SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now that I'm finally settled in, at my parents :( (it'll have to do for now) I've been thinking about sending douchebag a final email. I want to tell him that I know about about ALL of the lies he's told. I feel like there is so much I haven't gotten off of my chest yet because I have kept my mouth shut for so long.

But then I think, what's the point. I guess a small part of me still wants some sort of reaction from him about what he's done.

I've kept my cool throughout this entire nightmare and contact with him is at a bare minimum.

Have any of you written such a letter/email? If so, what sort of reaction have you gotten?

No. I did what you are doing. I went dark. Had a lot of proof of things I never voiced. Told myself they might proof useful as leverage down the road to D someday (if he cared enough to save face...).

It was FRUSTRATING at times, to hold it all in! But realistically - I knew he wouldn't hear me anyway. He would just blame-shift and counterattack. And it wasn't like there was something he could have said that would have made any of it better. He'd just lie or say three more stupid things, I'd feel I needed to address.

Sometimes in the game of last words - the winning play is silence.

I wrote several journal entries. I called them my letters of letting go. They were addressed to him and written in an old journal of his where he wrote of his undying love for me.

I was going to give this journal back to him after the divorce was final. I felt very strongly about doing this...like there was some sense of justice tied to it...maybe he would get something and feel true remorse.

When the D was finalized, I looked at that journal for a long time and finally decided that he wasn't worth it. He didn't deserve a window into my pain, suffering or healing. So, instead, I posted a couple of them here. And if felt so much better to share them with people that actually understand and have the capacity to empathize with me.

I did, more or less, for the same reasons you mentioned. It was a waste of time and energy, and fell on deaf ears. He is so convinced that his reasons for doing what he did are valid, and my marital transgressions (all of which are skewed to his twisted thinking) are so bad that he can walk away with a clean conscience. Of course, the only one believing that bullshit is him.

At least I know I did everything humanly possible to make it work, within my own moral framework and personal dignity, so I can truly walk away with a clean conscience.

I totally understand your leaning. After forty-some years of keeping my mouth shut, I want him to know how I feel too, but then I remember ALL the times I tried - it never, ever did any good. I wrote letters, I wrote journal entries and sent them to him, I tried to talk to him. He just ignores me or says "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "you obviously lied when you said you forgave me." or turns it around and blames me somehow. Bottom line is: no matter how much he DeSERVES to hear me out, or how much I DESERVE to have my say, it will do NO good. As I said to him when I left, " there are a thousand things to say, but none of them matter anymore". Sad.

I don't think he's worthy of your feelings anymore.. He doesn't deserve them..

And I think he would just use them against you anyway. It's like handing him the knife to stab you with..

That was my experience anyway. Any time I tried to tell him how I feel, he just used it against me..

It was probably November last time I told him my true feelings about our relationship, but he still likes to tell me to "get over it" and "move on" and crap like that. I asked in the NPD thread in "I Can Relate" if I should just tell him that I AM done with him now, and they told me that it's a really cool secret that I'm over him now, and I shouldn't tell him. I think that's a good way to look at it. My feelings are a really cool secret I can keep from him now. He certainly doesn't deserve them anymore..

Hugs..

