SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last week I posted about my friend who commented on my “perfect” H as she asked me if I knew “how lucky” I was. This seemed to strike a chord as many of you could relate.

We are currently on vacay and staying with my parents.

We were out with some friends the other day doing a family type thing and I couldn’t help but notice that my friend of 3o+ years was being extra attentive to my H. She was smiling a little hard and touching him on occasion. I brought this up with him later expressing that perhaps he was giving off a “vibe” and he said, “no way!” He was not doing that and he spent as much time talking to her as he did with her H. He said that he would be more conscious of it when we went to their place for dinner.

Well. He could have been half dead not to notice it this time! Seriously. I was so disgusted by the time I left I wanted to punch her green eyes out!

She rushed a hug with me and then almost pushed me aside to greet him. She was wearing this long dress/low cut and her hair was loose. So was she! I cannot tell you how many times she touched him, stared a little too long and looked for attention in some way from him. In the past I would look away when someone flirted with him. Hello denial is that you? But this time, I watched. I watched her. I watched him. I also noted that she was not being as attentive with her H or the other male guest in attendance.

At one point, she leaned over the couch, breasts squeezing together, grabbed his shoulder and asked if he wanted a drink. When he declined she gripped his shoulder and said, “are you sure?” in this kitten voice. WTF?!

For his part, every time she touched him, Mr. LA would reach over and take my hand or play with my hair or just full out hug me. When we got home he said that yes, he noticed something and it made him uncomfortable but he hoped I knew he was not encouraging it. Which I did.

We are supposed to see them on Monday and I am dreading it. I don’t want to back out bc her son is the same age as ours and he could use a buddy for the rides. Have you ever told a “friend” to stop touching/flirting/feeling up with your H? How did they react?

she is pissing me off, just hearing you talk about it.

Tell her to fuck the hell off and if she lays one more finger on him you will punch her lights out.

At least, that is what I would do.

Kudos to him and I would say something to her

I haven't said anything but if my eyes were daggers they would be dead. Yeah, women get my message (most of the time) loud and clear by the looks and attitude they get from me.

Now, in light of the infidelity, I would say something. I am just wondering how you can say it in a way that won't make the rest of the day uncomfortable, because frankly I would just want to say "Back the fuck off, bitch!"

Yup, except it was my sister, not a friend.

Apparently, she can't hear, so we don't talk anymore

I have said something. It didn't make a difference. She was my H's longest AP. If I were in your situation, I would ask my H to put a stop to it. 'Not encouraging' it would not be enough for me. And, I'd make damn sure he said HE wasn't comfortable with it.

Hey LA

Sorry, That is so disappointing for your friend to act this way.

My only question...why will YOU be talking with her? This is the perfect opportunity for your husband to address this. It isn't the first time it will come up and it won't be the last.

He needs to handle these situations in a manner which shows respect to your marriage and you but also let your friend know it's unacceptable.

I would need my H to stand up for me and our M.

I don't think you should save him here...but that's just my opinion.

I had a similar situation to this with my WH before I knew he was a WH. Well, the wannabe OW was not my friend but I did have to live with her for 3 days.

Honestly in that situation all I wanted was for my WH to react essentially the way yours did - display social ties to me to send the message that im the one he wants to be with.

I think correction coming from the offended spouse often comes across as reactive and can turn into "Gosh why are you so insecure?" Obviously you're not the one with the issue but is it worth giving her the attention she obviously craves?

So I w

Sorry! Posting from my phone!

I would say any correction must come from the WS or the spouse who is flirted with.

She doesn't seem to be a friend of your marriage. Nor does she show you, your H, and her own H respect.

Have you considered cutting ties with her? I'd also block her # to prevent any calls to your WS.

I agree that your H should be the one to speak to her; he should take her aside, then say quietly but firmly: "You are making me feel uncomfortable. Please stop touching me." Then walk back to you and avoid her for the rest of the evening. No need to make a scene.

Why is he not shutting her down? Why is he allowing it to happen?

Why is he not defending your M?

