SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my fellow SI friends,

OK so as you all are aware of, I broke up with my ex bf of 4 years. Not even 24 hrs after our official break up he is out dating while I am sobbing uncontrollably at my IC sessions. I know it would be very easy to jump right in and find a new guy and "make the pain go away" but I have been here long enough to know that that is a dead end.

Can you guys send me some support as far as me doing the right thing here?

How did you handle your personal break up with someone you still love but know is not good for your soul?

I am hurting pretty bad today and knowing he is out having a blast, while I am doing the hard work of IC is tearing my heart to pieces.

I know I still love him but that doesn't mean he is right for me. So I left him and now he is having fun, being single and loving life, while I sit at home and work on myself.

I really need some stories of how it helped you in the long run not to jump in and make the pain disappear but took the long hard road to healing...

Please share your stories, I am listening...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:42 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

So I left him and now he is having fun, being single and loving life,

Maybe it looks like he's having fun, but he's really just showing the world how completely empty and soul-less he is.

I mean really, would YOU want to date someone who was back on the dating scene less than 24 hours after ending a LTR? I certainly wouldn't.

DCK

would YOU want to date someone who was back on the dating scene less than 24 hours after ending a LTR?

Very good point! No I would run for the hills. I would think this guy has A LOT of baggage that needs to be checked first!

ETA

I would think he would have enough respect for what we had to at least wait a while before jumping into the dating pool.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:41 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

((EW))

hang in there. you know you're doing the right thing. No one wants to date someone who just got out of an LTR.

you otoh are doing the good thing, the hard thing. you are grieving, processing and healing. you're giving that process the proper time and effort. you will come through it better and healthier than ever.

don't let his poor behavior color your view right now.

I would think he would have enough respect for what we had to at least wait a while before jumping into the dating pool.

He didn't have respect for you while you were dating, so he's certainly not going to have it now. Plus, if he was able to date within 24 hours of your breakup, doesn't that mean he was already crossing the line with them while you two were together?

(((EW)))

I assure you that him going out and having fun is just a coping mechanism. Its a bad habit of the mind and body but he needs to learn you can't replace people, memories, pain, and laughter that fast. Some people learn the hard way. Also I'm pretty sure he feels like shit in the inside but tries to smile on the outside. Its hard for both of you.

EW,

Continue to disconnect with him. It would be beneficial for you to not know what he is doing and it really doesn't matter. You broke it off with him for valid reasons and your paths have split. This isn't a competition so there shouldn't be any comparisons. The comparisons only keep you stuck "tied to him" when you need to be independent.

If I remember correctly, wasn't he controlling and abusive? He is just looking for his next victim. He can not survive without someone to control so he can feel better about himself. They thrive on having someone feel lower than themselves to boost their own self esteem.

XH did this after I left him. We had been together 7 years, married for 4, he was out dating within a week of me telling him I wanted a divorced. He couldn't live for a day without having someone to abuse to make him feel better about himself.

I feel cheated. Cheated b/c he fed me so many big plans. He said we would get married, we would have a great life together. I had dreams of growing old together. I wanted to love and pamper him for the rest of our lives. I loved this man with every fiber in my body. Somewhere over the 4 years, he decided that it was more fun to have me as his gf than his wife.

He said that "marrying me would not benefit him in any way more than what he is getting now by having me as his gf."

Talking about why buy the cow...

OK so eventually I couldn't take it anymore. His controling ways, his constant accusations, his need to be able to know where I am at at all times, his bad, bad moods, and all this while I am struggling trying to make ends meet. He sold me on so many dreams and then just changed his mind. I had no other option but to protect my kids and me from further hurt. But I am hurting for what I thought our future would be. I feel sorry for him. I know he has noone else. He is out dating but what he doesn't realize is those women just see his fast cars and his money, they will run when they see he comes with his own baggage. Baggage I was willing to carry with him and that hurts...BAD.

ETA

Moo, I am NOT trying to check on him or much less compete. It was just a string of unfortunate (for me) instances where I either got a text from him that was not meant for me or that I saw him leaving "dressed to impress" in one of his fancy cars. I know him better than he knows himself.

We live a mile from each other (thanks to me moving to his city based on his promises) and so running into each other is unfortunately going to happen.

But yes, I am NOT trying to spy on him, much less compete!

Thank you guys for all your imput and yes jennie, he was controlling.

ETA

I just realized, my post IS comparing! I didn't see that at first! Thanks for opening my eyes to that Moo

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

EW,

Moo gives very good advice. This part of your journey is about you and discovering who you are without anyone else interfering with your progress.

It took courage to end the relationship with honesty and knowing that he was not good for you. It still hurts, because your heart hasn't caught up with your mind. One day it will, give it time. That's why it hurts so much to see him out.

