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Its terrible that I want my dd to hate him! I know it is..I try so hard not to feel this way but I do.I want her to know him and ow are trash for what they did to us...ok, go ahead..blast me now

[This message edited by ideservebetter45 at 2:34 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

(((hugs))) I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Many of us have. That being said, IC will help you deal with those feelings.

The first step is recognizing that this is a huge, emotional, highly volatile process and getting some professional help in navigating it all is enormously helpful.

Identifying and articulating how you feel, and that it doesn't feel "right" because it's not in the best interests of your child, speaks volumes about your character.

Get therapy. Heal. I think you're in touch with your emotions and that you're going to be juuuuuust fine.

I totally relate, so no blasting from me.. He hurt me so bad; and if someone hurts me, I would want my kids to hate that person!

Same for the OW. If my mom or sister or a close friend were to be nice to and hang out with her, they would be disowned!! But I can't do that with my kids.. I suppose I have to let them enjoy their time with her and be thankful that they like her.. But it just feels so wrong considering what she did to me, so it does feel like a betrayal from the kids, even though I know in my brain it's not..

In my opinion, I would say you can let your DD know what happened and let her hate his behaviors without hating him as a person.. You shouldn't bash him as a person and call him "trash," but you can certainly bash his behaviors. I think you can to let her know how unacceptable his behaviors were and that you don't approve.. She is learning about life through you and the examples you set, so I would try to take the high road and continue counseling to try to let go of some of your anger, but she needs to learn from this..

Big hugs..

I totally understand how you feel. I'd love to tell my dd what a selfish, pathologically lying, prick her dad really is, but I know it would just harm her. She is only 5 and still thinks that STBX hung the moon and stars. She hasn't met slutface yet, but will soon as she's already moved in with Dirtbag.

I know how critical it is for her to have a relationship with him, so I'm taking the high road (even though it is SO hard to do sometimes). I just pray that slutface is kind to my children. I'm so worried about that. She had no kids of her own, so she us clueless about what she's gotten herself into.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 7:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Nope. No bashing from me. I feel the exact same way. I feel betrayed by them too somehow, even though I know that is not what it is. These are really hard emotions to have but very normal. Therapy can really help though.

It is hard to have who your love the most in the world also love who you loathe the most in the world.

I realised quite early on that the real thing I loathe the most in the world is anything/everything that causes harm to my children. This has helped me navigate through the hard times.

There are absolutely selfish reasons for having these feelings but IMO we also want to protect out kids from the inevitable future hurt these fucktards are going to inflict on them.

I am having a hard time surrendering to that aspect myself. My IC told me this doomsday thinking wasn't going to help my girls or me whether it happens or not.

I made a conscious decision to channel my energy into being the one great parent they need - they really only do need one and I am not at my best for them or for me when I indulge in this line of thinking.

I have not enjoyed the dark, murky stuff this trauma has stirred up in me but it has been enormously cleansing to work through and release it.

My girls won't grow up with a mum who was made bitter by this shit - I simply won't allow it. For them and for me. It is no way to live.

I'm right there with you.

Here's the thing - our WS and the OW didn't just do this to us, they did it to the kids too -they cheated on their kids every bit as much as they cheated on us.

Now when the little bully kid down the street does something mean to our kids, what do we do? We tell our children that they shouldn't hang around with the little bully kid, because as parents our job is to teach our children to not let themselves be around people who do mean things.

Now we're in a situation where the coparenting 101 manual states that we can't badmouth the other parent, so we have to bite our tongues about what a shitty thing our WS did when they cheated and walked out.

I need therapy too.

I know where you are coming from. YOu should not feel bad in anyway for having normal feelings. On some level I want DD, 8, to hate stbx for what he did. and she might if she were older and knew the details. But I also know she needs her father. So I suck it up and I know you do too for the good of your DD. It is the right thing to do even if it feels miserable. That is what therapy is for. You can release all the nasty toxic stuff and spare your DD.

I stuck around in the marriage as long as I did for the sake of the kids. I willingly put their happiness first to protect them from POS's behavior because I knew I couldn't tell them the gory details, and without those gory details they simply would not understand. I still wanted to wait until DD16 graduated from high school before pulling the plug, but I reached my limit. I, too, want my kids to hate him for what he did to us, and they are all now old enough to hear the details. Thank God! There is no bashing, just facts, but those facts speak for themselves and my girls have lost every bit of respect for their father. I won't lie, that makes me happy because I see it as a bit of karma. He fucked around on me for 17-18 years, and he deserves whatever happens as a result.

However, it would really be difficult had they been younger so I feel for all of you in that situation.