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He wants a committee to decide who is right and wrong here. FTG. He is a big boy, he joined the service. If he went in as enlisted when he had a Master's degree, that is on him and the recruiter, not you...continuing on down through his rant and it gets no better. Whine, whine, whine.

Hon, serve him papers. This is way too ugly and only heading further south. Run.

[This message edited by momentintime at 6:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

I grew up with a father like this - don't do it to yourself and don't do it to your girls.

Ditto. Except my father didn't cheat. Think about your children, please!

I would like to point out to this man that working hard and taking care of your family is what you are supposed to do. wife or husband, you do everything you can to make the family happy and well taken care of.

As to the rest, sure - I am sure that at some point he had some concerns about the marriage. The rest of it is manipulative, selfish, self serving and immature.

I am deeply concerned that he took the time to write that bumph and actually thought out a long list of people to send it to.

I wish you all the best with R.

I'd spend a good long while healing myself. I would not even entertain any ideas of a future with him unless he spends a good long while making steady progress in IC.

(Having trouble using the 'quote' function on my phone) I just got him to agree to MC, and have been trying to get in with a counselor asap. I'm not sure I could get him to do IC. More importantly I want to see some full disclosure about his cheating, splashed. With a dash of remorse. I have a strong feeling it will take me leaving him for him to de-fog and once that happens I don't see myself coming back...

I just read your profile.

Between the incidents in your profile and this letter, I think it is probably in your best interest to go NC and continue to look at your options with your lawyer.

That letter was damage control. He knows that his little game is about to be over and he panicked.

Soliciting sex online, especially CL is some serious fringe behavior. It is deliberate, reckless and dangerous. If he is seeking sex on CL, regardless of the gender, then you can safely bet that the actual number of encounters he has had is much greater than what you know about.

He has a problem.

I bet that someone with a problem, a secret life and desires that they must hide is not pleasant to live with. The stress that they are under to hide probably oozes out in other undesirable behaviors in the M - they're neglectful, they yell, they're unreliable, moody, they lie, etc. Do not take any ownership of any of these behaviors. It has nothing to do with you. This is not "your shit".

Honestly I didn't see anything in his letter that was "your shit". I just saw someone who was complaining about the choices he made. Everything else was bullshit, I mean really...he thinks that you being in your PJ's is a major enough offense that it needed to be included in this letter but him trolling for sex with strange men and/or women on CL did not?

Seriously FTG.

[This message edited by phillygirl at 5:16 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

I'm not sure I could get him to do IC.

You can't get him to do anything. He has to want it. And it sounds like he wants to protect his secret life, more than he wants to be a healthy person in a healthy marriage.

Are you prepared to continue acting as his facade, so that he can appear to be an upstanding family man? Since he is still protecting his "secrets" he most likely intends to continue partaking of that life-style. Otherwise he would come clean, and want to get help.

I think you need to stay the course, and pursue a future without him.

I think you should stick to your exit plan.

You can not fix him. Let go of the outcome...you have no control over it anyway. Don't serve papers in hopes that he will defog. Though that sometimes does serve as a wake up call for many.

Do it because you deserve to live a whole healthy life. Why not take control of your own future? You deserve to feel safe, and loved in a healthy way.

Right now you can only take care of you. Let him take care of him...and know that he may choose not to do so.

((hugs)) to help you through this difficult journey

That letter was damage control. He knows that his little game is about to be over and he panicked.

I dont know who said it, but its the truth:

He know's what buttons to push and when because he's the one that installed them.

he know's how to use your heart against you. He knows that you are a good person, so he's using that to control the situation.

MC is great - but my guess is that he will only play the game to make you think that he's doing the work, and then go back to his ways after you come home and whatnot.

He shouldnt have to be asked to go to MC or IC. He shouldnt have to be asked to no NC with CL or any other internet stuff.

Going to MC with an unremoresful WS is tricky and can be even more stressful topped with a waste of time and money.

I triggered so badly reading your Husbands email. There are so many similarities right down to the military life for part of our marriage, the dissatisfaction with being enlisted, the constant search for a career that would make him "happy". Bottom line is, he was never going to be happy because he can't find happiness within... it has to be externally validated for him. No person can make another person happy and he made that my job.

I haven't had time to read but just a couple of responses so forgive me if this is redundant because it's already been said but this guy is trouble. I sense that he has always been this way with you and as a result has worn you down and created self-doubt and self-esteem issues for you to make it difficult for you to see what you need to do.

It reminds me so much of the type conversations that my husband would have. It was these type of conversations that made me feel like the crazy one. Yet deep down on some level I just knew it wasn't right and it felt like abuse. I've never felt like I was being abused by anyone else in my life except him. Eight years out from my divorce I now realize how terribly verbally and emotionally abused I was.

He used to these very type of arguments to keep me in the marriage for 13 years while he led the life of a serial cheater.

Your husband has actually taken it a step further by attempting to neutralize your support system. I guess he thinks he can influence them into thinking like he does.