I am 1 year out from an 8 year relationship. It does get better with work and discovery. there are things that have happened, where I wanted to share with him, or had the thought he should be here. I didn't text him, just sat with the feeling, imagined it with wings and let it go. It's a visualization technique that works for me.

Grieving what could have been, (the good) is the hardest part in all of this. But also be realistic.. picture the bad when you are grieving the future. The what could have been doesn't look so bad especially when you know (deep down) he would have gotten worse.

I hope one day you see yourself as we see you... a loving person who cares deeply about others and deserves to be treated with respect and love.

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:36 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Here's advice you penned May 1:

Maybe it's time to let go and move on with YOUR life. Work on letting go of the hate that consumes YOU! Let him be and work on becoming better. YOU need to get better. right now, you are consumed by hate. That is not good for YOUR health. I suggest a new therapist and if you have to go through 100 before you find "the one" then so be it. Second, I would get some self help books from the library and work on fixing myself. You deserve to have a good life. You can do it! Let go of hate and replace it with nurture for yourself.

Substitute the word "Expectations" for "hate" and ponder your own wisdom:

Maybe it's time to let go and move on with YOUR life. Work on letting go of the expectations that consumes YOU! Let him be and work on becoming better. YOU need to get better. right now, you are consumed by expectations. That is not good for YOUR health. I suggest a new therapist and if you have to go through 100 before you find "the one" then so be it. Second, I would get some self help books from the library and work on fixing myself. You deserve to have a good life. You can do it! Let go of expectations and replace it with nurture for yourself.

Baggage I was willing to carry with him and that hurts...BAD.

This struck a note with me.

Reminds me of a friend of mine. She dated the same boy for 3 years in HS and 2 years in college. He broke up with her. He had a disease that was not likely to affect him much until middle age. At that point it was likely to become debilitating. One of the things she said in her anguish over the break up is that she loved him and would have loved and taken care of him even when he got sick (his 'baggage'). Who else would do that? How could he be like this?

Well turns out his 'baggage' wasn't even in his decision making process. In fact her willingness to deal with was probably one of the things he didn't like.

But what stuck with me about this is 'Why?' Why even consider it after the break up? Its his problem now. It may be some other person's problem in the future. The whole situation with his disease had become part of the identity/character of their relationship. It actually wasn't healthy for either of them.

Your willingness to deal with his baggage is something you might want to think about. TG has a lot of emotional baggage. He's dealt with a lot of it in healthy ways. Some of it not so much. I have to remind myself often that I am not his therapist or his mom. He functions in a healthy way in the context of our relationship. However, if that baggage starts to spill over to much on our dynamic, I won't accept that.

Your XSO can be his own emotional bellhop. Clearly his baggage spilled over in to your relationship. blech!

His controling ways, his constant accusations, his need to be able to know where I am at at all times, his bad, bad moods, and all this while I am struggling trying to make ends meet. He sold me on so many dreams and then just changed his mind. I had no other option but to protect my kids and me from further hurt. But I am hurting for what I thought our future would be. I feel sorry for him. I know he has noone else. He is out dating but what he doesn't realize is those women just see his fast cars and his money, they will run when they see he comes with his own baggage.

My sister dated someone just like this! He promised her that her "sacrifices" in the relationship, like driving to see him nearly 4 hours every week-end would eventually lead in marriage, he even proposed with a ring, but took it back (the engagement and the ring). He was controlling and manipulating and said the right thing to keep her hanging on.

He has complete and total committement issues and it wasn't going to go away when "he met the right person". He was the problem...no one else.

Your EX sounds the same as this guy. he really did a number on my sister, and it took her a LONG time to really disconnect from him because he controlled her so much, but now she is so much happier without his sorry ass.

I took charge of my life. I am back in school, getting a career that feels like a vocation and not just a job, and I focused on being with my friends and enjoying my kids and otherwise living MY life. I took some time to grieve, of course, and probably made some of my friends sick of me going on about it but I got out there and found things that were meaningful to me, and challenges to try. Eventually he didn't matter so much any more, because my life was full and happy even without him...

Crying in IC and jumping back into dating are both coping mechanisms.

Focus on you. He's in your past, leave him there.

Ama,

Crying in IC and jumping back into dating are both coping mechanisms.

Question for you...

If both a coping mechanisms, then why am I hurting and he is having fun? Why the general advice of SI to NOT date right after a break up and not cover the pain by a new bf but go through the pain and work through it?

I am confused.

I said nothing about whether one or the other was healthy/not, effective/not. I thought that part was self explanatory. His methods mask the pain, yours work through them.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Oooh! Thanks Ama, I am just dense today and being in pain doesn't help. So in essence, I WILL come out stronger, he will come out same as he went in...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 1:31 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Seriously, focus on you. What he does, doesn't do, wants, thinks, feels - those things are 100% irrelevant. You deserve your own attention.