SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone! I haven't posted in a while and A LOT has happened since then!! Where to start...

So, we finally moved back to Florida. Only been here about a month. Before we left, my youngest went through speech therapy and an occupational therapy eval and he isnt autistic!!! YAY!! He does have PSD which can develop into autism from what she said but he isnt on the scale as of now. He finally finished his ST before we moved and is talking so much better now! My oldest (aspergers) son graduated Kindergarden! That was a HUGE deal because we had pretty much accepted that he was going to be retained...

I have a good job and live at my Dad's house paying him rent. Its a TINY house but it works. Our finances are still sucky but I am working on that. I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet but am supposed to Friday so I am pretty excited to get things stable again.

Now onto WH...

He is still an ass most of the time but doesn't see it. He is still talking to OW. He still says he doesn't want to be in OC's life but only because he knows it will end him and I, and it will! I can't and won't tolerate sharing my house with her kid. I know it isn't his fault and I don't want to take it out on him but I can't deal with him around me. I have seen his pictures and he looks IDENTICAL to my boys only he has black hair and mine had blonde...

WH still has a lock on his phone which he carries EVERYWHERE including the shower even though it isn't activated! He can still use the wifi and uses it to fb and email.

He changed his fb password the other day for no reason...added a $ to the end of his old one?? completely random... So I asked him what the new one was and he acted like I should know it, of course. I have been checking his messages and, again, he is talking to OW. He will message "Whats up" or "Hey You" every other day just to start a convo with her. Karma finally got her though because her fiance left her!! SURPRISE!!!! Not... I would've too!

WH still thinks her shit don't stink even though he won't "say" it, he will just make a face like "whatever you say" whenever I say something about her being a pig-faced, fat ass.

He hasn't talked to OW 2 or OW 3 since the move but has been talking about a few of the girls he works with. He is also back on a truck on a 2p-2a shift as a medic. Oh, and July 1st, he starts with a female partner!! Oh goody!

He still talks to me like shit. He threatens to leave A LOT in which I respond "good, I will help you pack!" and he gets pissed! Kindda funny...

He asked me the other day what I think our biggest and only problem is in our marriage. I didn't answer but he was looking for "sex" as the answer. I beg to differ that that is our "only" problem but it is definitely our biggest. We haven't had sex much lately because I just don't want to. I imagine them together with just the mention of sex and I don't do sloppy seconds! I can't even begin to get aroused with the way he treats me and what hes done!

So where am I now? I feel like I am in a better place, emotionally. I feel like I am stronger and have a clearer mind to make decisions... not totally cleared but clearer. I want a divorce!!! But, I am to chicken to tell him! WHY???? I don't know why I can't just say "hey, get the fuck out!!" I KNOW what I want and I'm not scared to be on my own so what is holding me back?!?!

Or am I scared and just don't want to admit it? I honestly don't know. I have a house to live in with payments I can afford and a landlord who will be more than willing to work with me, a good job, a good support system and he has a place to go and a good job. We have NO connection for eachother once so ever and fight all the time! WHY WHY WHY can't I make the plunge?!? Im such a chicken shit!

Talk me off the ledge! What is holding me back ladies??

Fear of the unknown or fear of change. You know his flaws and imperfections (to put them lightly). But what does life look like without him in it? Maybe instead of looking at getting through the first day without him part of daily life or the first week, you're looking at months down the road or a year or more?

What holds you back? The thought of the daily grind alone or the emotional void that even a toxic relationship leaves behind? Are you getting ahead of yourself and worried about the next guy you could choose to love hurting you also?

Slow down - Breathe - A deeper breath. Plan your first few days alone, just the basic day-to-day life stuff. Ask questions in the S&D forum. Gather information and educate yourself about the separation and divorce laws in your state. One day at a time, and some here for support.

You can do this. You deserve this for you and your children.

Thanks! I have thought about the months to follow but I don't think I am scared of going it alone. I could be lying to myself but I don't think I am scared of that. Maybe more, going out of my comfort zone? This marriage and lifestyle is all I have known since I was 16! I have been married since 17! I have only had 2 serious relationships, him being the second! I have never dated outside of middle school! Maybe thats what stops me? I honestly don't see me dating...I'm not interested in that now. Probably hang out with the girls every once in a while since I am forbidden from that now and have been for years but thats it! I think I want to be single and find myself first, work on my self esteem and strength.

I forgot to mention in my original post that I found over 80+ porn videos that he has downloaded on his phone. Among his internet history I also had a site called "fuckcam" and "benaughty" pop up. The first is a live feed porno chat site and the second is an online dating forum. I don't know if maybe when he was downloading or searching for videos these sites popped up and now they show up when you do a search or if he belongs to these sites. How do I find out? Also, I went to check his gmail account which would be linked to all these sites and it says it has be deactivated? Red flag? Would this amount of porn be a problem for you or am I being sensitive? He has always been into it and I never said anything pre-A...

I must be missing something here....

He is acting like an ass.

He's changing passwords on you.

He is still in contact with OW.

There's an OC in the picture that you want no part of.....

And yet you feel too chicken to tell him WHY you want a divorce?

I gotta say that I really don't understand the 'laughy' emoticon that you put in at the end of your post.

NOTHING about you situation is funny, IMO.

No, your right. Nothing about my situation is funny but at the same time, if I can't find small things in my life to laugh about, even at my own expense, then I would still be living in the dark funk that I was in just 2 months ago. I try to find humor in small things even when it may not be there to keep me somewhat sane.

So, while it may not be "funny" as a whole, I find it ironic that I have ALL the proof in the world that he is never going to be the person I married, yet I still can't get the courage to initiate the next step. The "eyeroll" emoticon after the laughing one was supposed to show my sarcasm...

I was asking what may be holding me back, not saying that I don't know the reasons "why" I want the divorce... that has an obvious answer.

I didn't mean to be a jerk...

What is holding you back?

Fear.

Fear of the unknown is what held me back in the beginning. I finally got over the fear and asked for a divorce. Subsequently we didn't do it, but it was very emotionally liberating to get to the point where I could do it. I did set myself a trigger point. If he did X, I was done. My X was to sign in to the account with his AP. I sent him a message to that account (secret) telling him we needed to talk. He read it and called me in to talk. That was my final proof and I was done.

Prior to that, I had my "ducks" in a row with bills and everything. It sounds like you already have that done. He sounds like a serial cheater...do you want your kids raised in that environment? You have the control, you just have to decide when enough is enough.