SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I dont even know where to begin but I want to get this all out. Very long story short... in 2006 H had a 7 month long A with a coworker when I was pregnant with our first child. I found out when son was a few weeks old. He said she was his soulmate. I calld his workplace and exposed the A. I called his boss, who had been to our wedding, to tell him. I called the OW several times. She seemed to get off on the drama. H agreed to do counseling for about 2 years and we agreed to work on. Open everything to rebuild trust, no contact with OW. He finally got a point where he was ashamed, admitted it was just lust, not love, and wanted to be with me. Through therapy he was encouraged to go to sex addict meetings and he did fairly regularly.

In 2011 I discovered a phone call to some sort of strange escort/prostitution service from a craigslist ad that my husband had called on sweetest day (that same day he told me that he would agree to try for a second child but he thought i should lose weight first). He lied and denied but finally broke down and admitted he called but didnt go beyond a phone call. We was so ashamed, so sorry. He cried, finally admitted to having been molested by a male classmate at school when he was 8 and maybe that was why he did this and looked at porn obsessively? He went back to therapy on his own and back to the SA meetings for another 8 months and then stopped.

I thought we made it over that bump and things got "back to normal." 2012 was a really tough year. Both of us had miserable job situations, money was tight, house needed many repairs. A lot of stress. We were both in a bit of a depression and pulling away from each other into our own little worlds, busy with work and raising our child, and zoning at after work and wasting time online instead of talking to each other. In Feb 2013 he was told he might lose his job. We leaned on each other and supported each other. I felt so close to him, closer than we had been in months. I believe the stress of it all led to his latest A, falling off the SA wagon and, I believe, just about hitting rock bottom. He got heavy into a strict diet and workout plan. Has lost about 60 pounds...spending a lot of time out of the house either running or at gym(textbook cheating right?). In May 2013 he told me he was unhappy, hadnt been happy for years, and didnt want to be with me. He didnt move it. I begged him to give me a chance. He said it wouldnt matter, he was done. But we continued living together, sleeping together and being intimate about 2x a week, sometimes more. I started seeing a therapist on my own. H refuses to go.

On June 7, 2013 I discovered that I could see which numbers he was texting on our cell phone bill and found out that in february/march his texting jumped from an average of 100-300 per month to almost 5000 per month to the same number form the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed, pretty much every few minutes, all day long. I knew who it was from checking the number against his contacts...a 25 year old coworker (I am 37, H is 34). They actually work in separate offices but used to work together. I called him right away to confront and said I know, its over NOW. I called OW and left several messages for her telling her its over, it stops today, hes lying to her too, were still having sex often, etc etc. I wanted to know where they had been meeting...he confessed to going to her apartment once, and the rest of the times at their office building after hours in empty conference rooms. I messaged their coworkers and told them what i knew. I called both of their bosses and told them about the constant texting throughout the workdays. My hope was to expose the affair, pop the bubble on the fantasy, and try to get H out of "the fog." I also called his mom and sister. Hoping someone could try to talk some sense into him.

They havent been fired yet but I think it might happen. OW hasnt contacted H since June 7 as far as I know. H is punishing me for that...being very angry, cold, hateful. He says he still wants to be with her and would rather be alone than with me. He has been sleeping in the basement but last night I told him to leave. He slept at another coworkers home, a female coworker who lives with her boyfriend. I immediately called him back and begged him to come home to his wife and child. He is being unapologetic this time around. Not sorry. Not ashamed. I want him to go to a therapist with or without me and back to an SA meeting. He says no way. He doesnt want to.

So here I am. I desperately want to reconcile. I want to work on it. He has thrown in the towel. I dont know what to do. We have a 7 yr old son who sobbed in my arms last night because daddy wasnt sleeping at home. H basically has nowhere to go...says he will come home for son but not for me! But really he doesnt want to be here, he says.

I dont buy it...I dont buy the whole "im so unhappy story." I see this as part of his SA cycle and I dont think he would be wanting to truly leave his home and family if he wasnt so wrapped up in the A. I just had therapy yesterday and the next appt isnt until next Tuesday but that feels years away. I dont know what to tell me son or what to say to my husband other than "I love you, i want a chance to work on this, please." But he is pushing me away and I dont know what to do. please help :(

Oh sweetie I am so sorry, but the worst thing in the world you can do is to beg. Please don't do that. It will not help.

Get in touch with your inner bitch, and get ANGRY!

DO. NOT. BEG.

Have you been tested for STDs? If not, go get tested.

Read up on the 180.

Please take care of yourself.

((((Pw37))))

Welcome to SI, pw37. I'm glad you've found us, although I'm sorry for the circumstances.

On the one hand, your story is so similar to so many here... almost text book, and sometimes that's a comfort. To know you're not alone. On the other hand the pain in the beginning is so raw you're probably wondering if you're ever going to know the meaning of "comfort" again. I promise that you will, but for now you need to breathe and take care of the little things for yourself.

The multiple infidelities suggest that this is indeed a deep issue with your WH, and that it's going to take a LOT of work if he's ever to change.

