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BS here. I went to an STD clinic very soon after finding our about my WH affair.I have been faithful to my WH for 30 years. He did not use a condom.I was given the all clear. But 4 years on I am still deeply resentful that he never went to the clinic himself and had to suffer the humiliation that I went through.

My counselor has suggested I ask him to go now. Would you expect your WH to have got checked out? Is it too late to ask him to do it now? Is there any chance he could have something even though I had the all clear 4 years ago?

Yes, it is very possible that he has a disease and has not passed it on to you -- yet.

I recently read a thread that said that a disease can take up to 2 years to show up, so an occasional test should be done for 2 years.

It's definitely not too late for him to be tested, and you should be retested, as well.

Not only are STD's a concern, but other things, too, such as Hepatitis C.

BB, I absolutely sympathize with your feelings. And I am usually the first person to scream "GO GET TESTED!!!!" But, I feel compelled to share this thought with you.

Background: my H did give me an STD. I suffered with the symptoms for a month before I was tested. It was easily curable (thank God) with meds, in which both partners had to be treated. When H went in for his testing, he tested negative. It turns out that even though there was a test for men, (urethral swab) most men NEVER test positive for this particular STD, and often never even experience symptoms. Now his doctor did make this clear to him, and to both of us together, however, H had the audacity to say, "well, I tested negative, so you must have had an affair and given it to me"!!!!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!

So, much to my chagrin, there now existed documentation of ME having an STD, and H not having one. Now how fucked up is that?????

So, in the initial days in which I thought we would D, (I live in a 'fault' state and an STD could be used as 'proof') guess who could have turned that around and used it against me?

So I say, be careful what you ask for.

Yes, it is possible for HIV or HPV to show up 4 yrs later, and I think if you are worried about it, then get yourself tested for sure.

But if you insist he be tested, remember this could backfire on you if, lets say, he was all clear for something like HPV, and then say, 6 months from now you find out you have genital warts.

Think carefully about this one.

If this is a hang up for you on your path to healing, then heck yah. He should be tested.

Testing is not a big deal, and is not something you should be ashamed of. The Clinics, and Dr's and Nurses do these day in and day out, and quite frankly if there was less shame over getting tested maybe some of the horrible diseases wouldn't be at the epidemic levels they are.

HPV is something to be concerned about, because Men have NO symptoms, can pass it to the woman, and it has been linked to cancers, not just cervical in women, but not with oral cancers.

Go together, and get it done. There is peace of mind to be had.

(sorry for the novel-length post!)

Yes, he must be tested.

Men cannot be reliably tested for HPV and it can remain dormant. He can still pass it on to you, if the organism is present. Additionally, there are other diseases that can remain "hidden" for a long time.

Furthermore, his 4-year failure to be tested raises red flags; it is a sad but graphic reminder that you never can be certain that a cheater will become monogamous and therefore safe, sexually. This is why I recommend that there's no non-protected sex until there have been 2 years of tests, repeated at recommended intervals. (One test is insufficient; most doctors recommend repeat testing at intervals for 12-24 months because not all diseases manifest immediately; I err on the side of caution, as does my doctor, with 24 months of repeat testing.)

If, at the end of the 24 months or so, you are very confident NC has been established and you're well on the way to recovery with NO additional contact with ANY other affair partner, only then does it become safe(r), IMO, to have unprotected sex.

My husband LONG refused testing. He was not interested in sex with me. He wanted (1) a wife who provided creature comforts, and/or (2) a housekeeper with whom he had enough rapport that he could get the ego kibbles he wanted at home, which still getting sex outside the marriage.

In all honesty, he got #2 (no pun intended, but it's an apt descriptor, because it was really shitty for me) for a very, very long time.

But it was not sustainable for me. Not when there were additional d-days.

The 180 was a powerful tool for me, even when I was still stuck in the gotta-fix-this mode. (I spent far more time fighting for something in which he was utterly disinterested than a sane person would---but at the time, I was not sane.) It was a real epiphany to realize he wasn't changing.

You can't see the forest for the trees when you're spinning your wheels frantically to fix things. The mental quietude that the 180 creates is wonderful for creating enough emotional distance to gain more clarity. Even if you can't---as I couldn't!--apply all of its tenets all of the time, every bit that you master gives you strength.

Please, consider doing it. It will help you see the things you can control, as well as identify those you cannot. Instructions are located in the Healing Library (in the yellow box to the left), in the FAQs for BSs. It is #11.

Surrender. Surrender what you cannot control. I know that the word surrender has negative connotations; it conjures images of cowards waving white flags to escape consequences during wartime. But really, it requires tremendous strength---and the reward is tremendously freeing. If you cannot control something, there is no sense in trying. Surrender. Let go. Focus only on what you can control. (The concept of surrender was so life-changing for me that I have the word tattooed, now, inside my left wrist.)

Surrendering what you cannot control will give you freedom you don't even know is possible. It will free you from unnecessary pain. And as a mantra, it will remind you, with a single word, of the lessons held in the Serenity Prayer---which was also instrumental in my healing.

The Serenity Prayer was a really great anchor for me, in terms of guiding my emotions and actions. (My son, now almost 17, had it tattooed on his forearm; it was instrumental in pulling him out of the crushing depression his father's infidelity and abandonment triggered.)

It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Simple, right? Indeed, it is. And yet, it is so difficult. It is very hard to let go of the things we can't control---especially when swept away by an emotional tsunami. To survive this, you MUST let go, however, of the debris that does not serve you well. Then, you will have the strength to keep swimming, to stay afloat, to survive.

I am so sorry your husband has polluted your marriage. It is his responsibility to be tested. But it's NOT something you can control.

All you can control is your response to his failure/refusal to do so.

What will your consequences be? Will you require protected sex---but only AFTER the first round of tests comes back clean (and/or necessary treatment of treatable STDs is complete)? Will you re-evaluate your willingness to stay in the marriage?

Only you can draw your line in the stand.

But to do so, the distance afforded by the 180 can be really, really helpful. Even if you can't pull of a consistent, hard 180, every self-affirming action you do will make a difference in rebuilding yourself---which, remember, is all you can do---and help you survive this trauma, regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:50 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. BUT if I was clear and I KNOW that WH has remained faithful to me since DD then wouldn't he be clear too? I would still like him to be tested just on principal though!

Not necessarily BB. Exactly what STD's were you tested for?

Look at these: