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I have been there also with my daughter and the tough love. My mom also did it to me. I feel your pain and there is no pain like that when it comes to your children. I made my mistakes as a parent but one that I will not regret is the tough love. She had to learn on her own about her choices. Stay strong, let her know you love her with all your might and this is for her own good. One day, she will look back and thank you. Big hugs...

Thanks. I'm just at a complete loss... definitely hurting but it's not about me. I made clear stipulations months ago, we had an agreement in writing... and I have to follow through. I really hoped that yesterday wouldn't happen, but it did.

Yes, you have to follow through. Boundaries and enacting consequences are tough. But choices being consequences. This will be a tough lesson, but a necessary one.

Hang in there--they do become human again. Just experienced that with my youngest. Finally!

Cat

(((SSM)))

(((SSM)))

Going through some of this (long over-due tough love) with an adult child...

It's killing me too.

I understand and hope she finds her way.

((((ssm)))))

Sending you strength and comfort, ssm. You are doing the right thing, as excruciating as it is.

(((((ssm)))))

She will grow, and learn, and be back.

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I understand completely SSM ! I had to tough love my SS34 when he was 19. Yes he had to move because he crossed my boundaries.

It's so difficult but he did come back to really talk about it after a few years and with a different mature attitude. We are very close, he is now a parent and sees things so differently. I did OK as a Mom.

Hang in there and know it might be awhile before she sees the light.

Big Mom Hugs

Gma

((((ssm))))) sorry you are going through this. Our love for our kids can bring us a tremendous amount of joy and pain at different points in time. Hope things resolve in the near future.

hugs again.

Our kids can tear our hearts out on a whim.

Just stay strong. I don't know what happened but I know you are doing the right thing.

(((SSM)))

I did reach out to her today to let her know that i am not angry (never yelled yesterday, just spoke calmly and in facts). I told her i love her very much and am here as support for all the good decisions she makes.

In return, i got a guilt trip. No surprise. She is doing what she knows to do, and what works... the easy fix so she doesn't have to do the hard work.

Don't get me wrong. I feel awful. She is hurting and she's scared. I hate... HATE knowing that and I can undo it ... but I can't. I am looking at the bigger picture and even though it feels shitty and others look at me as unfeeling, i know i am doing the right thing.

It's drugs. Pills. Opiates. We went through outpatient, then inpatien, then lots of stipulations to avoid halfway house. After 6i months, she blew it. Went through a breakup, and used. I caught her immediately.

Oh SHIT SSM ! I'm so sorry she is down the drug path. Yes you have to let them fall so they will do it for themselves.

Big Mom Hugs

Gma

I've been there SSM. Hold on, you are doing the right thing.

Had to send my son away when he was a teenager - drugs, alcohol, you name it. I almost waited too long, trying to "help" him. The day he left he said "I will NEVER forgive you."

Eight months later he sent me a Valentine's card saying "Thank you for saving my life when I wouldn't do it for myself." But in fact he did do it for himself. I truly hope your daughter does as well.

(((SSM)

((SSM))

I am so sorry!! You are doing the right thing. She has to understand that no matter what happens she has to stay sober. There are no excuses.

Your boundaries are not unreasonable and won't mean anything if you don't enforce them.

I am so so sorry!

Last year at the beach when I had to make her leave our vacation house, she called her father, and he told me what a horrible mother I was for doing that, etc...

Later he realized the gravity of it, and we both learned a lot through the meetings and classes for family. We even took our 16 yr old son, and made him sit through a 4 hour class.

This time, I called him right away. I told him in advance of me testing her what I suspected, and why. I also explained how I would have to follow through on the written agreement we have. He was totally on board.

He talked to her Monday night, and we talked again yesterday. He's changed his tune. Now he is on the fence, saying that he respects my decision since it's my house, etc... but that "it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc... (these are all the things she is saying - to me too)

I GET all that. I think it might be harder for her too. I feel TERRIBLE - I had terrible dreams last night - one where she called me and I ignored the call... I actually woke up at like 4 AM and grabbed my phone, and was totally confused when there was no missed call from her. I really thought it had actually happened.

As I told her yesterday, I hope this "mistake" and set back becomes the catalyst for her to really get serious and change her life. Since December, she has only saved up $600, and $300 is a tax refund. She is only working around 18 hours a week, hasn't done anything to get back in school, and when I get on her, she always has excuses. She has no car is the big one. I guess when mom is paying all your bills, why be motivated.

This is going to be make or break for her, because I am sticking to it. She is not coming back to live with me. It scares the shit out of me, and I have a lot of guilt, but I really feel that I'm doing the right thing.

I have reminded her that I'm not angry, and that I love her and am here to support all the good decisions she makes. She said I'm obviously not, and I told her that I am - even if it isn't the type of support she wants (not financial and safety of home)

"it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc...

No...."only one time" this time, then the next time it will be "only one time". When addiction is involved there is no such thing as "only one time". I'm just trying to reinforce what you already know. Stay strong.

You had a contract, she broke it. She knew the consequences. Breakups are hard but there are a lot of hard things she will need to go through in life. She needs to learn to cope with hard things without using. Again, you know this.

Ugh, it's so hard when you love someone so much.

(((((ssm)))))

She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. She knew the consequences and did it anyway. She needs to learn to cope with life, it's up to her. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts, ((hugs))!