SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I WILL come out stronger, he will come out same as he went in...

Precisely.

Dr Phil: You can't heal what you don't feel.

He's not feeling - he's not healing. He's running away from himself. Even a child knows you can't run away from yourself.

There is no comparison.

Running away from himself? How so?

In HIS mind he did everything and more, although many times he said "well, sounds like you need to get yourself a better boyfriend."

I just don't understand...

Now I am just trying to heal.

Really, EW, stop thinking about him. It does not help your healing, so just stop. Who cares what is going through his head? Who cares if he heals or unravels? Really, who cares??

Do whatever you have to do to let go. This is not good for you.

In HIS mind he did everything and more, although many times he said "well, sounds like you need to get yourself a better boyfriend."

Pure mind fuckery(excuse my language). What he said as opposed to what he did does not matter, get your self emotionally healed, on your own, NC and no thinking about him or why he's dating, etc, because some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit. No relationship is perfect, but what you and your xbf had was not even close to having a respectful, equally loving relationship. The less you focus on him, the better you will be able to see the bigger picture.

[This message edited by Betrayal at 1:36 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit.

I can't even imagine what that would be like...

What probably hurts me most is that he promised we would get married and have an amazing life together and then he just changed his mind. He figured out that marrying me would not benefit HIM anymore than what he is "getting out of me now."

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 1:11 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

What probably hurts me most is that he promised we would get married and have an amazing life together and then he just changed his mind.

Remember liars lie...even if he didn't cheat on you, many of his behaviors parallel what so many of our WS did while with us, or after we left the relationship. They couldn't deal with things so they went and looked for someone else to help them ignore and avoid their issues and their pain. His promises of a marriage and that "amazing life" were empty promises because he is empty. He is trying to fill up his emptiness with new relationships. To the outside world, and the new women he dates, he may look like he has his shit together, but he really is just an empty shell.

TIME Sweetie, give yourself some time...

EW

This is so stupide but it sounds like you need to read 'he's just not that in to you'. There is a lot of crap in that book but I have to admit it changed my perspective.

Betrayal is right. But you can't meet that guy if you're hung up on 1) XSO 2)finding an H in general.

TG and I are almost 3 years in to our relationship. He still reminds and does things all the time to remind me of just how much he wants to be with me. You deserve that. This weekend TG is pissing of his boss, flying home early so he can drive several hours to go to an event my step dad invited him to attend. He's doing it b/c it means a lot to me. It is terribly inconvenient for TG. Heck I won't even be there. Don't settle for less. You did a good thing breaking up with him. Now don't sit around and give him any more energy.

He was really in to himself and what you could do for him and what he could get from you. He wasn't really in to you at all

There is a lot of crap in that book but I have to admit it changed my perspective.

Same here, that and Why Men Love Bitches, flame away but these 2 books really helped me stay focused on ME, and once you get in a habit of doing that your entire world gets better.

it sounds like you need to read 'he's just not that in to you'.

I swear, this should be required reading for New Beginnings members.

EW i'm sorry sbout what you are going through.., my friends bad advice to me was 'the best way to get over someone is to get onto someone else'.... Thats really bad advice as i said but for some it works... I have to go through the pain then i'm okay...

Hang in there you have done the right thing...

I'm sorry for your hard time, Amazonia. I had/have it too. What my IC said is that he had detatched eons ago but shared it with me.

He was simply going through the motions and pretending while trolling for a new situation, all the while knowing the pain he was going to inflict on me.

I suffer lonliness as well and daily think of him living with a whole other family-he's even taken on a father's role to another child...what kind of parent is that?

Yes, I believe you will come out stronger, as will I and they will come out with no changes, because at least Perv thinks he deserves his new life after staying in the marriage so long. Disgusting.

If your ExH is doing that level of dating, like Perv, I don't know if he's taking women or people seriously and just looking for a fix or new situation to entwine themselves in. Perv is thought to fuel his ego with other people and conquests and it is said he was tired of me and responsiblity. I don't know if that helps or will over time.

I'm sorry for your agony, for I feel it too. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and hope it's validating. It took me a few tries to find one who "gets me" and even sees gifts that I have that Perv closes his eyes too.

She said there is surely a man on this planet for all of us and one who will be appreciative of my type of person, and I believe that for you...and everyone.

Though I am engulfed by lonieless and there is not even another adult living at my house now, I don't want to land myself on someone and them to "clean up" the mess he left me in. I want to be past him, past D and all this crap, which they say will come. I don't want the next relationship -if I'm lucky enough to have one-to be tainted by this mess and I want the next guy to see who I really am and not this person bound by grief and agony.

Those are things that I wish for now.

I hope someday, when time has gone by, that you will understand how good it is that you didn't marry this man who could just walk away from everything. It doesn't seem like it now, but now you know, in a way, what he's capable of.

I'm sorry.

Correction: detatched but not shared it with me.

Ashland, I am sorry you are hurting...

Ashland, am I correct in assuming you meant to direct your comments to EW, not me?

Ama, that's what I am thinking too...

Can totally relate to this. I know my EX WH isn't right for me but as soon as I told him I'd never sleep with him again he was on the hookup sites and dating his socks off.

He's now been "seeing someone" for 3 months (he's already cheated on her, by the way), and our divorce only finalised in February.

I've met a few people, had the odd coffee but I know damn well I would not be ready for a "proper" relationship yet.

Some people are simply emotionally void.

Breakups are tough. No question.

However, this was far from a healthy relationship. The controlling alone sent up more red flags than China. And really, why would you want to be with someone who had so little regard for you and your feelings.

In my opinion, focusing on marriage and a substitute father for your children is the wrong way to go about this. It will lead to you attaching to anyone, not THE one.

Right now, you are going through "the pain of being reborn" as the Duchess of York put it. She is a general hot mess, but she was right with this one.

You will come out of this with emotional health, perspective and a good knowledge of who you are and what you want and--more importantly--what you will not settle for.

The work you do now will pay off for years to come. If you chose your ex's method, you will never really heal and you will bring brokenness and baggage into all new relationships.

Speaking of baggage, we all have it. But IC will help you whittle it down to carry on size. That is huge.

Stop focusing on him and focus on you.

Cat

focusing on marriage and a substitute father for your children is the wrong way to go about this

I agree with you Cat, but this is the same man who went to several "parade of homes" talked to me about what I would do different in our home when we move in together. He sold me on the idea of us getting married and four years is not a short time so it's not like I just ran to the next available guy. I really loved him and more importantly BELIEVED him!

I now am to the point in my life where marriage is out of the question. I will NOT allow another man to hurt my kids again. First my ex-h, then my ex-bf who told the kids about us getting married...

Okay, I went and looked at your timeline just to make sure I got things straight.

Your ex left June 2011. It is now May 2013, but you had a 4-year relationship with the former SO?

My take? You would really benefit greatly from taking some time to concentrate on you and more importantly what messages you are sending to your children. How can you have a 4-year relationship when a milestone in your timeline is that your ex left in 2011. It is difficult for me to get straight with the logistics here. And no doubt it is confusing to your kids and also to anyone you were seeing before June of 2011.

Someone who is really into you backs up words with actions. I suspect there was an enormous disconnect between his words and his deeds.

Cat