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I told him that I was going to talk to lawyers about filing for D. I found out about another affair a week ago. He didn't make it to two years of marriage and I was having is baby

His text:

I am sorry for everything. Even though I think your decision is wrong and very selfish I will respect it. It was wrong and selfish decisions of mine that got us here. I will forever regret those. You think I cheated you out of your life and yet you are cheating me out of my life plus the ones I love. I feel I no longer have a purpose in life. An opportunity to show you how much love I have for you is all I have asked for. I don't understand why that is asking so much. I never saw how negative my actions would affect others. I hope that you look at that and reconsider your decision that will devastate all of us. I love you and only you. Please have a heart and let us live

It is practically impossible to comment on someone's intent, but I will tell you that I get comments like this sometimes - and with my WH, they are mostly 'woe is me' kind of stuff.

I don't know about your husband.

I think one way to know if he is 'for real' in what he texted you is to continue with your plans to file for D. Tell him that you will watch his actions and let that 'tell' you what you need to know.

But then again, I don't know him and how he 'works'.

I wish you the best, and HUGS to you!

Dear Broken:

Are you looking for analysis confirming that this is an utterly selfish, self-centered, remorseless, only sorry he got caught, resentful, and manipulative message? Have you already reached that conclusion yourself? I suspect that you already know how inappropriate every word was. If you are looking for confirmation, consider it confirmed. You are selfish for divorcing a cheater??? This puts you two on equal moral ground? It's a little like a kidnapper complaining that the legal system did the same thing to him by putting him in jail. On a scale of one to a hundred on the "doesn't get it and never will scale", this is 100

ITA with quoth. If I had received this text, it would only confirm to me what an asshole the person is. Is there one WORD of acknowledgement of the pain his behavior has caused? Anything about YOU? The guy had two years to show you how much he loved you. I guess he showed you! (Remember the SI mantra: actions, not words / words are easy, actions are hard.)

I'm so sorry. Carry on with D.

ITA with quoth. If I had received this text, it would only confirm to me what an asshole the person is. Is there one WORD of acknowledgement of the pain his behavior has caused? Anything about YOU? The guy had two years to show you how much he loved you. I guess he showed you! (Remember the SI mantra: actions, not words / words are easy, actions are hard.)

I'm so sorry. Carry on with D.

"I I I mine I I me my I I I I I I I my I I"

That's all I see when I read his text. He thinks YOUR decision is wrong and selfish????? Really?

Your decision is not what is going to "devastate all of us." HIS ACTIONS are the source of the devastation. My thoughts are that he is a selfish asshole who can't stand the thought of you moving on and taking care of yourself. I saw a grumpy cat meme a couple of weeks ago that summed up my feelings. "If you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I would drink it."

Tried to edit to add spaces between all of the "I"s but it won't work. He wrote "I" FOURTEEN times in that text.

And a total of 4 variations of "me" "Mine" or "My".

[This message edited by HFSSC at 9:57 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Okay, wow. Wow. The fact that he didn't know how "negative" his cheating on you would affect you should be taken into consideration? If you set fire to someone would you be excused for not thinking it would hurt them? Really?

IMHO he has a whole lot of growing up to do. I would not consider R with this man at this stage.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

You gave him the opportunity to show you how much he loved you when you married him.

He shit allllll over that.

And now he is calling YOU selfish for refusing to put up with a serial cheating husband?

That's not selfish..it's healthy.

FTG.

I responded to him:

So what you are saying in a nutshell is that you are sorry and I am a cold hearted bitch that is ruining your life and the kids and I should feel terribly guilty and stay married to you no matter how much you lie or hurt me? That is how I read your email. Manipulating me into staying with you.

His response:

I said that I think you are making the wrong decision. I have no choice but to respect your decision. I still think it is wrong and will hurt everyone involved. I made terrible mistakes and wish I could erase them. I want to make a good life for all of us. You will do whatever you decide. If we divorce it will cause tremendous pain just as bad or worse than I caused. I want to fix things so there is no more pain for anyone. You are acting out of anger and negative emotions. Two wrongs don't make a right. Let us correct our marriage instead of throwing it away. Sorry I am so stubborn on all of this. Anything and everything of value in my life rides on your decision. Please consider the alternative of working things out.

Gently now ~~~

Oh FUCK THAT GUY! Selfish, crybaby, loser A-Hole!!!

eta: and a serial cheater, just like my stbxwh. The only thing that will change in this scenario is that you aren't taking the crap anymore.

Cheating is what he does.

[This message edited by MyReturn2Me at 10:26 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Everything quoththeraven1 said..

He is blame shifting. He's acting like he didn't make a choice in his decisions before, and like he doesn't have a choice how he acts now. I call major bullshit..

I'm so sorry, but it really sounds like he wants out of this relationship, but he wants it to be your fault instead of his. I see no promises there of what he would do to make things better or make up for what he did. He only wants to throw the blame around until it sticks anywhere but him..

I would say you can't even reason with him at this stage. My advice would be to go dark. I swear, it's like we keep telling them the sky is blue, and they keep trying to convince us it's green. All this gas lighting and blame shifting is crazy making, so for your sanity, it's best not to engage at all. He knows its his fault, he just doesn't want to admit it..