DBF - I understand your urge to write a final farewell letter. It comes down to closure. The reason I've been so drawn to your experience is because it mirrors an experience I had recently - the cast of characters is so familiar to me. My experience was not with infidelity but it did involve a close friend who I now realize is a sociopath. We have been best friends since our early teenage years - I'm 34 so that's over 20 years now! About 5 years ago he started getting into this weird pattern of lying and general shadiness and not soon after, I found out he was doing drugs. He decided to move over 1000 miles away to another state where his dad was living in hopes to "clean up his act." When he left, I felt like s ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. I guess I'd never realized what a spiritual vampire he was. I'd always felt a twinge of jealousy coming from his direction but I always just kind of brushed it off. After 4 years of being free of his oppressive presence, my life had changed DRAMATICALLY for the better. My communication with him was sparse except for the occasional obligatory phone call which usually turned into a "woe is me" fest on his end. By year 4 I was so detached that I dreaded getting phone calls from him because, frankly, I felt like I'd outgrown him and he was rather pathetic. He just seemed stuck and I was no longer stuck nor did I want that kind of negative energy in my atmosphere. By the beginning of year 4, I got the dreaded phone call - "Hey, guess what!? Good news, I'm moving back home in a few months!" Apparently life in his new home was worse than it was here, so he was moving back to be closer to his "support system." I seriously felt ill when he told me. I couldn't even feign enthusiasm. At the time, I was wrapping up my first year of grad school,  maintaining a 4.0 gpa while working full time in my already successful career and here's this loser raining on my parade, putting feelers out to see if I needed a roommate. Um no. I'm 34, I don't do roommates anymore. Fast forward to when he moves back. I tell him that my life has changed and my friends are no longer at the top of my priority list. I don't get out much, and when I do, I don't tolerate drama (we used to fight a lot). He swore up and down he'd changed and was a completely different person. I knew in my gut that he hadn't. As a matter of fact, I suspected that he'd only gotten worse. Sure enough, his first night back, we had a small gathering for him at a friend's house to welcome him back. We're all a group of young professionals who go way back and don't get to see each other often. So naturally we're all catching up. Everybody had a cocktail in hand and within an hour, he was fall-down drunk! We were all still on our first drinks catching up on lost time while he was power drinking like he was at a frat party! Enter the demon - no, seriously, I was convinced he was possessed. His eyes were LITERALLY black, filled with contempt for me while he was pulled me aside continuously saying in my ear, "you think your so great with your job and your education and your fancy clothes.  Well I've got news for you, they (as he points to all of our friends who were out of ear-shot) may not know you, but I know exactly who you are. Watch your step because I'll turn everybody against you!" I COULD NOT believe what was happening. I was starting into the face of cold, contemptuous evil. This was somebody who, for years, was my best friend. Somebody I trusted with my life! Needless to say, I told him where to go that night. Told him I didn't need or want him in my life anymore and that he was s non-fucking-factor. The cool detachment coupled with the harsh words I spit back at him pulled him out of whatever nasty place he was in because he instantly flipped the script and started crying, being me to stop being "so mean" and to give him another chance. Stupid that I did. Over the next year, he went on to steal from me in my own home and tell a series of sick lies so twisted that when I found out they were all lies, I literally felt dirty - almost like a child who had just been touched inappropriately by someone I trusted. It was THAT bad. Finally I told him I wanted no contact. This is where I'm reminded of your sorry. I, much like you, had no problem implementing 180 (didn't even know what it was at the time last October!). I told him I was done and that he needed to get himself some professional help. A week later, he sent me this message on Facebook which essentially said "ta-da! I got help and I'm cured! Thanks so much for being such a good friend, you really saved my life. I'd like to meet with you to thank you in person!" This is when I wrote my closure note. I removed emotion and let him know exactly what I thought of him. As a matter of fact, I will post it here after this long-winded response. My point is, I think you SHOULD send him your thoughts; HOWEVER, I think it must be in response to one of the unnecessary, frivolous communications he sends to you.  It should basically be a "fuck-off-forever-and-always" type of message. You know it's only a matter of time before he emails or texts you. THAT'S when you rise to the occasion - but not until then.

I had planned to do this - send a letter to wasband once the D was final and I didn't have to play nice anymore. I was going to unload both barrels on him. At least 10 times.

And when the time finally came? I realized I really didn't care. I didn't care enough to give him my truth - he didn't deserve that kind of access to my feelings and thoughts. He was a stranger to me.

((((DBfree))))

Wow, sorry for all the typos in my last post. I'm writing from my phone. I'd edit but I almost think I'd butcher it even worse since I have a hard time scrolling up and down in the edit box. Looking for my "fuck off forever and always" note now. Will post soon.

Found it! Feel free to use any of it that applies to your situation!

