SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sorry, double post!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

OK, so I don't need to point out my stupidity!

Sorry for the double post! Make that a triple post!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:04 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

"F" that guy (or girl)

Oh. Thank you wonderboy. I see now why it is always in all caps.

My recommendation to hurtyetstrong would be to let her WH know that she is fully willing to work on the M (along with any and all M issues raised by him) subsequent to dealing with the A issue first. Her WH's points about the M may have been legitimate at one point, but his choice to cheat has resulted in a new issue taking precedence. At some point down the road, the M issues will have to be addressed.

Honestly this is where my head is right now. It took a lot for me to reach the point that I'm contemplating divorce. But I feel it's only fair to my kids to give him an honest shot at working things out. However, until the affair(s) is/are dealt with, I can't see myself 'owning my issues'. I need to see some true remorse and transparency first.

The evidence I have is from his email, facebook and phone records. I hesitate to show him as I know once I do that he'll try to cover his tracks.

slight t/j:

Im sorry but I have to say something. I apologize,OP.

Is it hard to R with a bisexual man? YES! But it really upsets me when I read members saying it is not possible. Please. It is not impossible. I am doing it. it's hard,it's Hell,but my husband loves me and is faithful to me. Fidelity is a choice. he is choosing to be faithful..he is choosing me.

I would imagine trying to R with a man who told another woman he loved her,had sex with her,etc,etc,would be incredibly painful..but I would never tell anyone it's not possible.

ANYTHING is possible if your WS is remorseful,owns their shit,and wants to make the marriage work.

My R looks very much like most SI members R looks. There are just different aspects.

sorry for the t/j.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

ANYTHING is possible if your WS is remorseful,owns their shit,and wants to make the marriage work.

Absolutely, and that is one of the keys to successful reconciliation. The other key is whether Hurts can accept what she has found and still reconcile.

I will admit that I didn't read it 100% because to be quite honest, the fact that he put all those people into a VERY private, personal, and intimate email concerning your marriage just BAFFLED me to no end.

Who involves basically every possible person in something that they have no business in??

As a fWS, i can tell you all he just spewed into his 'carefully thought out email to the whole world' was the longest most text book gaslighting email i have ever tried to read.

He's basically saying that because you didnt do/were/are/whatever for him, that gave him the justification to cheat.

You know what his email should have said to you and the world??

"Dear my loving Hurtyetstrong,

I am an ass, I know that we had a lot of marital issues but I weakly choose to be a selfish ass enter into the land of rainbows with unicorns that fart sparkles and cheat on you with Mrs. Glitterpuss. I am so sorry that I hurt you and I pray to all that is good in this world that you will be willing to walk with me as I make it my daily goal to make you happy and bring trust back into our relationship"

What he just slammed you with is "its not all my fault, you made me cheat"....

(((HYS)))

If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.

This statement stuck out for me, and I really, really, REALLY don't like it. (I heard it too. He only means it until child support is being determined).

I don't see any good reason to say it other than to be a narcissistic/passive/aggressive asshole. He means it? He doesn't mean it and is trying to hurt you? He's shooting an arrow at your parents? For loving your children??

I can see where a wife could lean too heavily on her parents and that could be one of the marital issues, but to me that means she wasn't able to fully trust her husband, and I CANNOT STAND the lack of appreciation for a grandparent loving a grandchild and helping out where and when they can. And now he admits he doesn't love the children enough and just wants to run away?? OMG, Fuck This Guy up one way and down the other for all his blameshifting and rationalizing..

I feel there needs to be alot to discuss and worked out regardless of marriage or divorce.

Seems to me that you both have alot of resentment towards one another.

An A is not the solution and what he has done is a reflection of himself not you. That is his to carry 100%.

However, the marriage and from what I read has a history of non communication on both sides.

From what I read, he has tried to express to you his feelings to have them set aside when you would go to your family to talk about it instead of directly to him who you should of went to fist. Also, I would never allow a family member or my mother to speak to my wh that way. So, I really hope you have not. That is digrading and it hurts deep to someone who is looking at you for support as a wife.

Also, I don't know if some are not seeing that you have spoken to all the people he emailed. So he is trying to tell his side of the MARRIAGE problems. There is always to side to a story. It was not fair to him that you did that as it is not fair that he sent a email to all of them also.

This is between you and your husband not everyone in the family. They should be there to support you but not have a say in what happens.

I think you both need to really sit down and talk abotu what it is that you are going to do instead of this back and forth thing with everyone else involved.

He had the A, that is his to own up to and if you have the proof you need to share it. That text he sent speaks volumes. And no matter how much you complained or could have been the most shittist wife ever, that is no excuse to have an A.

However, like I said, I would not involve your little children or use them as pods against one another when one of you is pissed off at the other, and I would not let your parents be involved or disrepect either of you in your choice.

You two are very young and I really hope you two work this out. Best of luck.

I can see where a wife could lean too heavily on her parents and that could be one of the marital issues, but to me that means she wasn't able to fully trust her husband, . . .

Butterflygirl, I think us BSs lean towards supporting other BSs, and that is good.

However, I think your statement may be quite a reach. A wife going to her parents, rather than her husband, isn't necessarily a sign that her husband isn't trustworthy.

However, until the affair(s) is/are dealt with, I can't see myself 'owning my issues'. I need to see some true remorse and transparency first.

Honey, regardless, you have to own your own shit. It will not work if you don't change either. You can't expect him to want to change if you will not change either.

Alphakitte...your post just triggered me and I reacted. I apologize. I misread what you had posted.

