This Topic is Archived
toasted22 (original poster member #38954) posted at 10:34 AM on Monday, April 22nd, 2013
Had counselling today which went well.
Question though.
What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy shame?
Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 11:02 AM on Monday, April 22nd, 2013
BS here...IMO there is a huge difference.
Healthy shame allows you to look at the situation and see what you can do to make it and yourself better.
Unhealthy shame makes you defensive, moody and angry. You blame others and have a poor me attitude.
I've seen both from my H.
Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."
LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2013
My general understanding of it is that with healthy shame, you are ashamed of your actions and and poor choices. Unhealthy shame is when you view yourself as a worthless human being, unworthy of love, deserving of unkindness/abuse, etc.
knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 4:20 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2013
My IC explained it that:
shame is the feeling that! "I am bad" and that is unhealthy.
Guilt is the feeling that I have done or am doing something bad. This is healthy because it prompts us not to do things that are harmful to ourselves or others.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
hardlessons ( member #35025) posted at 5:46 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2013
toasted, shame sucks period, its what you do with it that determines if it is healthy or unhealthy. Those of us who use it as motivation for change will accept the shame see it for what it is and use it.
Some get stuck in it, mired down by shame and self loathing. Or use it as a shield for defense. That is unhealthy.
Same feeling just have to determine what your gonna do with it.
Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 4:08 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013
check on Brene Brown for some great information on shame. Here's a link to her TED talk http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
toasted22 (original poster member #38954) posted at 9:29 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013
Thanks for the responses, very helpful
CrappyLife ( member #37630) posted at 9:39 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013
I saw the title and immediately Brene Brown's speech at TED came to mind. So, I opened the thread to post. inconnu already mentioned it. 
It is a must watch for everybody, especially WSs I think. I stumbled upon it and told WW to have a look. It certainly helped WW see things differently.
BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12
Don't know where we are headed..
This Topic is Archived
