SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dad, I just want to say that it is sooo clear that your number # 1 priority is your kiddos!! Stay the course and in the future your children will realize that YOU were the parent that put them first!! All. the best, Jamie

Sorry double post.(

Sorry double post.(

You may want to test your theory by saying something via phone or in person known to set her off and see if she sets off. If not, she's been advised. Or when she says something self agrandising in a text, immediately correct her reality in reply and then disengage. Her documentation will be tainted. Or remind her via text how traumatizing her porn pics to Romeo that she allowed her kids to see are to them.

Thanks, Everyone.

So, better than 50/50 custody if you can get it. If you can't get the upper hand on that, then you certainly are NOT going to end up with worse than 50/50. 50/50 is your worst-case scenario.

It looks like her new job will in fact enable her to squeeze in technically 50% of overnights.

If this indeed is correct and this ends up being the settlement, does this automatically lower the CS payments? Or will her considerable income then take precedence?

(Again, she grosses over 100K and has for the last three years, and I have grossed around 60k.)

Again, I don't believe she truly wants 50% because of her desire to spend that much time with the children.

(Maybe I'm wrong; maybe as one of you indicated, maybe she finally realizes she needs to be a better parent. I am skeptical, though. She has always believed herself to be a wonderful parent through all of this, oblivious to her destructive actions.)

Rather, her irate response in mediation when she was informed of what she will have to pay if it drops below 50% leads me to believe it's more about the money.

I will ask my attorney, of course, but what do you think or know about the overnights vs. income disparity issue?

Is it one or the other? A combination of both?

Thanks!

Combination Dad. Yes, she will have to pay less if she gets 50/50. Yes, she will have to pay more if her income is up.

Fight the 50/50 Dad. If you are saying *technically* she can do it, I have to believe you are saying it because IF she has the kids EVERY night she is home, it will work.

1. We all know she isn't going to want them EVERY night she is home.

2. If it isn't a set schedule, I mean, she will be home to have them EVERY Wed and Thurs nights, if her schedule is variable and she will be here some Wednesdays, but not others and she would expect the 50/50 to work around her schedule, that's really not good for the kids. If it's going to be this week Mon Tues she is home, then next week Mon Thurs, and the week after Tuesday only....that's a pain for the kids especially when school starts. They need to know where they are each night, not it's always variable.

If that's the case, what I would do is say no when she comes back with 50/50, you still saying 60/40 or whatever. Let her blow her stack. Have a hissy fit, the whole 9 yards. Down the road when negotiating. You can say look, the kids need SET nights for sleeping where, and that you can't do since your days home are variable. What I will offer is lets set these nights, and then if you let me know a week in advance, you can have dinner/an evening with her on other days you are in town. No overnights tho. See if that makes her happy.

AD, here's how I believe CS works in my state:

There is a formula that is based on income and # of kids.

This formula gives you the monthly amount of CS.

This amount is then multiplied by the % of parental time.

So if the monthly amount is $1,000 (totally made up #), and you have 50/50 placement....then each of you will be expected to provide $500. 40/60 = $400/$600, etc....

Thank you. Your responses are helpful.

You can say look, the kids need SET nights for sleeping where, and that you can't do since your days home are variable.

^^

And this is the rub, for her:

Her job is very erratic and unpredictable. She's been at it only a few weeks and they have called her out-of-town spur-of-the-moment several times, leaving me to pick up the slack.

So I doubt her company will be able to promise a set schedule; thus our kids won't have one. Thus this, I hope, gives me some reasonable room for a case against 50/50.

It is just not feasible with her particular job.

If she wants the 50/50 so badly, she can quit her job. But then she'd still be on the hook for willfully declining employment, and based on her earning capacity/potential, she'd still owe considerable CS, unless I'm wrong.

(I hate all of this. Still can't believe it...)

So I doubt her company will be able to promise a set schedule; thus our kids won't have one. Thus this, I hope, gives me some reasonable room for a case against 50/50.

This is exactly what I mean. I think it should be a case against 50/50, if her job is totally all over the board on when she will be home and not, I'd argue that it isn't in the kids best interest to never know where they will sleep on school nights. It's really tough to do a project when you are working on it at dads building that volcano, and you think you have 2 more nights but mom all of a sudden is home and now you have to go there and can't take all the supplies...

or the other way around. They slept at mom's last night and think they are coming back there tonight, but while they were at school she got a call to fly out, and they left things at her house that they need.

