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So the other shoe at work dropped...

We had the meeting finally to address the incident and at first my co-worker said she was putting her 2 weeks notice in which pissed my boss off. Then she said that as long as I was still working in the office there will be a problem. She doesn't want to try to be nice any more, she wants to revert back to being a bitch and not caring. She then said that when she has bad days she is going to take it out on me and only me because she doesn't like me any more. The boss just said that she was sure we could act professional.

THEN... I had made a huge mistake and told the women in the office that I had started going to a rape crisis center for counseling. My boss said that I was projecting my anger and hurt from the rape onto the wrong person and basically implied that the verbal altercation that we got into was all my fault. I can't believe how they ALL ganged up on me. I think I'm going to start looking for something less toxic.

Is it possible that your SO has seen the real you? Perhaps your wish to be seen & known & appreciated is already coming true?

I know he has seen the real me I just have problems with the truth. My IC wants me to work on the lies that I have told myself because of the abuse.

You DO deserve to be loved, especially by you

And I'm the worst at loving me. It's something I need to work on.

You have a kind and loving nature that shows thru your writing. For you to be able to keep that part of you from becoming bitter and hateful shows just how much strength you have.

Thank you. I feel at times that people see my kindness and use it as a way to hurt me and abuse me. It's hard to trust people now because of so much abuse in my past.

I am still extremely stressed out and it's messing with my appetite... A linger effect from the A. I'm trying to relax but it's a bit difficult. There is so much going on in my life but I'm breathing and just trying to take one day at a time.

We had the meeting finally to address the incident and at first my co-worker said she was putting her 2 weeks notice in which pissed my boss off. Then she said that as long as I was still working in the office there will be a problem. She doesn't want to try to be nice any more, she wants to revert back to being a bitch and not caring. She then said that when she has bad days she is going to take it out on me and only me because she doesn't like me any more. The boss just said that she was sure we could act professional.

This is five kinds of wrong. I think you are right to be looking for something else, because this is a screwed up workplace dynamic, to say the least. Lordy.

Courageous, You've been on my mind this morning... This popped up on my newsfeed, and I thought of you. I decided to share it.

(((courageous)))

Thanks guys I guess it just shows how much I have grown. Before I would have taken the work issue upon myself because I felt I deserved it. Now I am like no....hell no! I don't deserve this. It's nice that I am finally seeing a change in myself.

I'm still struggling with all the lies I have told myself to survive and protect myself from abuse. I think in my counseling appointment I am going to address all of this and really work on seeing the truth. The truth has been so foreign to me for so long.

[This message edited by courageous at 10:25 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Courageous - your user name is SOOOO fitting. I'm glad you are seeing your growth, because it is blindingly bright to those of us reading your posts. Keep going, honey. You deserve this healing. You deserve the truth, the hard work, and the results that will come from it.

THEN... I had made a huge mistake and told the women in the office that I had started going to a rape crisis center for counseling. My boss said that I was projecting my anger and hurt from the rape onto the wrong person and basically implied that the verbal altercation that we got into was all my fault. I can't believe how they ALL ganged up on me. I think I'm going to start looking for something less toxic.

I have found that 99% of people don't know what to say to a trauma survivor, and they unconsciously aim to distance themselves from the possibility that the same could happen to them so they push the survivor away and project stuff on them. It feels awful on the receiving end and I am sorry your dumb boss went so far in expressing his ignorance as to psychoanalyze you.

About six years ago I was assaulted In a training program and was shocked at the lack of empathy as the other students and teacher absolved the abuser and questioned me on how my past drew this event to me. The book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman MD really explained so much to me, I highly recommend it.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and going to IC. I hope you can find a better job with a more peaceful setting so that you get your work done, and focus on healing.

I have discovered I now have a physical reaction to violence....

After being away for the weekend with SO, I came back to work determined to keep my head down and just do my job... that I couldn't trust my co-workers, etc. Well Monday my boss came up to me because she said I had been acting bizarre and that I have a shitty attitude. She asked me if I was happy working for the company because if I wasn't she was willing to help me find another job she just didn't want to be left stranded. I told her there were days I was happy and there were days I wasn't and right now I don't know what I feel. She was very confrontational. I told her how she hurt my feelings with her blaming the "altercation" all on me. She, like the good politician she is, said that she never said that. She was trying to figure out why I told her about the rape crisis center and was trying to connect the dots. She said we both acted poorly.

