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Lola,

You asked why he was willing to marry her. IMO broken people place more value on what is out of their reach than what is available to them. They prefer to chase rainbows rather than water solid ground.

You, as a loving faithful SO are infinitely more valuable than a women who would cheat on her H and destroy another's family. All your broken WH sees right now is the rainbow he's chasing.

If I remember correctly his ExW cheated on him? In his broken mind that makes her more valuable because he couldn't "have" her.

You were faithful and willing to marry him. He "had" you. Deep in the bottom of his twisted mind that de-valued you because he didn't value himself. In his mind, if you are truly committed to him, the loser, there must be something wrong with you.

I know it hurts. I know it makes you question yourself but know that however he is treating her now, if she marries and truly commits to him he will devalue her too. If she doesn't...well....what kind of life will that be for either of them?

You were a giving and loving SO, the very thing that strikes fear into the heart of these people. In his emotional abuse of you he probably put you down for the very things that make you human,unfairly call you hysterical and unreasonable so he wouldn't have to deal with real emotions.

By not marrying this man you dodged a bullet, but still have with two amazing children to raise. The moment with your daughter, and the fact the she can talk to you like she does then move on to her fear of math is a testament to her resilience and your parenting.

He didn't marry you because you are real, not some rainbow fantasy that he has to chase after. Watch and see, if he marries her he will still need a fantasy to chase, either it's OW1 because she's a train wreck and won't commit or another OW2 because OW1 decides to settle down. You are so much better off in the end.

Edited for grammar

[This message edited by grace68 at 11:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Grace, thank you.

I needed to hear that.

I'm glad you used the word devalued. Yes, he devalued me but that does not mean that I have no value. I am a mom and my kids' unconditional love is the most precious thing in the world now and forever.

You are so right also that he wants what he can't have.

Yes, I dodged a bullet, for sure.

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

^^Ditto what grace said.

He used to, in the beginning, treat me better in private. He was affectionate and loving and doting.

Better isn't good. Everyone is affectionate in the beginning. I mean how they treat you once that first blush of new romance starts fading.

None of this has anything to do with you. He wasn't ashamed of you - he is incapable of healthy love. He was not capable of reciprocating your love not because of a measure of you but of him.

It makes me so sad that you feel this way. Please consider the source when using his actions/decisions to measure yourself. HE was not worthy. YOU had a right to be ashamed of him.

((Lola))

You are too good for him. You are better off without him.

Thank you all. It helps.

Well, after, I think, 5 days of NC....

They were likely in Montreal. He called the house this morning. The girls were busy, they had a friend over and we let it go to the machine. After my cell rang. I sent it to voicemail. I thought he hadn't left a message but 1/2 hour ago I noticed it on my phone.

He wanted to talk to me. He wants to take the girls to "Florida" for the long weekend (in August). He said "let me know so I can book the airplane. we would leave Friday evening and come back Monday evening". So no time off work for him. Makes sense. He told me his vacation was for him. I told him my vacation is for the girls.

Now, his ex wife is in Florida for a month at her new vacation house. Also the skank used to regularly travel to Orlando on business.

He would need their passports and my permission to take them.

I don't want to do this.

I sent a text that I am taking them out of town that weekend. I do have the whole week prior off work. I was planning some things but haven't booked yet.

This really makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not sure if it's his ex wife that invited him there. I sent her a text to ask. It's likely that the skank won't be there so soon after she was here. I found out she left on Saturday. Probably true since he called today.

I can't sleep now. No response to either of my messages.

WTF should I do?

Do NOT let them go anywhere with him where passports are required. That's a flight risk. You need to seek legal counsel.

I think you stick to that you are off that week and the weekend is already booked.

You told him you already have plans, so stick with that for now. But Lola..you have to get to a lawyer and make sure you have legal custody on paper. Especially if he is going to live overseas, he's going to want them to visit. And without that piece of paper, he may not return them, and you won't have a leg to stand on. Get to a lawyer, please?

What devastated mom said!

Florida may have come to mind because of the ex...but that doesn't mean that is where he intends to take them either.

Lawyer up!

Honestly. What would be the benefit of going to a lawyer if he won't sign anything?

Wouldnt i just get an agreement drawn up that he would actually have to agree to and sign?

He wouldn't sign the separation agreement I drew up from an online form because of the morality clause I added and he didn't know it's hard (or impossible) to enforce.

I really believe that if I try to take him to court (if it went to court?) he would turn into nightmare NPD asshole.

I have played him the best I could knowing that the last thing he wants is to be a full time parent. He wants them to adore him but be no other burden. Does that make sense?

My problem is that when I say no I still feel like there will be consequences. He will get back. Maybe he doesn't really care enough to get back at me.

What can I hope a lawyer will do for me? At worst he will take more visitation just for spite.

I have a hard time believing that I have any power against him.

The kids do miss him and it becomes a balance as far as how to protect them from the inevitable hurt and to let them learn on their own.

I want to do right by them but know in my heart that he will disappoint them.

I'm not sure I'm making sense.

I honestly just want a play by play as to what the lawyer will do for me and against him.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 6:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

The benefit is....

if he does move to "other country" with her, do you really think you are going to be able to never send them for a visit? Especially when they get a little older and they want to go see other country? If you do not have the paper saying they live with you, then he does NOT have to return them, and when you go to the police, they are going to say there is nothing they can do, because you don't have custody.

I know it might open up a fight now...but better now, than when your kids are in "other country" and can't come home.

Having that paper that says sole custody will mean the passports are under your control...and he can't go get them other ones.

Maybe what you did in the first place worked...but now, especially if he is going to marry her and live there, I don't think you can count on him only seeing the girls when he comes here. Without papers, I think you are in a worse position down the road. It's to protect you and the girls.

I can tell you what happened when the OW in my situation moved in with my XH. My XH had been somewhat cooperative and paid the CS like he was supposed to. Then bam, they move in together, she takes over. He's no longer cooperative and stops paying CS. Things weren't great before but once they moved in together, it really all went to hell.

If the same thing happens with your situation; they get married, he moves in with her, and overseas. What are you going to do when he takes the kids to another country and she wants to play house and he doesn't bring the kids back?

There won't be a damn thing you can do without a custody order.

Filing for custody and CS may ruffle his feathers but it's better that it happens while the kids are with you and not him, and in your country.

I think the best thing right now is a free consult with a family lawyer whose specialty is custody.

I need to know my options.

I honestly don't think OW will want my kids. She has a son. She's 47 years old. No more kids for her.

I can see dumbass getting dumped and coming home with his tail between his legs and looking for an ego boost from his kids. Yes that is a possibility.

Getting him to agree to sign over sole custody? I don't know.

I do have a letter signed by him which says the kids live with me, i have primary physical custody, he pays cs, and visitation is arranged as agreed by all parties. I have the visitation documented and all arrangement text messages saved.

I think the best thing right now is a free consult with a family lawyer whose specialty is custody.

You should look for one that has experience with international custody disputes since that may be in your future.

Lola, I don't disclose this to many people but my children's father and I were never legally married. He is a big part of their lives and a good man but I think in that situation you owe it to your children to insure their stability as much as you can. So we legally established paternity, custody, and child support.

Your X has already proven himself untrustworthy, I think you need to seriously consider having some level of control over his ability to make decisions regarding your children. They need every bit of stability possible.

Going for a consult is the right thing to do Lola. Better to talk to someone now and know what can be done/should be done than not to bother and have a big problem later.

Free consult scheduled for next Friday.

Glad to hear it Lola. I really think you need to know the worse case scenario, and what you can do to protect yourself/the kids. I'm proud of you.