SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday my XH was given a letter by my lawyer regarding alimony termination and child support modification.

It started out with a text message from him: Wow, not even a heads up?

Now this:

Momma,

I’m not bothered by the action you are taking as much as the fact that you did it as you did. You had this planned when you asked for my address earlier this summer – though I was too ignorant to see why you needed it; I thought it was so you would know where the kids would be. In actuality, you wanted it in order to send the legal documents from your lawyer.

Yesterday was really bad timing – things are going downhill very fast for me at (job), as well as our overall direction. My job is in a high-risk of failure now, with termination possible (though my boss says “we’re not necessarily at that point yet”). In reality, though, it is approaching that point. So, it’s really bad timing, and it was the end of another day of people resigning from my department. The company has to take drastic action to change how things are going, and I am likely going to be the target (though it’s largely out of my control). It’s like I’m a coach, and the team’s doing badly. Coach gets replaced. I’m trying hard to overcome this, but it’s not a good situation. (This is me: he just traded his car in for a brand new Mercedes in April for his 10 year work anniversary)

Anyways, coming home and seeing this letter from your lawyer yesterday really surprised me, and I would have thought that we had a decent enough relationship around the kids to be able to be open about these things. I don’t have a problem modifying the child support and I am in support of the action (though financially at times it can be hard, I believe that I’ve been supportive of kids’ expenses).

The way it was done makes me feel like I’m viewed as a deadbeat dad, with the way you approached it. Is that really how you see me? It’s extremely disappointing.

Some of the language in this is really bothersome – especially how it is urgent that the child support must be modified before July 25th, when the order for alimony expires. This is how to handle it? This is what you meant by your response to my request for some help in kids’ expenses while they are out here: “I am preparing with the loss of alimony income in the next 3 weeks. That's a big chunk of my budget that I will need to make up monthly. ”. By preparing, you meant this – why couldn’t you just say that?

Now off to court. Perfect. It was that urgent? The extra money you have this summer while not having to pay for kids’ expenses and upkeep while they are here couldn’t have bought you time? But it’s not money going to the kids, right? It’s money going to legal fees. Great. Good to know it’s being put to good use. Seems appropriate.

I don’t like how this is going, and I don’t like the surprise letter and order received on Monday for a court date on Thursday. It’s too much – and hardly time to dig up or obtain all of my pay stubs – they don’t fluctuate, so I don’t keep them anyways. I will be wasting my time this week – and away from work, which I really can’t afford right now, as well as time away from the kids – in obtaining a lawyer and going to court. If you’ve been planning it for a while, you could have at least prepared me. Kids are on their own tonight, as I have to now go talk to attorneys. And I can’t AFFORD an attorney – but can I afford not to at least have equal representation as you do? And if there was open communication, probably wouldn’t be necessary. But since I’m not clear on what’s going on, and I’m not clear on the language – I have to do this.

I don’t know what to expect, but I also am not happy with how things are going. I don’t think it’s fair, and I don’t think it’s right. I asked for some compensation to help with kids’ expenses here, and when you claimed hardship, I didn’t push. I tried to understand your situation and sympathize.

Why couldn’t you just give me a head’s up? Work is going to hell, and then this.

Thanks – glad we have such good communication.

XH

I shouldn't have responded but did with this:

XH,

This was not a plan by me when I asked for your address. I asked for your current address so as their mother I knew where they would be for the summer. The only address I had for you was (GF's town).That was in May.

I knew this day would come up in 5 years. I knew you would be upset regardless if I gave you a heads up or not. It's inevitable with a divorce and children involved.

I contacted my old lawyer on July 11th, not May regarding the alimony situation knowing that it was to end. He stated to me that a court order to terminate would be needed for it to stop or it would continue on until one of us stopped it. That date the lawyer chose was because it is the 5 year mark. He then brought up issues about child support. I told him what I knew. It only made sense financially to bundle these issues together to lessen the impact on lawyer fees. Nothing more.

It's your choice to retain a lawyer.

As for the other things you stated below, I'm not going to even answer.

Momma

Next email him:

again, no heads up?

He's called me and text me to please call. Then another email: Can we talk on the phone? I'm not trying to fight. Just talk.

I have not responded. Why should I? He knows what is happening.