Alphakitte...your post just triggered me and I reacted. I apologize. I misread what you had posted.

No harm. I figured as much, but thanks for the comment! Hugs to you!

I can no longer pretend that your family does not like me.

My only question is, why has he been pretending that your family does not like him?

If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.

That statement bothered me, too.

I have been constantly raising my voice lately at you because of your carefree attitude.

This one bothered me just as much. He is blaming your attitude for constantly raising his voice at you???

I'm worried for you, hurt. He does blame you for his A, and he doesn't even admit to what's gone on.

Take care of yourself.

From what I read, he has tried to express to you his feelings to have them set aside when you would go to your family to talk about it instead of directly to him who you should of went to fist. Also, I would never allow a family member or my mother to speak to my wh that way. So, I really hope you have not. That is digrading and it hurts deep to someone who is looking at you for support as a wife.

I had already decided to leave him which is why I opened up to my parents. The funny thing is for the longest they have noticed my demeanor and that I'm not happy and kept asking me what's wrong. I did not confide in them as I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in the marriage. I do agree that married couples should have a limit of what they share with family and friends. The funny thing is, he complained about what I tell my parents, however he told them wayyyyy more than I ever did with his email.

I actually agree with him on some of these points. The infidelity is by far not our only trial to get through. However, I feel like he wants to just gloss over the affairs and focus on other issues. However I feel like whatever caused him to stray in the first place also plays a huge factor in our other issues. So I want to see him put effort towards fixing that first, and THEN I'll work on meeting him halfway.

I should add that his uncle used to beat his wife, his father is a serial cheater (recently admitted he's had several girlfriends throughout his 45+ year marriage) his cousin used to be physically abused by her husband and would have stayed had he not left her because she couldn't conceive. Basically they don't believe in divorce AT ALL. But I feel they have a history of glossing over issues and pretending everything's fine on the surface - our marriage is beginning to follow that pattern and I feel we're a turning point to either split up or create a better relationship.

A wife going to her parents, rather than her husband, isn't necessarily a sign that her husband isn't trustworthy.

I agree. I still think it's a sign that the wife wasn't fully trusting him, whether he was trustworthy or not. Perhaps I am only thinking of my own story here since I see similarities, so this is just based on my experience.. I think there should be a healthy balance of the wife cutting the strings to her family and the husband stepping up and making her feel secure.

If the email has truth, then I agree that there were a lot of communication breakdowns and perhaps not enough protecting the marriage (as in telling mom to back off).

For me, I think it goes back to our own families of origin and the differences in expectations. My family is very close and I had an amazing childhood. Him? Not so much, not even close, so perhaps I was leaning too heavily on my family for the right way to raise my children and not trusting him enough that he had good ideas (which turns out to be accurate in my case as I'm dealing with a second possible DCF case and lots of inappropriateness).

Perhaps his statement was a complaint that he doesn't feel needed as a father, but I still don't like the attitude of "Fine, I give up on my children." That would NEVER come out of my mouth..

Lots of hugs to you hurtyetstrong. I'm sure that was a lot to take in at once. I agree that giving up your evidence could make him cover his tracks better, and the last thing you want him doing is going further underground at this point.. Sending you strength..

Hurt,

So your wh never was shown how to treat a woman or a wife? I have that also. The men in my wh are the same pretty much and what is strange to me is that they were all raised by woman. But they treat woman pretty badly.

I did not know that it was after your choose to leave him that you told your parents. So now I see why you told them.

I still feel you two have a shot at it as long as he is forthcoming and you guys work on one issuse at a time.

I maintain that I have never been physical with another woman but I have spoken to other women on the phone, indulging in inappropriate subject matter, I also communicated with woman via skype.

I maintain?? Liar speak for I did it, but I said I didn't and I am going to keep saying that. This statement does not say I never touched, would never touch, etc. I says I said I never did this how dare you not believe me!!

told you all this, saying this was my way of at least feeling desired, I asked you to try improving our sex life but you’ve done nothing. I asked you that so I could stop, the other women were all filling a void left by you.

followed immediately by what I did do, WAS YOUR FAULT. And once you discovered the horrible deep intense betrayal his answer is FUCK ME MORE SO I CAN STOP GETTING IT WITH OTHER WOMEN?????

I am so angry on your behalf... Please don't read all that and think that you are in any way any where close to a conversation that has any remorse or hope in it.

And after all of the BS and chewing glass painful blah blah blah, he says

With all I have said as relates to your mom, I still think she has the best intentions but just needs to stay out of our marriage which I don’t think is possible.

It certainly isn't possible NOW as he has included her and the whole rest of the world on this attack. IRONY much? He is an oxyMORON empahsis moron.

As for his text to your brother, this is classic isolation technique. If your brother had responded in any way other than he did, you might have felt betrayed by your brother. You would hear all kinds of "even your brother agrees that you are unreasonable, don't meet a man's needs, etc." Feeding his opinions to you via OTHERS that you should trust is classic foggy wayward behavior to justify their cheating. KUDOS to your brother!

I am too hard on DD1 and I do yell at you,

This statement makes me the most uncomfortable. How abusive is he truly that even his delusional double speak deny deny deny says he is too hard on a toddler???

Don't be confused. Focus on a life of financial and physical security with or without him in it.

oh, and his threat to "abandon" his kids that he loves above all else if you divorce him?? yeah, way to go dad. FTG. pitiful double speak excuse giving martyr seeking foggy fuckhead.

(((hurtyetSTRONG))) I think you go by hystrong, focus on the strong part right now.