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I just found out four weeks ago and it's been a roller coaster but my WS is doing everything right. I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened, it was very short and while it's killing me, I'm pretty confident that we'll be okay at this point.

So my WS gave me passwords, phone logs, her phone everything - did not try to hide anything. She told the OM NC and as far as I can tell she's holding up her side of the bargain but he's tried to contact her a few times (and I only kow this because my WS told me about it). I'm not sure how to proceed though, should I confront this guy (I know him) and tell him to back off? I think this might set him off somehow - like he might take some kind of revenge or something, my understanding is that his M is a complete mess, that he's totally depressed and now I feel like he is purposely trying to ruin our M which has always been strong with this one exception.

So what do you do if the OM is perhaps a bit unstable and won't let go?

Have you notifed OM's BS?

Be careful making threats that could be twisted around to make you look bad by threatening him.

How has he tried to contact her? By email you can block him. By cellphone block his numbers or change her number.

he had an affair with your wife...he IS trying to ruin your marriage.

Tell his wife. Do not tell your WW that you're telling,just do it(she will warn OM). Call his wife and tell her,and offer her a copy of all the evidence you have.

That will be the best way to get rid of him..and it will be the right thing to do,as his BW deserves to know what has happened in her marriage. And she needs to be tested for STD's..(so do you and your WW). Im not saying your WW has an STD..but you do not know who else OM has been having sex with.

I agree block and maybe get a restraining order. This sounds too much like the perfect storm.

The advice I am going to give you is based on the assumption that the OM truly has some clinical mental illness going on and is unstable.

First thing I would do is send a NC letter via certified mail. Do this as proof for later. At the same time, notify his BW, advising her of the unstable behavior.

Second, read up on web sites dedicated to stalking. The rule of thumb with unstable "bunny boiler" types is complete silence and no response, because that is what they are looking for. They don't care if it is positive or negative response. They just know that if they get a response, the object of their attention is thinking about them. WIN! in their minds.

If he continues to try to make contact, file a restraining order. EVERY time he breaks the restraining order, call the police.

my understanding is that his M is a complete mess

Color me skeptical. I would tell his BW ASAP.

E.

Color me skeptical. I would tell his BW ASAP.

Concur. That's almost always bullshit.

Maybe in his eyes his marriage is a mess, but his BS probably doesn't know that.

The best thing to do would be to expose him to his wife. Show her the evidence you have so there's no doubt in her mind. Then block him from your wife's phone, email etc... or, better yet, change her phone number and email.

I'm happy for you that she's doing everything right. Her actions will make reconciling possible.

Thanks for all the advice. I agree about telling the BW but I'm not quite sure where she is as OM moved here for work and is currently living alone. I do suspect that his M is not as bad as he makes it sound.

She is not responding to him - he calls her at work and sends email. They work together (but not closely) which is really tough as it's not a simple matter to change jobs or anything like that. I'm really not sure where he is at, he may be making up all his problems or he may really be severely depressed and the rejection/termination of the affair could push him over the edge. Not that I care at all about him, I just want him to leave us alone so that we can try to get past all of this.

Ask your wife. She knows where his wife is. She may not know the exact address,but she knows where she is.

Look him up on facebook or spokeo. A little investigating and you can find his wife.

Your WW needs to find another job ASAP. It is essential for R. As long as she has any contact with him at all,and that includes work,you won't be able to heal. It may not be simple to find another job..but it has to be done. That's why you don't shit where you eat. Im sure she won't want to find another job...you need to make it a requirement of R.

Affairs have consequences...this is one of them.

Welcome,to SI,BTW. Im sorry you're going through this,but Im glad you've found us.

What is your WW doing to show you she is committed to healing the damage she has done?

Is she transparent?

Is she answering all of your questions without blaming you,or defending her actions?

Is she in IC to figure out why she did this?

You said she told the OM NC. Not good enough..especially since he clearly didnt take her seriously. She needs to send him a NC email..one that you approve of and send together.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit...and that's with no new info,no TT,and a remorseful spouse. Is she prepared to do the hard work to R?

ETA: There is no "getting past all of this." Only through it. Don't rugsweep,or she'll do it again. You need to "feel it to heal it."

R is a long,painful,heartbreaking process. It's ugly and sad..but rewarding and wonderful...if done correctly.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:19 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

atrophy, could your wife talk to her supervisor and see if she could transfer to a different area? Some WS's have had success talking to the bosses and request that the AP be moved off projects etc... to help limit contact. Just a thought.

1. Contact BS of OM. Ask your WS to help, if need be, else try hiring a cheap investigator to get this information for you.

2. Get a restraining order. If your WS works too closely with OM for this restraining order, then she should be willing to change jobs or see if she can be re-assigned elsewhere. SHE is the one that cheated, so she risked her job/career (not to mention marriage) when she decided to do this.

So what do you do if the OM is perhaps a bit unstable and won't let go?

Yep....had me one of those.

After a fog induced 6-8 week affair my FWWs OM had no intention of adhering to NC...FWW was "FREAKED"!!!

He began calling, texting me in an attempt to have he toss her to the curb...he also had no wife for me to inform...

After a month...trying to ignore him...I got pissed...told the FWW that she had 2 choices - either file harassment charges...or I was gonna whip his ass.

I'm a big guy...former linebacker with just enough Texas redneck, biker attitude to get really pissed off...she was afraid he'd follow one of us or the kids home (we lived 22 miles out on a ranch) waiting on a sheriff was at least a 45 minute wait....(I have a CHL - concealed handgun license...and generally carry at least 1 personal defense weapon)....yeah...im a redneck!!

ROs cost money...take weeks to put into place and don't carry much "bite" if ignored...they are "civil charges...not criminal charges.

However....there are harassment laws in all 50 states...it is a crime....google harassment laws in your state...make copies...law enforcement are sometimes not very familiar with them...so be VERY nice when you file these charges...take proof of NC letters and copies of cell phone bills with you..be able to PROVE the charges.

The POS only adhered to NC AFTER these charges were filed....he texted the FWW 4 times while we were at the courthouse filing these charges...this was in Nov 2008....haven't heard from him since....it is a very "humbling experience" for the FWW to file harassment charges on a "bunny boiler" she had an affair with....it helps the fog raise and show her the "fallout" of her selfish actions...it is a huge reality check.

Its all in my profile...feel free to look at it. My FWW was "doing all the right things"...to win me back.

Good luck...keep us posted.

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 7:22 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

We had this problem. For 14 months, every couple of weeks the MOW would send a text/email/message. My H never responded. When we figured out how to block her cell, she went and got another phone and texted him again.

My H went to an attorney. For $300 he prepared a letter advising all contact stop. He included a copy of the law she'd be violating if she tried it again. It was hand delivered via a process server. We finally got some long overdue peace.

Good luck to you. It's difficult enough to work through this without the AP constantly reminding you that they're waiting in the shadows.