SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have no idea what it is with the 'spell' married OW is still able to cast over my husband. It is maddening.

He has been NC for years. You would think after nightmare from before the thought of this woman would leave a horrible taste in his mouth.

She pops back in to say she is now

on FB and my husband loses his

freaking mind. I have never seen anything like it.

She is still clearly married, but my H

asked me not to contact her husband because it would destroy her life.

{You've got to be freaking kidding me} I haven't contacted him only because I cannot stand the thought of the drama the call has potential to create. Even short term.

Curious. Is it just the same person

over and over that gets your spouse

/significant other in this mind set or is it the thought of exciting new people each time in your situation?

{Just a little bit of situation to catch

you up}

For years my husband has been transparent. After the ordeal almost 7 years ago, I thought it was a non-issue. Lots of counseling. Really good partnership, healing. No locking phone, laptop....all of the sudden, he starts taking phone with him when he leaves the room. Most of you know the drill very very well, I'm sure.

His text messages were pretty benign, but I know where it was going. He knows better than to even go there. Especially not mentioning it because 'oh. It was no big deal, so

I didn't even think about it' is such BS.

In our situation this woman was someone my husband dated in

college. She broke up with him in grad school 20 YEARS AGO, married and went on to have a family. Seems like when her life gets boring, she reaches out. She has had twins since last time they were in contact. So, apparently the new is wearing off of her family : ( He takes the bait AGAIN He seems rational enough until she comes along. I just don't get it.

Curious where the rest of you are in the one flame verses many new ones. Thank You,

RG

My WH had several affairs, but one OW who had quite a hold over him. She was his first acting out , and (God willing) his last (add a span of 9 years, they had approx 80 encounters over that time...he was always trying to "fix himself").

I go back quite often to the "Why HER???" line of questioning.

For my WH, a SA in treatment, he now realizes she was the most available sexual outlet. Unmarried, no need to take her out to dinner, she knew he loved his wife...she thrived on the illicit quality and the attention. So did he.

Remember, it's YOU he is here with. That disgusting woman has to wake up every day with the knowledge of what whore she is.

You hold all the cards if her H doesn't know. Gather evidence (texts, emails, whatever) put them in an envelope...then delete them off your hard drive so you don't trigger on them. Hide that envelope away. The knowledge that I did this, and can send the little whorish OW down the river to her entire uber-religious family gives me a twisted sense of peace

Let her know you would be happy to expose her, if that gives you peace, then try not to think about the dumb whore.

Peace to you on your journey. May we all find some peace in every day...in some way.

RG-

I get the pleasure of saying "stupid husband did both"

The short lived (less than 2 wks) one was a friend of ours.

The LTEA was a repeat from our HS days . After 35 yrs he just decided he "wanted to see how her life turned out". WTF???

I am sorry that your H is getting sucked back in. Are you able to nip it in the bud? Or is he just blowin' smoke up your ass?

Bitchface has tried to poke the bear recently on Classmates (where he found her) but I have to give him credit. He has no desire to respond, at least right now. Could it happen again, again? Not on my time!

Sending hugs, and hope your H steps up to the plate.

Multiple OW in our case. But last year it was the MOW that has been the hardest for me to get over.

Multiple.

I believe that the way she justified it to herself after the first one, when that didn't work out, she was incapable of being faithful after that.

Two for me

One was just sex, the other he was in love with. Both have the same name. The love one started pushing for marriage and for him to move in with her. That's when the fog broke. I seriously worry about her showing back up.

Same OP, two "affairs" (detail is in my profile). At least this is what I believe.

Tell her husband. He has a right to know what his wife is doing. As a BS too, wouldn't you want to know? You are not ruining her life by doing this, SHE is ruining it (and yours) by engaging in this behavior.

Different OW.

I have read that old flames turned AP die the hardest.

Honestly though, if after all this time MrH had a break in NC with one of the OW AND expected me to protect her...well, I can't say I would D, though it's my gut response. I can say it would be time for a scorched earth approach- both for OW for fishing and him for responding then treating his BW with such disrespect as to ask her to protect his whore from her own choices.

One OW -that we know about. STBX has told so many lies that it's hard to tell. And other evidence, like websites, suggest it may be otherwise. His compartmentalizing gives him the ability to change perspective, so he may not even consider something like a ONS an OW. That was a new thought to me recently.

He is giving up his entire life's accomplishments and work for this OP, giving up status, his children and so many other things. It's shameful to see what he is simply letting go of and makes me cry to this day, even though the damage was greatest done to me.

This thread gives me some insight, thank you, because I have a former BFF -from teen years-who contacts me every so often nowadays and I can't seem to get him to go away. He cheated also and that was why I broke it off-this was over 25 years ago! So to be contacted by him is strange now.

