Over the last 2-3 days I have confronted my H with information I've gathered (much from the OW who said she didn't know he was married). The first day he quite readily told me his story and from what I know was finally honest with me. (This has been an EA through phone & e-mail. They were old HS classmates who dated twice!) And when I asked him general questions he told me more specifics that also lined up with what I think to be true. He has been able to manipulate me in the past with his sincere performance and promises. I know, I have been so willing to believe his reassurances. He said it was over with OW, adding that she would no longer talk to him. That bothered me because it sounded to me like he wasn't seeing any 'light' he was just recognizing that the OW wouldn't want a liar in her life. Hmmm...anyway last night, after my IC session, I reiterated to him that I wanted a full commitment from him to me, our marriage, and our future and if that wasn't something he wanted to do I wanted him to leave and go pursue his 'dreams' elsewhere. He was grumpy and a bit sarcastic and said 'He'd try'. I wasn't happy with that response and decided to go walk the dog and think. (His response sounded so like other times when I was pretty sure something didn't go right with the OW and he was crabby/mad.) As I passed his car outside, I looked in the glove box and there was his cell phone. I flipped it open not expecting much because he deletes everything. But there were 2 texts from that afternoon...he sent to her 'can we talk' and she responded 'ok'. I marched right back into the house and gave him his phone and said 'what's this?' He didn't show any signs of squirming but tried to bluff (I don't know, etc.) Everything went downhill (for him) after that.
He finally admitted to calling her and talking to her. He said he ended it with her, but I'm thinking she has really been the one ending it and he can't get his head around it. He said she didn't say anything and he did the talking. I'm not buying much of what he told me, though I know there's probably truth mixed in with his BS.
Right now, I am willing to see where this can go and if we can get to a point of truly recovering and reconciling. And if he can't figure out what to do I am ok with ending this marriage. It's not what I want, but as many of you know it's really what might be best for me.
What I need some insight for is his response to me last night after I confronted him with his phone. Over the next two hours I think I saw every possible phase, repeatedly. He apologized over and over. He blamed me by bringing up little incidences/problems I have been wrong about. He stated he was leaving because he couldn't live with my questions. He railed at me saying I didn't trust him and then would admit he knew why. He tried to bluff his way around his conversation last night with OW when I said I needed to call her and confirm what he was telling me he said. He blamed my IC for 'beating him to the ground, through me' (!!!) In essence he threw so many temper tantrums I actually laughed at some of them, which infuriated him. Last of all, he started 'packing' by randomly walking around the house and pulling out some of his possessions like old cigar boxes, some old papers and calendars, etc. And every time, other than 1 or 2 slips, I didn't back down or argue or plead with him. I nodded my head when he said he was leaving. I agreed with him that he was 'lower than the mat on the floor' and other such brow beating claims. In many ways I felt pretty good and like I might be finally getting through to him that I mean business...
But I can tell you all that his actions scared me. In our 40 years of marriage I have never seen him do anything like this and seem so out of control. I need some advice or encouragement about how to handle whatever may come today. I'm sure he will try to either reestablish his dominance in our relationship or act so beaten down that I'll start to feel sympathetic. I don't want to lose this slight momentum I feel I have taken...but I feel lost right now and so unsure of my next steps.
Thanks.