SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

So my lying dick of a husband has been cheating for a year. He has been lying to me about it for 6 months. I found out because the tramp he has been sleeping with called last Christmas Day as some sort of good will gesture ( her words) so I would know what kind of a man I was married to. She claimed she was totally in the dark that he was married. So it's Christmas, tons of stuff to do, I asked him he said no, we talked a day later after our guests left and the wrapping paper was picked up and he said completely false that this older woman he knew through work was pursuing him but he was not interested. To be honest I did not completely believe him. Not because of him, because of her, I could not rationalize her knowingly ruining my and my kids Christmas. Since then she has been cyber stalking me, on Facebook, of Twitter. I blocked her which apparently got her more crazy because a couple weeks ago she came walking into our house and confronted me, in front of the kids, that she was having an affair with my husband. She would not leave said she had been in my house many times when I was out of town with children. I sent the kids to their rooms since she had no problem ranting in front of them and I called the police. Since she was in the yard when they arrived they did not arrest her (wtf??). My husband admitted to a 15 month affair and said it went on a bit after Christmas because the mistress was black mailing him. I am so angry. Not only did my husband of 18 years cheat, he cheated with a nut job that knows where we live and apparently is so fatal attraction about the deal that she has no problem trying to involve me and my children in her hatred. I am so mad. I told my husband I was not going to make any snap decisions only because of the children. He wants to stay married says he loves me very much, which frankly I don't believe. How could someone who loves me carry on a long term affair with the sweaty, unattractive, frizzy haired crazy person who shoved into my house? Frankly right now I am so twitchy about the stalking I have not had any energy left to think about how betrayed I feel, how hard it is to learn I have built a life with a cheating liar. I don't even know if I want to stay married beyond for the kids sake( could you imagine the tramps he might drag into their lives if he was not married). Any advice or resources would be appreciated. I am sure I should get some therapy. So far I have done nothing beyond pulling the shades and locking the doors. Oh my husband is at his parents. I did not want to be around him. Aside from his initial feedback he has done nothing to win me back. What does that mean.?

((((walking))))

I am new to this so I don't have a lot to say besides welcome and please stick around.

Others will be along shortly with wise words.

If she is crazy enough to walk into your home and confront you,she is dangerous. You need to get a restraining order..today.

Im so sorry. How scary for you..and the kids.

Have you been tested for STD's> You need to do so right away.

How are your kids handling this? Are they in counseling? Im sure they had to be so scared by what this woman did..in their home..in what is supposed to be their safe place..yours too.

She sounds insane. Im so sorry your WH brought her into your life and your home.

((((Walking))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:27 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

My 13 year old has been pretty quiet about the deal. I made her Dad tell her that she was just a very confused person and that she should not worry about us divorcing. The younger one I don't think even knew what was going on. What kind on a counselor do you get for kids? Like a family therapist? I had not thought of that I realized she would be stressed about us splitting, but you are right she may be stressed about her safety. How hard is it to get a restraining order. My husband has had that action item for two weeks. I should just call myself. I feel like my brain is working only 50 percent.

Im not sure if you go to the courthouse or the police station to file for a RO..someone will come along and know. But you need to do this today..don't expect your WH to do it..he's not going to.

I understand you don't want your kids to know. But your 13 year old knows. She was there when the crazy bitch came in the house...and dad isn't living there now. Very gently,mom to mom,you need to tell her. She deserves the truth. Her father has betrayed her mother,and her..the entire family. One of the worst things about betrayal is the lies. It is so painful to be lied to. Kids are smart. And she is old enough to know..even though it will hurt and be hard for you..she needs to know. Had crazy not walked into your home,my advice might be different. But she was there..she knows. She is probably being quiet,as you said,because she knows dad lied to her and she knows something terrible is going on,and she's scared. Also..this woman may attempt to talk to your kids..she needs to know to stay away from her,and if she sees her to call 911 immediately. Really. This woman sounds psycho.

I do understand why you told your WH to lie to her. But that needs to be corrected. You need to tell her. She needs to know that she has one parent who will be honest with her,who will protect her. She doesn't need details,but she does need the truth.

Yes..therapy..for both kids. Right away. Im sure they are scared and confused. Telling them the truth will help,but they will need therapy.

Big hugs to you. What a load of shit he has handed you and the kids.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Horrible situation, but keep your eyes and ears open. Very likely this OW is outraged because of lies told her during affair.

This exact thing happened during my marriage. My WS convinced me the OW was stalker and after him. She sent gifts to our daughter and WS via mail. Her object was to let me in on the deception going on under my nose. She knew too much about us, but WS was so convincing. I believed him.

Guess what that little affair continued once he smoothed things down with me, because he continued seeing her.

So your OW could be stalker, but could be trying to let you know what is really going on.

Take care of yourself and kids first.

Im sorry,I have to disagree^^. This woman *may* just be trying to let her know what is going on..but she took it WAY too far when she walked into her home and confronted her in front of her children. I can't imagine how violated and scared that must make someone..and how crazy someone would have to be to do such a thing. Imagine..you're in your home with your kids and some stranger walks in and starts confronting you. How scared those kids had to be.

Email..phone call..facebook..letter in the mail..ok. Shoving her way into someone else's house and confronting her in front of a couple of kids? That tells me this OW has NO boundaries and is dangerous as Hell.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:15 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

You and your H need to write a no contact letter together and send it to her. A therapist can help with this. In the mean time, LOCK your doors when you are inside the house and immediately call the police if she returns.

Talk to a lawyer about what your divorce case looks like. Gather up your financials - debt, income, accounts, etc. before the meeting. Also ask about restraining order. They are not that easy to get in cases like this.

Is this OW married? Tell her spouse asap.

Keep your H out of your house. He probably has not told you the truth about everything. If he really wants to work things out...the truth will come out in time. Set up a time on neutral territory - away from the kids - to talk a few times a week. You need to feel safe.

See your own individual counselor. Take care of yourself...know that this is not the result of anything you did or did not do. People who have affairs usually have some sort of deep wound of their own, probably dating back to childhood. I know my H does. We are beginning to address it. I will never be happy to have gone through this, but I also acknowledge that if this did not happen and he had not been caught, he probably never would have addressed these issues. He might not have known he had any problems below the surface. Now he does and for now, he is doing something about it.

I hope you have some safe people in your life to whom you can confide.

Also - very important - you WILL get through this. I know it is excruciating right now. If someone had told me 4 months ago that I would feel a lot better about everything, I would not have believed them. It's not about letting anyone off the hook. It's about feeling like regardless of what happens to my marriage, I know I can survive. I'm probably going to have some dark moments ahead but I know I will get through them with the help of my support system.

I have a somewhat different opinion on the OW's motives.

Walking, it's VERY possible that your husband lied to her and told her you were separated. That would explain why he lives in a house with children's bedrooms all intact (for their weekend visits with dad) and why some of your stuff might still be there (he may have claimed you didn't take it all when you moved out.

He had her over to the house when you were out of town, but maybe he explained it as the KIDS being out of town with you, so therefore, he didn't have his kids that week and could entertain her.

Some of these lying cheaters will literally go to all lengths to keep their secret lives intact.

It sounds as though instead of acknowleging what she was trying to tell you, you kept blocking her and not listening to what she was trying to convey to you.

I think it made her so crazy that she did the unthinkable and stormed into your house. I'm not sure if this is a fatal attraction nutcase or simply a woman SO angry at being conned by your husband that she's not thinking clearly and wasn't going to rest until you knew the truth.

What she did was wrong, absolutely dead wrong. But I do wonder what her real motivation is...

Your kids need counseling immediately. You need to find someone who specializes in kids, someone with a Ph.D and is also a social worker. What that OW did and, sadly the inaction & lies on your end, is bound to have majorly hurt your children's hearts & minds. They need a safe person to process this with. Call your pediatrician, explain the situation (separation, crazy OW who invaded your home), and ask for a referral ASAP. You can make this call today.

You need IC immediately. I understand full well the inertia you're dealing with. I understand the compartmentalization you're engaging in. But it's not healthy for you or your kids. You need someone to help you unravel what's happened and heal. You can make this call today.

I agree that you need to tell your 13-yo the truth. She already knows the truth, but now she's been lied to by her parents. You need to tell her that you were confused & frightened when this initially went down, you made a mistake in trying to cover it up, but now you're trying to remedy that by being honest with her. She needs to know that it is lies which caused this mess, so only truth will correct it.

Go get that restraining order or protection order immediately. Do not rely on your husband to do anything for you. Do it yourself. I want you to take control back of your life. You've been in shock. To protect yourself your mind has made you numb and prevented you from taking action. That's got to stop. YOU be the one to decide what happens. YOU make the calls & take charge. Your children are watching you. They are learning from you. Show them how a grown woman handles tough problems.

You can do this.

Sending out hugs and strength your way. What a horrible way to find out!!! She had no right coming in your house regardless. If she didn't know he was married I think she would have handled it differently. She already tried to notify you at Christmas. Really she could have sent you emails or cards as proof....no need to disrupt your home. She had no consideration for your children. Sounds like a selfish and crazy b!$@?. I think she was just mad because you were still with him after she exposed it on Christmas. It's funny when they act like they have morals and want to do the right thing. It translates to just trying to get you to leave him because she knows that's her only shot with him.

[This message edited by stratus722 at 10:56 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

I had a crazy psycho bitch stalking me etc. Definitely pursue a restraining order and see you have grounds for the anti-stalking type of RO.

My husband claimed he was being blackmailed too. I've researched this and it does happen. Still no excuse (he should have told me) but does indicate that OW could be mentally ill or mentally unbalanced.

I am so sorry for your situation. My fWH also let it OW into our home. And once OW knocked really really hard on my door and i didnt answer cuz i was alone(found out later it was her). Having her in your home carrying on with your WH is traumatic enough. But that she had the nerve to confront you aggressively in your home and in front of your kids is over the top. I still struggle with how my fWH could have subjected me to so much danger (allowing it into our home) not to mention std's.

A therapist should be able to help with how to explain to each child.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Filing a restraining order is quite easy and with the actions the OW took you will have no problem obtaining one.

You simply go to your nearest courthouse, ask where you file an RO at, fill out a form, and include every possible reason you are afraid, fill in the blanks that you wish to restrain her from; being in you, your children & possibly your WS presence.

She is not to contact, or your children, you via phone, text, in person, Facebook etc.. Think of everything if you leave a loophole she'll find it.

She is not to follow you in a vehicle or go into any buildings you are in (shopping mall, schools, gas station etc.)

You sign this & they take it to a judge immediately while you wait, he'll sign it off & have a police officer serve her.

DO NOT HESITATE a pissed off OW will ramp it up!!

As for your kids - get them in therapy ASAP as well as yourself. Talk honestly to your 13 year old. Telling her there will be no divorce could end up being a lie. You honestly don't know that yet, since your H is not doing anything towards R you very well may be heading that way.

Since he is out of the house explain to your 13 year old in an age appropriate conversation why that is so.

Also, talk to an attorney about your rights & those of your children. Protect yourself financially & tell the lawyer about the crazy OW, an attorney can draft an NC letter for you.

It's imperative you protect yourself & your children ASAP

I don't care what her reasons are. She walked into your house. Normal people don't just walk into someone's house and start a bunch of shit in front of children. No matter how this woman feels, she has already gone far beyond what any normal person would do in a stressful situation. Shame on the police for not arresting her on the spot. I would have insisted on it or asked that they call a supervisor out.

I agree with those who have said to get the restraining order, ASAP. First, go to the police station and get a copy of the report. Add that to the file on why you want the restraining order. No matter what happens with your husband, this woman knows where you and your children live. There is no way I'd chance her doing something crazier than she already has.

My thoughts once again on this, the OW may very well be a crazy stalker and she absolutely had. No right to push into your home.

Consider this...if your WS of 18yrs

Could lie to you the mother of his kids he surely lied to OW. He brought her into your home. Honestly does't

That fact alone make you want to do crazy things? OW may just be reacting to his lies.

Just take care of yourself and kids first. Your kids come first . Always

Whether he lied to her or not is irrelevant. Walking did nothing to her other than being married to her own husband and that's who she confronted in HER home in front of HER children. She didn't confront the man who may or may not have lied to her, she confronted his innocent spouse in front of the children. We can speculate all day long on what she may be going through but the fact is that she walked into someone else's house and started shit. She may be temporarily crazy or permanently crazy but when someone who doesn't own or live in the home comes walking into a home like she owns it and starts shit in front of the children who actually do live there, she deserves to be in jail. And I'd say this if it were a BS walking into an OW's home just as quickly. The woman showed mental instability and there is no reason whatsoever that Walking should be trying to understand where she is coming from. The next time she comes walking in, she might just have a gun.