We had a decent co parent relationship before. We talked or emailed when it concerned the kids well beings or schooling. This changed that dynamic totally.

I worry because the kids are with him right now for his visitation for the summer. I have also given him more than our agreement every year for summer break because we live 2,000 miles apart so we don't have the standard EOW thing. Time is not a factor in CS as we divorced in Illinois.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 3:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

I love non-custodial parents who think that all the bills required to keep a roof over your kids' heads just come to a screeching halt when they aren't there like your mortgage company or landlord just knocks off the portion that contains the kids' rooms while they're gone... idiots.

Poor muffin. My heart just bleeds for him.

Wow.... he's manufacturing drama!!

His SS is ending! WTF is his problem?

So what the the CS is being reviewed at the same time. That is what happens from time to time.

The fact that he is focusing on you NOT giving him notice of this happening is quite ridiculous. I do understand his issues with having to leave work to appear, though, and didn't realize from your previous post that he would be required to do that.

What's his problem with getting pay stubs? I guess I have all mine on line so it isn't an issue. All he has to do is go to payroll and get a printout, right?

Again, he is manufacturing drama.

I would talk to him via the phone and let him do all of the talking, answering questions with only yes or no. Then when he is done, reiterate what you have already written and hang up.

Hear what he has to say, but give him the same treatment he gave you after D-Day... No care in the world for him like he didn't care for you.

Did you hear that ... ? It's the violins.

You know what, that's all his problem. Not your responsibility. He is quite the drama queen.

Poor baby (insert sarcasem).

You didn't give him a heads up. How DARE you?!

Pffft. WTF-ever!

He doesn't have to appear, my lawyer told him that is his choice to or not. Funny, he didn't take off work to appear at our divorce hearing. I did...even flew back to Chicago from Seattle to do it.

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this is drama. My dad and step mom said the same. She even said he didn't give you the same courtesy when he was stepping out with his GF.

He's called a few times but I've not answered. He won't leave a message so I know it's not a kid emergency. My oldest has a cell so I message her directly if I need/want to talk to the kids.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 6:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

OMG - his email makes my skin crawl.... Can you say NPD?

You are D'd - why is there SO MUCH information in there about him?! I don't give a fuck if it's bad timing, don't need the explanation about how you are like a "coach," don't need to hear how hard it will be for you to hire a L, don't care that it makes you feel like you are a deadbeat dad, that you don't like the language (care about your image much?) and on and the fuck on!!!

Doesn't he realize that you don't give a fuck about him and that is why you D'd him?

He' s a big boy who made decisions that caused you to D him - put your big boy pants on and deal with the consequences!! And no, we aren't going to wait for a time when it is convenient for you. Jackass.

Blah Blah Blah

I don't like the consequences of my actions....

Blah Blah Blah

Can you please stroke my ego a bit...

Blah Blah Blah

Rescue me Momma - its your damn job!!

Blah Blah Blah

I can't believe you won't let me control you anymore - its your damn job!!

Blah Blah Blah

Its all your fault.

I'm guessing you had a decent relationship because you didn't do anything that he deemed to be out of his control or that made him uncomfortable.

If he chooses to change the parenting relationship please take heart that it would have happened anyway, whether or not you proceeded with the divorce (as you are absolutely entitled to!). If he does turn into a monster it shows he was just waiting for a reason to. Any old reason would do.

((Mommato4)) I'm all for keeping the peace but it is no longer my job to make sure he is happy with everything or to adjust my choices/decisions based on his reaction. He sacked me from that job the day he cheated. Quite frankly it should never have been my job. That was one of the biggest issues.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:40 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

OMG poor baby.

All I got was me me and oh me in that rant from him.

Crickets from now on unless it urgently about the kids.

((Momma))

As I read the responses all I see is vengeance and bitterness.That's destructive and nobody "wins" As I read his letters I see room for negotiation and a request for better communication.I see the potential for a new agreement to be worked out.Personally I believe that once you start an adversarial relationship the only ones who win are the lawyers.You two will have a relationship until the kids are grown. Negotiation often with a mediator for the kids sake if possible is better than a war of lawyers.He may be receptive to this.Is vengeance and "winning" more important than the kids and developing a civilized relationship?