I hope you will have the strength to escape this situation. I know I don't sound very hopeful for reconciliation, but I found all the attempts at R in my marriage just circled right back around again because really he didn't want to change, he wanted me to.

Your spouse wants you to see what an awesome provider he is and how everything he does isfor the good of the family. Mine did the same thing but the truth was he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and wanted me to see it as the right thing for the family. Looking back now I recognize what a selfish asshole he was.

When I read that email I picture my husband and let's just say I don't like him one bit.

IMO, IC is absolutely essential for him.

I read a lot of manipulation in the email, but what mot sticks out for me is his pain.

I think he's thrashing around thinking he's done a lot of what he's supposed to do, but his life is still shitty, and he's simply at a loss WRT stopping the pain. He's blame-shifting, yes, but he just can't get himself to see that he's his own worst enemy.

He won't be able to be a good partner unless he deals with his pain and figures out how to change his life. He almost definitely won't be able to do that without help, and the most likely source of help is IC.

Totally agree with you SISOON!! I hear years of pain, which is quite often the case when we are touched by infidelity of a spouse.

In order to move on, all issues must be addressed. Not only his issues that caused him to think the affairs were acceptable, but the problems in the marriage prior to the affair. It is all part of reconciliation.

It is raw and painful but better for all in the long run.

That email was stunning! I know that you have a long road ahead of you full of serious problems with this man and for this I'm truly sorry for you, so please forgive my distraction with your brother.

...”Hey bruh, call me when you can. Out of respect I will talk to you about what I think is best for me and hurtyetstrong. I am seriously considering divorce.” His response was...”Did you really send me this?”

Your brother thought his response to WH's 3 sentences was sufficient enough to send the message that he didn't want to hear about your personal business from him. Apparently your brother was wrong.

After WH receives brother's response to his 3 sentences, WH then sends brother a generous book in return! I'm not making light of your situation but I can't help myself from trying to visualize your brother's reaction to the email.

How did your brother and the rest of the family who received this mass email respond? It wouldn't surprise me if they opted not to respond directly to him but they must have given their opinion to you.

Your wh's letter is very disturbing. I couldn't even finish it. It's creepy and very manipulative. Personally, I would run not walk away from this guy.

There is more going on here, he needs psychiatric help.

So, take care of yourself and kids and let him go. Hopefully, your family will see through this bull and support you.

Thank you all for responses. I'm so thankful for this community because I can talk about everything with a neutral party that is not emotionally connected to my situation. My head is upside down and inside out, probably due to years of manipulation at the hands of WH. It feels good to be validated that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. I'm trying to be strong but also smart. I am a Christian and ask for prayer from those that feel led.

Again thank you all for the support.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ProxyRecruitment.html

The above is what your WH did to you. He's recruited, or at least tried, your entire social support system to back him up in emotionally abusing you. This is seriously twisted & malevolent. My STBX also did this to me. He recruited my own parents into assisting him with abusing me & keeping me down. He tried to turn our church against me.

I will pray for you, especially because you asked for it. My STBX used my faith against me. He twisted the Scriptures, plus my own misunderstanding on what constituted my Biblical "duty", and I stayed in bondage for many years. ((((HUGS))))

ETA:

http://storage.cloversites.com/abuserecoveryministryservices/documents/Couples%20Counseling%20and%20DV.pdf

I think it's important that you know going into MC with a partner who is emotionally/psychologically abusing you is very unwise. From the attached list the following numbered items were reasons why our MC was not successful: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 7:05 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

How did your brother and the rest of the family who received this mass email respond? It wouldn't surprise me if they opted not to respond directly to him but they must have given their opinion to you.

I honestly haven't discussed it with my brother as he's in the midst of a cross-country move. (Yet another reason he didn't want to get involved) also I had never talked to him about my marital issues so to him this all came from left field.

My parents didn't respond at all. They are just worried about my emotional state and want to make sure I'm okay. His family members reached out to apologize on his behalf but also to provide 'advice' - which essentially would have been work on your communication, you need to stay married, blah, blah, blah. I didn't answer their calls as that is part of WH's manipulation game.

Logically I know I should leave WH, but my emotions won't let me.

Oh Hurt. So many hugs.

I got to the bit about being in your pj's and I wanted to rip his balls off. I really did.

I can only imagine what years of exposure to the kind of... (I am search for words that adequately sum up the level of bullshit and am finding it hard) complete and utter mind-numbing DRIVEL interspersed with emotional abuse and manipulation would do to a person!

You are finding it hard to leave because you are in a thoroughly abuse relationship and your mind has been twisted into knots. You are not thinking with the clarity and logic that can only be gained from escaping that kind of environment. You are still trapped in the toxic relationship fog.

Please seek counseling to help you clear the poisonous fumes enough for you to escape.

Huge hugs.

I didn't even need to read to the end Run as fast as you can. I am so sorry

actually this has made me grin a little bit as sad as it is "Hurtyetstrong, like I've said before I think that you need to stop telling people outside our marriage about what’s going on and focus on fixing our issues. "

Hasn't he just copied 2 entire families on this email???

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 12:10 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]