Frankly [xFriend], I don't care what you want to do. This "friendship" has been about YOU, and only YOU, for far too long now. You have lied to me, you have stolen from me, and you have betrayed my trust for the last time. The only reason I wanted to meet with you face-to-face was to show you the irrefutable evidence I've collected and to end things with you once and for all. If the root cause here is mental illness, well then, that's your cross to bear - I've been a good friend to you and I cannot and will not allow myself to be victimized anymore. I hope that you DO get the help you so desperately need - help I'm convinced only a psychiatrist can provide you because, at best you're a pathological liar and a thief and, at worst, you're a sociopath.   Two years ago when you told me you were moving back to [home state], a feeling of pure dread rushed over me. It seemed highly suspicious to me that somebody could move away for four years in an effort to "turn things around" and come back worse-off. Yet, you "tried" and you returned swearing that you were a different person. I should have listened to my gut after our first encounter at [mutual friend] house that night (night of the cocktail party welcoming him back). It became emphatically clear to me that you did not change...at least not for the better. Instead, I turned the other cheek and let you back in - against my better judgement. As things went missing from my home - something that had NEVER happened in the 4 years I'd lived there - you were always there at the scene of the crime. Again, against my better judgement, instead of ending the "friendship," I turned the other cheek and had a safe installed so I could lock up my valuables each time my "best friend" visited. When my friend, who'd fell on her own hard times, came to stay with me, you stole the only money she had right out of her purse AT MY PARENTS HOUSE. I know you did it. Yes, she had her problems but one problem she didn't have was with honesty. It never quite sat well with me that you disappeared for an hour that night right after the money was taken. Again, I knew that you did it, and again, I turned the other cheek. I conceded to the notion that not only could I NOT invite you into the homes of my loved ones but I also had to lock-up all that was precious and/or valuable to me each time you visited mine - something I've been doing for a year now. I shouldn't have to live like that. I shouldn't have to scurry around my house gathering my things so I can lock them up just because my "FRIEND" is on his way over. But I did because I was a "good friend."   Then, as I let you back in and tried to trust you again, you painted this picture for me that, despite some bad choices, things were looking up for you. You had a job and you were doing well at it and a new romantic relationship that was making you happy. You perpetuated that lie for almost a year now. Let me make this perfectly clear for you: I know that everything about your [fake romantic partner I later found out he was using as a way to fuck with my head...long, SICK story] was a complete and utter lie and I am absolutely disgusted by how far you took it. That goes beyond a violation of trust and enters into a territory in which only the devious tread. All those times I had things going on in my life, I kept it to myself so you could talk about all of the ups and downs in your "relationship." I trusted you and I believed you and it was all a LIE - from [romantic partner] moving away, to his [romantic partner's] grandmother dying. You even called my brother and kept him on the phone talking about your fictional problems with your fictional [romantic partner]. When I found out it was all a sham, I felt dirty and violated - like a child that had just been touched inappropriately by somebody he trusted.   The bottom line, [xFriend] , is that you and I once had what I always thought was a good friendship. We should have allowed ourselves to go our separate ways years ago. Instead, we held on to something that just isn't there anymore. You've made your choices and I've made mine and we've arrived at two completely different places today because of those choices. There is no reconciling those differences. That said, you no longer belong in my world and I no longer belong in your world and that is something we both must accept and move forward knowing. Furthermore, our relationship has sustained irreparable damage at this point. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can NEVER trust you again - where there is no trust, there is no friendship.   If this message seems insensitive, don't expect an apology - I've done nothing wrong. I've never lied to you and I've never stolen from you. I've resigned to the fact that I must forgive you - I already have. Now I'd like to forget you. Please do not try to contact me - I do not want to speak to you. Please do not show up at my door - I do  not want to see you. Please do not talk about me to our many mutual friends and I will spare you the sheer and utter embarrassment of talking about you. And last, but certainly not least - please do not hold on to any hopes that we can ever recover from this and be friends again - I have no use for you.

anewday78

[This message edited by anewday78 at 8:56 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Hi DBFree,

I had and still do have the same feelings. There is so much I want to say to this asshole, so much I wish I HAD said when he was still here (briefly) and I had the chance to say it all right to his lying face. I keep a "letter" to him on my computer, and add to it as things come to mind. Some of it is fairly calm and rational, some is R-rated foul mouthed venting, lol.

For awhile I thought I would actually send it to him someday. Then one day I saw a post on this board. I can't remember who said it, I would give credit for it if I could remember who.... But anyway, the message of the post was NOT to send the letter. Not because the WS didn't deserve the lashing, but because he didn't deserve any opportunity to better himself through her pain and realizations about him.

That REALLY spoke to me. I've learned so much, and realized sooo much about my XWH... things I know he is totally unaware of in himself, always has been and no doubt always will be. I will not allow my pain to be the mirror that finally shows him who he really is. He's going to have to come to those realizations totally on his own, or not at all.

I want to tell him that I know about about ALL of the lies he's told. I feel like there is so much I haven't gotten off of my chest yet because I have kept my mouth shut for so long.

But then I think, what's the point. I guess a small part of me still wants some sort of reaction from him about what he's done. I've kept my cool throughout this entire nightmare and contact with him is at a bare minimum.

I had a very similar experience w/XH. Have found out some shit after the fact that I want to choke him over.

However, it is absolutely pointless.

I think expecting a reaction is an exercise in futility; if they were actually receptive to it, they prolly would be doing something, anything to rectify the matter. Which is why it's pointless to tell them anything. They know what they did, no matter how much bluster they throw your way.

Underneath all the lies, vitriol, defiance, hatred, whatever it is they show you, they know what they did is fucked up.

I've been writing to XH for the last 3+ years. He will never see any of it. It used to piss him off on an epic scale that he'd not get any sort of emotional reaction. That being the case, the best payback for him is crickets. He's gotta be an idiot to think what he did had no effect.

Keep writing whatever you need to write, just don't give him the pleasure of seeing your pain.

Don't send it. I did send stuff at the beginning...and probably for far too long, but once I realised he gobbled that shit up I stopped. Now he spends time trying to find ways to get a rise out of me but I ignore him. It's fun, actually, to realise he wants to know more about me than I want to know about him, mainly because my life is evolving and his is exactly the same, except with a new person slotted into my old role. I win, he loses.