of other unhealthy mind tricks.

You need legal advice from a family law attorney so you can protect yourself and your baby financially.

Thank you I will start separating out the finances and get some legal counsel. I was not trying to shrug it off, I was just relieved that it was from years ago and that he's known for months and not years. Obviously we have a big problem here I'm not trying to say we don't it's just not the problem I thought it was when I first posted. Was trying to correct the record so I could get better advice.

Gently...you forgave him in 2008..but you didn't know everything he had done...he failed to disclose everyone he had cheated on you with. So that forgiveness was based on false information.

Also...the paternity test may have been done last October..and he has known *for sure* since then. But...this OW never told him at the time that she was pregnant? She never mentioned it to him? I highly doubt he was too surprised by the paternity results...surely he had to have known for the last 4 years that this child was possibly/probably his. And he chose to accept your forgiveness,and not tell you about this...until he had no choice.

((((careerlady))))

I was just relieved that it was from years ago and that he's known for months and not years.

This would make a difference to me too. BUT....

Are you sure you want to deal with the OC situation for the rest of your life?

And the fact that he did not tell you immediately when he found out is very concerning. Besides being dishonest, did he really think you would never find out? It doesn't even make sense.

If you want to stay together, I think I would at least insist on IC. He's not thinking in a healthy manner.

Good luck.

I understand how the length of time since it happened is encouraging plus that he has not known for very long.

It is very wise to seek legal counsel. I think the more investigating you do the better you will know what is going on when you confront him. There are many ways of doing that. The people here have a lot of knowledge on how to do that. Keep listening and posting.

The more information you have the more power you will have in getting him to be honest and in making your decisions.

I believe the ones who have the best success are those who lay down strict behavioral demands and boundaries and stick to them. Start out with a strong position on what you expect and must have from him.

He needs shocked out of this behavior and any more secrecy if he plans to keep you.

He might be trying to make the marriage work but already be in trouble too deep he does not know how to handle it. How is he treating you? Is he irritable and mean or has he been truly working hard on your relationship the last 3 years?

H2D

Hi CL,

So terribly sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like you have a lovely, forgiving nature. Possibly at your own expense.

found out he was the father last October

I believe this is your issue. There are ways for waywards to hide things and justify them to themselves...i.e. you did not specifically ASK if there was an other child, or you did not ASK if OW turned up pregnant, etc.

So lies are outright lies, no such thing as a "little white lie." Also are lies of omission and semantics. If there is R in the future for you, I would make this perfectly clear to him that his not telling you in October immediately when he found out would qualify as a lie moving forward.

Hugs, and again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care.

E.

he spent $10,000 of the family's money on court battles and received judgements that will continue to affect you and your child's finances for the next 20 years. then he lied and covered it up...until he couldn't, just like the 4year old OC. when exactly was he going to fill you in? um...when he was forced to. then he pitied himself when he HAD to tell you because the loan was going to be denied. he didn't come clean either....he wouldn't tell you why his credit score went down.

Now I don't know if he wanted me to check cause I do have access to all his accounts.

what a coward!!!!! that's the best comfort he can give you????????

this IS infidelity. it may be mostly financial this time, but the lies and compartmentalization and justifications of a WS are still RAGING in his brain.

also...how do you feel about a guy who tries to hide and not pay for the kids he's created?

from what i can tell, he is still squirrelly as hell. i would very seriously consider what kind of role model he will be for your son...and if your son will grow up to be a sneak, a cheat and a thief like your WS.

sorry for the 2x4. i do feel immense sympathy for your situation...but your rose-colored glasses have you drunk in his delusions.

oh, honey...i think it will be worse next time.[/bold]

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:10 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

btw - don't forget how many times this OW can take him to court over the years (infinite?), or harass you? how many times will he have to see her again? should he deny all contact with his OC? are you going to go with him everytime?

you should check out the OC thread in ICR. i learned 100 things i never would have thought of about dealing with OC in an M. it's SO much harder than you might think.

Anyway through my investigations I found a suspicious number on the phone records and it's female. No results on reverse phone look up. Should I call to confront her first or wait till I confront him? Keep in mind my aunt is visiting the one weekend he's in town.... Ugh

I wanted to ask her how she enjoyed her hotel stay but the suspicious hotel I see was on a night he was going out late with coworkers. Looking at the bill just one person ate.... Who knows though I guesss

Keep digging. I think you are finding what you need to know that he is not doing what he needs to do to be a good husband.

I know it hurts. Keep posting, we are all here.

(((and strength))))

Hugs for you. I know how awful it is. My FWH told me about OC when OC was 3, but said it was all over. We did not dig deep then -i wish I had. II only found out the full story 9 months ago - one month after marrying him. He used to visit OC and still saw socially for late night post work drinks, with the collusion of OWH!!! Since then, after massive rows, we have begun to work on R - it is possible, but there have been conditions. Big big condition is NC with OW? If he wants contact with OC, it has to be through OWH ( funnily enough, he has not wanted contact since then). Another condition is that he works on defining his boundaries and works on finding out the why.

There can be no R without NC. An OC complicates. I am "lucky" in that OWH has accepted OC as his and is raising OC as his in full knowledge of the biological paternity. There has been no demand for money and they have all refused to do DNA test. I say that without DNA test, then I won't recognise OC as his.

If you really want to work on R, he must be fully honest and transparent, there must be NC and the finances need to be sorted out. If he won't accept these conditions, ( or any others you want) then why R?

Thanks all. I made an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and am looking into jobs in SoCal where my family is (came to N cal for WH)

((((careerlady)))) i can almost hear the deflation in your words. it's going to be ok. you are going to be ok. you are going to be more ok than you would if you kept trying to "fix" this. this really does suck...and the OC concept is a HUGE pill to swallow. it's one of the hardest parts to believe and wrap your head around.

we'll be here for you...always.

I might be mis-reading this so sorry if I am misunderstanding....

but you only know about OC now cause he was forced into a corner (wanting to get a mortgage and it would show up in his credit), right?

Was not like he came to you of his own conscious and desire to be fully transparent to R.

He KNEW you were going to find out....either sitting at the bank.....or by him hinting.

Hugs GF....stay strong!

Careerlady

Just be careful for you and your son. You know this already. You and your son deserve better than to be lied to.

Your h. has not been honest with your over the course of many things. Multiple affairs, not telling you about the child, etc.

Do what LOGIC tells you to do at this stage. You don't have to make a decision on R or D but protect yourself, your finances and your son for either outcome.

Channel your inner Mother Lion and do what is right to protect your family.

You husband has been extremley dishonest and disrespectfuly. Be an strong example to your son on the meaning of love, honor and integrity if your husband can or will not.

You are stronger than you think you are. Deep breaths. Keep moving.

Good luck. We are all here to support you.

(((careerlady)))

I am so sorry for everything you have been through in the last few days. To go from finalizing paperwork on your dream home to finding an OC is one hell of a start to the rollercoaster ride.

It totally pisses me off that he had the nerve to talk about his devestation and then let you follow the crumbs to this heartbreak.

We are pulling for you and your son. FYI- I am pretty amazed with your sleuthing and ability to do what is necessary for you and the kiddo. I hope the lawyer can help you sort through your options.

It can not be stated enough... You and your son deserve better.

[This message edited by redrock at 3:22 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

HUGS Careerlady :(