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Abbondad, good that she's agreed divorce, but when she already has an apartment, why is she back in your house until the weekend?

EVERYONE!!!

She is leaving tonight. No waiting. She is furious with me for "flip flopping" on separation vs. divorce so declared she cannot be in the house with me any longer.

I did not engage at all. "I understand," was all I kept repeating.

A parting irony. Before this blew up she gazed at her nails and said, "I have decided to stop my pedicures to save money for your family. You see, I do make sacrifices for our family."

I swallowed the vomit in my throat.

Thank you, friends, for everything. Even the drubbing. It gave me that final push. For those who have gotten to the point of wanting to beat the shit out of me, I understand. But when you're in the middle of storm, it is unbelievably difficult to think or act straight.

Best of luck Abbondad. You tried your level best but there is no emotional connection left, no love, no affection. Just a selfish woman who wants her freedom from your marriage to indulge in sexual and emotional relationships with other men.

Quite reasonably you will not accept her current and future lifestyle, so she turns her back on her marriage with apparently little regret. Divorce is the only option left to you; separation is a alternative that just allows her to pursue her warped lifestyle with no repercussions.

On the positive side she can resume her pedicure expense which must be considerable relief to her.

((((((Abbondad)))))) this is hard but it is right. And thank you for sharing that fantastic aside about your soon-to-be-ex's tootsies. Keep posting - you've been incredibly frank, open, honest and brave and you deserve an amazing future.

AD I want to say Yippee for your kids and you. End the cycle of the Crazy making.

They will be at peace much much faster.

Now the trick is to not lie to them about why Mom is gone. " She is sick, in her heart and mind, and needs time away to get well. I can not help her. This is not because of you, or anything you have done. You are the best kids in the world. I will be here for you, and I will talk to you whenever you want. I love you more than life. " or something similar should be a mantra you keep repeating until they roll their eyes at you, and say daddy your silly.

You can do this, and will be a stronger man on the other side. Embrace this opportunity to grow, and change.

((((and strength)))))

Agree with tushnurse, great name BTW 100%! Speaking for a moment not as a BS but as a child of divorced parents: I prayed from the time I was 10 years old that my folks would split because of the drama and fighting! It took them until I was 19 fucking years old to split! Glad your kids will have a better childhood without the constant chaos! All the best Jamie

OK, now the anger has departed and I am a sobbing wreck. It's really happening. We are going to our first mediation meeting next week.

I know it's the right thing--the necessary thing, and it's gone on far far too long--but I am still in shock.

Good luck AD - we are all behind you mate

AD, are you staying in the house all day while you are off from work? You will still be on the coaster. May not seem like it but getting up, going out and doing something helps. It's okay to experience the feelings but go out to a museum or take the kids to one. They will enjoy it and the distractions help. Eventually they won't just be distractions but you actually going out and doing things because you want to.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:20 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I agree. The sobbing will come, and it sucks a lot. It does get better. Iirc, you're a professor on sabbatical. That is a double edged sword. It is good that you aren't teaching classes and holding it together in front of everyone while it all blows up at home. However, if you were working, you'd have something else to occupy your mind. Is there something you can use your sabbatical for, like write a book or investigate a new research avenue (if you're not teach-only) or something? It is important to make an effort to have things in your life going on outside of all this crap.

I would ask the kids' ICs what the best approach to discussing this with the kids is.

On a more practical note, Dad.....hammer out a visitation schedule with your WW. Make it as detailed as you need to in order to limit your contact with her.

Doing this will serve to limit the upheaval in your kid's lives. "you'll be with mommy on <whatever> and here at home <whenever>" That way they aren't always wondering where they are going to be and when.

Having a consistent routine will help them a lot.

eta: I'm talking about an *informal* schedule that is in place just for now and decided on between the two of you. As a bonus to this, you'll be able to get a better gauge on how well any type of *mediation* is going to go with you two when the time comes......

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:10 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

((Abbondad)) It does seem like it gets worse but its exhausting trying to hold the tsunami at bay like you have.

Let it wash over you brother. Cry, scream, beat the ground.

A few days after S I went for a rage walk and had to throw myself into the bushes to thrash around and scream my lungs out for a bit. It released something I had been holding on to for so many years. I can laugh when I think back on it now but at the time it was agony. Pure agony.

It gets better. This rollercoaster is different because there is not a pit of snakes and hurt and betrayal at the end - but a big, cool, blue pond of wonderful that is your future. Just got to ride this rollercoaster for a little while first.

Stay strong. Don't get sucked back in. I'm not sure whether or not someone else has posted this thread about "Hoovering" - read it over and over until it sticks.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

Ironic that we start of staying for the kids yet when all is said and done we often end up leaving for the kids.

Its time.

Thank you for the "Hoovering" post. I predict it will come once her anger subsides, and I must steel myself and my resolve.