Get a restraining order. Seriously. No matter what the reasons are, this woman's behavior is far beyond normal.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Absolutely agree OW was out of line and BS should protect herself and children.

Perhaps I wasn't clear, the WS began this mess the BS and children are at risk because of his bad judgement.

WS, like many of our situations has been less than truthful with BS.

Be safe and cautious BS, many have had similar situations and we only want the best for you.

Walking...

OMG I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children! There is so much good advice on here already I am not sure I can add more but my experience might help you, who knows.

My WS had the decency to never bring his OW into our home. He spent business trips outside of the country with her (she was a co-worker on the same projects). When the A was revealed to me 4 years later (Thank you apple for inventing Ipads!!!) I immediately contacted the OW spouse...I felt he had a right to know as well. The Other Spouse turned around and started trying to blackmail my husband!!! I know this because my WS vowed to share all contact from them with me and I read these disgusting and terrifying emails myself. He then threatened my husband with physical violence and started threatening to fly in and show up at our door "so they could talk face to face". We promptly installed cameras around our house, canceled lesser used email accounts, blocked phones and secured ourselves as best as possible.

Unfortunately the OW was even worse....she was delusional. She is a narcissistic, delusional control freak who, even when presented over and over again with very blunt "it's over" emails from both my WS and I,She won't take no for an answer. I have suffered through 2 very long and in depth texting conversations with her where she just can't figure out why I don't get that my husband is her Very special, best friend in the whole wide world. She doesn't get why he won't respond to her texts, phone call's or emails. She still uses present tense sentences when talking about them and their love for each other and she has NEVER admitted she has done anything wrong. She flew up here and showed up at our doorstep one weekend unannounced...not an easy thing since we live in a different country. Our 23 year old son was horrified. She begged for my husband to return to her. Both my doctor and my therapist fear for my safety.

We now have a restraining order out on her in 2 separate countries. If she isn't careful she will wind up on a "no fly" list which is what I have threatened to do if she ever shows her horrible face here again. Needless to say my husband is horrified that he has exposed us to all of this. The bright side is, that by working together to problem solve the many situations that arose, we also layed the first bricks in what now is becoming a loving, happy new marriage.

FC is a must for you and the children. I think your husband should also be involved with the FC so that he alone can explain this to your 13 year old daughter. When he sees the hurt on her face he will think twice about ever doing something like this again. You should be there so you know exactly what was said.

Restrain, restrain, restrain...get that order in place. Also take note that your husband hasn't done this since you asked him to weeks ago. This screams red flag in the R department in my books.

I also agree that you and your daughter need to sit down and honestly talk about what happened and who that woman is. I am sure your daughter was as scared as you were. Remain as calm as possible and don't lie....kids want the truth.

You need to find IC as well. Your heart is hurting even though you are currently protecting your family.

Start a file with everything you have found, were sent, and descriptions of what has happened over the course of the last several months. Update it whenever something else happens. Document the crap out of this and explain to your husband you have a file in a secure location with all the info in it. That might shake him out of his delusional world if he knows you are recording this stuff down.

I can't believe this woman invaded your private sanctuary in front of your kids!

Thanks for the suggestions. I am pursuing the restraining order on my own. Trying to get a family counselor appt lined up the week for kids. My husband says he is remorseful and I think he is actually starting to hate the other woman for her craziness. That said he did not get the restraining order a nd aside for a few I'm sorrys when this first went down he has not bowled me over with attentiveness or begging for forgiveness. Right now I am just angry. Like really angry, like only not filing because of the kids angry. He seems to be pretty much lost in his own head and I am in mine. No screaming matches, just more anger mixed with indifference for me. No idea what he is thinking. So what does recovery look like when it is working. He is still staying at parents and my thought is that it is up to him to earn his way back into this family. How does this work?

(((Walking)))

Lots of hugs!

As for "how does this work" I think the 180 is a good place to start. Have you read in The Healing Library? There is a link in the gold box in the upper left corner of the site. Lots of articles that answer "how does this work."

Welcome to SI. Sorry you had to find us.