If she can't give a month in advance at least, I think she can't guarantee it will be 50/50, so it shouldn't be that on paper. Get 60/40, or more, and she is always welcome to have the kids more if she is in town, because of course you would never block access. Get it 70/30 on paper, and say it can always be reviewed in 6 months if she is taking them more...We all know she won't exercise it. It would cut into her dating life.

What you decide really depends on all of your personal styles, how you feel about *going with the flow*, and your personal support system.

I, personally, am a fan of the *set* schedule. But predictablility and routine are important to me and the kids. I don't have instant-access babysitters, the kids are involved in a lot of activities, and one of my kids is special-needs and gets out-of-whack if his life isn't structured. Also we *tried* the "I'll let you know on Sunday what 2 nights I want them this week" and it was awful. *I* couldn't plan anything and the kids never knew where they were going to be on which night. It sucked and so when stbx wanted to implement that schedule as the permanent schedule because it *worked fine*, I told him "No, it doesn't work for anyone but you. Pick your days."

This was also a sticking point for me because stbx had always had a very blase attitude and would come and go as he pleased without worrying about anyone else's schedule because he knew that *I* was always there for the kids. So now that we are divorcing, I'm no longer willing to *go with the flow* so that he can be inconsiderate of everyone else's time (he's his own boss and makes his own schedule).....so if he was going to insist on the amount of time that he was insisting on, then he was going to have to *make it work*.

Anyway. My point is that you have to really think about and be honest about what will legitimately work for you.

Personally, I don't see how your WW sees 50/50 working very easily or well if she's called out of town at the last minute all of the time and I think that it will be very hard on you.

*Ideally* she wants 50/50 to work, but *realistically* it sure seems like it'll be a clusterfuck and hard on the kids.

Thank you. Again, very helpful.

Just traded off the kids with a few minutes of face-to-face. Now I am sitting, crying pathetically. That NC and 180 are some powerful stuff, as I have not responded like this for a while. Well, back on it, of course.

It is very very hard emotionally (understatement). There she was--same person, lovely-looking, the woman I've spent over ten years with, sleeping with, going through every detail of life with, joys, losses... And it's over.

And she just left with our children. It's just so upsetting and surreal.

I'm going to give myself a little time to cry, and then go out and stay busy.

Thanks again.

And now only a mere thirty minutes later, I'm Ok!! A few months ago (to say nothing of nine months ago) I would have been ruined for days.

My rapid recuperation makes me so. Incredibly. Relieved!

And this time I didn't even have to refer to my List of Horrible Things She Has Done. It seems I'm just...over it? Or at least really getting there.

As you all assured me so many times in the past, I will be OK!

Just wanted to share the good news.

You are inching along nicely. That's the way it is. You've come a very long way in a very short time and will continue to 'inch'. The good news is that you are moving in the right direction.....just keep inching, keep moving in the right direction and keep being kind to yourself whilst always protecting yourself. Yes, you will get there and you will be ok.

Oh and don't foerget to pat yourself on the back for your progress you've made, and don't forget to cry when you still need to. It's grieving and it's ok to grieve your loss.

Think of it as a mountain you are climbing. The climb is tough but the view from the top is exhilarating. When you get there you will see clearly. Your future is already awaiting you and will be as fab as you want to make it.

I've said it before, gonna say it again: You are my hero today AD.

Keep it up, you're doing really well.

You're doing great, Abbondad.

Dad,

The way CS was calculated 10 years ago with 50/50 custody. There is a schedule for household income x how Many kids, it gave an amount for CS. That amount was divided by percentage of the household income.

Example : She makes $100,000

You make $ 50,000

Household income $150,000

State guidelines 2 kids in $150,000 household CS minimum at $3,000 per month,

She would be responsible for 2/3 of CS ($2,000) while you would be responsible for 1/3 ($1,000). Because you have 50/50 custody, she would be paying you $500 a month in CS.

And it can always be negotiated. I have friends paying no CS, instead they are paying for private schools, getting the kids cars at 16, putting money into an educatoon fund for the lids college. it can be worked out on all sorts of ways. The choice is up to the 2 of you.

