that's an improvement I suppose.
What i mean by "the struggle becomes less about your marriage and more about you"...
For the first 18 months or so(longer if the WW isnt fully cooperative, for me it was at about 3 years due to other distractions from self) its all about trauma recovery, getting your feet back under you, punishment, building self esteem, working out what you have left together and what you can build on...etc...all relatively obvious issues and processes. And also largely done either as a couple or at least with the other spouse in mind.
Once you decide to R and get through all or most of the above steps, thats when things begin to normalize. And normal is where shit gets weird! Once things settle, your mind actually has the time and focus to form self centered thoughts, or at least thats when mine started.
You see, initially, for me, it was all about...
Can i forgive her?
Can i live with what she did?
Can i love her?
What is she thinking about?
What is she doing?
Can we ever be as good as i thought we were?
Can i be what she needs/wants?
Then normalcy crept in, and in with it came a shift of thought.
I began to think of myself, of MY wants, MY dreams, MY needs.
I began thinking of whats lost, that can never be ruturned. The ideals that were so important to me. Beleive it or not, being able to tell my grandchildren when im an old ass fart, that grams n gramps have been married forever and have always been faithful to each other was a serious goal of mine, a dream. A dream that i now am forced to drop. Well, a dream thats a decade in the making doesnt just evaporate, it hangs around, it pops into your head just as a reminder.
A dream like that carries a bat, and smacks your current reality right in the nuts, just to test its durability.
All the existential crap creeps in. All the self doubting questions about "shifting morals" and "if she ever cheats again...! ...wait, well shit, if her cheating AGAIN is a dealbreaker, why the fuck isnt this one!?!? Why wasnt this the last straw FOR ME!?" Are boundaries retroactive?
Now, im not saying that these types of thoughts arent present in the early days, they are. But later on, when my brain stopped swirling and became less and less we/her focussed, these thoughts really took center stage.
Hope that made some sense and wasnt too much of a downer.