If he contacts you anymore about this just ignore him. You would think he'd be happy about the SS ending. The CS hasn't been modified in 5 years. Might as well do that while your in court.

@DannyJ, I thought the same when I first saw posts here. But then my own experience burst that bubble pretty quickly.

If you know anyone who has been through infidelity then D and has managed to do it in a civilised, respectful and mutually beneficial manner where all parties do the right thing then please send me a photo of the unicorn they are sitting on.

Do not expect in D what you did not get in your M.

DO expect in D what you DID get in your M.

These WS cheat because there is something seriously wrong with them. They hide it, lie to us and do it for years because they are nasty SOBs.

There is no way to reason with them. Any reasoning gives them an opportunity to exert control and mindfuck us further.

Not on my watch.

After blowing up my phone yesterday which I ignored...yay me...I woke up to this latest email:

Momma,

Let's compromise. Why not just keep going with the alimony? I think it'll likely be a wash either way, based on calculations, from what you get today.

But better not to waste the legal fees. I'm so used to the deduction - I don't notice either way - and didn't even think about it until earlier this summer when you mentioned it.

The only thing that I will ask is that you help send some support back my way when the kids are here.

It seems fair - your compensation stays the same, no need for attorney fees. And no need for any issues.

I'm used to what it is, and I think it's fair both ways.

Let me know what you think.

XH

Me thinks he's trying to hide something...stay status quo. Plus according to our decree, alimony is for 5 years ONLY. Tomorrow is 5 years.

@dannyj

No vengeance here. I'm following my divorce decree according to what WE both agreed upon. I've taken it upon myself to make sure my alimony ends at the correct time because according to everyone I've discussed it with, it's not automatically (through the state) stopping and has to be court ordered. I'm doing that because my XH wouldn't, just like he didn't do a damn thing during the divorce. I'm making sure to CYA so I don't get burned down the road.

I know his actions. He flips out and rages, then turns around and becomes like the latest email, lets compromise and is all nice and shit. It's his cycle which I choose to not be a part of anymore.

And this is the first time CS modifications have happened to him ever. Even his 1st wife didn't take him to court in 16 years.

Also Momma, in most places that I've heard of on here, and in my own province, he gets to deduct alimony on his taxes, but has to pay on CS money, just like we don't have to claim CS money.

Look, maybe he is totally on the up and up. Maybe you two could have just sat down, looked at his paystubs/tax returns, and worked out the new numbers. BUT...you still would have had to have papers drawn up, because your original papers say alimony ends now. If you just kept things the same, somewhere down the line, you would have gotten nailed by the IRS, or someone for getting monies you weren't entitled to.

So, maybe you can call him up and talk about it, he can send you payslips and the like and you can do this without all the court stuff and two lawyers...but it does have to be done, and at least one lawyer has to be involved to write it up.

If he is trying this nice act to try and hide the fact he's making $30,000 more and even without alimony, your CS should go way up, more than the alimony...well, that's going to come out whether you use two lawyers or he just sends you the stuff...because you KNOW how this works,and you aren't just going to trust him to tell you the amount he makes without seeing the payslips/tax returns.

So, I would send him an email back, saying you can just have your lawyer draw it up if he wants to save the attorney fees, so send you his papers.

OTOH...the fact that his first email just is full of blame of you using money to pay lawyers instead of on the kids and how you didn't give him the break he wanted...you could and maybe should just keep going now that you have it there with the L.

Danny, I see what you are saying, but many here have been burned by trying to "play nice", so people are skeptical. Yes, maybe she could have given him a heads up since things had been going well, but this had to happen regardless if she gave him notice or not. Alimony needs to end. CS needs to be adjusted.

Your reference to mediation does not apply in this case; they are divorced, this is just CS modification. There is nothing to mediate; CS is based on the table from her state, and it is what it is.

Sounds like to me Dickhead is making a lot more than he was 5 years ago and knows child support increase will be more than what he is paying now for SS. The same douche that was sending Email rants and blowing up your phone just days ago wants to keep giving you SS out of the kindness of his heart. Yea right!!

What a whiny, pissant, crybaby PITA! Stick to your guns. You are absolutely right to do it through the lawyer in order to protect yourself. You already know you CAN"T trust him. What a fuckweasel! (Had to steal that from the DYAC post in F & G )