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I am crying while I write this - not sure what over the past few days has happened but I feel like I am falling down a dark hole. Things had been getting, slowly better but how I've felt over the past two days is really scary. It's like an unexpected wave of despair and, perhaps most of all, loneliness has hit me full force. I love my 5 and 3 yos more than anything and it has killed me to watch them cry. I am tired and really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to honestly about how I feel - I am on AD ( and have tried at least ten different combos) they help some, I tried to talk to mom today and felt like she just was not understanding, my XH and I moved to the area 5 years ago (about 2 years before his first affair) and I work from home. The triple whammy of motherhood, working from home, and the affair combined with my introverted nature met I never made any close friends here. Certainly no one who I could call feeling like this.

[This message edited by Sarah1106 at 8:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

(((Sarah1106)))

We're here for you tonight. I'm sorry that you've hit a rough patch. Take care of yourself and know that you're not alone in your pain.

(((((Sarah)))))

You will survive this misery and make a wonderful life for yourself and your wonderful children. The despair comes and goes and sometimes comes back with amazing force when you don't expect it. I myself had a bad patch this afternoon and had a good cry and took some ativan. Your mom certainly loves you but if she hasn't been through the misery of infidelity, she doesn't know. The people at SI all know what you are going through.

m here with you crying. its been not very good either. been here before so I know I can get out. actually been here a few times, and each time it takes a bit but I see clear and i am happier w the result.

just get the crying over so you can be cleaned of that. it always helps

I'm really scared about how suddenly and how deep this - I don't even know what to call it came over me. I am scared to be honest with just how bad I'm feeling both to myself and anyone else.

I want to be there for me kids - to have them see their mom as a strong woman who kept it together. I don't ever want them to feel like they weren't the mostmimportant things in my life. I'm just broken, I can remember our MC saying to my (then) WH - this will destroy her and it has. And I don't think anything can put the pieces back together - I exercise, I see an IC, I take AD. I'm broken, broken, broken

(((Sarah1106)))

Sarah, you deserve to cry. I am sorry to see the children cry and hurt, though. Slowly, you will be stronger again. It sucks right now, but be there for your children. That is what helped me. Write in your journal how much this sucks and what he did. Listen to your friends from here. Believe it or not, you are stronger than you think you are. You have to believe that. YOU ARE!!! You may not feel that, but you are.

I know these few words may only help only temporality. I have been there in the shadows of it. Heck, I am typing you now and not hanging with a girl now. Give yourself some time. Comfort will come.

Don't be afraid to admit this sucks. If you are having impulses to hurt yourself call someone.

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

Call 911.

Maybe you are overwhelmed?

You are not destroyed. You might be broken right now, but the beauty is that you will get to put the pieces back together. And you will get to choose which pieces get left on the floor.

You can do this. Maybe not tonight, not right now, but you will get through this one minute at a time.

There were days when I thought about driving off a bridge. Seriously. Dropping the boys off at school and driving home and calmly imagining letting the car take me over the edge...

I began to take the dog with me on drop offs in the morning. And I took a different route home for awhile that was pretty far out of the way, but did not go over that bridge.

(((Sarah)))

It gets better.

(((HUGS))))

You can do this. You can get through it. Those of us who are further along than you have been where you are, alone, sobbing, with nothing but a bleak future as all we could envision.

It gets better, but it is so hard. I understand how you feel about being alone. By the time STBX & I separated I had no friends left. Barely spoke to my neighbors. I was isolated (a common tactic used by abusers). No faith in myself. It took all of me to reach out to people and basically ask them outright to be friendly with me. I'm completely out of practice talking to other adults about anything other than children-related subjects. But I'm working on it.

It takes baby steps, lots 'n lots of baby steps, to walk yourself out of the dark night of divorce. You can do it.

Do one thing that makes you feel the slightest bit of relief... One thing. Just move forward. We have been there. Trust me... I have been there. Walking out the door and taking a walk, just focus on you. It seems dark and impossible, but it gets better.

..Sarah..i read your desperation in your post.. DO NOT DWELL ON THOSE THOUGHTS>>>>"PLEASE MOVE YOUR MIND OVER TO YOUR CHILDREN !!!!!!!!!!!!

..just think about those kids and your role in their lives for the next 60 to 70 years.. all the things you'll do at all the various stages of their little and big lives.. you can't not be there for them in all that they will do and all the reasons they will have to need you..

..focus on those sweet kids and the job a "MOM" has in their future, their WHOLE future..

..there is no way you would want to miss a second of their life, and they need to see you there watching them grow up, ..

..get yourself on track with a plan to win this battle, win it for you and win it for them. They are counting on you and nothing but your very best will do.. this is not the time to give up on anything..

YOU CAN DO THIS..

((((((((((Sarah)))))))))))

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

I do think about my kids - getting to dance at their weddings, holding a grandchild- and it sustains me for some time and then...well, I can't describe the pain. It is literally searing, hot, stomach turning all at once. Brings me, quite literally to my knees. And I feel in a catch 22 - tell someone how bad I feel, risk being held (my XH is a physician at our hospital), lose my kids and my job. And I may be willing to do that if I felt there would be something in the hospital that would help instead of being stripped of all dignity and pumped full of drugs that may or may not help in a few weeks. I had the unfortunate experience of being hospitalized in my early 20s and found it completely traumatic. Having said that, I readily admit that I have a very AD resistant depression

Your post is logical. You seem very self aware. I understand what you are weighing.

Are you a list maker? Pros and cons for the decisions you are facing? I am a list maker. I like the evidence of my thoughts on paper.

What are the things that help RIGHT NOW? What can be done to take the daily pressures off? What are your lowest moments?

For me it was the mornings. I already shared that. By identifying my "low points" and the dangers, I could actively change something. It feels good to accomplish something, even if it just a solution to an imaginary/emotional block.

I can feel the pain in your post. YOU can do this. Focus on your kids.

((((Sarah))))

Thank u for all your words...made it through. Not quite sure how but I did it and I have an ic session today and I'm getting a haircut. Hoping today is better

.. that's sounding better Sarah!!!

..the hair cut is a great idea and next week go for the 'manicure and peticure'..

..the week after that.....

"NEW SHOES"....

..point is, be good and kind and gentle with yourself for the next while till you get your bearings and regain some balance.

..spoil your self a bit and take more time with your little ones..

post here when you hit those rough patches..

smy

Thank you for checking in. I was hoping you would!

Ooooh! A hair day! Pampering is a good idea...