The fact that you feel like he's pulling away is going to make you grab out for him. I did this with my FWH in the beginning, and true to textbook it pushed him further. That's when I stopped, or "180'd" if you will. (See the definition and instructions in the Healing Library in the yellow box on this page.) I took DD and moved in with my father, and it was at that moment that he fully realized the gravity of his behavior.

You need to stop trying to fix this - to fix him, and to start protecting yourself. Even if you don't feel strong on the inside, start treating him with the strength you wish you have and you will build it. Have a list of things HE must do to show that he is remorseful and willing to look into therapy, or let him know that you are not playing ball anymore. No more favorite dinners, no more outburst of emotion. Just business until you can figure out how to protect yourself and your son from his deceit and selfishness.

We're here for you, anytime.

(((pw37)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Should I let H stay at our home??? Son wants him too but I dont know if its best. I want him home but I feel like I should set a boundary and not let him treat me this way and say that he isnt here for me our the marriage, only for our son. Is it better for my son to have him here when H wants nothing to do with me?

That's a very personal decision, but I think that it is absolutely ok to tell him to go somewhere else so that you can process what to do next.

I think that the key to helping your son right now is staying calm in front of him. For now, I don't see the harm in saying daddy's gone for work or vacation for a while. Something temporary to buy you both time. I don't think it's good to lie to the kids, but easing their transition takes precedence over abject truth telling at every moment, in my book.

Thank you so much for the replies. My therapist suggested I tell H that I love him and support him and am here for him. But that I set rules, like NC, going to meetings, etc.

H just isnt meeting me halfway on anything. He told me he would go to a meeting to shut me up but not because he thinks he needs to go and not because he wants to go.

ughhhh. going to read up on 180 now...

He told me he would go to a meeting to shut me up but not because he thinks he needs to go and not because he wants to go.

Ah, so he's still firmly locked in the head-in-ass position.

Are you able to say, "Oh no. This isn't about shutting me up. This is about you learning how to become a better person. If you're not into it, that's on you. Let me know if you need help washing your clothes before I pack them and put them on the porch."

It's easy to sit here and type "what I would do." It's much harder to be in your shoes. If you can start to adopt the firm, nonchalance, you will see him respond with fear or anger. Rest assured that this means you are regaining some kind of control.

(((pw)))

So sorry to hear this. You are young, take care of yourself and your son. Your WH will have to figure this out for himself this time. Get great legal advice right away and 180 as much as possible.

This may be more than he is able to fix and as I said before you are young, if I were your age I would not wait to start my new life.

He is not the example you want for your son. He is not who you want for a husband unless he is truly remorseful, and it sounds like that is not in him. Be strong. He has cheated too many times, and these are just the ones you know about

[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 1:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

I was where you are. And I made many of the mistakes you are talking of making. Going to therapy with a spouse who doesn't want to be in the marriage is a recipe for self-torture. It will do no good. And DO NOT, NOT NOT NOT tell him you love him and are there for him. It's like lying down in the road waiting to be kicked, while he's in the state he's in. Read about the 180 and try and sleep, drink water, think about yourself and your own healing. When you tell him you love him in this situation, he won't hear love, he'll hear need and desperation. His head is elsewhere, and you need to protect yourself. I've been with a recurrent cheater and know how hellishly this hurts. Sending you best wishes. There is an end to this and a life beyond it.

Oh my god, I am doing everything the exact opposite of the 180. Does that actually work for anyone to get their spouse out of that fog??? Also, Im wondering if my therapist isnt giving me the best advice :/

Don't worry, I think almost all of us were in this position. As others will tell you, the 180 is about helping you get through this, not about bringing them out of the fog - although that may be a side effect. I do think your therapist may not have given you good advice. I had a brilliant one who helped me hugely, mainly by helping me feel that I mattered and to like myself. This is a horrible situation, and you have so many people here who know exactly where you are. It's a state of total panic, right? It might be worth seeing your doctor if the anxiety gets too much - take any help you can get. Sending you really, really good wishes. xx

No, doing everything the opposite of the 180 doesn't get them out of the FOG. doing everything right in the 180 doesn't get them out of the FOG either. Only they can get themselves out of the FOG.

Remember the 180 is completely for YOU. It is designed to give you strength to make decisions and choices with a level head.

People want what they can't have and shun what they can easily have. You aren't doing this to win him back but going out of your way to please him or continuing to do things for him comes off as weakness and shows that the status quo has remained in place. The status quo is the environment that the A's took place in so you have to change something. You can't change him so don't even try. He has to want to change himself. The only thing you can change is yourself and your own actions. This is where the 180 comes in to help you break the status quo for yourself.

By following the 180 you regain your footing and strength while focusing on what YOU want out of life. A side effect of the 180 is in some cases you are perceived as something he can no longer have, so it makes them seem to come closer or come back but if they are still in the A or unremorseful this is only temporary and once you let your guard down the asshattery begins again. For him to truly be safe for you he has to dig deep into his own issue and resolve them. So that's why the 180 is completely and only for you and your strength.