He is married and I wrote him a NC letter because it floored me that the content of what he was writing was heading towards an EA, he hoped, and I refuse.

I felt horrible for his wife, and do you know, he gave the same song and dance they do about "my life and wife are awful."

That's what STBX sold to OW to convince her to keep him.

Irony.

P.S. Sorry my post veered off topic but there was a comment about former relationships sometimes attempting to return.

Depends on whether you believe him or not. When I confronted, he admitted to a PA with someone out of the blue. He never admitted to a PA with the OW I discovered and totally minimized the EA.

I think there was only one OW; she was still M when I confronted, and he probably didn't want to jeopardize her D settlement They had a pre-nup (OW'x X was from a wealthy family.)

Meh.

I have no idea how many. WH claims one: the Alfred E Neuman look-alike MOW.

But oh yes, there was that one inappropriate flirtatious relationship with a COW our first year of marriage and he has no idea what she is talking about in that love letter she wrote him a few years ago.

And none of those email addresses and phone numbers he got in bars while traveling amounted to anything.

And none of the emails he sent to women he met in bars amounted to anything either.

Multiple for my H.

If your husband broke NC after 7 years with this OW, you need to out her. Let's be real here, your husband is not really protecting the OW, he is protecting his access to the OW. You need to pour some sunlight and disinfectant on that bug he keeps catching...notify her husband about ALL of it. She got a free pass 7 years ago and she has the BALLS to come back for more?? No flippin'way.

Approximately 50 for my xdirtbag. And a few cycled through more than once.

Funny, I haven't gotten 1 yeast infection since I stopped sleeping with him (about 1.5 years before the D was final). Imagine that.

Just one, an old flame from 31 years ago. Multiple D Days over a two year period.

I have read that old flames turned AP die the hardest.

^^^^ True, at least in my experience. I'm still not sure if she's really gone

I have NFI - 10, 15, 20? There are 4 which I suspect were LTAs the rest ONS, he has only verified a single two week stand which was OWUglyIndian of DDay fame.

He is currently with OWUmpteen - his 24 year old office gopher. Looking back he was completely inappropriate with her over the course of several years - I didn't really suspect anything because I trusted her taste more NOT because I trusted his fidelity.

These APs do not possess magical powers nor do they cast spells on a WS. They are merely the lowest hanging fruit. If it wasn't them it would be someone else.

Focussing on the AP takes the heat of the WS.

You need to tell her BS, like yesterday. You can't stand the drama? She is contacting your husband, friend. Her husband deserves to know the truth.

He is not protecting you - he is protecting her and himself.

One OW...that I know of...Old gf before I met H and that was 40 years ago. Intense teenage situation...I never knew about her until 4 years ago when e reconnected with her...he looked her up. She was in relationship and fell into bed with him on second "date" When i found out, he canfessed to an A with her 25 years before...when our child was a toddler...she found himthat time...I NEVER knew she exsisted before that, now she is and will always be the other person in his life...I do believe that he was in NC between these As and is in NC now, but that is always sbject to change at any time...it really is a different situation than ONS...

It IS like she is able to put a spell on him...I think he was at least relieved that when the A was ove and realizes to some degree that she is manipulator, but still he was SO concerned for her feelings, her well;being, he refused for a long time to not respond to her calls...maintained she was not a bad person...had a rough life. He totally disregarded the obstacles I overcame in life and what I was going through.

I don' knowrealy even now how to deal with it all...I think I should have left 4 years ago...it would have either ended with her or with me, but instead there will always be a limbo...

....a true stand-off may be the only way to deal with these kinds of A....in my case, Me, your wife/partner in life of 40 years (not soulmates to me anymore) or her, whatever she is to him....not both anymore...ever.

One thing I am committed to is that I literally will never see or speak to WH again if I ever find out there has been ANY contact...phone, in person or on computer...I am not sure if he really believes it.

Both. He had (and continues to have, best I can tell) many anonymous or near-anonymous partners, and one true "love." The latter is married, with a family, and no intention of ever being with my husband. But a phone call from her, and he will drop everything. There is nothing noteworthy about her, other than that she is broken in ways that fit with his broken shards. I suspect they will always be at least tenuously connected as a result.

I kicked him out (2 days after he moved back in after a separation) when I learned NC was never established.

And even as a free agent, he's sticking with AFF and online sex sites for anonymous hookups. (I know this only because we maintain a joint account for his direct deposits, from which I transfer funds monthly---and sometimes his AFF subscription fee, other sex-site things, or Trac-Fone minutes punch me in the eye.)

Still in contact with OW? Yeah probably. There are several reasons a single man might "require" a Trac-Fone. But continuing his relationship with a married woman whose husband knows his cell and and landline numbers is among them.

Mr. Trac-Fone, though, is an equal-opportunity marriage wrecker; his online conquests are not exactly screened for marital status.