SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was working as a temporary receptionist - answering phones and greeting people in an office for a day, a job I have done maybe 3 or 4 times prior in this office. It was a long boring day and towards the end of the day I ended up googleing my AP. I saw an article where he was interviewed and he mentioned things that I didn't know, so I became curious and searched. I searched him, his BW & their DD.

This was in May. I knew it was wrong and hated that I did it. I actually felt nothing but curiosity but it was completely wrong for me to do. When I saw my AP in town a week later (first time since prior to DDay), I felt nothing but remorse for my A.

Friday my BH questioned me and asked why I did this. I know being bored and curious doesn't make this understandable or acceptable to him or me.

It was a long boring day and towards the end of the day I ended up googleing my AP.

Why didn't you choose to do a crossword puzzle instead? Why the choice to look up AP? Why does he still matter? Why did you hide it for 2 months?

How is Tred holding up?

ok, so why did you do it?

You used your old coping skills of escape.

The term HALT Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, and what do you do when you feel that way, has been discussed on these boards in the past, and it's something I discuss in IC too.

When you feel any of these feelings H.A.L.T. how do you act? People in general react in all sorts of ways, some healthy, many unhealthy.

Do you do something healthy or unhealthy? You choose an unhealthy way to deal with your boredom. Think of what else you could have done, what have you done in the past, and why did you choose an escape to cope in the past and this time?

Aubrie, I did do suduko & crosswords. I even took a book I have with puzzles to help with my boredom. I got bored with them also. It was a horrible choice I made and I am ashamed to admit it. I didn't tell Tred because I knew it was something I shouldn't have done. Instead I choose to forget about doing it because my AP doesn't matter. You may say he does matter because I was googling him, but I felt nothing. It didn't make me miss him or want to contact him. I don't think of my AP fondly at all. When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

Tred is hurting. Hurting because I didn't tell him and because he now wonders how often I think of my AP.

badchoice, interesting response. I cannot remember reading about H.A.L.T. but it is something I will pay more attention to when I have those feelings. I did choose an unhealthy way to react to my boredom, I do know that.

So what happens the next time you get bored? If you really "didn't feel anything toward AP" and you "just so happened" to look him up, (and I'm not buying that) what happens the next time?

When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

Why?

So what happens the next time you get bored? If you really "didn't feel anything toward AP" and you "just so happened" to look him up, (and I'm not buying that) what happens the next time?

I certainly won't be looking him up on Google. I have been bored many times before and did other things in these past 20 months. I know I fucked up, I felt it after I turned the computer off.

When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

Why?

Why did I want nothing to do with him? Why did I walk away? Because I had no desire to confront him, no urge for him to see me, nothing to say to him.

so you broke NC because you were bored?

I became curious and searched.

Why does he still matter? And there is something there, otherwise you wouldn't be curious. What that thing is, only you know.

Because I had no desire to confront him, no urge for him to see me, nothing to say to him.

Yet you looked him up. Because you don't want to confront, see, or talk to him...?

SandAway, I did the same thing. Used the "I was bored/hurt/whatever" excuse. It's bullcrap. Truth is, I was angry. I hated that my life was going to hell in a handbasket and he was getting away scot free. I wanted to see if I could find anything that showed me he was miserable or failing at life somehow. I was deflecting from the real issue. Me. Bottom line is, it shouldn't matter. At. All.

This is all you Sand. Your actions, your thoughts, your coping mechanisms. You have the choice to act or not act upon them. Dig deeper Sand. You're only scratching the surface.

I agree with Aubrie and the others. You weren't "just bored"and you did care about him and what he and his family were doing, hell you even told us for cripes sake!

You need to be completely honest with yourself here. Him passing for a second into and out of your brain is something you can't control. You keeping that thought, letting the roots of it grasp around your heart and then taking it further by acting on it; sprouting a hidden ugly growth and all that shit has to be plowed down, pulled out and burned.

Not only that, but you gotta get on your hands and knees and dig! You gotta get to the root of this shit cause if all you do is chop a branch here or cut the top there, you're just letting those roots grow deeper and wider and stronger.

You don't owe us an answer here and this shit does take time. So think. REALLY think about what you were feeling that night. First you were bored and then ___ then you thought of the AP and then ___ you felt ___ until you ___…… then ask yourself Why. One suggestion I have is next time your AP pops into your head, look at a pic of Tred. Call Tred, messages him. Replace the AP with Tred. I bet you anything you will feal better remembering the love between you two than the feelings of guilt and shame. Tred, I'm sure, would also appreciate you putting him first.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

I've asked twice why you did what you did and crickets from you, SandAway. What are you running from?

Admitting that here was really brave, and shows (IMO) that you want to get to the bottom of it.

The others made great points, I won't pile on.

SandAway

What may scare you is that I have had this urge to google my AP as recently as a few months ago. This urge has only cropped up when I am feeling lonely or negative in some way. It is fortunately rare. I know that any contact would be destructive not just to my BH but to me. I know that whether he is dead or alive, successful or miserable , married or single, it doesn't matter.

So I remember that when I did this years ago, I only felt 100x worse after. Not to mention the dagger it put in my BH.

NC means no new hurts. For true.

Thanks everyone.