NC, 180, and I would advise you to continue on with your plan to talk to a lawyer. Perhaps he will wake the hell up, snap out of the fog, and start promising and actually doing things to take responsibility and make up for what he did. But if he continues to come at you with blaming and anger and hatred and bullshit reasons why this is your fault instead of his, then he has no remorse and talking to a lawyer was the best next move..

Big hugs..

Please - divorce this jerk. He obviously does not get it. Your leaving because he cheated and ruined your life forever is not the same as his cheating. HE DID THIS.

PERIOD.

See a lawyer, get half the money, go no contact and kick him to the curb. If you don't the rest of your life will be like this. Is that what you want???

Do you want our thoughts in order to confirm what you know: that he's a man who's as far from getting it as can be? Or are you hoping that one of us sees some potential for a healthy reconciliation with him?

If the former, I can tell you that this text rivals some of the worst of the pathologically me-me-me!-centric stuff my personality-disordered ex came up with.

If the latter, I have nothing, other than perhaps to point out that, given your recent membership on the site, you're in early days---and it is possible for a foggy WS to come around, with time, to become a safe, reliable spouse. It takes hard, hard work----and a VERY motivated WS.

You do not have that very motivated WS yet. Will you? I don't know. You can't live life on what might be, though.

Proceed with your plans. Filing is not irreversible. If your husband really wants to become the husband you deserve, and is intent on proving this to you, he will, whether you've consulted with an attorney and filed, or not.

If he's willing to do the hard work to become a better man, to move forward with you constructively in life, he will.

Only IMO, he doesn't fully understand what he has done, only that it has affected him negatively. It is almost as if he is saying that he thought that having an affair is no big deal and you would just accept it but now he understand why you would want to take his family away as a result. I would continue with the D. Like another said if you want to give him a chance to redeem himself while continuing the paperwork . But make sure that it is about you and making it up to you, not to make him feel better.

Good Luck

I, you're wrong, you're very selfish, I, I, I, me, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

"devestate all of us"

ummmm... no, not you.

14 I's in 12 sentences.

Oh, and you filing for a divorce is the same as his cheating? I think not.

I think a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be very hard for you." Is more than enough. You could throw in a "It's hard sometimes to face the consequences of our actions."

Ha! I didn't see HF's response before I wrote mine.

So there you go. Two votes for that one.

You're not taking his family away either. He'll still see his kids. I think you're taking yourself and some of his spending money away, but we all know what he spends it on, so whatever.

Dear Broken&C, Your husband has many, many addictive behaviors. He may not be drinking, but he obviously didn't take his treatment seriously as he was using women, unhealthily, to self-soothe while in treatment!!! This is so against the 12 step principles! What you have on your hands is a dry-drunk that has many more addicitons. Until he learns healthy ways to cope, entertain and amuse himself, he continues to be an abusive mess.

For you this has been a 14 year disaster in the making. He blames you, yet verbalizes that things are his fault. You can't have both!!! Either it is his fault, or it isn't, period.

He tells you that he is trying because he has a job and isn't drinking. Oh, for Pete's sake!!! How really special, right? The rest of the world has a job and doesn't drink to addiction, but he should be rewarded for doing the bare minimum that a responsible adult does? Nope, he doesn't get a gold star!

Considering his thought patterns and behavior you will never be able to give him enough attention, "put out" enough, or have a Holy enought M (WTF?) for him to be faithful and responsible.

As to you thinking that your resentments causing your husband's affiars, it is just stinking thinking! Your husband failed to provide, was lazy, disrespectful, crude, accusatory, drunk, a womanizer, a philanderer, and adulterer and a porn imbibing fool. If ANYONE deserved to have an affair it would have been you.

The fact that he equates your action of divorce to be as damaging as all of what he has, and hasn't done, is mind blowing! Obviously this man hasn't hit bottom yet. If the divorce action hasn't woken him up, completely, nothing will! NOTHING!

Your husband doesn't even accept responsibility for his harmful behaviors in conversation, how can you possibly expect him to accept repsonsibility and change his behavior? You can't! If he doesn't change how he thinks, nothing changes.

As to his claim that everyone will hurt worse because of the divorce? Stinking thinking on his part. It is like cancer, it must be excised and treated before one can consider themselves on the path to healing. I know this to be true. He hasn't just harmed you he has jeopardized everything that you hold dear, your mental and physical health, your heart, your children and their lifestyles and developing attitudes, and your childrens' and your peace of mind. Considering that he hasn't changed, your only recourse is to excise the rotten, stinking disease.

He is gas lighting and blame shifting you big time. Don't fall for it. You did not ruin the family, he did. He just doesn't like that he now has consequences for his actions. He says he is sorry and then in the next sentence he is blaming you. If he thinks he has no purpose in life then he has not looked at what he needs to do to fix himself. Until he does, the marriage will not survive. His actions are what matters. His words are just bullshit, yada, yada, yada. It is all about him and his feelings. He doesn't care how this affected you and his kids. Comparing filing for D, like it is the same as his affair is bullshit. He doesn't know or care how you feel. He only cares about his feelings. You need to 180 and quit contact until(if)he proves he s working on himself. (((HUGS)))

Did he really say "Two wrongs don't make a right"???

Really?

But fucking anything that moves, does?

FTG.