Take care of yourself, exercise, eat, drink protien shakes if you can't stomach solid foods, post often, and cut yourself some slack. No matter what choice you make recovery is a marathon not a sprint. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Your therapist is confused. If you do what he/she is suggesting, your husband will take advantage of it. That's the hard truth of it while your husband is all fogged up.

With him being not only belligerent about what he's doing, all he'll see is that he can maintain status quo with you without any effort on his part.

Your son will be okay while you gain some temporary space, to start. Most of us here have kids. Your son watching his father mistreat you is way more damaging than not seeing him for a bit.

180, PW. 180 fast. The fog is so thick that the only way to make them understand consequence is to take away things they assume are unassailable rights - namely you and your support. He won't care about your feelings or even about what makes "sense." This is about giving perspective to both of you by removing a false sense of stability.

Listen to me about this, and it's going to be difficult:

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE HE GOES IF HE DOESN'T STAY AT HOME. HE'S ALREADY CHEATING ON YOU. YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO KEEP HIM FROM CHEATING FURTHER.

I think you being proactive and contacting everyone was a gutsy and strong move. But NOW, it has to be about his choices.

The 180 gives you protection from those choices.

[This message edited by Reality at 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

If he is SA, both of you should find IC that are CSAT (certified sex addicition therapists). Go to sexhelp.com to find one in your area. Going and sitting at meetings won't make him recover any more than sitting in church makes someone a saint. It takes work with a properly trained therapist.

Even when they are working hard at it, recovery from the addiction is very difficult, and until they are sober they are in no position to try to repair the M. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship and an active addict aint healthy. Many CSAT offices have therapists specifically trained to treat the spouses of the addicts. Spouses tend to develop some unhealthy coping mechanisms when faced with the addiction and they can help you gain your footing.

Even if he won't go, go for you.

I can't thank you all enough for your replies. It feels good to hear some encouraging words. I have been talking to my mom but I really don't want to burden her with too much. She has enough going on in her own crappy marriage. Going to check out the sexhelp link.

The only therapists in my area from sexhelp.com are 30-45 minutes away and don't accept insurance. Over $100 per session. Too much :(

Welcome pw,

You have recieved some great advice already. It is a horrible situation to be in, and the pain seems unbearable, but you will survive this.

I would say that your therapist has no experience in dealing with SA, or infidelity, and it may be time to find a new one.

Make an appointment and see a lawyer sooner than later. This will also help you understand the what if's, giving you knowledge, and that in turn will give you some strength.

Be honest with your son, but age appropriate. Tell him that Dad needs to spend some time away because he is confused right now, but that he loves him, and that he in no way has anything to do with this. Kids tend to think that they cause the upheaveal in their lives.

Take care of you. Eat, sleep, keep hydrated, and love that boy of yours. It's amazing how much focusing on them, can help keep you grounded (it did me anyway).

((((and strength))))

Our CSATs are not in network and not covered either. We can get reimbursed by our insurance at the in-network rate ($60 per session). It is still a lot out of pocket, but likely a far cry less than lawyers fees and setting up a second household.

We tried to stay in network with covered IC's the first year after diagnoses, but really it was a waste of time. Maybe see if your plan has any general addictions specialists covered, but sometimes the extra $ might end up being necessary.

[This message edited by JustWow at 3:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Does that actually work for anyone to get their spouse out of that fog??? Also, Im wondering if my therapist isnt giving me the best advice :/

It's been my observation that the 180 can be a fog lifting aid, but the WS does have to be the one to make the leap.

What the 180 DOES do is give you your power back - and they see that. Sometimes it's a bucket of ice water that wakes them up, sometimes it's their excuse to swan-dive deeper into being a douschebag. Either way, it protects you and means that you are in control of your reality.

I'm sorry that there doesn't seem to be many choices for therapists in your area... that doesn't mean you should keep going to a bad one. They may have flowery words, but if it feels wrong you have the right to get the heck outta dodge.

I've helped a few people with resources in that matter from different countries... you're welcome to PM me anytime if you want to brainstorm about local resources.

Maybe I am misinterpreting what the therapist is telling me?

H just called. He wanted to stop at home and get some clothes and see son briefly. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. That son would only be upset more when he leaves and he doesn't understand. H said that we need to sit him down and tell him (tell him WHAT, im not sure?). I said no way, that thus us too fresh, H is confused and doesn't know what's even going on with OW (as far as I know she's not been in touch with him this week), he doesn't even have a place to go or know what he will do and we don't need to confuse son anymore.

I also suggested that he go to the SA meeting on Saturday and maybe get some advice on how to proceed, and/or see a therapist that specialized in SA to figure it out because I sure as hell don't understand it and can't help him. H's reply was, well im about 75% decided about going to the meeting. I was like well I don't really care what you do anymore but clearly you need someone who knows what they're talking about to help you figure it out.

So that's where we left it for now. I didn't argue, I wasn't crying. I didn't tell him I loved him. It sucked and I hate this :(