Sure! Maybe we will get back together again--AFTER the divorce.

I wouldn't mind betting that your wife, being fully aware that you are a sensitive caring individual, fully expects you to crack and pull back from divorcing; probably counting the days to your meltdown.

Its up to you to prove her wrong. Fail and she will lose every iota of respect for you. Succeed and go through with the divorce and she may actually try to get back in your good graces. You will have shown her that you have the toughness to persevere with this marriage ending process and move on with your life.

Hi,

I suspect that the "hovering" already has begun--very subtly.

Been exchanging texts with my wife just hammering out details: kids schedules, how to prepare for our first mediation schedule...

She is cold and all business. (Don't worry; so was I.)

Then she texts me that she will be late tonight (getting her things) because she is taking her mom to a doctor.

Ok, I say.

Then she adds "I made an appt. with Dr. Palma in such-and-such town."

Why did she tell me this? Why would I need to know the name and address of the doctor?

Because she is assuring me that she is not going to be late for any other nefarious reason: i.e., going to see the OM. This was her pattern--she would go to him after work, lying about where she is or was going.

In other words, "See? I'm being a good girl! Now you don't really want that divorce thing, do you? I am doing what you want!"

Ah, the games children play...

I am keeping the Hoovering post with me like the Bible.

No, she is trying to engage you in conversation, using her mother as bait, I assume you like the lady.

Just keep on with the all business mindset. She will pull the guilt card to get you to engage with her. "put this is family, how could you be like that, etc........ I sent you some good links in PM. I hope you are reading thru them to see how they play the game. That's all it is now a game to her. Much like a cat with a mouse. They play with it before they go in for the kill.

Do not trust her one bit. She lost that privilege. She has done nothing to warrant it.

"I made an appt. with Dr. Palma in such-and-such town."

Why did she tell me this? Why would I need to know the name and address of the doctor?

Why, you ask? It's hoovering. Do not respond. You do not want to give her "narcissistic source" or attention! Only respond to financial and kid info!

(((((HUGS)))))

I'm very sorry I had to smack you with that 2x4, but honestly I am so worried about your poor kids. I suspect there will be more drama and crazy before this is all over.

I'm worried about you too. She is still calling the shots with you. She is leaving because of your "flip flopping," not because you threw her out. She is now trying to hoover you back into the drama circle.

Stand your ground. Go dark if you have to. I predict at least one more melodramatic scene in front of the children before she actually leaves for good. This is a very damaged woman here.

I'm also concerned that you seem to still cling to that small shred of hope that you two will work out. Please try to let that go. I know how hard it is, but as long as you keep clinging to it (regardless of how tiny it is), you leave yourself vulnerable to the crazy. Again, I ask you to trust me. I've lived this and it isn't pretty. I ended up in the looney bin more than once.

The pain is very real and debilitating. Please try to eat and drink and sleep. See your doc for meds if you need them. There is no shame.

Post here often. We do care. Very much. We will walk with you through this shit storm. You aren't alone.

You. Can. Do. This.

Whats a distinct possibility is that as the date of the divorce decree approaches, she will grandly announce that she has decided to go NC with the OM and give her marriage another chance, [she may or may not be totally finished with OM].

What will you do then? Proceed with the divorce in any case, or reconcile?which may put you back in the same position you are in now, if she reneges on the decision to go NC.

You need to be prepared for this event which is likely to happen in the near future. If it were me I might give reconciliation a chance, but with the divorce process still ongoing. No way would I halt divorce with this woman. Too selfish and deceitful by half. I would need 100% proof that the OM was out of her life before I cancelled proceedings.

Have you given this any thought?

Whats a distinct possibility is that as the date of the divorce decree approaches, she will grandly announce that she has decided to go NC with the OM and give her marriage another chance, [she may or may not be totally finished with OM].

What will you do then? Proceed with the divorce in any case, or reconcile?

I absolutely have thought about this all day; in fact I expect this will happen. After the anger and crazy subside I will not be surprised if she does this.

I spoke with our mediator. We had to move the date of the first meeting up to May 20. The whole process could take from six to eight weeks.

If she does, my plan is to say no--and keep proceeding with the divorce. And then watch her actions. If she says screw you, well then, no loss. I say nothing and keep going.

If I see that she has essentially had a brain transplant--in other words she becomes, miraculously, the wife she is supposed to be in this situation (utterly believably remorseful, moves heaven and earth to win me back, including radical actions like calling him in my presence to tell him to fuck off and never contact her again, tells me to track her every move, and takes full responsibility every day and tells me so every day)...

...For months prior to the divorce being final, then I would THINK about it, but still never tell her.

Note: this would require that she becomes someone else. And that won't happen.

So my answer: it doesn't really matter since the above actions will not occur.