MissesJai, I am not running from anything. I honestly felt it was out of boredom. I am trying to look beyond that.

Aubrie, he doesn't matter. I would love to have read that he died in a car crash or that his wife left him. I honestly feel he has not suffered at all from the A. And yes, it pisses me off, but what can I do, not a damn thing. Your right, I shouldn't give a rats ass about him.

My thoughts of him are not roses and rainbows. Only the hurt that was caused by my A are in my thoughts. I see Tred suffer though his love for me everyday and every night. Not a night goes by where he isn't holding me in bed while his mind goes to the movies. Those movies involve me and would never be there if it wasn't for my A. Those movies cause him to trigger physically. His body reacts, twitching and triggering, yet he holds me tighter until he can finally fall asleep. And often, it continues though the night. It just tears me apart...

It is hard not to feel like shit when I watch Tred suffer so much. I usually pick myself up and keep going. I have never really thought about how I am feeling at a particular moment and how I react to that feeling. That's why the comment by badchoice (as well as Mrs Panda) has made me pause and think.

stilllovinghim, Thanks, you gave me some stuff to think about also. BTW, I do text, email & call Tred throughout the day. And it helps quite a bit.

Thank you for responding. It bears repeating that your breaking NC goes beyond boredom. There's something else there - something either you can't see or don't want to see. I know how hard it is to see your BH hurting. I remember those days well. Keep working, keep digging.

I agree that boredom is not a good reason. There was a thought, however fleeting, that you had that led you to search him. It may be shameful to admit to yourself.

he doesn't matter

No Sand. That's not true. If it was, than this:

I would love to have read that he died in a car crash or that his wife left him. I honestly feel he has not suffered at all from the A. And yes, it pisses me off, but what can I do, not a damn thing.

wouldn't have been said. You contradict yourself.

I know what it's like to see your hubby's pain. I see QS's pain.

I agree that it was nervy of you to post this. It's hard to 'fess up when you know everyone here will be on you like dots on dice. Keep digging. You can do it.

Boredom is also a chemical reaction, or rather the impetus to search for one. Opioids. They're released when we are exposed to something new or dig deeper into something we enjoy.

Sitting at a desk for long hours may make someone bored. I can see that. What that person grabs onto to assuage that feeling is what, I'd think, would be the question. Why him? What are you missing that you've somehow linked to him?

If he truly didn't matter to you he'd not be on the list of something "to do" when bored.

Wasn't going on AM something you did when you were bored? I may have you confused with someone else, if so, I apologize.

There are literally endless things that are fascinating if we find the time to research, study, learn about. Googling him was a hit. You recognized it and regretted it but there's still a link your brain recognizes that as something that will get rewarded when entertained, and it's strong enough that your BH's pain wasn't enough of a deterrent.

Like MJ, aubrie, and others have pointed out, that has to be explored and evicted.

Sand, I'm only speaking from my own experience here, when I would think of AP I imagined just punching myself in the face at a rapid pace or banging my head into the steering wheel over and over and this went on for nearly a year. Daily. Every few seconds, sometimes minutes, later hours and slowly days.

I started trying to think of my H instead. My brain would jump back to the AP, I'd get those feelings of anger and disgust and embarrassment at myself and at him, then I'd jump back to my H. AP would come back in again and that goddamn hopscotch seemed to never end. I'd envision the AP as a steaming pile of shit with flies buzzing around him.

These little mind fucks, I thought, were what I was supposed to deal with, suppossed to be normal, right? Hate and rage for the AP and myself, right? Well, one day on SI I was posting about something similar and I think it was Clarissa who told me this, " The objective is NOT to hate the AP. The objective is INDIFFERENCE".

I was like, and I didn't know quite then how exactly to get to that point BUT, I had a goal! For myself, I don't know about others here, but for myself, I went from hating the AP, to actually feeling bad for him and anyone he has a relationship with (pitty for AP was because I knew he'd never change and never know the joys these changes can bring) then later, I just didn't give a shit.

I stopped caring one way or another. Stopped worrying about how unfair it was he "got away Scott free" stopped the tortureous mind games of hopscotch hell, stopped pittyng him and any of his future relationships and the thoughts became less and less frequent and my give a fuck 'o meter was empty.

It took a long time and when he does enter my mind, which, nowadays it's caused by a trigger in a movie or show with infidelity, I literally picture myself swatting the memory away like a fly.

I don't know what your journey will be like, everyone's is different, but maybe what will help you is what helped me. Learn to not give a flying rats ass. Break your give a fuck 'o meter.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

When I saw my AP in town a week later (first time since prior to DDay), I felt nothing but remorse for my A.

Actual remorse or shame? Because there is a difference.

It seems as if there is something you are holding onto. It may not be a torch for the AP himself, but maybe the feelings that the A may have given you that have vanished since DDay. Maybe the things he said to you. The way he made you feel about yourself. There might be certain aspects if the A that you have a particular fondness for that fueled your curiosity.

Even wanting to see that he has died a violent death gives him power over you. Like SLHim stated, indifference is the ultimate goal. Dig deep and find out why you are Really curious about him and his family. Are you hoping to find some clue that he is having a hard time living without you?

Boredom was not your motivation. It's your excuse.