Well to make a long story short, the bi-polar person I had the "altercation" with heard the conversation. When my boss went into her office the bi polar told her she quit. There was A LOT of screaming and door slamming and I heard the boss say "get your hands out of my face".. It scared me so bad I was physically shaking and just wanted to crawl under the desk.

Yesterday the office had been so tense. I am still not happy about things and I can't trust anyone but now I'm in a bad position of being afraid to leave and cause more problems for the company.

I didn't use to be like this! I hate it! I hate the fear. I hate walking on eggshells.

What happened to me? I never use to have this strong reaction. During each time: the altercation, both meetings, and Monday I had suddenly gotten very cold to the point of shivering uncontrollably. I got light headed and dry mouth.

Big hugs, courageous. My guess is that by starting to work on the past traumas, you have pulled back the scab that had formed over the wounds, and those nerve endings are exposed and back at the surface. It is a very vulnerable time for you, but believe it or not, I see that as a good sign. You are working on all the right stuff.

(((C)))

the bi polar told her she quit.

Did she actually quit? Because IMO that's a good thing. You shouldn't have to work with someone like her.

I am still not happy about things and I can't trust anyone but now I'm in a bad position of being afraid to leave and cause more problems for the company.

You don't owe this company anything. They have a legal duty to provide a safe working environment, and if this isn't it, then you certainly don't have any obligation to stay just to help the company. It's not personal, it's business, and your first business is your own stability.

That said, if you need the job/money/benefits, would it be possible for you to transfer internally? More individual/independent work? Out of the toxic office?

ETA: I agree with NIK too, healing hurts sometimes but it's worth it. Are you still seeing your IC?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:14 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

I wouldn't like hearing screaming and doors slamming in my office.

I am glad you were able to talk to your boss about what happened and you stuck to your truth. THAT was very courageous.

Keeping your head low... is ok.. it's protecting yourself..

Hopefully with the bipolar worker gone, your office gets calmer.

Hugs,

K

Did she actually quit?

Now I'm not too sure she supposedly quit and didn't even give 2 weeks notice but came in the next day to work. Her sister works in the office also. I asked her today if we are going to be okay when bi polar leaves. She says her sister has not given her official notice yet. So now I'm thinking this is all a game. It makes my leaving not so bad.

In the mean time I have to "play the game" of being cheerful all the time. Apparently I can't have a bad day or want to be quiet or else I'm rude and have a bad attitude.

This is the most dysfunctional place I have ever worked at. It's the corporate office and there are only about 10 of us in the office.

Are you still seeing your IC?

I am. I'm not sure if it is helping any. I leave confused frequently. We end up talking about SO's issues and childhood a lot. I don't know why.

My guess is that by starting to work on the past traumas, you have pulled back the scab that had formed over the wounds, and those nerve endings are exposed and back at the surface. It is a very vulnerable time for you, but believe it or not, I see that as a good sign.

That's probably true. I have always been sensitive to yelling. When I was a child it would make me cry. I remember several occasions when I was a teenager hearing my parents and brother screaming... I would hide in my room crying and so afraid of what was going to happen.

My work atmosphere is very volatile. The owner calls and yells at employees. There have many occasions of someone yelling at another person in the office. The bi polar person has a nickname of chucky because she stabbed her boyfriend.

This job was a blessing back when I was completely broken and damaged. Now that I'm trying to break free they have a problem with me getting healthy.

@kajem-- I really liked that quote you shared with me.... It kind of describes what I'm doing now. It really made me feel good.

I'm all over the place today....

I have been reading a book called "love isn't suppose to hurt". It has really struck a nerve with me. It's by Christi Paul who is a news anchor who suffered from emotional abuse from her husband. The things she said were so much like my marriage. She understood what I went through.

It's encouraging but at the same time rips opens gaping wounds. I realize now that my ex NEVER cherished, respected, or valued me.

My trip to SO really drove that point home. I'm afraid of heights and have never traveled alone before, yet I got on a plane all by myself to go spend the holiday with SO. when he picked me up he had a dozen roses for me.

My ex never gave me flowers. I got a single rose when we were dating after 9-11 because he had a dream I died and it bothered him.

SO wanted to make sure I was happy. He offered to go to the store and get me any kind of ice cream I wanted and I could just relax at his house and wait for him if I wanted. My ex during both pregnancies told me that if I had a craving for anything I had to go out and get it... He didn't care what time of the day it was he wasn't going to get anything for me. This was the man I vowed to spend the rest of my days with

I told my IC about the BEST compliment my ex ever gave me... When I asked him if he liked me better with or without makeup on he told me he liked me without because I looked like a clown when I wore makeup.