I know you are pissed off at this lady (which is justifiable), but I get a feeling that you defending your H. Why?

He is not a child. He should know what is happening around him. Your WH should be the one doing the talking and stopping this.

Isnt this the point of having healthy boundaries in place? You cannot do it for him. Today, it is this woman, tomorrow, it might be someone you do not know. You cannot 'monitor' your H or tell other how to behave with your H.

He has to solve this. I suggest you hold back and see how he handles this situation. It will tell you a LOT about your H.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 7:28 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Your WH needs to handle this situation. This time it's your "friend." What happens next time...when it's not a "friend" or in front of you? How will he handle this? This situation with this woman is the perfect opportunity for your WH to show you..and himself..that he has learned better boundaries..and he will not allow a woman..ANY woman...touch him,flirt with him,or disrespect him,you,or his marriage. HE needs to shut her down.

You do know this woman is not your friend...right? 30 years is a long time to find out that someone will crawl over you to get to your husband. Im sorry.

How old is your son? Why does your friendship with this woman have any affect on his friendship with her son?

I had this happen with a good friend of ours last year PRIOR to the A. We actually went to away with them for their anniversary and another couple (2 gay guys). Our friend HUNG on WH and the other two guys and kind of ignored her husband. My WH lapped it up - enjoying the attention - until I told him how uncomfortable it made me and he started "blocking" her. She and I actually had a discussion - I was frank with her - said "are you ok? cause you are giving all your attention to everyone but your husband" - she broke down, we had a heart to heart, and everything went back to normal...

I would say if you know the woman well enough, reach out to her not about YOUR feelings, but about hers. She may be crying for help.

My question is, if he noticed it finally, why didn't HE say something to her like "I am uncomfortable with the amount of attention that you are giving to me."

And yes, i would talk to her and explain that there are bounderies and they need to be heeded.

I agree with the posters suggesting your H do the talking to this "friend" of yours, who, by the way, you should cut the you-know-what out of your life, yesterday (JMHO).

Believe me from experience - if YOU do it, you look like an insecure, jealous wife.

Does your "friend" know about your H's A? Just wondering if that has something to do with what she is doing - thinking he's "open" to another one.

Hugs...

Thank you for your replies everyone. I am always impressed and feel relief that you are here.

I can see your point - that H should be the one to say something bc it is happening to him and he needs to defend our M. I cannot "save" him. Another thing I am all to familiar with.

I guess I thought I should be the one to say something bc I am "her" friend and bc I feel like I have never been good at speaking up for myself...and I wanted to do that. But now I "get" that HE has to be the one to do that because as Karmahappens and CL pointed out, this won't be the first or last time this happens AND one day it will come from a stranger instead of a "friend".

I do believe he was doing what he thought was right at the time by grabbing my hand, touching me, etc. Showing affection with me and me only. He certainly wasn't touching her back. In fact, he would physically move away when she did touch him.

Aren't we all programmed to "play nice"? My life story. I have gotten to a place where I don't want to offend someone even tho they are being truly offensive and disrespectful. Because of this, it is sometimes difficult to see another way of doing things.

And let me finish with this....I have been at a party before and had someone come on to me. I didn't do a damn thing about it bc I didn't want to "offend" the person even though he was out of line. I think me and H have some boundary issues to work on.

Okay. We will go through the notes tonight. And thanks SadinAZ for the script. I like it!

YES and it turned into the A! You should say something to her and if she is angry or insulted then she is not your friend. If she is your friend, she will respect the boundaries you set. Your story s déjà vu to me. Keep her away from your H.

Catchyusername, that is a very interesting approach. I really like it bc this has never happened before with this person.

Lalagirl: No. She does not know about the A.

Everyone else asking why are are friends, etc. We met in grade school and were great friends until we "broke up" in highschool - finding our way. We did not re-connect until after we had our first children.

About 8 years ago (our boys are 8) we moved to a different province. I come "home" every summer to see my family. Me and friend would see each other 1-2x during our stay 3 week stay. This has never been an issue until now.