SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks Sisoon.

I'm praying for change too. But if this, and me pursuing divorce doesn't motivate him to make changes, I don't know what will.

The counsellor said that he kind of created a second persona who could do all this hidden stuff. I feel like he's shut the real him away in a box because he can't face up to his actions, because he hates his real self. And so he's let this new persona take over. He learnt all the right things to say and even made short term changes, but they never lasted and he never fought for our marriage, only did things passively, never did anything I hadn't asked (and didn't do all of that).

Each time counselling got too close, he stopped it for a new type. But our new MC wouldn't let him try to blame me etc and I think it shook him, she might see through him. I think that's why he suddenly became so very distant this week straight after MC.

As long as he lets the A persona take charge, nothing is going to change. It's the easy option for him. Easier to break up our marriage and family than to face himself and own what he has done and actually work on making changes. It's so very sad.

Even if he decides not to R, I want him to become whole again, but I don't know if he will.

He sounds a lot like my H after the 1st A and just prior to Dday#2. My H was suffering from depression. It took many people telling him he needed help before he took it serious. My H was a monster to live with. He just did enough to get by and was so full of pride.

He is a completely different person now. A lot of IC, meds, prayer, and support from a great church family has changed him. Its not impossible for him to change but it will take a lot of mountain moving to do it.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 1:28 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

So sorry Fidelia {hugs}

I just want to send a message to people looking for R.

Please don't be discouraged by what has happened to me, but do learn from it:

1. As people keep saying true remorse results in a changed person with changed actions, long term. If the long term change isn't there, they're not doing the work.

2. WS can learn to say all the right words. They can be plausible. And we want it to be true. Make sure the actions match up to their words.

3. You can only work on you. You cannot make it happen for them. If you are the one coming up with all the ideas, if you are prompting them to do things, even if they do them, they are not owning R. Big red flag.

4. Be patient. It's so hard, we want R so much but really, time does tell. For me he kept it up for 8 months. I think that's why they say not to decide anything for the first year.

5. No matter how you work at R, you cannot make the other person stay. And you don't want to. The compromises you will make to placate them will eat away at your self esteem little by little. And when they leave you will realise that it doesn't matter what you tried to change, it was never about you, it was about them.And all you'll have done is compromise your sense of self

6. Some non remorseful WS would rather run away and break up the marriage than face the real trauma of what they have done and who they have become. There is nothing you can do about this. A WS can only R is they have the strength and courage to own their choices. If your WS is facing what they've done and really working on themselves, YOU WILL KNOW, it may take time for you to fully believe it, but they will do anything to put it right, they will do the really hard digging, they will come up with the ideas, they will not derail conversations, they will not try and talk about your faults before they have worked on theirs. And if they are truly remorseful consistently over time, praise them and cherish them because although they are fallible and have hurt you beyond imagining, they have bravery and strength and are committed to you. And there are many who could not do the same.

Fidelia's post has some common things with what STBXH did. He strung me along for a whole year without filing for D or even getting a lawyer but is in and out of living with OW and making "plans for the future", while still married to me.

I forget entire conversations between us now, but he would do similar things and one of the posts struck me as the same thing...the one where he wants to be able to say he did everything he could to make the M work.

My STBXH is actually lying to siblings and friends, telling them how sincerly he wanted it to work, while he drove from their homes directly to OWs.

"Problems" he had were hidden all these 20 years as he too is passive aggressive and he never told me he was unhappy until he had secured a place/shacked up at OWs.

All throughout last year, he even told the same friends and relatives and neighbors that he didn't want a divorce, but he wouldn't come home when he had a chance.

False R came over the holidays and ruined them for me and I think it was even more devious than some of the other things he's done/doing.

I'm really sorry, Fidelia, for your trouble.

At present, I feel like a pregnant widow because I can't fathom loving another man as I loved him. I met him at 17 and am 40 now and all I have known is being his wife and being a mother. I worked years ago, but I was as devoted as any wife could be and used to tell him how proud I was to be his wife. Fool.

I am a church organist and though not super religious, wouldn't hurt a flee. Lying I cannot fathom or tolerate and I married for life as you did.

The things an affair steals from a marriage but also a BS are core and fundamental ideals, I'm finding, and at least at this point, I can't imagine letting anyone into my heart and mind close enough to give that trust to again.

So I wanted to close by saying I'm sorry for your pain as I know it well and wish you peace and prayer.

Each day over the winter, I would get "I love you". "I don't love you anymore." "I don't feel romantic with you anymore." "I care but I'm not in love with you."

I suspect it was when he was securing a spot with OW so he could feel secure to leave here and not be alone like I and our daughter would be. It feels very similar to what you have happening, but I do hope he didn't contact anyone, like you said.

STBXH in this case also found ways to go more underground, but I got smarter as he did and it irked him no end. I and my IC think he was agitated because of the spot-A-but took it out on me and blamed me, also similar sounding.

Some of my favorite hymns are the Maundy Thursday hymns and I think among them is a line that talks about "the guilty walk alone." I have to check up on the reference, but it was really hard last year not to put it on facebook on his pages, especially the one he put up with himself as a widower. (As if...)

Part of the underground route was blocking and unblocking his mobile phone and for all I know there could be another one. He would show me the activity log as blank, but I'd see him very busy beforehand or he wouldn't let me see his computer screen for a time before he would show me the log.

And he lied to my face about NC, texting from the bathroom so much I thought he was sick.

(Ewww...I would rather wait than be contacted from there, almost lol!)

I send support and hope things will work out the way you want them too and will set aside some time to finish your thread.