My IC said "this was a compliment?" I told her yes it was... It was his best compliment. She stated the question a couple more times to me. I realized that no that wasn't a compliment. How did I get that far gone to think anything good out of that?

I thought I was doing well. My visit with SO was so refreshing. I even got on a motorcycle for the first time. I loved it!

And yet here I am, all alone and feeling the darkness calling out to me... My friend of many years beckoning me to return to the lonely, empty, and broken existence I was/ am.

I saw a squirrel fall out of the top of a tree today. It hit the driveway with a load smacking sound. I thought for sure it was dead. It laid there for a long while and then it started twitching. It pulled itself to its feet, in obvious pain. It stood there in utter stillness watching me. I could tell it was afraid because his breathing got very rapid. I hurt for this creature and wanted to help it yet I knew that if I got near him it's fear would just sky rocket. I went inside. After a while I came back out to check on him. The squirrel was gone but I could see drag marks through the dirt where he pulled himself to hiding.

I feel like that squirrel.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:54 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

I am not doing very well. I had been feeling like I was just waking up from a long sleep and seeing things so clearly. Now I feel like I am starting to reach a plain of indifference again. I kind of been thinking about cutting again...just once to see if it does the same for me like it used to. My thoughts are a bit obsessive on this. I spent 2 hours last night weighing the pros and cons. I told SO about my thoughts and he offered to stay on the phone with me all night to ensure I didn't hurt myself. I was able to convince him to go to bed after I promised to go to bed myself. I just feel so blah!

I feel I am being gaslighted a little at work and they have done a really good job of making me think I was over reacting. SO has been encouraging me to keep looking for another job.

I'm just so tired and worn out. This is not how life is suppose to be. What has happened to my joy??

My fear is that if I don't do something like cutting that I might do something even more self destructive to sabotage my relationship. I need to get out of this place of indifference. **For those who might read this wrong... I have not and will not ever cheat. The self destructiveness would be something other than that**

Do you have medical leave from work? Could you ask your IC if there's anything she can do to help you get short term disability to focus on your health?

Do you have medical leave from work? Could you ask your IC if there's anything she can do to help you get short term disability to focus on your health?

No I don't. I don't even get paid sick days or holidays. I can see that my company wouldn't believe I'm "disabled" in any way. I think I have been suffering from depression since the A. I get better and then I get worse... It's a never ending roller coaster.

I am so sorry you are in this job. I hope you can either find a relative or friend to live with so you can quit, or find another job that's a peaceful environment. I also get afraid if people raise their voices in anger and would not be able to work in such a place. You are a brave woman. I hope you can find healthy, non self destructive relief.

((((((courageous)))))

I am glad you like it... When I saw it, you popped into my head. So I shared.

Hugs,

K

ugh! So it seems I am definitely in the anger stage. I am angry at so much right now.

My IC says I am grieving. I told her about the increased violence in my rape fantasies and the thoughts of cutting. She asked me if I was a harm to myself and gave me the hotline number. Also I had to promise not to hurt myself this week. It felt so silly making that promise I kind of laughed when she said it.

Two nights ago when I was talking to SO the conversation went to a bad place.... I don't remember what about... I was trying to keep my emotions under control and I stuck my nails into my arm as a way to disassociate. I left marks that are still visible today All i can say is at least I didn't act out my thoughts which was to take a blade to both arms, from wrist to elbow. My feelings are all over the place!!!

I don't feel like I'm getting better.

My mom said something sunday that has hurt me and bothered me since then. when she met my SO for the first time, one of the first things she said to him was that I was very disorganized and messy. SO thought she was just making a joke. I had to explain to him that she was being very serious. So this sunday she said that I needed to be completely upfront and fully disclose to SO my disorganization and messiness because it will always be "a bone of contention between us in our relationship". Seriously??????

It just made me realize that my mother will never be happy with anything I do... I will never be good enough. I discussed this with my IC and she thought it was sad that my own mother will never know the real me because it has never been safe to show myself to her. it's just so sad realizing her words are a reflection of her not me. That's not a pretty picture.

Of course my mom has also said in the past that she doesn't want me to ever go through another divorce because she wouldn't be able to handle it..... she doesn't have the strength. Uh, hello I'm the one that went through the divorce. My husband cheated on me and abused me..... I guess my mother would rather me stay in abusive relationship so that SHE doesn't have to go through anything difficult.

I haven't told her about counseling at the rape crisis center. She thinks I'm going to IC at church, which i did at one point.