Hugs,

K

Really fight the 50/50 for the mere fact she hasn't gotten them for 50/50 thus far. Do you have a calendar that you could kind of look back on the last year on and show that she DID NOT get her children as often as that? IF you have a few hours w/o kids, you could really go back thru your posts and have a large calendar by your side (even make your own) and write down every single time she got them/did not get them/dropped them off early,etc.

Our papers say kids stay overnight with Dad on Tues or thurs and they are supposed to stay overnight. He brings them home at 9 because he lives with OW and our kids can't have overnights with her (per standard orders in SC).

What will happen is she will get 50/50 and pay less, but won't be able to get the kids all the time, and you will be feeding them, paying water bill (showers), driving to and from school, etc.

Wait,,,didn't someone on this site say they got it in their divorce papers that if the other parent did not get the kids on xyz day that they had to pay her for child care or something?

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:42 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Thanks, Everyone, for cheering me on. :-)

Do you have a calendar that you could kind of look back on the last year on and show that she DID NOT get her children as often as that? IF you have a few hours w/o kids, you could really go back thru your posts and have a large calendar by your side (even make your own) and write down every single time she got them/did not get them/dropped them off early,etc.

I have indeed kept pretty good records since November--both on a calendar and in my journal.

However, if I fight for more than 50/50 using these as "proof," can't she just say that I made it up? That I just wrote all this down just recently? Can't she just deny it? (As I am sure she would.)

Oh, and here is one of my aces--and my attorney seemed pleased about this:

At the very beginning, when she left our home five separate times (prior to her leaving for good) for overnights at the POS's (presumably), I informed my neighbors, both of whom are in law enforcement and often testify for DCF. I have since kept them apprised of the situation.

They have known our children all their lives and are very aware that I have always been the primary caregiver. They have also witnessed additional irresponsible actions of my WW over the years.

I still hope that this can be settled out of court, however, as a trial would literally bankrupt me and this affect my children adversely.

Dad, here's the one part I still don't think you are getting. Fighting for what is right for you and for your children does not mean it will end up in an ugly court battle. I really hope your L can get you to see this.

Make a list of what is important to you, what you REALLY want. Your optimal. Pie in the sky dream.

Then make a list of what your bottom line would be.

Then make a list of what you *think* are the things that she wants.

You offer your optimal (or close to it). She will counter with something stupid. Then you start negotiating it down...to what you really really want, and believe is attainable.

I REALLY wanted to find a way to buy him out of the house. Not because I like this house, I hate it, but because I KNEW if we sold it/paid off the debts I would not have enough to buy a new place for the kids and I. Anywhere. Also, I knew where I could rent, and I didn't want the kids going to school there. So that was important to me.

I also didn't want 50/50, because I KNEW he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. I knew I'd still end up doing half the feeding and running around even if it was his time. So I wouldn't go for it.

So, those were my "hills to die on" and I got what I wanted on both. I offered to take more of the debt if he would sign off on the house. Before I did this, I talked to a mortgage broker and made sure I could make it fly and refinance in my name only.

He wanted 50/50, I said no, you can't get them after school/feed them/get them to their events. He, with the mediator, tried then to say it would still be his time, but the kids could come here after school, I could feed, take them where they need to be, then he could show up and he could PAY ME to babysit them. I growled. Literally. If they are in my house, they are in my CUSTODY. No one is paying me to babysit my own kids. I talked to him about his work schedule, the kids schedules, etc., and made him see that it wouldn't work, and that i would still have all the cost of feeding and running around. I offered him an extra overnight during the week instead of just dinners to make him see that I wasn't trying to take the kids away. Before school wasn't my issue, after school was. He agreed. Inside of 6 months, the weeknight overnights ended.

So, stop thinking that you must concede on everything or many things in order to get this done without court. Chances are, you are going to go back and forth and get it done without court. And even if you do end up in court in the end, it does not mean that it will be a big, expensive production.

One step at a time. Talk to you lawyer. Make sure they know your ultimate, and what you would consider your bottom line. Which items you aren't willing to budge on, and which can be used to negotiate with.

Could be stuff like she really wants that dining room set? Ok, she can have that but you get to keep your car without equalizing the diff between her car and yours. She doesn't like the fact that she will have to pay the top $$ of CS? Maybe you can come down 100 a month, but she takes a higher % of the extracirricular expenses, such as school, car insurance and medical expenses.

You find the things that work in your situation, and that you can give up, that won't bother you, in order to make her feel like she won something. That's how the game is played.