SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW just moved out after we agreed on separation. I'm wondering, what is the "norm" for separation rules?

IE Should she be able to just come over whenever she wants? (The house is in both our names)Should I change the locks?

What about child visitations?

Monetary concerns: Child support? Car payments (hers) etc

I ask this thinking short term. Obviously the divorce will iron out alot of these questions.

are you separated, working towards R?

or separated, working towards D?

I guess...undetermined???

well my answer depends on your desired outcome - if you plan to R, then you'll need to set some ground rules that you both agree on, that you both can abide by, etc..

if you are going to D, then you can decide what you are willing to put up with, and what you aren't.

I am separated but not divorced. The house is in both our names. My state has legal separation, and that is what we are working towards. It took time to hammer out the agreement, and it takes a couple months to actually land on a judge's desk.

Anyway, our sep agreement specifies that even though he lives in the house, it remains in both names until we divorce. That means he can't change the locks. I also don't show up whenever. I recommend that boundary... you're separated now, it is not "her" house any more. If you move towards R, revisit then.

Does she have a job? WH and I each had our own cars while M, he pays his and I pay mine. I have my own insurance policy. He still pays my cell phone. I think we have one more month until we can split that without the exorbitant fees.

Visitation and support have been worked out according to the standard schedules. You can google these for your state/local domestic relations court for a starting point.

Here's how we did it in my situation. I've been through this *separation* thing a few different times and in a few different forms.

Re: her just *popping over*.

No. It caused me a lot of anxiety and made me incredibly edgy when he would just come and go as he pleased or just *show up*.

Visitation:

Yes. Get a schedule put into place so that the children know when they will be with your WW and when they will be with you. This is really important for your kids right now when things are kind of *in flux*. If you have kids that are older than 16, you can allow a bit of leeway on this...or not. I didn't until my oldest was 18. The *bonus* of having a schedule is that there won't be any type of *he's keeping the kids from me* if/when she calls at the last minute wanting to see them, but you already have plans.

Financial:

I got nothing for you here. Our shit is so complicated that it was *easiest* to just leave it status quo until we get the D logistics sorted out. If I had to do it over again, I'd put a 'cap' on spending, though. If either party is going to spend over $X, the other spouse needs to be notified. Not that Sultan would have abided by it, but I should have done it anyway....

If the status of your future is truly 'undetermined', you might want to consider paying lip service to whether dating other people is allowed during this time period.......

The best thing to do is get your atty involved to set up temporary orders. This will set up financials in a precise manner and both parties will be clear on what will be happening with your joint finances.

My atty told me that I could not change the locks on the house as we both owned it. However, we could put it into the temp orders that he could not enter without my permission.

Hope this helps.

A lot depends on your state laws. When POS left I changed the locks on our house. When I told atty I did this because he was having an affair and I didn't know who he may have given house keys to and I was concerned for my DD's and my safety, he said I was justified to do so...

Check to see if your state allows for legal separation or not. Our court system provides a wealth of DIY legal documents that just require you to fill in the blanks.